advice

[sands]

Me and my partner are looking for some advice regarding our two children. I am a ftm transgender. Me and my girlfriend have two children. I've started to transition slowly with wearing male clothes, short hair etc. We are looking for advice about how this will psychologically affect the children. We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Were not sure how to explain to our 4 year old. any advice will be really appreciated . we are looking to meet other ftm trans in Manchester just rEally for my partner to feel more at ease as we don't know anybody else trans.

[Alexthecat]

Now is the best time when they are young.

[Nygeel]

Honestly, they're not going to remember much of this. They'll probably say some ridiculous stuff (like misgendering) but that's about it.

[Blue Senpai]

Tell them straight up since they are generally simple at that age. You have a better chance of them accepting you the way you are while young when they are not subjected to that much external influence yet. This is a good way to teach them about being open-minded and can be treated as a great life lesson.

[Ephemeral]

Be happy they are that young. They will likely not care much at all, ask a few questions but that's about it. Children that age are very malleable when it comes to gender and the perception of the environment and that's only a good thing. Use it and abuse it while you can.

My cousin had a 3-year-old or so son who knew me pre-transition and they just told him that I am no longer going to be X but Sam (because I changed my first name to Samuel) and that was about it. He didn't care and likely won't remember anything.

[sands]

Our 4 year old is going through a little stage of wanting to wear boys clothes and even said she wanted to be a boy but this was before I even came out as trans to my partner (her mum) her mum my partner is worried that this is only going to make the 4 year old situation worse. My partner understands me and supports me, she just doesn't know the best way for us to move forward with making small changes that will be better off for the kids in the long run.

[sands]

My partner thinks its a good idea to meet someone or a family that are going through the same thing. So if anyone is close to us, Manchester UK

[Bombadil]

I agree with what the other's said. There is a simple book "My New Daddy" (https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/274343) that is great. I spend a lot of time with my friend's son so we got it and my friend read it to him. Then she told him about me. He asked to have the book read again and then he was good.

As far as your 4 year old wearing boy's clothes. Is that really a problem? Even if your child does a bit more after you transition what's the worry? Kids experiment and play.

[Polo]

You may want to check out firsttimesecondtime.com which is written by a transman and his wife, who also transitioned with young children.

I'd also say let your 4 year old experiment. If she ends up deciding he really is a boy, your parenting style probably didn't have anything to do with that. Science keeps coming out with evidence of trans-ish-ness having a biological basis.

So do what makes YOU feel comfortable. You finding and becoming yourself will put you in the best position for being a good parent and partner.

[Felix]

Children are way more understanding than adults. Just explain (simply) to them what you are doing and why. They'll be on board. They love you no matter what you look like or what your name is.

I would expect that a kid at any age would probably experiment with things they see you doing. If trying on boy clothes is due to you and how you present, that's how they are exploring reality. If that's not what prompted it, it's still normal and how they are exploring reality. Almost any behavior is normal in early childhood. I am curious about how you would recognize an outfit as gendered at that age, and how you can tell that the kid understands gendered elements.

[sands]

Thankyou al for the helpful.advice. Our four year old hasnt really said anything about my hair or clothes the only thing she has questioned is the male boxers on the side when they were still new. She just asked if they are for boys or girls. I wasnt quite sure what to say but i told her they are for boys but some girls liketo wear them because they are comfy and she was fine with the answer and hasnt said anything since. I will be starting t in just under two months so we are thinking of telling her before then when she is in school holidays that way she has six weeks to ask us anything she is curious about and this will be just as ive started t. We felt it was best to speak to her before my voice started to change etc. We are both very nervous though and dont want people assuming this is the reason she is interested in boys things.

[Felix]

My kid is extraordinarily girly, but I've had to deal with questions from people who see "boyish" tendencies in her and try to attribute that to my identity. It would be okay with me if she was acting like a boy, but usually the things people point out don't seem to be actually gender-related. Her knowledge of insects and desire to be an entomologist is currently the biggest source of flak, but people commented when she was younger on her relative lack of fear and her (at the time) love for math. She loves dresses and glitter and princess crowns, so it's not like she is androgynous. She isn't even a tomboy.

Really though, these questions and complications are in the heads of grownups. As long as your child can trust you to love them and keep them safe everything else is usually negotiable. I would wonder about gendering things like boxer shorts. I came of age when grunge was becoming mainstream, and every girl I went to high school with wore them. Telling her yours are just comfy sounds like the right path.

Congrats and good luck with your hormones, btw.

[Dalex]

I actually have a kid myself, who just very recently turned five. I just sat down and tried to explain it to her the best I could and she seemed to understand. She actually gender's me as male and still calls me mom. I don't mind, since I feel it is up to her what she likes to call me She was actually really worried and scared I was not her mom anymore, so when I explained to her that no matter what I was still the same and I was always her mom, she just smiled and said 'Alright, so you are my prince now.'
I also actually asked the doctor who is a head of the trans team at the hospital how would be the best way to go about it and such, and he just told me that this age was actually the best time since at that age everything is always new and constantly changing. Their world is filled with lots of imaginary games and such.
Actually, from the day she was born I never gendered anything, from what she has picked up is mostly from her kindergarten. She will wear a pretty pink dress, run around playing soccer or playing with toy cars xD

You shouldn't worry too much though, this has no negative affect on kids that age. I know a trans guy with three kids of his own and the youngest when he started was about four if I remember correctly I think the best way would actually just to sit down and talk to them, even though they are young, on the long run they will begin to understand