Feeling like myself today

[rfhaas]

I'm feeling pretty relaxed and fem today. I think I'm starting to really come to terms with who I truly am. I guess I've known since I was 5 but all of the years of pretending and overcompensating have done a number on me. I'm grateful right now that I a feel OK sitting here kind of passive /feminine and don't have my guilty voice telling me to man up. I feel like I want to cry with gratitude. First appt with a true gender therapist tomorrow.  So much to work through, but I feel like if I take this one step at a time I can do this.

[Foxglove]

I'm feeling pretty relaxed and fem today. I think I'm starting to really come to terms with who I truly am.

I know the feeling: "coming to terms with who I really am." For me, it's a gradual and still on-going process.  Having been in the closet for so long and then suddenly coming out has left me confused in a sense.  I don't really know who I am.  When people treat me like a woman, in a way it confuses me further.  But in a way it's also very, very nice and helps me get used to the idea that I'm not what I was pretending to be for so long.

I'm grateful right now that I a feel OK sitting here kind of passive /feminine and don't have my guilty voice telling me to man up. I feel like I want to cry with gratitude.

Funny you should say this.  It's one thing I've been feeling lately: gratitude.  I'm grateful I've had the chance to get out in the world at last and be myself.  What I can't figure out is who I should be grateful to.  To myself?  To my friends, trans and cis, who've given me so much support?  Somehow I get the feeling that I'm grateful to life for having given me this opportunity to be myself.  But that's a bit weird since it was life that made me what I am and also filled the world with so many people who hate what I am.  It's just a part of being me: always confused.  But better to be confused and happy than to be what I was before.