[I'm so sorry this is so long, but I really have to get this off my chest.]
Well, I guess I'll start off by saying that I just recently made an account here thanks to a friend who recommended that I find a forum with people I could talk to, so I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong place. I just recently came out to a few of my closest friends as a transgender girl, including my gender fluid girl/boyfriend, all of whom support me. I have only just now have finally accepted myself.
I've had thoughts of wanting to be a girl since kindergarten. These thoughts often happened in dreams or just randomly every once and a while. I used to try and ignore them, but I never forgot. I never really got along too well with guys as a kid. The only connection I could ever really make was video games and talking about girls. I used to play with barbies and other girl toys and I was always envious of how pretty my friends looks in dresses. I know that this doesn't mean that those things are defined as being girly, but as a kid, I was always made fun of for loving the Little Mermaid and wanting to be a Disney princess, so I just pretended I wasn't really interested in all that I hid behind a wall of Pokemon until I found out that it wasn't just a guy thing and I made a lot of great friends because of it, boys and girls.
This is already getting too long... Moving on, when I first got into high school, I joined the drumline and made a lot of cool friends. A lot of guy friends. That was different for me, I was used to having girl friends. I pushed myself to be like them and they all think I'm a cool guy to be around. I don't want to sound like a douche here, but I'm pretty popular thanks to those guys. Not that that even matters. Anyway, I managed to push my inner feelings away for a couple years, but (I shamefully admit) for my first year in high school, I used to go onto forums for teenagers and pretend to be a girl just to see what it was like to be recognized as one, and I really enjoyed it... But now just recently a lot of my friends came out to me as gay, pansexual, asexual, you name it. I have the most sexually diverse group of friends than I ever would imagine. I felt like there was something I needed to tell them too, but I was so conflicted that I couldn't sleep at night and I started having dreams about being a girl again.
I finally decided to look up HRT and how trans women became who they are today and they all looked so happy and said they where finally comfortable with themselves. Then I would see stories of people who waited till their 30s to transition and said they wish they had done it sooner. That scared me. I don't want to live a life of sleepless nights wondering if I could ever truly be happy with myself. I imagined my future as a man and it just made me feel empty inside. I'm turning 18 soon and all anyone can talk about is how I'll be a man, but my heart tells me that I should be a woman.
I've finally come to terms with my real gender, but I'm terrified of telling my parents. My parents are usually very understanding people, but I don't really talk to them as much as I'd like. Maybe it's because I hate how my voice sounds and I can't really look them in the eye with what I've been hiding from them. They think I'm angry all the time, and I guess I am, but more at myself. I'm just unhappy. I want to tell them, but I just don't know where to start. I know HRT is expensive, not to mention laser hair removal, clothes, therapy sessions... They're already helping me go to a really nice art school so I can pursue my dreams and I don't know if I can just dump this on them. I'm already working two jobs to help pay for college and I want to put some away for therapy, but... I just don't know. And I'm terrified that my parents might see me as an embarrassment, if I'm not already...
How did you all cope? I'm genuinely upset about this, and I'm usually rather unmovable. I just really need advice.
