The me no one knows

[Raelyn2]

For starters, this is the first time I have ever put these thoughts into words and much less ever let another living soul know them. That would probably explain the length. Thank you for this forum.  To describe the me that no one else knows I would have to say, confused, avoidant, and slightly scared. For a little history, I started wearing my mom's knee high stockings to school under my jeans and socks, and my sister's clothes at night when I was 6. I even went to the bathroom sitting down until one of my friends asked me if something was wrong with me. He asked if I didn't know that I was a boy. It was traumatizing and everything changed for me after that. I did my best to fit in with the boys in school. Looking back I wonder if any of them were able to tell. I also wonder if my parent knew anything about it. Once in 9th grade I dress up as a really slutty bag-lady for Halloween; it felt wonderful when the girls in my class had fun making me up. When they were finished I looked like one of the girls from the "Addicted to love" video, black dress and all. That the was one day I never wanted to end.  Not sure if anyone thought anything about it or not. No one said anything if they did. The only time I slipped up was in 10th grade when I felt a little too comfortable around a female friend that called me out. I of course denied it and our friendship was ruined because of it. She didn't tell anyone, so I really owe her my thanks. I saw her once while in college. She happened to come by where I worked. It was obvious that she knew. She asked how I was doing, then asked again, "How are you REALLY doing?" I told her I was REALLY doing fine, but that one question has haunted me since then. It's one of those moments that I replay in my mind.  I tried steroids once in college to bulk up. I thought that maybe the added T would fix everything. It did add muscle, which made me feel good at first, but it ended up making me unhappy with my appearance even more in the long run. I went from 5-10, 120 pounds to 160 and ripped. The only good thing was that girls paid me more attention and that helped me keep my mind occupied, except I really wanted to BE them instead of be WITH them. I never ventured into relationships with men.  I fantasize about it all the time, and have had some serious crushes but have never trusted anyone enough to make that leap. I've come close on a few occasions, which is the reason I never have more than 2 drinks. To fast forward, I went through college, dated girls, got married and had a son. I more or less married for show and really didn't marry well. Once divorced and living alone I spent several months going through my work day as a guy and redressing as soon as I got home except for the days I had visitation with my son. One day after much research online decided to try black cohosh (40mg). I only took one per day to see how it made me feel. I really don't know what my goal was. It was an odd feeling. I continued to take one per day for about 2 weeks until I my nipples started to change. The areolas got larger but when I got aroused or cold they would more or less shrink in diameter and stick out. They were also hard as heck and super sensitive. They stuck out so much that they could be seen though an undershirt and dress shirt and I could feel the slightest rub of the fabric. The area around them also got slightly puffy and one girl asked if I had started working out. This scared the hell out of me. I immediately stopped taking the cohosh because it was evident that it would outwardly noticeable. The part that really stunk was that I started to grow chest hair too. Before that I never had any chest hair and I hate it. I just assume that it was from the cohosh.  From everything I read I shouldn't have had any physical changes from such a low dose.  That was 10 years ago and my nipples are still that way. After that little fiasco I went back to suppressing those thoughts and dating girls again. I am married again and had a second son.  My wife and my sons are wonderful, but to them I am just a normal guy. My goal is to never let them be the wiser. With a lifetime of practice I have gotten good at being just that normal guy. Of course I'm never satisfied with what I see in the mirror but then again I don't know anyone that is, even the most beautiful girls I've known. The problem is that as time passes it gets more difficult. There are some days when I see a woman and I get a true to life pain in my heart and a feeling that makes it hard to breathe because I want so much to be her. It doesn't matter if she is slim and sultry or short and portly. If only wizards were real.  Oh well, they aren't real, and I am me. If my bell rings I will deal with it then, but until that point comes I will take each day as it comes and enjoy the time I get to spend with my family. To tell the honest to God truth, I hope that day never comes because it scares the hell out of me.  The wonderful thing about the internet is it allows someone like me to know that there are many others that have gone through, and are going through the same thing as me. I am actually trembling as I look at the post button, lol.

[Raelyn2]

Wow, I actually feel better having put that out there. Sort of energetic, and giddy.

[Blue Senpai]

Welcome! I'm very sorry to hear this, I can assure you that you're not alone and that you will find other people with similar stories as yours. Any chance that you'll start to become the woman you've always wanted to be? I understand your fears about your wife and children but your happiness is important too and it's really costing you to keep the status quo in your household. Do know that this feeling will get stronger by the day, most likely, and you will reach a point that you'll realize that you need to take action.

I should know, I spent years trying to deny my feelings to no avail. It's gotten to the point that I'm easily angered, angry at the world and feeling resentful without ever really knowing why until one day I knew. I'm trying to fix this issue before killing myself starts looking like a good option.

[JulieBlair]

Toni,
Where to start...  I'm very glad you are here, just so you know your story isn't unique, and you are not crazy.  Most of us here have struggled for years and decades before having the courage to begin the search for an authentic expression of who we are.  I hope that you will consider talking to a counselor who has experience with gender dysphoria.  There is a lot of support and wisdom here, but that is not a substitute for independent face-to-face therapy.

There are examples of exceptional people who have been able to find a balance between the despair of dysphoria, and the commitment to family.  Aisla and Satinjoy are people whose writings I admire and who have found a middle way after much examination and work.  That is not my story, I finally had to choose between transition and emotional death.  I now live full time as a woman and, even though the cost nearly killed me, live authentically and joyfully.

The important thing to remember is that who you are and what you feel are real and valuable.  The discovery of self is a journey, and you have taken the first and one of the hardest steps.  In a little while you will be able to send anyone here a personal message, and I hope you avail yourself of that privilege.  Seek wisdom wherever you can find it, knowing that within these forums there is acceptance and unconditional love.  Good luck and peace as you go into the discovery of self.  From your introduction, you have the chops to do this wherever road you finally travel.

Julie

[Raelyn2]

Thanks so much for the replies. It was starting to make me nervous that people were reading my introduction but had nothing to say.
I know who I am inside, and I know what I am inside. I have really known for as long as I can remember. BTW,  I chose my alternate name Toni when I was seven. It was my birthday wish. Toni was my cousin's girlfriend. She had hair like Farah Faucet and wore Jordashe jeans. She was who I most pretended to be.
Do I ever see myself becoming the girl I really am and let the world know it? I don't know.
  I read an article online a few months back called "So you want to be a T-Girl". This article really scared the begeeses out of me.  Up until that point I hadn't really thought of the costs that one must pay to transition. Stupid, yes I know. I haven't dressed since then because the realization hit me like a brick of what exactly I was laying on the line had I gotten caught. I don't know if I'm fooling myself, but should the me inside be anyone else's business?  I have a good job, make a decent living and do my best to take care of my wife's needs as well as those of my children. I would never cheat on my wife so I don't see myself ever finding out what I have been missing by giving myself to a man.  Besides; I doubt it would live up to the fantasy, nothing ever does.  Besides that, do I have to tell anyone? Do I have to transition? Why can't I keep this to myself? There are a lot of women that are comfortable wearing pants every day. There are women that aren't overly "girlie" or "butch". Maybe I am one of them. 

[Jess42]

Been there done that and failed miserably at it. The girlfriend thing that is, never had a shortage of girlfriends but I think it was something of me that cisguys didn't have. There are a lot of ourselves that no one knows and really isn't anybody's business but your own and who you want to share it with. You do not have to transition, you do not have to go HRT and definately not SRS. You can find a sweet spot. I have one but it changes sometimes more on the female side of things and used to be sometimes on the male but more and more that sweet spot is staying in the female territory way more often than the male. So expect it to very well be dynamic and change from one day to the next. As long as you are comfortable with who you are and accept who you are and can find a comfort level with yourself, that is really all we can ask for. But like I say it changes and may get worst or you may feel more of a pull to the female side and go a little farther and so on. And quite possibly go the other way too.

[awilliams1701]

I had experiences where I let girls do girly things to me. I went along with it thinking it was about them touching me, but it never occurred to me the real reason I did it was to be myself. I was so afraid of it that I not only hid from everyone but also myself. To make things worse I'm a nerd which in high school was a death sentence. Now I get to be fully me for a brief period of time every day and mostly me the rest of the time. I look forward to being me full time.

[Jess42]

I had experiences where I let girls do girly things to me. I went along with it thinking it was about them touching me, but it never occurred to me the real reason I did it was to be myself. I was so afraid of it that I not only hid from everyone but also myself. To make things worse I'm a nerd which in high school was a death sentence. Now I get to be fully me for a brief period of time every day and mostly me the rest of the time. I look forward to being me full time.

I definately had to smile when I read that. It ws the same with me. I had no brothers or sisters but my female cousins were all around my age but all older by one or two years. And we all lived within walking distance of each other. My male cousins were way older than me so I played more house and with Barbies and dress up more than I ever did with toy cars and so on. I realized from an early age I actually enjoyed it and it just felt right and the boys games and so on just sucked and actually bored me. Funny thing is that quite a few of those female cousins turned out way more boy than me in a tomboy type of way. How's that for irony?

[awilliams1701]

One thing I do recall is that I thought both gi Joes and barbies were both equally uninteresting. However something about barbies hair intrigued me. I've always been fascinated by hair.

[Jess42]

One thing I do recall is that I thought both gi Joes and barbies were both equally uninteresting. However something about barbies hair intrigued me. I've always been fascinated by hair.

Me too but rather my own. I used to throw tantrums, actual freakin' tantrums when my mom and dad decided I needed a haircut. They finally gave up when I was about ten and would hear them talking and hide in the woods and one time made them look for two days. I don't really know who was frustrated more, me with the haircuts or them with my long hair. But I won the battle.

[Raelyn2]

Has anyone figured out why the unbearable urges and desires come in waves? Some days I want to cry all day, it hurts to open my eyes. Then it goes away and all is well sometimes for days, sometimes for months before coming back.

[awilliams1701]

I certainly don't,but you're not alone. I'm right with you. Yesterday for the first time I felt like I didn't need to transition at all and today I feel like I can't start fast enough.

[Jess42]

Has anyone figured out why the unbearable urges and desires come in waves? Some days I want to cry all day, it hurts to open my eyes. Then it goes away and all is well sometimes for days, sometimes for months before coming back.

Just the way the mind works with dysphoria. Sometimes it may be unbearable and other times not. Certain triggers may set it off. Seeing a girl on TV and wishing you could be her and focusing on that little wish turns into a monster. Could be the smell of perfume, a certain hairstyle, a certain type of clothing and the list goes on and is endless.

BTW if you feel like crying, cry. It is a really good emotional release and in some cases actually may help.

[awilliams1701]

When I see a girl like that triggers jealousy not dysphoria. At least for me. Jealousy is about what I want and dysphoria is about what I don't want. Most recently I noticed my leg hair and that triggered a major dysphoria issue.

[Jess42]

When I see a girl like that triggers jealousy not dysphoria. At least for me. Jealousy is about what I want and dysphoria is about what I don't want. Most recently I noticed my leg hair and that triggered a major dysphoria issue.

I am just not the jealous type. Envious maybe but really not jealous. There is a fix for the leg hair, get rid of it. I haven't had leg hair since I was 15 and there are many excuses you can use to get rid of it. A Doctor told me to get rid of it at that age because I was sweating and getting bacterial infections and the hair trapping the sweat between the skin and hair and leading to infections. Without the hair trapping the sweat next to the skin and leading to bacterial growth the clothing soaks up the sweat. It is definately not a scientific thing that is proven other than I can say it works freakin' wonders for me. And if anyone has anything to say about it I just tell them a Doctor suggested it and that usually ends any further discussions. Not to mention the side effect being sexy smooth legs that'll rival any cisgirl's legs.  

[Raelyn2]

I definitely fall into the dysphoric realm. I tailor my exercise and diet to create a more female shape.  I do it as religiously as if I had some sort of competition to get ready for. Problem is when I start seeing results other people start noticing that I've lost weight and I get this feeling like think I look fem and they know. If I look strong they won't know. Then I start with pushups and pull ups and the lats and shoulders get more pronounced and it starts all over again. Last time I got down to a 37 in chest and 27in waist. I felt great then my mom started worrying about me scared that I was ill. So it was back to eating more and working out my upper body. When I start looking more masculine the depression starts. My main trigger would have to be a girl with great calves and ankles. I have really skinny but knobby ankles, it's really depressing. I would give anything to inject fat or something into that area to round it out.
BTW becoming a cyclist is a great way to explain shaved legs. It is also great for the butt.

[awilliams1701]

I'll do my legs at winter. I figure if they suddenly go smooth it will be more obvious than if they start out that way for next summer. Hopefully I'll be on HRT and look more girly by then as well.

[Jess42]

I definitely fall into the dysphoric realm. I tailor my exercise and diet to create a more female shape.  I do it as religiously as if I had some sort of competition to get ready for. Problem is when I start seeing results other people start noticing that I've lost weight and I get this feeling like think I look fem and they know. If I look strong they won't know. Then I start with pushups and pull ups and the lats and shoulders get more pronounced and it starts all over again. Last time I got down to a 37 in chest and 27in waist. I felt great then my mom started worrying about me scared that I was ill. So it was back to eating more and working out my upper body. When I start looking more masculine the depression starts. My main trigger would have to be a girl with great calves and ankles. I have really skinny but knobby ankles, it's really depressing. I would give anything to inject fat or something into that area to round it out.
BTW becoming a cyclist is a great way to explain shaved legs. It is also great for the butt.

Ahh, don't worry about hairless legs. Most people will never notice anyway and even if they do I see more and more guys ridding themselves of the nasty freakin' body hair.

Don't worry about what your body looks like to others. A long as you are happy with it that is all that counts. When I was 18 I think I might have weighed in at 130 pounds and looked a little more female than male bodywise and nobody seemed to care too much. Oh yeah there were some that might have said something 'cause of a slight case of gynecomastia, my size, hairless legs and long hair but it wasn't that bad and not that much. The thing I had going for me was the girls liked me and that made the guys think twice about giving me a hard time.

The main thing is trying to ease the dysphoria for you. And if gaining muscle and msculinizing yourself is causing dysphoia don't do it.