Genetic male that could never pass

[chris21005]

I'm a genetic male but feel more and more genderqueer or gender fluid. My issue is that by all "main stream" definitions I am very masculine and never in a million years could pass as anything but male. I am 6'3 250lbs (mostly muscle) and stand out even as a male with very excessive masculine features not to mention my size 16 men's shoe. I have a very supportive boyfriend and I occasionally cross dress when I'm with him but I can't even take myself serious because all I see when I look in the mirror is a very large man in a dress/skirt/bra/ etc. For me to be comfortable I need the confidence that I look half decent, and not looking like I lost a bet with my friends and now have to put on a dress. How can I embrace my femininity when all I see is masculinity? And as far as some basic stuff to help me feel a little better I already practice things like hair removal and paint my nails. How can I express my female side when I'm everything but? And advice would be great:) Thank you for your time and have a wonderful day:)   

[Jill F]

I thought I'd never "pass" either, and that "fact" is one of the things that kept me in the closet until I was literally ready to die.

I am 6'2" and once weighed 285.  I'm about 215-220 now (want to be at about 195, but I need the body fat right now to hide muscle definition) but can probably still bench press 200+ and have a frame that would make half the guys in the NFL jealous.  I have been full time for well over a year, despite initially looking like a shaven ape in a dress on a low dose of estrogen only for two months. 

Even if you don't go the HRT route, weight loss via cardio and a vegetarian diet, facial hair removal via laser and electrolysis, voice training and learning to carry yourself like a woman go a long way.

I just look like a big, gnarly chick that you wouldn't want to mess with now.

[AnneB]

Jill: "I just look like a big, gnarly chick that you wouldn't want to mess with now."

Hon, that gave me my giggle for the day..  I needed it a lot!   Each of us thinks we have something that would never, ever let us pass, even in a dark room.  But we're seeing ourselves as us, not how others see us.  Read thru the "Do I Pass"-type posts.. many of us are crazy scared to try because we fear we'd be immediately read, and imagine the worst consequences.  I don't think those commenting are lying.  True, they may be trying to see something, or are maybe just being nice (I don't think so).  Just as in everything, we are a lot harder on ourselves than others are. 

<---  That's me over there.  I'm not big ('think my belly is tho, I want to lose 10lbs at least), or tall, (5' 10"), but I'm terrified of going out in anything but my jeans, or calf boots.  Forget hair, makeup, nails or anything else.  I'm just not there.  And because I'm trying to keep my family, I can barely get away with the jeans at home, and the very little dressing, away at work (ok, I was in that pic).  Some of the girls I work with know, a couple sorta guessed, others I let in the circle, but they see more potential, or just more girl than I do. 

(cloud appears, Yoda steps out..) So, worried are you, how you will be?  who you are, let others see.  Know yourself, already.  Be yourself, you must.

.. ok, I have no idea why I began to channel Yoda, just began to sound like what the Master would say 

[Jessica Merriman]

I just look like a big, gnarly chick that you wouldn't want to mess with now.

I see you already met Jill our bouncer!!

A big warm welcome Chris! I hope you enjoy your time with us and get a lot out of the experiences of others here. We are all our worse critics and I am sure it is the same in your case. This is a great place to learn and start to feel a little better about yourself and make new friends.

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[chris21005]

Thanks for the replies. I suppose only time will help and lots of positive reinforcement:) I just have to really take time and figure out what I really want out of life. Something that helped me out a week back was thinking about how silly man (as a species) is for getting so caught up in what one person puts on their body. The entire purpose of clothing was protection from the elements. Its crazy that people are getting killed for wearing clothes of the "opposite gender" especially when you break down clothes to what they are, nothing but threads.
Thanks again for the words of advice. It puts a smile on my face to think about y'all taking the time out of your day to reply to a total stranger. And I'm sure I'll be on read more of these posts:)

[StevieAK]

I was over 6 foot and was 285, was shooting up testosterone and lifting heavy before I was diagnosed with dysphoria.  I get it and was hard to accepts me and was and is hard for others still.  Ive been laughed at during gender varient support groups, shunned at most events asi I just too damn big.  Well you know what?  I just started to love me and be me and as my shrink told me to do "be with people that want to be with you"  It works and my confidence has grown.  The "do I pass" question or whatever doesn't interest me.  I like me and if others don't well its their right and their loss as Im generous, friendly and always available to be a friend.  Just take it one day at a time and love yourself.  Goodness knows catty trans folk can be the most cruel and judgemental. Side note- was told by a transwoman "just kill yourself as you will never pass"  really.  Just love yourself and be who you are, you are the only one that has to accept you. 

Incidently I lost 100 pounds and inches off my arms.  Im simply gorgeous and rocking this transition thing, lol.  You may be suprised how it all turns out.  Just sayin

[gennee]

Chris, the important thing is to feel comfortable in your own skin. It was a year before I felt that way and it made all the difference in the world. I have broad shoulders and size 12E feet. I lost about 40 pounds and feel better.

[Ms Grace]

6'3" here...admittedly pretty scrawny so that helped, but have been able to pass without a second look despite that height. Welcome to the forum!

[JLT1]

I can relate.

I found a way.

Go to the current before and after thread, page 8 and see if you agree that it can be done.

You can do this girl!

Hugs,

Jen