Not feeling it today

[awilliams1701]

I know the girl inside me is still there, but I'm not feeling her as much today. Its the first time I've felt comfortable just being a guy since finding out. Seems like just a few days ago I hated being a guy so much I was ready to rip it right off. I've experienced waves where sometimes the desire to be a girl is stronger than others, but today is the first time its actually gone the other way.

Is it normal for it go like this?

[Jessica Merriman]

Perfectly normal. It is just basically your mind not wanting to leave the familiar and comfortable and head into the stress and unique problems of transition. Therapy and HRT should make it subside quite a lot.

[PoeticHeart]

If only I could express how many times I rock back and forth. It drives me crazy and you're not alone dear.

[Jessica Merriman]

That is one of the reasons I went full time right off the bat. It was so I did not have to flip flop between identities and could relax and devote all of my energy on the future and transition. It also gave me a sort of no going back mindset. I mean I thought about transition, studied it and made an informed decision. I did not leave myself an escape hatch once the decision was done. 

[awilliams1701]

Its funny a couple days ago I was hoping to start HRT while still in therepy to help ease the dysphoria. Now it sounds like its important to avoid confusion. My first session is in a couple of days. we'll see what happens.

[Jessica Merriman]

Therapist's can't prescribe HRT and it may take a while before giving you a letter for your Endo. I will say HRT calmed the Hurricane in my head almost immediately though. It was so nice to finally be relaxed and able to function like a normal human. I can multi task now!! 

[Erem]

I get it, a lot. It hits harder than before, I try to open up about it then I go emotionally dead for a while until it rears its head once again 

Absolutely maddening, but you're not alone.

[awilliams1701]

I know she can't prescribe, but I'm hoping she'll give me the letter in a small number of sessions or even the first time.

Therapist's can't prescribe HRT and it may take a while before giving you a letter for your Endo. I will say HRT calmed the Hurricane in my head almost immediately though. It was so nice to finally be relaxed and able to function like a normal human. I can multi task now!! 

[Jessica Merriman]

It took me three months and I am glad. HRT is a big deal and I was glad my Therapist took her time to make sure I was ready for it. I thought I was, but there were things that came up in the sessions I had not thought about at all. A good Therapist will make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt you are ready, educated and prepared for life during and after. I am going to stick with mine past SRS for a while. 

[awilliams1701]

3 months sounds better than 6. I don't mind it taking a couple of sessions, I just don't want to wait too long.

[JenSquid]

I rock back and forth constantly. It drives me crazy.

[Joan]

I've been on HRT for 6 months and I'm happy with where it's taking me. I did have a wobble at 4 1/2 months, but as Jessica said, it was more about all of the things I have to go through to get through the transition, and all the pain, worry and potential ridicule the transition process entails.

Easier to live as your birth sex if you can...unfortunately we can't.

I got through it and I'm feeling very positive now and I'm ready for more wobbles in the future. I guess it's a process.

Try to stay positive! Hugs

[Megan Joanne]

Sometimes I question myself, why are you putting yourself through all this? Is it worth all this trouble? Wouldn't it just be so much easier just to go back and be how you were before? @#$% no! Am I nuts!? Sure, life had gotten more complicated once I decided to live as my inner self, despite the complexities of trying to fulfill it, I love who I am, I can't ever go back, wouldn't want to. But the question does arise from time to time. Life is a constant struggle no matter how you choose to live it, so naturally your mind will occasionally struggle with itself as well in trying to cope.

[awilliams1701]

I actually had a moment like that, but I said why I can't I just go back to being a normal girl. Oh wait I'm not physically a girl. Ive also had plenty of what the hell am I getting myself into moments.

Sometimes I question myself, why are you putting yourself through all this? Is it worth all this trouble? Wouldn't it just be so much easier just to go back and be how you were before? @#$% no! Am I nuts!? Sure, life had gotten more complicated once I decided to live as my inner self, despite the complexities of trying to fulfill it, I love who I am, I can't ever go back, wouldn't want to. But the question does arise from time to time. Life is a constant struggle no matter how you choose to live it, so naturally your mind will occasionally struggle with itself as well in trying to cope.

[TonyP]

awilliams,
I will be very interested in how you procede with your identity since I have similar confusion. Perhaps if you go on HRT and T blockers, you will feel like a girl all of the time and that will confirm and affirm your decision to transition. Good luck on your happiness.

[awilliams1701]

I haven't experienced this since. Granted I've only accepted being trans for about a month and a half. My therapist suggested I shave my legs since I'll have to deal with issues a lot harder than that. I think that helped significantly. Its been easier to fully embrace my feminine side. Its actually been increasingly difficult to deal with my male body. I suspect I probably won't be able to start HRT until next year. My therapist is extremely concerned with the short period of time that I've accepted myself.