Job

[FindingJames]

I graduate from high school in about a year, and I plan on working as soon as I graduate. My mother said she could get me a job where she works (except a different division than hers) which would be good because it pays a bit better than a retail or service job most teenagers get. That means I would have more money to put toward my transition. The problem is that my boss would be one of my mother's closest friends, and everybody at her company see me as female. She told everybody she works with that I'm trans but I know that she downplayed it a lot. My mother sees me as a girl who's never going to transition and is just going to go through life with a girly voice and boobs weakly saying "I'm a boy". So I know that that's how she explained in to everybody there. Also once I had to go into the office with her and she kept introducing me as her "daughter or 'son'" but very sarcastically saying son. She also hyphenates my birth name and preferred name a lot. Lets for example say my birth name is Kelly, she would say "Kelly-James" but say it in a super sarcastic way because she flat out refuses to use my preferred name in a serious manner. Basically long story short...I'm really afraid that if I take this job I won't be taken seriously or treated like a guy. The company doesn't discriminate on anything so I don't have to worry about not getting hired or having an employee straight out say something to my face about me being trans, but I have this feeling that I will only ever be seen as female (whether I'm on T or not) because of my mother. I don't want to be in a situation where I feel uncomfortable all the time (because my mother can't accept me as her son but yet can still go around blabbing my personal business to people I don't even know), but at the same time I would be getting paid more and it's pretty much guaranteed that I will be hired and won't get fired whereas that's not guaranteed with another job.

I know that I could always talk to my boss if I feel there is an issue but I'm not sure that would help. Hell, I don't even definitively know if it will be a problem or if I would feel uncomfortable...I may just be working myself up over nothing. But what would you guys do? Would you take the job or just get a different one even though it pays a little bit less?

[Arch]

How much is the pay, and what are you likely to get at another job?

Unless you already have gobs of work experience, this job might be worth some discomfort. You can always use the job to get valuable work experience and a recommendation, and then leave after a year or so. It's hard for teenagers to get that first job. But I think a lot depends on how dysphoric you think you'll be and on unknown variables (such as, will your mother come around while you are working there, or will she go out of her way to ridicule you?).

Have you written up a pro/con list?

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, not that long ago I would have said "don't take it, it's not worth the pay."

But, recent experiences have come to show me that sometimes it is worth giving people a chance and they may surprise you. Maybe they will be influenced by your mother - in which case, you may choose to leave, especially when you start T (because pre-t stealth is nearly always impossible so you will have to tell people you are trans anyway). But maybe they will think your mother is being unfair, and if you educate them a little, they could be a valuable ally to you.

So personally, I would give it a shot. Worse comes to worse you can find a lower paying job and quit. Best case scenario, you get decent pay and some supportive people in your life.

[Hikari]

...Unless you already have gobs of work experience, this job might be worth some discomfort. You can always use the job to get valuable work experience and a recommendation, and then leave after a year or so...

This is good advice; experience is more valuable than wages if you don't already have a few years of it from my point of view. When you are in a situation of not have much or any experience, and being young, especially if you don't have a really in demand degree, it can be very hard to find any reasonable job. Unless you are independently wealthy, I would say your job is the single most enabling factor behind transition.

[Ephemeral]

I have quite strong opinions when it comes to this but my immediate reaction is something like "well, I will show my mom that she can take that sarcasm and shove it up her ass" and I'll show her by proving myself to everyone there that I'm indeed a guy despite being female-born and if my mom thinks otherwise she can go to hell for all I care. The money's definitely worth it, like others pointed out. If you also happened to live in a country like USA where trans treatment is not readily available and paid by the state, it is almost more important to take that job and deal with the discomfort. As others pointed out, you don't have to stay there forever, but given the way the market works today any job, especially a stable one, is definitely better than no job. That job will open up more jobs for you in the future so it's not just about the immediate money though that is definitely a perk. Especially if you need to pay your own surgery it is increasingly important to start saving up, get an insurance from the employer if possible etc.

Explain to the employees who engage you that your mother is not very respectful towards you and your identity and how you wish they should address you. Your mom does not have mind control over every employee at her job and you are working at separate divisions and will therefore likely not necessarily work with the same people or even run into each other that much.

And yes, do talk to the boss. It will be difficult and feel awkward but if they are as open as you say they are, they should respect your identity and address you properly. If they don't it's a form of bullying and if that happens that's an entirely different can of worms, but I would definitely at least start out at this new job and at least see how it turns out.

Your mom does not have as much power as you think she does. When you meet people you have the power to change their perception of you because they do not have any other perception than what your mom told them and if you really contradict what your mom said by proving that you are more than just a girl who is meekly saying they are a boy, most people will see that and go a little "oh" inside and dismiss your mom's version of you. Especially if you interact with people a lot that your mom does not interact with, you can definitely make sure to shape their perception in a way that's favorable.

Being trans is always an uphill battle like that but most people are generally respectful unless they are bigoted idiots but no one wants to be around them anyway. Choose to keep people around who respect you and will help you in this. Maybe you'll find some trans/LGBT supporters at your new job? Just because your mom is like this doesn't mean everyone is.

[Alexthecat]

Well the good news is your mom knows about your transition. Now you just need to take a step at a time and if she gets pissed theres the comeback "I've told you this is happening before, you know I'm trans so it's not a surprise". When it comes to surgery you set the date, she will either come and be your person in the waiting room or you make a new friend at this job who will do it for you.

Personally I didn't tell my mom until 13 days before my surgery. Grandma knew though and went with me.

[JayDawg]

James, if the company has an anti-discrimination anti-harassment policy that included gender identity, and your mom continues to ridicule you at work, she will be in violation of company policy. She already is if she behaved like that on the premises. If you get hired there, make that clear to the human resources department and your boss, and start documenting her behavior immediately, before you even start there.

Would she behave that way toward another trans employee? If not, then she shouldn't behave like that to you, even if you don't work there.

[CursedFireDean]

As someone who just graduated and has looked for jobs, take it. If you have no work experience,it's going to be crazy hard to find something, so take it for the pay and for the experience. At least if I were you, I would. As others say if trans is included in the policy then your mom can't ridicule you at work like that.
There is always a chance too that your boss has actually been offended or uneasy with how your mother speaks about you. Just because your mother has said things does not necessarily mean that others will view you that way. Make it clear to your boss that you are serious.

[King Malachite]

Take the job.  Jobs are hard to come by nowadays, especially in the U.S. and if you're young and inexperienced.  I'm 22 with a degree and I just got my first job in May....and it's a minimum wage job that has nothing to do with my field.  If you have the opportunity for a decent-paying job then take it.  Your mother has already set the stage by telling employees that you are trans, even if it was downplayed.  I would take that and run with it, therefore when you DO transition, she can't say she wasn't warned.  If you don't like it, then you can always leave, or you could just find a lower-paying job, transition first, and then go work where she is, but that may take much longer.

[FindingJames]

How much is the pay, and what are you likely to get at another job?

Unless you already have gobs of work experience, this job might be worth some discomfort. You can always use the job to get valuable work experience and a recommendation, and then leave after a year or so. It's hard for teenagers to get that first job. But I think a lot depends on how dysphoric you think you'll be and on unknown variables (such as, will your mother come around while you are working there, or will she go out of her way to ridicule you?).

Have you written up a pro/con list?

Well at another job I would be making minimum wage which is $8 in my state. I don't know exactly what I would be making if I take this job, but I think it's somewhere around $10 or $11 an hour.It's not a whole lot more but it's still something.
Bringing up experience was a good point. I never really thought about that before, but I guess gaining experience would be beneficial in helping me get a better job later on.
I honestly don't know how dysphoric I will feel (if at all since I usually think things will be worse than they actually are). I'm just really worried that I will be going from school (extremely dysphoric and hostile environment) into a job where nothing really changes. The only thing that has really kept me going is telling myself that I won't be forced into a building with 400 other immature kids who bully me once I graduate. But if I have to work in a similar situation for the next few years, what's the point?
I did make a pros/cons list.
Pros: a bit higher pay, pretty much guaranteed that I will be hired, won't be fired due to being trans, experience, relatively admirable job (definitely beats making hamburgers for unthankful people)
Cons: might have my identity invalidated, have to deal with the humiliation of my mother if I run into her during the day
I know I have more pros than cons but the cons still weigh pretty heavily. I still have another year to think about it, but I think I'll just take it. If it's really that bad I'll just quit.
I'm hoping she will come around between now and when I have to start working but it's not likely. Although at the same time I doubt she'd go out of her way to ridicule me. I think she honestly believes that by throwing in the "or son" after "daughter" and hyphenating my birth name and preferred name she's being supportive. I think she thinks that when she does that we both get what we want because she doesn't have to come to terms with the fact that I'm her son and I also get to hear her use the right name. But that's not how it works. I'd honestly rather her introduce me to people who aren't going to play a significant roll in my life as simply her daughter because that way they take in my appearance and assume I'm just a lesbian rather than having people look at me like I'm a circus freak when my mother basically spells it out to people that I'm trans when it shouldn't even matter in most cases.

[FindingJames]

I have quite strong opinions when it comes to this but my immediate reaction is something like "well, I will show my mom that she can take that sarcasm and shove it up her ass" and I'll show her by proving myself to everyone there that I'm indeed a guy despite being female-born and if my mom thinks otherwise she can go to hell for all I care.

Maybe you'll find some trans/LGBT supporters at your new job?

That first part is my exact mentality 99% of the time but I'm not brave enough to vocalise it lol.

There are 2 lesbian couples just in the little section my mother works in so I know there's no shortage there, but there was still so much tension between them and myself the one time I met all her colleagues. Although...that simply could have been because I was feeling so embarrassed that my mother was going around yelling (well, talking loudly) to the whole office about her "daughter or 'son'" and continuing on to say pretty pretty much every offensive thing in the book. I could be completely over reacting and everything could go just fine if I work there...it's definitely possible that I felt like they felt weird about me when in all actuality it was just me feeling depressed and humiliated at that moment. Meh.

[FindingJames]

Thanks for the input everyone. I think I'm just gonna take it. Who knows, maybe I'll end up loving the job and not run into any problems. And as many of you said, I could always quit if it's really that bad. I'm just hoping my mother will come around and learn to support me within this next year which is going to be a time of lots of change.

[Arch]

From a purely mercenary perspective, I'm drooling over that possible $2-3-per-hour difference.

Let's say that you work thirty hours a week. In one week, the difference between eight and ten bucks an hour is sixty dollars. Multiply that by one year, and you gross an extra three thousand if you are getting ten dollars an hour--$15,000 instead of $12,000. If you work forty hours a week for a year, even better. Your taxes should be low, so you would take a lot of that money home.

If you are still living at home and your expenses are modest (no rent?), then you could have enough for top surgery and still have some left over for a car fund or a move-out fund, whatever you like. In a year and a half, you could have enough for top surgery, a modest used car, and a decent nest egg.

Are you interested in college? Some schools have pretty good trans coverage now.

[Rawb]

I would definitely take it. It might suck, it might not, but you could think of it as a temporary thing, something to put on a resume and someplace decent to get a good reference from, when you apply for a better job.

[FindingJames]

From a purely mercenary perspective, I'm drooling over that possible $2-3-per-hour difference.

Let's say that you work thirty hours a week. In one week, the difference between eight and ten bucks an hour is sixty dollars. Multiply that by one year, and you gross an extra three thousand if you are getting ten dollars an hour--$15,000 instead of $12,000. If you work forty hours a week for a year, even better. Your taxes should be low, so you would take a lot of that money home.

If you are still living at home and your expenses are modest (no rent?), then you could have enough for top surgery and still have some left over for a car fund or a move-out fund, whatever you like. In a year and a half, you could have enough for top surgery, a modest used car, and a decent nest egg.

Are you interested in college? Some schools have pretty good trans coverage now.

Yeah, the extra couple dollars an hour is definitely a big advantage. Like I said, I don't know exactly what I'd be making but I'm guessing somewhere around $10 or $11 because my mother makes $13.10 an hour and she's only one step higher than I would start out at.
I know I would be living at home until after top surgery, so my expenses should be gas, car insurance, and T once I get it prescribed. The rest would go toward top surgery, so I estimated it would take about 2 years to save that up.

I want to go to college but I don't think I'll go until after I have surgery. Some colleges have trans coverage but I know a lot don't. Not to mention I don't want to start college until after I have surgery because I will feel so much more comfortable and will actually be able to concentrate in class. Right now I have trouble concentrating because I always think "oh God people can see my chest through my shirt" and I even have trouble bending over to pick up the pen I dropped because binders freaking suck. I don't want to have to deal with that in college when I have to pay for the classes I take.