So my wife thinks I am crazy, or having a nervous breakdown, or bipolar, or all of those.. quite a bit of trauma in my life,since early childhood that I've been repressing, apparently... So she asked me to take a Physc test.. She called my therapist and voiced real concerns, I was pretty down a few weeks ago, and I guess the decision to revert to keep my family is a big part of it.. And my therapist wanted me to take it too, to validate some of the abuse I had as a child. Took the test yesterday morning, had a therapy session yesterday afternoon.. Told her, the doc would be sending the results along, but not sure when.
So I go to the phycologist yesterday, to take the MMPI test.. 563 true/false questions.. My advice, if your are really suspected of being over the edge, go ahead, have some fun with it... answer all the questions wrong... Ok, I'm just kidding.. The questions are programmed to ferret out, psychopaths, sociopaths, moderate to severe depression, anxiety, fear of ..the dark, crowds, open spaces, blueberry muffins, clowns, toll plazas, amusement parks, and the accompanying cotton candy, Republicans, census takers, and the color lilac.. (Ok, I made that last one up).. actually quite a few things..
I remember taking it many years ago for an interview, but back then, it had questions like.. I believe we have been visited by aliens... Extraterrestrials walk among us, I have been abducted by aliens... etc.. But I guess they had to remove those questions, because... We -have- been visited, people have been abducted, why else would there have been the MIB movies, right?? (No, I'm not really kidding)
Well, my therapist texts me today, says she has the results and I should meet with her very soon, and more importantly, more often, on a very regular basis, like weekly, or bi-weekly.. to work on my depression and anxiety issues (according to the test). I did tell her in session, that I could not, was not, able to answer the six questions (and this is very hard to even think about, let alone type here) about "I have recently thought of killing myself", "I want to just end it all", "everyone would be better if I was just not around anymore", "I am a burden to those around me".. and a couple more like that. I began to cry each time I came to one of those. Six of those, I just could not answer. And I told her that. If they did not have the word "recently", I might have been able to answer them, and I know, the test is to help providers deal with how to remove the issues that is bothering the one taking the test. Bothering.. me.
My wife said... No, no, I didn't want you to just take a test, I wanted to you talk to the doc to have him assess if I had/was having a breakdown, "for wanting to be a woman". (Like I'm "wanting" a tattoo)
Ok, I don't need the eye rolls please, ik my decision is what's causing both the depression and anxiety, and mom and my sister refusing to say anything other than "just pray it away" , or "snap out of it" isn't helping either. I have one cousin that is a mental health care provider for Mass State, in one of the hospitals... She's totally on my side, but is also the first one to say my sacrificing myself, basically falling on my sword to remain as I was born, for the sake of my family IS nuts! So yeah I get that.
So, my therapist.. she says, I am depressed, and have anxiety.. LOL, Ya think??!!
But she did say,she saw that I was LOTS better in session than I was the few weeks ago in my last one. The HRT is responsible for that, My boobs ache, the left one very sensitive, finally catching up to the growth of the right one. I'm trying to lose a few pounds.. This last 4day trip, I ate horribly, could not be helped..
But if word of this gets out to my boss, or, the licensing authority, I'm doomed. I only get mopey in the hotel room, but being able to dress, just in the room, helps a lot, helps me cope.
Oh, I had my eye doctor checkup today, picked really nice fem frames for my glasses. (Think Clark Kent for my old ones). My wife is gonna have puppies when she sees them tho. I better not show her the Anne Klein sunglasses I picked too.
Sorry for venting, but the results, not really what I wanted to hear (but honestly, am not totally shocked or surprised). So, every other week for therapy, for both, gender, and.. well.. the abuse.. it's gonna get expensive now.. (Sigh) guess the laser will have to wait longer.
And yes, even reverting/regressing, I would have still done laser to not have to shave again. Just imagine the time saved each and every morning, not having to do that anymore, in the mirror, or in the car.
"Jus' gettin' depressed, talkin' 'bout bein' depressed... an' that's just even more depressin'.. "
