a bit of clarification - marriage & transition

[EmmaD]

My marriage of 27 years is surviving this.  I am going to be full time from the end of November when I get FFS.  At the risk of TMI, all physical capacity in the bedroom died when I started finasteride about 18 months before HRT.  Interest went as well.  That hasn't seriously upset things.  So you might think that it is OK.  What happens when (if) my libido comes back and I am lesbian? That is when things will head towards divorce or if not, change the relationship.  I see that as reasonable given both our sexual orientations will have stayed the same.

My emotional well-being has also improved so it isn't all bad.  Just at the moment, everything is coming together and I am a bit of a mess at times.  My wife understands but it isn't her journey.  I only sleep about 5 hours a night and at the same time, I have never had to work so hard.  I have had to consider just where all the pressure and stress is coming from so transition doesn't get blamed for everything.

We have talked at length about how far I can go without causing our marriage to be illegal.  I can change my name, call myself Miss or Ms, get all ID documents changed except my birth cert.  It should stay the same.  Silly thing is the country of our birth and marriage recognises same sex marriage. Australia doesn't.  A point of unnecessary pressure.

We don't dwell on having to divorce but accept that it may happen. No angst.  I think just a sadness.  This has been the case since I started this process. So while you can hope, being realistic is better in my opinion.

[Ravensong]

My wife of 4.5 years and I are getting divorced, mostly because of my transition.  We both thought she married a masculine man, and it turned out to not be the case.  There are 3 daughters involved, 2 are mine (4, 2.5) and the oldest is from a prior relationship (10).  We are both sad at the divorce, but she wanted to be with someone who is masculine.  My wife was actually the one who pointed out I might be trans, by the way, and is completely supportive of me.  We are still best friends, and always will be, and we will always love each other, but as a couple, it just wasn't meant to be for us (other reasons than being trans were involved, too).

So, just keep it in mind, just because the marriage may end, doesn't mean that the friendship or love isn't still there.  Hopefully you will still be able to remain best friends if you actually do divorce.  Just make sure you do what you need to for you, no matter what, or its all for nothing.

[Katherine]

I've been married 34 years now.  I had been to a gender therapist back around '95 or so.  Following the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, my wife was required to attend the last session.  I came out to her several months earlier.  When it was over, my wife told me that she felt she was "ganged up on" by the two of us.  In the end, I remained with her, mostly out of the guilt of having brought her into a marriage when I knew I was transgendered.  After a short while, she thought I was "cured" and no longer feeling transgendered.  Now, I am on hormone therapy and my breasts are starting to develop.  It's only a matter of time before she realizes what's happening.  I know she will want a divorce and now I'm good with that.  I married partly because of my feelings for her, but also to force myself to be a man.  My life was somewhat complex then as I was in the military.  Anyway, in the end, we have to decide to move on and transition, or conform to a life wherein we are not living our true lives and for many of us it means letting go of our spouses that cannot accept who we are.  I truly hope you find the solution that is correct for you.