Is it healthy for the trans person to live an assigned gender?

[Jayne]

If anyone uses the argument that transitioning is a choice then I agree & respond with: I reached the point where I was consumed with the urge to kill myself rather than continue pretending to be male so I "chose" life instead of death, not much of a choice is it?

I started HRT about 8 months ago after fighting the NHS for almost 3yrs for treatment, before that i'd been battling depression on & off for most of my life. I'd been on sleeping tablets & happy pills for most of those 3yrs, a few weeks ago I stopped taking the happy pills & I've never felt happier in my life so I guess i'd made the right "choice" to embrace life as a woman rather than death as a man.

[Rachel]

In a short answer, no.

I too had some unbelievable physical and mental changes on HRT. I too had arthritis in one knee and in some hand joints which is all gone. The bubbling anger is gone and I smile. I feel so limber. My A1C has been 5.2 for 1 year and my PA said I no longer have diabetes ( I gained 12 pounds on HRT over the year).

I added progesterone a month ago and I was told I would only notice some breast increase in size. I think progesterone is the icing on the cake. I think my memory is a bit better and I am a higher level of happy. I even feel like dancing and singing sometimes. I think I can make decisions even better now.

My dysphoria is still the same though (with adding P)

[Carrie Liz]

I don't believe it's healthy or ethical.

Yes, I could have survived as my birth gender. But my brain seriously wasn't wired to have testosterone in it. Pretty much every single day since I was 13, I've dealt with body aversion, hating the body hair, hating the male shape, hating the muscles, hating the way my emotions worked (or more accurately didn't work,) constantly fighting against my sex drive, and constantly fighting against my feminine desires and being ashamed of them.

Yes, I survived. I'm a big tough girl. But living as someone with no sense of self-esteem because I hated my body so much, and constantly having to fight against my own reflection and the way that my mind worked, was seriously not fun.

I lived. But at the same time, I had no friends, I'd basically forgotten how to talk to people, I barely made it through school at all despite having enormous academic potential, and I felt like I was living my life in a perpetual state of dull grey dreary melancholy. HRT allowed me to see the full colors of the rainbow again, for the first time since I was 12 years old.

So no, I'd say it's not healthy. Yes you can survive. But you very well might just be watching your life, and your chance at feeling happy and normal, slowly slip by. And I'm still tortured by all those years that I wasted being miserable.

[Jessica Merriman]

I lived. But at the same time, I had no friends, I'd basically forgotten how to talk to people, I barely made it through school at all despite having enormous academic potential, and I felt like I was living my life in a perpetual state of dull grey dreary melancholy. HRT allowed me to see the full colors of the rainbow again, for the first time since I was 12 years old..

OMG! This totally. Are you my twin sister?

[stephaniec]

OMG! This totally. Are you my twin sister?

I think maybe we were a set of trilets

[Allyda]

Thank you Jess, I was actually a bit hurt by SciNerdGirl's comments. While I respect her's and everyone else's opinion, Had I not started my full transition when I did just after Christmas last year I'd be dead. I'm quite sure the third time would have been a charm meaning, my 3rd suicide attempt successful because I live alone, and at the time no one would have been checking on me to see if I was Okay.

Since I've began hrt/full transition, all suicidal thoughts are gone, my dysphoria has been lowered considerably and only crops up to seriousness when I use the bathroom and must deal with that awful repulsive discusting thing that shouldn't be there, and this coming December I'll be having my SRS so even that is being dealt with, and knowing it will be gone then calms my bathroom dysphoria considerably. I'm in general a much happier, and cheerful person compared to who I was pre transition, my overall health has improved as has been the case with others here, I feel 30 years younger and wake up each morning looking forward to each and every day no matter how challenging my obligations may be. And as I now see a beautiful woman staring back at me in the mirror each night as I wash my makeup off, I go to bed with happy thoughts and a smile.

So in essence, my life has turned a 180 from certain doom toward lifelong happiness. For me there wasn't any choice. And my being intersexed prevented me from living in an "assigned gender," for I was assigned both.

Ally

[Lady_Oracle]

No its not! Like so many that have posted already it was mentally crippling. On top of that I also had severe back pain and pain in my hips that would never go away. Just a few weeks on estrogen fixed all of that pain I had for so many years. Testosterone was undoubtedly wrong for my body.

[Adam (birkin)]

I eventually decided to transition to male, so I don't know how I could comment for the long term.

But I have thought about this a lot - what if, for whatever reason, I couldn't transition? What would the rest of my life as female look like? I can remember the last 4 years of living as female particularly well, because that's when my coping mechanisms were extremely obvious. I was able to live as female as long as I was continuously on guard with regards to the persona I created. I really clung to my anger and my hostility, and frequently made myself seem off-putting to others. I think I did that because I didn't want anyone to ever question me or question the face I put forward. I never, under any circumstances, wanted anyone to think I gave a s*.

So would it have been healthy to accept that as my gender and live out my life that way? Probably not, I imagine my disagreeableness would have gotten me seriously hurt, for one. For another, holding on to that kind of anger and resentment on a regular basis is just not healthy at all. I would have been functional...I'm sure I could have been successful, had (non-sexual) relationships, etc, but I don't think you could have called me someone who was healthy or happy, no.

[helen2010]

I can't see how it can be healthy to choose to remain severely discomfited by dysphoria.  It may be a question of the degree of dysphoria and may be influenced or governed by circumstance, but for me, some form of transition, non binary or binary seems inevitable and indeed absolutely necessary.  Some folk may be able to live in a high state of distress and discomfort.  It is not something that I could sustain, although I did try to do this for a very long time.  Survival is a primary driver.  Transition and change were a path I needed to take.  The other option took me to a place I could not countenance. 

Aisla

[Suziack]

All I can say is pre transition:
Blood pressure 180/112
Pulse 118
Blood sugar >400
...
After 10 months of transition and HRT:
Blood pressure 118/76
Pulse <86
Blood sugar <140
...

Well, I don't see "weight" in there, anywhere. Are you sure it didn't have something to do with losing weight?

[Suziack]

I have a couple of things to say on this issue.

First, I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  Gender is not a choice, but transition IS a choice!  Each individual can choose how to live their lives, and are free to decide whether or not to transition regardless of their missmatch between their biology and gender identity.

Of course! If there wasn't freedom of choice, no one would ever be able to choose to transition, or not transition!

For some of us the choice to transition would be catastrophic to our lives.  While it is true that choosing to live our lives based on our biology rather than our gender identity can cause significant discomfort, the complete destruction of a comfortable life that has taken decades to make, and one where other people are also dependent on us, would cause much much more discomfort than not transitioning.

I'd bet a lot of people can relate to this, and I've seen them post to this site many times. Being heavily invested in a family seems to be the primary motivator.

Also, you need to be extremely careful when comparing quantitative things like blood pressure before and after transition since the primary anti-androgen (spiro) is basically blood pressure medication. 

Yes, and not including spiro or any other metabolic-altering medication would skew the comparisons - anyone would know that.


Just my $0.02

J.

More than that - much more!

[SciNerdGirl]

I do not appreciate this judgment leveled at this community. Do you honestly think we would transition if there was any other way around it? Transition is not a choice to the majority of our members here.

--------

Obviously your Dysphoria is mild and I am very happy for you on that. Not everyone has the luxury of not transitioning though. Please do not judge those that do.

Goodness No!! My comments were not meant to be hurtful or judgemental.  If my statemens were taken that way, I am truely sorry. 

You obviously did not choose to be transgendered.  I am certain that is just how you are (and how I am for that matter). I am merely saying that you have chosen to transition.  You have made a choice to come out to you family, undergo medical intervention and make your biology match your true gender.  That was obviously the right choice for you.  I'm sure you are happier and healthier because of it.  But it was a choice!!

What is the alternative? Suicide.  I hear that word a lot around here, and from a purely practical point of view (and please, please, please do not take this the wrong way) that is a choice too.  And it is ALWAYS a bad choice.  So if someone is left with a choice between transition and suicide, I beg you to choose transition.  No one should ever judge someone for choosing to transition when the only alternative is death.  I certainly am not!

However, if the choice is between the difficult life of transitioning, and the difficult life of not transitioning. Don't you dare judge me for choosing the later.

I am a transgendered woman who chooses not to transition.  What does that mean for me:

You say that my dysphoria is obviously mild. Who are you to judge that!!!

-I think about suicide every day
-I drink way too much and have acquired a taste for narcotic pain killers
-I have high blood pressure
-I am on medication for anxiety and depression
-I have spent most of my adult life hating myself
-The only time that I am truely happy is when I am dressed as a girl in private

That doesn't sound very mild to me.  In truth, it is pretty darned rough.

But, I also have a high paying job in a very conservative company, which would disappear if I decided to transition.  I have a wife and son who I love very much, and more importantly are completely dependent on me financially.  The truth is it would be better for them if I died in an accident (I have a lot of life insurance) than if I were to transition.  I pray for that accident every day. 

So please do not take my comments as judgement, and please do not judge me for the choice that I have made.

J.

[helen2010]

Janet

Is there anything that you could or might do to make your life more bearable or is there a fear that anything that that you may try would lead you into an untenable situation or crisis?

Do you speak with a gender therapist or are you carrying this burden alone?  Have you considered even slightly altering your grooming or presentation outside of work as it could help provide some relief?  Alternatively, would joining a support group or speaking to an endo re therapy such as low dose hrt be something which you would consider - it shut down my dysphoria and gave me the quiet I needed to understand my identity, my options and my choices? 

Many of us in the non binary forum wrestle with fluidity or an identity which does completely match our  birth gender so there could be other approaches that may also work.  Another thought may involve a longer term determination and plan  to change profession, company or location which may lead to a more trans friendly and less oppressive situation.

I do not believe that anyone of us can truly understand another's situation.  We may think that our narratives are similar or that a narrative is familiar but until you have walked in their shoes, with their history, their relationships, their socialisation etc., until you are them it is indeed impossible.

I felt desperate, broken and defective for most of my life.  Fortunately I got to a point of desperation at a time and in a place where I could find solutions and support.  It hasn't been easy, even as a non binary.  Changes may cue others but if gradual and you understand yourself and can share this with key partners or friends there is hope and there is a much better life.

The folk you obviously care so much about would be devastated if they knew the road on which you are traveling.  A human life, your human life is precious.  I truly hope that you can find a better way forward without the use of alcohol or medication.  If you can't find local help or support, PM me any time if you need to talk.  You should not feel alone or be dealing with this by yourself.

Be safe and travel well

Aisla

[helen2010]

Suziack

I understand your POV and indeed it is valid.  How any of us live our life always involves choices.  However for many our choice is clear, the other choice is untenable.  Some can deal with enormous stress and dysphoria, others cannot.  Others can access support and therapy that provide enough support so that they are comfortable with their current situation.  Others need non binary transition and there are many for whom a binary choice is the right choice for them.

Our lives are precious.  We are the author.  Conscious, kind and respectful choices informed by experts, therapists, teachers, guides and self will help us make the best decisions for us.  Smaller steps may help but for others a significant step may be the best approach.

For each of us we select our path and we experience the consequence, both good and bad.  Yes it impacts others but we are empowered and able to make the best choice and to live with and to celebrate our growth and authenticity.

Safe travels

Aisla