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Slogging Through

Started by ZombieDog, May 13, 2014, 02:19:00 AM

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ZombieDog

I feel like I'm slogging through my life right now.  Things aren't going great and I just need somewhere that I can vent and not feel like I'm burdening anyone or causing embarrassment to myself.  Thank you,  internet, for allowing me to be so anonymous.

I'm planning to break up with my boyfriend.  And I feel terrible about it.  As a trans-man, I feel that I should be lucky to have a relationship of any kind and that I'm ending one is like spitting on a gift.  I'm tired of supporting both of  us financially and emotionally.  I'm screwed up as it is and going through my transition.  I'm tired of hearing how great things will be when he gets a job.  How he'll support me through school and pay for my surgery and buy us a house.  I'm tired of trying to break up with him only to be emotionally blackmailed into returning.  Of being told that he can't live without me and the thought of me leaving makes him want to kill himself.  That he has nowhere to go.  No friends or family to help him out if I make him leave.  But if I let him stay here longer then nothing changes and I'm still financially supporting him.  And if I let him stay in my life he'll beg me to take him back and try to make deals and promise to get a job.

I'm tired of living in an apartment that's infested with roaches and bedbugs.  Where the management can't even manage to replace the light bulbs in the stairwells or turn the AC on when it's over 80 degrees outside.  I'm tired of being too poor to afford to pay an exterminator to come in because the management won't pay for bed bug extermination and aren't required to in this city.

I'm tired of trying to live on $9.88/hr and dodge debt collection calls.  And while the raise I asked for went through, it was only for 38 cents while working at an understaffed office doing work that other people would get paid at least $11/hr for.

I'm tired of not being able to afford dental care or health care.

I'm tired of being depressed and having panic attacks even though I'm taking an anti-anxiety med.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting my life but not having the energy or motivation to fix things.

I'm tired of being so damn tired.  It's times like these that I feel like quitting.  I just want to lay down and pretend not to exist for awhile while I save up enough energy to muck through another day tomorrow and see if I can work up enough courage to break up with my boyfriend.

Thanks for listening, guys.  This website has really been important to me, just knowing that I'm not so alone in my troubles.
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Jessica Merriman

I wish this could be more, but here it is  :icon_hug: ! Vent anytime you need to. Just know people do read it and feel for you and are here for you always. I wish I could take it all away for you, I really do. Hang in there and never be afraid to ask for help. I know this doesn't, but it is all I can do right now. :(
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Felix

Thank gosh for the internet. It saves lives for sure.

That said, without prying into your IP or anything, where do you live that you cannot get health insurance? My credit is bad mostly because of healthcare, but as of pretty recently, even in the states I can get coverage for most serious problems. My teeth are bad I'll admit, and the only dentists I can find who take government insurance are either inexperienced or are war veterans who don't speak english very well, but still. I don't have to budget for drilling these days, and I don't get calls at 6am or 8pm about recent medical costs anymore, just about old ones.

I have never made 9.88 an hour except under the table. Even with dependents you should be able to pay rent with that in most countries and also pay for electricity and your phone and internet. That's a lot of money. If you can't support your boyfriend on that pay, maybe he needs to go figure himself out and come back when he's more stable.

I'm generally in the camp of giving people the benefit of the doubt, of helping those who are going through stuff, of being as kind and generous as possible, but it sounds like you are doing way too much to try to take care of this guy you are dating. Even if he fails and has to sleep outside, that might be for the best if it's the way you stay sane or become healthier. If he thinks being outside or without loved ones is the end of the world, maybe he just needs a sleeping bag or a teddy bear or some Sartre or something.

People are here for you. It is not on you to save this man you (may or may not) love, but it is on you to save yourself. Don't feel bad about whatever steps you need to take.
everybody's house is haunted
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ZombieDog

Thanks, Jessica.  Just that you're listening helps.

You're right, Felix.  My wage, while not awesome, is livable for a single guy to live on.  I live in Oklahoma.  I don't qualify for the local healthcare though I might be able to swing some really minimal healthcare in case of a catastrophic accident or illness.

I've also decided to sell my car and get an old beater car that runs well and pocket the money.  I think I'll have to suck it up and eliminate things I don't NEED.  Like the internet and my smartphone.  Just go to the library or something for internet and get a cheap flip phone.
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Felix

Sorry for thread necromancy, just going through replies and wanted to give you good wishes.

I use an ancient nokia, and I consider the internet a necessity but only so far as being able to load text. When I am strapped for cash I don't bother with being able to load youtube or video games, and those strictures haven't led to any serious suffering. The main problem is when I am aware of how much more affluent some people are, and that is only a problem if I put myself in that kind of company.

Nothing dishonorable about driving an old car or forgoing cutting-edge devices.
everybody's house is haunted
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