my mother

[Umiko]

i use to say i hate my birth mother more than i can hate anything or when they say its impossible to hate you mother, they lied and should be hung while being burnt alive, revived hung and burnt alive again until their soul literally falls apart. well, i lied on that, yet again. i miss my mother so badly to the point i break in uncontrollable tears. i try to force myself to remember the pain she caused me but i cant find it in my heart to hate her. my adopted mother is great but yet i feel this deeper need, that yearning that can only be quench by my birth mother. i even thought about telling her about being trans but i'm scared she might reject me. my birth mother was cruel, mean, but the wrong people took advantage of her, she was abused by my grandmother's boyfriend, my grandmother didnt do right by her. ugh! some times i'm just so confused and the times i do confined in my mother, i feel better. my adopted mother....i just feel like some times i wish i choice to go back with my actual mother, though she is messed up, i would of been a lot more happier than i am now.

[Felix]

This is really complicated. I don't know what to say or why I feel like I should respond here.

My own biological mother is not normal. I don't think she has the ability to experience remorse or empathy or sympathy, and I tried my best to get to know her. She seems hollow. I don't think she loves anyone or ever has. The abuse that I know my mother suffered does not change my feelings about her. I understand that she experienced trauma, but I have no desire to be around her nonetheless. Piles of wrongs don't make a right.

That's not to say that your inclination to go to your biological mom is incorrect or misguided. This stuff is never simple.

[Umiko]

it is complicated. i try to wonder why i want to even associate with my birth mother. maybe its because she kept me from my father which forced me to become more emotionally attached to her? manipulation? idk what it is but all i know is if i tell her whats on my mind, i feel relief, but i cant talk to my adopted mother at all and my birth mother is always in my corner. last time i talked to my birth mother and i asked her why did she do what she did, i broke down crying afterwards saying i miss her knowing that if i do, it;ll only cause me more pain. i just feel like i'm swimming in shark infested waters without protection.

[Felix]

it is complicated. i try to wonder why i want to even associate with my birth mother. maybe its because she kept me from my father which forced me to become more emotionally attached to her? manipulation? idk what it is but all i know is if i tell her whats on my mind, i feel relief, but i cant talk to my adopted mother at all and my birth mother is always in my corner. last time i talked to my birth mother and i asked her why did she do what she did, i broke down crying afterwards saying i miss her knowing that if i do, it;ll only cause me more pain. i just feel like i'm swimming in shark infested waters without protection.

I think maybe other adoptees will have better advice than will others whose mothers weren't great. That hole in your life seems normal for people raised by non-blood family, like a really big version of the curiosity about heritage that most people from all backgrounds have.

I was taken from my parents occasionally, but was never adopted by anyone else. So I don't know. If you are able to have a relationship with your birth mother, it's probably a good thing, but be careful not to let it damage you or anyone else too much.

[Ms Grace]

Sadly not everyone gets the life skills they need to be good parents, they have children but are not able to cope with their own life let alone care for the child/ren they've brought into the world. Some people are almost deliberately that way and toxic, others just don't know better and are confused... I don't know where your birth mother falls on that spectrum. It sounds like you are still dealing with the abuse you suffered, you feel a loss and a betrayal that the one person you should have been able to rely on to protect you and love you let you down terribly. But now you have a person who is prepared to be your mother, who I hope is there to love you - being with your birth mother sounds like it would be poison for you, better to focus on the love that is in your life and take that in.

[Umiko]

more so of a double edge sword. when i was younger, i was at the happiest time of my life. though i was being neglected, the feeling of sorrow never touched me, but yet i was being killed over and over and over again. when i was taken away and abused, that sorrow finally hit me. i thought if i just forgot her, i would finally be released but i sorta developed Stockholm's though it i lived with her, the abuse wasnt motherly or parent like. even to this day i cant get over it. its like my mother issues arent important because i do bring it up, but its always deflated and attention goes back to the sexual abuse i faced in my placements. this is one of the main reasons why i want to retain half of my maleness. i'm the oldest of..honestly, i dont even know what the number is now but my 2 middle children moved on, my younger brother went into the military and he is doing well, my sister, well she is more normal than i am though she is mentally unstable, and me, the oldest, i'm a hot mess. honestly, when i heard my father was killed, i didnt shed a tear but the thought of my mother dying, i just broke down out of random.

[Ms Grace]

Well, I'm glad you see it as a form of Stockholm's, it means you do have some distance from it. I do hope you are also talking to your therapist about these feelings and the pain it is causing you.

[Umiko]

Well, I'm glad you see it as a form of Stockholm's, it means you do have some distance from it. I do hope you are also talking to your therapist about these feelings and the pain it is causing you.

i am with my psychiatrist. i'll bring it up with my GT since he is a psychotherapist as well. i was trying to forget about it but i guess its not really working. and i recently just found out, besides my sister, there was a huge chance i was raped as well when i was living with my mother. i was going to confront her but of course she would deny it. its just really frustrating.

[Felix]

I think you might have to figure out some rules for interacting with your birth mother, either your own internal rules or something you discuss together. Or both. Talking about rape seems like a bad way to engage with a tenuous relationship, unless hashing that out is more important than the relationship. Sometimes that kind of thing is. I really think you should be careful. Don't let her hurt you, and if you are feeling empowered, try not to hurt her too much. Always choose your own well-being if that kind of question comes up. I assume she would want you to prioritize yourself even if she isn't able to say that.

[Umiko]

I think you might have to figure out some rules for interacting with your birth mother, either your own internal rules or something you discuss together. Or both. Talking about rape seems like a bad way to engage with a tenuous relationship, unless hashing that out is more important than the relationship. Sometimes that kind of thing is. I really think you should be careful. Don't let her hurt you, and if you are feeling empowered, try not to hurt her too much. Always choose your own well-being if that kind of question comes up. I assume she would want you to prioritize yourself even if she isn't able to say that.

thats true. i tend to be very strong whenever i speak with her. i let go of all rationality just to get my answers and if i see she is lying to me, i tend to stone  her for the lack of a better term until she tells me the truth, but yet after, i regret it and end up taking it out on myself so the rolls are yet again reversed. i just feel like i should just tell her i'm trans and let her reject me. i feel it would save me the grief and just leaving knowing eventually i will come crawling back

[Felix]

It sounds like you are more healthy than she is. I think you should be careful about how you talk to her about most things, but your gender identity should not be a secret unless you are deeply certain that she would reject you and that the rejection would be unbearable.

Again, be careful. It sounds like you have strong feelings about your birth mother - which is normal - and that can make it difficult to maintain normal social functioning and protect your sense of self.

[Umiko]

i wouldnt know until i tell her but i'm pretty good when it comes to rejection because my view is if you get rejected, you shouldnt cry over it and just move on with your life, but i tend to keep that to myself because everyone is different and i tend not to get to emotionally attached to get to the point rejection would break and kill me. i just dont know if she deserves to know or i should just tell her because i'm her child and i at least owe her that

[Felix]

i wouldnt know until i tell her but i'm pretty good when it comes to rejection because my view is if you get rejected, you shouldnt cry over it and just move on with your life, but i tend to keep that to myself because everyone is different and i tend not to get to emotionally attached to get to the point rejection would break and kill me. i just dont know if she deserves to know or i should just tell her because i'm her child and i at least owe her that

I don't think you owe her anything. I think you should be careful and respectful because it's important to not be a damaging force for yourself or the people around you, but I don't see why you should have any obligations to her in particular. Sometimes it can really help to come out to certain people, though. I'm not sure that I ever came out to my mom, but I waited a long time to tell my dad because I wanted him to know, and his knowing felt like it mattered whether he was cool with it or not. So timing seemed relevant.

Forgive me if I'm overstepping in my assumptions.

[Umiko]

i'm thinking about telling my birth mother, not because i owe her but its for me to finally forgive and forget though i'm not planning a to bound with her at all