Losing it

[RockerGirl]

Not doing to well right now and need to vent! My job sucks, doesn't pay enough for me to go to therapy right now like I really really know I need. Can't talk to anyone cuz I'm not out. My days right now are waking up hating everything, going to work hating that. Trying to make it to the afternoon, taking an oxycontin because its the only thing that will make me feel halfway good and get me through the rest of the day without going completely mental. Then going home and going running to try and tire myself out so my brain shuts up. That doesn't always work so then I start drinking to get to sleep and do it all again. I don't know how much more I can do of this. The only thing thats keeping me going is the hope I can get a job that I just applied for that pays way more so I can get to therapy. And the fact that I'm just too damn stubborn to give up and go the suicide route. I don't want to be around anyone, even my family cuz they just unknowingly trigger my dysphoria. Even hearing my first name right now causes me to shudder. At least at work everyone uses a joke version of my last name, but when they do use my first name its like getting punched in the back of the head. Its just a horrible reminder. I just broke down and started crying for the first time in forever. I can't remember the last time I cried, I really can't. I know most of you have been through so much worse, but I just can't keep it inside anymore. I have to say it somewhere to someone, and this is the only place I have right now to be me.

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Hi Abigail!

I've been where you are, it really doesn't get much worse. I always felt I was too stubborn to kill myself. It was only when I came out and dealt with being trans that I realized how very close I had been. If that gets tempting, there are help lines. And there is us. And you can always PM me. Do not hurt yourself, my dear sister. You matter.

I don't know where you live, but there are some free therapy groups in certain places. I know of a few in Chicago. It's not as good as a one-on-one but it's miles better than toughing it out alone.

I looked up your old posts (how I found your name) and see that you are a veteran. Have you tried going to the VA to see a therapist? Mine's been great (even if the rest of it has been a bit of a fight). If you're not disabled officially, they can still prorate the bills for someone with a low income. By the way, depression can be a cause of disability. If nothing else, talk to a shrink about that so you can get it documented.

You will always have us here to vent to no matter what other methods you try. We're not going to give up on you. You're never really alone, we're with you.

[Jessica Merriman]

Claire has some great suggestions. Also if you are near a Major College or University see if they have a Psychology Department. I found my Therapist at Oklahoma State University and it is only $10.00 a session for me. You do not have to be a student and they can issue letters for HRT and SRS. 

[Bombadil]

I am sorry it's so hard right now. Claire had some good suggestions. And here is a place where you can vent and be yourself. Don't compare yourself and think others had it harder. Everybody's pain is valid and it sounds like things are plenty hard. Keep talking.

[RockerGirl]

Thank you Claire, Jessica, and Christopher for replying to me. Thank you for the ideas, I'll have to check out to see if there is one near the university here because we do have a major university in my town. I guess it just feels like the girl will never get out, and I'm just done fighting to keep her inside. I hate having to act like a guy! I hate pretending!:-(

[mrs izzy]

At the moment the VA will do everything for GD veterans except GCR but that is about to change. I would contact your local VA health office.

Isabell.