I've been lurking around these forums for the longest time, much more so in the last 2 years or so when I finally started coming out to myself and the people around me. I figure it's time I came out of the shadows here as well, so I'll start with a brief summary of my life.
I started crossdressing in private from as young as 4-6 years of age, and while I had both girls and boys as friends, I remember preferring the company of girls. Starting at about 8-12 years old, I got the message that girls were gross/stupid and that I had to hang out with boys, and I tried my best to fit in. I found some close friends in boys, but they were the exception, rather than the rule. For the most part I kept my distance from males through my teenage years and early adult life, and while I managed to fit in when I had to, I was always conscious of the act I was putting up and how much effort it took.
The act I had to put up was always so draining, and I always found it a relief to be at alone in my room at home, and I preferred solitude above all else, seeking escape in films and video games (especially RPGs with a female avatar).
Like most of mainstream society in the 90's, I conflated sexual orientation with gender identity, which kept me closeted and confused for the longest time, as I was primarily attracted to girls. I first read about transsexualism in an encyclopedia as a child, and I remember thinking that was me, but how could it be if I had crushes on girls?
As a result, I dismissed my crossdressing as a fetish, and did all I could to embrace any and all aspects of myself that were stereotypically male. I figured I could fix myself through willpower and conditioning alone and I disregarded the less obvious but far more damning signs of my gender dysphoria.
I played rugby briefly, joined the national cadet corps (military-themed uniformed youth organization in Commonwealth nations), enlisted in the actual military, rode a motorcycle, drank and smoked to excess; generally, living a dangerous life in the hopes that I would meet an untimely end so I could take my secret to the grave with me. Following my first breakdown when I came out to my cell phone, I even bought into Blanchard's theory on ->-bleeped-<-, so I had a girlfriend for a year.
But still, it stayed with me, always lurking in the shadows of my psyche and when that relationship ended, I found myself alone with myself, face-to-face with that part of myself that I tried so hard to deny all my life.
I began self-administering blockers and later on, estradiol for short while, and came out to a girl I'd known in my childhood. We had a short but intense relationship lasting a few months before I had to leave for school, whereupon I tried repressing my gender identity again, but the box had already been opened at that point.
I saw a gender therapist over the Christmas holidays last year, and I'll be seeing an endocrinologist tomorrow. In the meantime I've come out to about 5 people closest to me, and about 10 students at the school I go to. I even came out to my mother a month ago, and I plan to talk to my sister about it when I see her next month.
For the first time in my life, I'm starting to envision a future for myself that I actually want to live for. A close childhood friend of mine used to remind me of something I'd said years ago, that I "didn't see myself living past 21". All I could see then, beyond my obligation to complete school was a empty black space where my hopes and dreams should have been.
It's still a work in progress and I have no idea where this path I'm taking will lead me, so it'll just be baby steps and little bridges till I find myself.
Thanks for reading (and listening).
I can't promise that I'll be a regular here, but everyone here has been a source of support and inspiration even if none of you knew that, and I wanted to start contributing by at least sharing my story.
XOXO
