Recent Thoughts...

[AshleeLC]

Have you ever...just wanted to say f#ck it all? Give up, go hide in a whole, pull the trigger and end it? Lately, hell, the past 4 months, I have fealt this way, at first I thought it was because of my lack of a sex life, as I had had a large drive before and maybe the change to no sex was causing it, now I don't think that's even remotely the case, though its been 5 months since the last time. My family hates me, Im used as a joke, or was I suppose at school, whenever I walk down the street I get honked at and insulted, regardless of what clothes I wear, male or female attire. I have tried support groups. They do nothing, only increasing my feelings. I even started seeing a therapist (I was self dubbing before, still am, but not important), she has never had a trans patient before me, and the only one I can get to who has degrees for it. She tries but it doesn't help. I dont know what to do anymore, the only thing that keeps me going is my 6 months anniversary soon for starting HRT, and even thats starting to mean less and less as my life has become a constant ache and pain. I dont want to wake up in the morning. I simply want to go to sleep, and never wake again. I want blackness, no heaven, no hell, no deity telling me what I did right or wrong, I just want blackness and nothingness, sleep til the end of eternity and til the universe is no longer a universe but just cold empty space. I hate feeling this way, and I dont see any way out of it but one, and everyday it looks more and more like a friend than a foe.

[Ms Grace]

Ashlee, I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. You are going through a bout of depression and that is what your therapist should be looking to treat ASAP. Nothing ever feels good or positive when you are in that frame of mind, I've been there too and it is not a fun place. Six months of HRT is a significant transition milestone, you are getting closer to being able to be the person you want to be, perhaps try to find some activities and people that will make you feel more positive about yourself and your life. When you say you are self-dubbing, I'm unsure if that is a reference to self-medding, if so you should seriously consider getting some professional medical oversight as hormones can play absolute havoc with your emotions if not monitored properly.
Be well soon.
Hugs
Grace

[rosinstraya]

Hi Ashlee,

That sounds like the most horrendous depression. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't know about your background, but I don't know if a change of scenery is possible for you, maybe to live elsewhere. I know that there can be 101 reasons why that's not possible, so forgive me if I'm presumptuous in saying that. It's just that from your post it sounds like you've got 7 loads of crap going on, and it's dragging you down. Sometimes being in a more supportive neighbourhood or environment can help.

I know how painful suicidal thoughts are, and I agree with Grace that you need to speak to a therapist ( ideally one that "gets" you) and try and talk this through.

Take care and look after yourself, all the very best.

Hugs


Ros

[SandraB]

I don't know if this helps at all, but I hope so. I took a different path than some; I'm a bit older though and it took me a while to figure things out.  My path was initially through a (yikes!) a psychiatrist, my life saver. He set me on a path, a program of group therapy that I stuck with for a good while until I reached a point that it was no longer needed. A low dose med also did wonders. It was a period, for me, of self-discovery, growth and understanding. He was also the first person that I came out to, transitioning and starting HRT. He explained mood changes and the likelihood/ possibilities of depression and during this period and implored that I let him know right away if I noticed any changes however slight. He also offered to set me up with a therapist, which I naturally started seeing right away.
Now my Therapist doesn't specialize in transgender patients. He had only treated a few before. That really didn't matter to me. And that really wasn't a factor at all. As I have mentioned, I'm older, not questioning at all, know my direction and goals. I understand what the pitfalls are, the losses.  I have a good grasp of what I face. This isn't my first time in therapy either. Two of components are honesty and expectations.  You have to be brutally honest with yourself and your therapist or you're wasting your time and money. You're there to get help and figure things out. Your Therapist is your navigator through all of this, there to help you navigate through this quagmire and unless you give him/her truthful information he/she isn't going to be able to help you out. And understand that a Therapist doesn't heal you, make you a better person. That's not really what they do at all. What they do is help you heal yourself; help you make yourself a better person. They help you help yourself. But in the end, the key component in this equation is you. You have to take an active role here. Be honest above all. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your Therapist.
And things do get better. This is just a little hard spot for you right now.  Enjoy the day. Enjoy the moment. Not tomorrow. Today.  This moment.

[MelanieH74]

Hi Ashlee,

Anxiety and depression can be a real beast. IMHO you should seek out a doctor specifically to treat those disorders. I myself struggle with this and it was a nightmare before treatment. It seemed to take a while to kick in for me, but between that and coming out, I'm happy as could be.  Sometimes it takes a while to find everything wrong, but a good counselor helps in combination with the right antidepressants.

I hope you feel better soon
Keep us posted 

[ClaudiaLove]

Have you ever...just wanted to say f#ck it all? Give up, go hide in a whole, pull the trigger and end it? Lately, hell, the past 4 months, I have fealt this way, at first I thought it was because of my lack of a sex life, as I had had a large drive before and maybe the change to no sex was causing it, now I don't think that's even remotely the case, though its been 5 months since the last time. My family hates me, Im used as a joke, or was I suppose at school, whenever I walk down the street I get honked at and insulted, regardless of what clothes I wear, male or female attire. I have tried support groups. They do nothing, only increasing my feelings. I even started seeing a therapist (I was self dubbing before, still am, but not important), she has never had a trans patient before me, and the only one I can get to who has degrees for it. She tries but it doesn't help. I dont know what to do anymore, the only thing that keeps me going is my 6 months anniversary soon for starting HRT, and even thats starting to mean less and less as my life has become a constant ache and pain. I dont want to wake up in the morning. I simply want to go to sleep, and never wake again. I want blackness, no heaven, no hell, no deity telling me what I did right or wrong, I just want blackness and nothingness, sleep til the end of eternity and til the universe is no longer a universe but just cold empty space. I hate feeling this way, and I dont see any way out of it but one, and everyday it looks more and more like a friend than a foe.

Hi ,

It is exactly what I feel , i just wish to go to sleep ... forever .
Yet i woke up , sometimes many times a night , haunted by the nightmares , both about the past and the present  . 
I am stuck in home because on the street i get laughed at , every single minute  .  Now i will get evicted soon , because it is so hard having a job as a transgender still in transition  .
Going ' home ' it is not an option , i don't want to detransition for having a roof over , anyway , i couldn't stay long because i am old now and my parents have expectations  . 
I don't have money for my HRT treatment , it is already five days without it and i feel like i am dying , but i don't , unfortunately  . 
Being affected by OCD and PTSD make things even harder  .  I think i passed the sanity/insanity limit for a while now .
I am hoping i will get some money soon , being hungry all the time makes me even more depressed , as silly as it may sound  . 
So , yeah , not a happy life  .
Hating yourself and not having peace it is the worst punishment for someone  ,  yet i got it , for some reasons  .  Partially it may be my fault , but mostly it is given by the people who surrounded me , who created this horrible monster , and they still affect me , i shake when memories come , sometimes i just want the mind to stop , i just want peace  ... 
I am only kept physically alive by being too scared to do what i want and need to do .  In fact , i just got a thought that was hidden by depression , i still hope to feel like in the days i was happy , the days my mind was free , sometimes i feel that some happy moments worth going thru days of misery  . Maybe that stops me from suicide ...
Anyway , sorry for this rambling post , i am just so sad and i needed to vent