Feels like suicide is the only option

[ScottyMac]

Yes, I know I'm being dramatic and there are much worse things happening in the world, but I really feel suicide is the only way to go. I can either live my life as female and hate every second of it, or transition into a male body and be some freak ostracized by society. Both those options seem bloody awful, and at least not living will be neutral right? But I don't want to die. I just want to be a normal guy, and it kills me inside knowing I never can be. Recently I've been crying at least once a day about it (manly I know :/) and I don't know what to do, there's nowhere to go from here.

The reason I'm boring you all with this, I just want one of you trans people to tell me its okay, I can be a normal guy. Maybe if I hear of how people still treat you decently, and how you're happy, it'll give me hope? eh idk, sorry

[Jessica Merriman]

or transition into a male body and be some freak ostracized by society.

Sweetie if I can go from an Alpha Dog Firefighter built like a Mack truck to a female and not be ostracized why can't you become a male without the same expectations? Seriously, I do not get any reactions from the public at all. My Therapist really didn't believe himself, but after trips around campus and into the public with me it was proven. People are too tied up in their personal business for the most part to take on anyone else's issue's. It all comes down to confidence and owning your sexuality without being nervous and attracting undue attention. You can do this AND be very successful. You just have to believe in yourself and own it. Life does not end after transition, it begins. 

[Umiko]

you are in control of your own life. you make your own destiny and control your own fate. no one can tell you that you cant be who you want to be. i'm learning this myself and its hard but its not impossible. choosing to be happy has never felt better, for we all deserve to be as happy as the next person. dont let no one tell you otherwise for those who do tell you that you should live an empty life are those who are empty themselves. dont use suicide as a means to a temporary state of mind. you deserve to be happy no matter what you decide. live and keep moving and never stop to take a second thought

[ScottyMac]

Really? What about people who know you're trans? I just feel if I transitioned people I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I want in life, like jobs, relationships etc because of it. But I do agree that people are too busy caring about themselves than others haha

[Colleen♡Callie]

Hey Scotty, I'm just moving past what you're dealing with.  It takes some time to work through when you're deciding to change, but you can and do work past it.

[Umiko]

Really? What about people who know you're trans? I just feel if I transitioned people I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I want in life, like jobs, relationships etc because of it. But I do agree that people are too busy caring about themselves than others haha

there are many of us who struggle with these areas, but we find ways to make them work. what matters most is your own happiness, everything comes secondary. sure to transition, its best you have a strong support system and a job as well, but for some of us like myself, transitioning is the only way to achieve these things. figure out whats most important to you, figure out how far your willing to go at a time, talk to your therapist about options that would suite you best, and formulate plans of action that work. take tiny steps. dont stop moving. you can do it because i believe in you

[Jessica Merriman]

Really? What about people who know you're trans? I just feel if I transitioned people I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I want in life, like jobs, relationships etc because of it.

So what if they know? The way I look everyone knows as I am no super thin female model with a great voice. I don't get bothered at all in daily life. My confidence is so great in myself that those who look at me weird look away just as quickly because I don't act ashamed, nervous or respond negatively to it. I just act like me. Even over time your friends will start to naturally perceive you as male. It takes time, but it does happen. I still do the same things I did before transition. You do not have to change those things if you don't want to as it is totally up to you what you like. We have several members here who have come out at their work place and they were accepted and are doing very well. I know of 6 right off the bat. You can totally do this and be successful, it just comes down to your confidence in yourself and knowing you made the right decision to transition. 

[ScottyMac]

I suppose, I just cant be arsed to be a girl for the next two years until I leave school and can move out. Some days I'm thinking 'yes, this is possible' but others its just 'who are you kidding?'

[CindyCD]

I recently was with a technology conference and the keynote speaker was MTF. She had a masculine voice and made no attempt to hide it. It was wonderful to see folks listen to her with respect and acceptance. It proved to me that someone can transition and be successful too! I hope this helps.

Great Big Hugs ,
Gloria

[Jessica Merriman]

Some days I'm thinking 'yes, this is possible' but others its just 'who are you kidding?'

The one thing that is constant here as long as I have been a member is this internal struggle you have. All of us have been there and it is no fun. By watching new people come here and watching them go through the process of transition you can detect the change in the tones of their posting as they get further along in the process. They start out scared and confused fighting with themselves where you are now. Then they get excited with upcoming HRT and surgeries. Most get happier and happier and finally realize it was not as big as they built it up in their minds and relax and start to live. There will be bumps in the road, but when you are living as the real you they are handled much better and calmer. What you want is not just possible, but obtainable. 

[Umiko]

i can relate to your feelings strongly. my environment is preventing me from making a transition. i cant find work and my mother is somewhat accepting but she is still contributing to my dysphoria. i recently was in a state of i may as well bury myself alive since it would be impossible to transition, but everyone here helped me keep my head above water and now i'm hopeful and making strides to be happy. i may be going against the wishes of my family but i want to be happy so there isnt another option. here's my advice to you, and my signature states it. abandon your fears you have and move foward. dont stop to give an inch to anyone. you deserve to be happy. even if its not much, speak with a neutral party like a counselor or a therapist. i know i shouldnt be saying this but it does help and it gets these emotions out so you can see them and learn to accept them and heal. dysphoria is something that could cripple superman. it maybe hard but its not impossible. you just need to move forward with conviction and everything else will fall into place.

[awilliams1701]

A Month ago when I found out myself. I said I just want to be a normal girl knowing I never could be. I even said (and I deeply regret saying it) I don't want to be one of those freaks. Since then I've learned that its not only possible to pass completely as a member of the opposite sex, but its also possible to get your mind in the correct state as well. I have to admit I was transphobic but after seeing what everyone here really is and is all about I'm not anymore. I think part of it was seeing the stereotypes on tv dramas. I'm even ok now with the people that don't completely pass  or haven't even started transitioning and  I didn't think Could be. I realize Ill never be completely a normal girl, but there is a good chance I'll be close enough that it doesn't matter.

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

It's okay, you're a normal guy.

This idea we all have that there's some perfect model of male and female out there that we all must conform to or be sent away just isn't so. Cis men and women come in a great variety, some men have "feminine" features (arbitrary judgement, really) and some women have have "masculine" features. You don't have to be perfect, no one is, you just have to be you. You have the strength to go through the transition (I know you do) and come out as you were always meant to be. That makes you mightier than them, you will have walked through fire just to be you.

It's okay, you're not alone. This feeling of being disconnected and the pain associated is not unique to you. When I think of last summer, I can't remember a moment of sunlight, the depression washed anything bright out of my head. It's horrible feeling broken, like you've failed and can't quite see how. You haven't failed at all. You did nothing wrong. You arrived in the world broken, your brain isn't compatible with your body. That's a fault in manufacturing. You need not feel bad about it in the least. It can actually be a source of pride if you think about it, you've carried this huge weight alone. And you're still here. You're already amazing.

You're normal. You are not a freak. You are not dirty. And you are not weak for seeking help. It takes strength you reach out.

I say this with all the love I can muster, my new brother. Welcome to the family. You found a safe place, I promise. You're not alone anymore, you're going to be okay.

-Claire

[mrs izzy]

Really? What about people who know you're trans? I just feel if I transitioned people I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I want in life, like jobs, relationships etc because of it. But I do agree that people are too busy caring about themselves than others haha

Hmm let me tell my husband these facts you seem to know about.

There is nothing in life worth wasting a life over. Yes i been there done that, stood on the doorsteps of ell.

My husband is a ftm he is working at his job he went to collage to earn his degree at when female. Moved past the bull crap of what society wanted him to be and became the man he was.
Me i am mtf and i did the same. I finished up my career in the same construction management jobs i did pre transition. Let me tell you men hate a woman telling them what to do.

There are many here and other places that came before you and will come after you that will not let fear dictate there lives. Laws are changing and discrimination is falling by the way side each and every day across the world.

You are a human and have the right to live as a human any way you wish and the ell with what others think. Yes you need a thick skin at first but in time it just is truly a normal life.

Move forward and kick fear in the ass.

Isabell

[Julia-Madrid]

Scotty, it takes real courage to start moving forward, but once you start this, you will truly be astonished by the progress you will make.

Jessica hit so many of the key points in her posts (well done girl...!) and every single one of us has gone through the fear and doubt and come out the other side stronger and more confident about who we are. 

Take little steps:  you change the way you think, how you see youself; how you want others to see you.  You gradually change how you dress, talk and act.  At the beginning it might be hard, terrifying even.  But you adapt and before you know it you've become the person you truly should be!

Be brave and believe in yourself.  If you do that, everyone will be in awe of you, and see you as you want to be seen!

Hugs
Julia

[Monkeymel]

A couple of things you wrote stood out for me - having to wait through two more years Of collage; and your other thread about obtaining a realisitic penis. No matter how much some of us would have loved to swallow the magic pill which does a perfect job of transition the of brain body and soul; the truth is far more mundane. We live in the real world. And the important point is to live. Life is not about what is between our legs or how society demands. It is about ourselves finding our inner voice; allowing it to speak through work, society and love.

Are mtf luckier because we have more bits to rearrange than a ftm? Perhaps; but our voices and faces will always tell their story if you really want to look deeply. Are ftm luckier than mtf? Because after t and top surgery no one will really give a damn.

My endo and future gynecologist is a very successful doctor and transman. He speaks at many international congresses in his profession; not because of his transition. Did I delay my transition because of a PhD and life? Yes. Even though there were times as a teenager when I was ostracized by everyone; bullied daily for not fighting like a guy. Hiding away away until the right point in my life to blossom.

In my collage years I made a decision. To enjoy my body even if it wasn't the right one because life, travel and experiences are so much more important than worrying about what society felt. Do I wish I had transitioned at 16 instead of 38? Of course. But I'm glad I did all my studies travelled and had a life. Now I get to have a second puberty (whoppie - irony) and a second life...

Two different lives in one lifetime: not many people can say that!

My theme song has always been Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush / Paula Cole singing "don't give up, you still have us". Take courage in the dark days and remember life and nature is beautiful and worth experiencing:

[Rachel]

There are many ways to transition.

A good gender therapist is a start and the process can take years so now may be a good time or some time of your choosing. The important point is you can be in control of who you are and the timing of the changes.

Yes it is scary and you will adapt, as well as those around you.

Kate Bronstein has a book called 101 reasons not to kill yourself. In the book there are the 7 things that are the most important and I use them. I use several others too and they help a lot. Perhaps you could get a copy of the book.

Some of the things I have done i can not believe I am still alive. I am glad now I did not succeed but when I was in the middle of despair I could not see a way out. Gender therapy is the beginning of finding out what you want to do and how a and when. Just taking the first steps helps.

I cry a lot too and it is the estrogen, although I cried a lot before E too Perhaps I am not a good example. Guys cry, mostly in private. Sometimes they channel their emotions into rage, rather ugly to witness.

You are who you are and right now your mind knows you need a change, to what extent and depth and when is all part of the journey that you control.

Hugs and I hope you see a gender therapist. If need be say you are seeing a therapist for depression which is true. Just make sure it is a gender therapist with experience.

[Mo]

I'm just beginning this process but in my opinion I am a real guy and always have been. I just have some unfortunate stuff I need to get around. Just because people born with male parts got lucky that their gender matched, doesn't mean they are more or less of a guy as you are. Keep your head up. You're probably more of a real guy than many guys are, if that makes any sense. There are things, I know, that may not seem fair or right, but keep your head high. Baby steps. Allow those who love you to contribute to you and keep your head high, sir!

[crowcrow223]

Start by setting yourself small goals at the beginning. Anything. Buying a piece of mens clothing, reading about binders, researching HRT, anything. Get the facts straight, small steps.

HRT is very beneficial and very often crucial, as it doesn't only change the way you look, but also, the way you think.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, good luck! x

[Riven]

Hey, I'm not sure what the other's said because reading is hard but I can tell you this. You will not be happy in death. You probably will be nothing in death. No more birthdays, no more friends, no more movies, books, TV shows. No more you. If you continue to push and strive to be who you believe you deserve to be, you will already be better off than the alternative.

This road isn't easy for ANYBODY that chooses it. I don't know if god is to blame, but whoever designed humans wanted to make it very difficult to fix ourselves from the outside - in.

I'll leave you with something my skydiving instructor taught me (and any other good teacher of mine has taught me over the years in the art of success): Fortune favors the brave. Good luck on your journey.