turning into a masochist

[jussmoi4nao]

So this is a disturbing trend I've noticed in myself lately. Less lately...more of something that's been growing over a long time.

Basically I'm obsessed with things that hurt me. I love cutting because I like to watch myself bleed and this guy actually told me it turned him on that I did that and it turned me on that it turned him on. And then, yeah guys...whereas I use to be very traditional and vanilla ive found myself drawn to these straight up sadists..who like rape scenarios, whips/chains and a lot of hardcore BDSM stuff that I never used to go for but am not closing my mind to anymore.

Then if I get into dangerous situations I've noticed that...I get scared, yeah. In fact I get scared really easily but part of me is also thrilled by it and that scares me even more. Because I kind of want to be dead, I've been morbidly fascinated with my own death for a long time tbh. But I'm not suicidal at all which I know isn't believable but I'm not. If I die I wanna be murdered or have an accident, I have no desire/energy to kill myself ATM

I've noticed that I've never been able to feel good things that happen to me, but I feel the bad things a LOT. Like...it's hard if not impossible to feel joy or happiness or pleasure but when I feel depressed or stressed or any kind of pain I feel it a LOT. And I've noticed I have this habit of looking back to when I first came out (as gay) all the time...partly I think because of the hope there was and partly because it was so bad that it was like this...glorious kinda misery.

Does anybody else have similar problems? Consciously I WANT to be happy. Like I want to feel good things like other people but I just can't and I'm afraid that I'm going to stop trying because it never works the bad ->-bleeped-<- is just pulling me in more and more

[sad panda]

Heya, as always, I totally get you and feel the same way, remember when I used to say I'm attracted most to guys that scare me? Yeah... same feelings. Hope you've been OK though. I think there's totally safe ways to feel these things, you don't have to ruin yourself over it. Personally I haven't cut in like over a month even.

Pain is a strange thing though. It can cause a euphoria even biochemically. Cutting gives endorphins for example. I think what you (and I) are feeling is not that weird. Being used gives a sense of worth too, it's just not the greatest way in the world to get that.

[jussmoi4nao]

Heya, as always, I totally get you and feel the same way, remember when I used to say I'm attracted most to guys that scare me? Yeah... same feelings. Hope you've been OK though. I think there's totally safe ways to feel these things, you don't have to ruin yourself over it. Personally I haven't cut in like over a month even.

Pain is a strange thing though. It can cause a euphoria even biochemically. Cutting gives endorphins for example. I think what you (and I) are feeling is not that weird. Being used gives a sense of worth too, it's just not the greatest way in the world to get that.

Its not guys that scare me per se, its hard to describe. I want a guy that is nice to me emotionally (bit still 'in charge' and dominant) I guess but physically controlling/dominant or even abusive I guess. But then I'm attracted to situations that scare me.

Then the cutting is weird. I especially like to see my own blood and I like the way it makes me get really emotional and its easier to cry and let stuff out. But I do feel euphoric afterwards . I did it not that long ago but I got embarrassed cuz this guy I was out with saw them and called me out and basically said I was a dumbass to do it. So I haven't since and I'm trying to quit.

[Lady_Oracle]

During my last laser session, it hurt so much I started crying but then I started laughing to ease the super pain I was feeling(I have a low pain tolerance). I have this strange coping mechanism when it comes to pain. When I see terrible acts happen one of my usual responses is to laugh. I don't mean to, it just happens involuntarily. When my parents would take me to the movies. There was this one that had a really sad ending. All I can remember is everyone in the theater sobbing and I was doing everything I could to keep myself from laughing.

[sad panda]

Its not guys that scare me per se, its hard to describe. I want a guy that is nice to me emotionally (bit still 'in charge' and dominant) I guess but physically controlling/dominant or even abusive I guess. But then I'm attracted to situations that scare me.

Then the cutting is weird. I especially like to see my own blood and I like the way it makes me get really emotional and its easier to cry and let stuff out. But I do feel euphoric afterwards . I did it not that long ago but I got embarrassed cuz this guy I was out with saw them and called me out and basically said I was a dumbass to do it. So I haven't since and I'm trying to quit.

So, rather than a purely dom/sub type thing, it's more physical? Kinda like it goes back to your obsession with your death/destruction?

You know, sorry if this is way off, but I almost feel like maybe you're trying to own your pain so it can't catch you off guard. You know? What do you think? And of course also there is that component of it being validating, right? The more extreme desires you can fulfill, the more people have to come to you to fulfill them? Maybe?

And yeah, I don't think I struggle with cutting over normal reasons either. For me it's just a destructive outlet when intense stress has built up in my body, I'll just have to act out, so I cut. And yeah, people seeing them is what gets me too. I usually don't cut in visible places but sometimes I just would be so crazy and not care about anything, and I did it all up and down my leg, and it made my leg look really ridiculous for summer cuz I don't have much of a tan. People really do judge you for it though so :/ it's not even one of those worries like "I look so fat today" or something. Plus, you can get all sorts of diseases if you're unlucky. Oh god, I have become so paranoid ever since I learned that flesh eating bacteria LIVE on your OWN skin!!! D:

[jussmoi4nao]

So, rather than a purely dom/sub type thing, it's more physical? Kinda like it goes back to your obsession with your death/destruction?

You know, sorry if this is way off, but I almost feel like maybe you're trying to own your pain so it can't catch you off guard. You know? What do you think? And of course also there is that component of it being validating, right? The more extreme desires you can fulfill, the more people have to come to you to fulfill them? Maybe?

And yeah, I don't think I struggle with cutting over normal reasons either. For me it's just a destructive outlet when intense stress has built up in my body, I'll just have to act out, so I cut. And yeah, people seeing them is what gets me too. I usually don't cut in visible places but sometimes I just would be so crazy and not care about anything, and I did it all up and down my leg, and it made my leg look really ridiculous for summer cuz I don't have much of a tan. People really do judge you for it though so :/ it's not even one of those worries like "I look so fat today" or something. Plus, you can get all sorts of diseases if you're unlucky. Oh god, I have become so paranoid ever since I learned that flesh eating bacteria LIVE on your OWN skin!!! D:

Yeah its really complicated. Its almost like I wanna be abused or even humiliated but I don't want him to be mean about it per set. Its hard to describe!

And ohh I think that's a part of it. I think it's just kinda the way my life has been its almost like I'm more attuned to pain and I expect it so I actively look for it because it's like...I *have* to feel pain so why not control how. I have a twisted relationship with control too..I feel like I need it intensely but I also want it to be completely taken from me.

And ohh yeah owwiee people are judgmental tho. They see a scratch and suddenly they put you in this box. Its frustrating cuz some are hard to hide. I try to stick to my upper legs and ribcage tho. And ughh yeah that's just what we need flesh eating bacteria xD but yeah I'm getting better I think with the cutting

[Jess42]

I really don't think the cutting is a good thing. Like you said it can have unintentional consequences. Plus scars. But all the other stuff even the cutting and bleeding believe it or not is way more common and normal than what you think. Pain and fear set off certain chemical reactions in the brain and floods the body with adrenaline which is a type of high. Letting someone else have total control over you and being helpless also set off certain chemicals in the brain which can lead to a euphoric feeling. It can have many benefits in relieving stress. I mean high power CEO types often go to Dominatrixes as an outlet for stress and being in control all the time, they relieve stress by relinquishing control and letting someone else have full control over them.

Like I said way more normal than most people are willing to admit too.