What if this is as good as it gets?

[Edge]

I've been on T for nine months and I still can't pass. I know it takes about two years (I think?) for all the changes to happen, but it's hard to be positive about it on days when people look at me and I know they see someone female and/or on days when I can't ignore the fact that my body is female shaped.
What if this is it? What if this is as masculine as I get?
What if it doesn't matter how much weight I lose or how much I build up my shoulders, I'll always be very obviously female shaped?
What if my waist will always be shaped like this ) (?
What if I can never grow facial hair?
What if my arms will always be girly skinny?
What if my face always looks so f-ing feminine?
How can I make it through the next few years unable to fix my chest because it's so expensive and this province is stupid?
What if I can never be taken seriously as who I am?

[Jill F]

Sorry to jump the fence here, but our worries and concerns are not so different coming from the other direction.  I always just tell myself that even if this is as good as it gets, it's still infinitely better than where I was before.

But TBH, only 9 months or so of T for me pretty much did jack sh*t.  It really took 2-3 years before I saw anything besides peach fuzz on mah face or could start to put on muscle.  In fact, I couldn't grow a proper 'stache until I was over 30.

[Edge]

Right. Patience. I have to learn to be patient. Thanks, Jill.

[Ryan55]

i think its like up to 5 years we will keep having changes on T, I got this packet from my doctor all about T and there is a timeline thing on when to expect changes, although it varies by person, but I remember seeing some changes taking up to 5 years to really see. Do you have a pic of yourself you can show? Might be able to calm your nerves, a lot of the time we are our worse critics, I always see female still when I look in the mirror too, but others don't.

[Jill F]

i think its like up to 5 years we will keep having changes on T, I got this packet from my doctor all about T and there is a timeline thing on when to expect changes, although it varies by person, but I remember seeing some changes taking up to 5 years to really see. Do you have a pic of yourself you can show? Might be able to calm your nerves, a lot of the time we are our worse critics, I always see female still when I look in the mirror too, but others don't.

Ryan, will you trade mirrors with me then?   
 
Seriously, you look 100% dude in your avatar to me.

[sad panda]

Hey edge this might be obv but how are your levels??

Dw, T should do it. It's very unlikely to be unable to ever pass as a guy in the long run, no matter what your bone structure is like. Also gaining muscle would definitely reduce the appearance of a waist! It's hard but hang in there!!

[Adam (birkin)]

Honestly Victor, you sound EXACTLY like me at 9 months on T. I asked myself all the same questions. Never passed at all, changes were few and far between, wondering if it would always be like this...

It took a few months longer but I DID start passing, and now I do all the time! And the changes are coming and are much more pronounced than they ever were 9 months in. Some of us just take longer than others. This is absolutely not the be all and end all of what T will do for you.

[Edge]

Thanks, Ryan, sad panda, and Caleb. I'm sorry I'm being all whiny about this. I just got hit really hard with dysphoria and the "what if" thing.

Do you have a pic of yourself you can show? Might be able to calm your nerves, a lot of the time we are our worse critics, I always see female still when I look in the mirror too, but others don't.

Unfortunately, sharing my picture on here does nothing to ease my nerves because everyone insists that I look male whereas, in real life, almost everyone knows just from seeing me that my body is female. It really f-ing sucks.

[Hex]

You'll get there man. Trust me, I'm an impatient lil brat but chanting that it'll come one day and then I'll never have to worry really about it again seems to help on my low days. Just gotta keep reminding yourself you aren't the first one, your time will come and one day you'll wake up and you won't see much if any of your old self left and everyone around you will notice too and from then on it's smooth sailing.

[mrs izzy]

Also sorry to jump on you all mens side of the forum.

My husband has been on T since 2005 and still is seeing changes since he has had is hysto.

Puberty is a very long progress and same on this side many push for changes faster then there bodies will give.

I feel knowing a few men that you will in time get to where you will pass just fine.

Isabell

Hops back over fence.

[Edge]

Thanks, Hex and Isabell.

By the way, ladies, don't worry about jumping over here and posting. I can't speak for the other guys, but all useful comments are useful.

[KamTheMan]

Do you workout? It'll make some body changes come quicker and help get your mind off of things.

[Edge]

I'm starting to. I need to figure out a schedule and stick to it as well as figure out what exercises I should do and how many/long.

[Jessica Merriman]

Seriously, you look 100% dude in your avatar to me.

Doesn't he! 

[awilliams1701]

Before I realized I was trans I used to ask myself some of these questions. I don't have a lot of body hair. I can't grow a full beard, but I can get a mustache. I've been called feminine. I never took it as an insult, but maybe that was the girl inside of me hiding.

I've been on T for nine months and I still can't pass. I know it takes about two years (I think?) for all the changes to happen, but it's hard to be positive about it on days when people look at me and I know they see someone female and/or on days when I can't ignore the fact that my body is female shaped.
What if this is it? What if this is as masculine as I get?
What if it doesn't matter how much weight I lose or how much I build up my shoulders, I'll always be very obviously female shaped?
What if my waist will always be shaped like this ) (?
What if I can never grow facial hair?
What if my arms will always be girly skinny?
What if my face always looks so f-ing feminine?
How can I make it through the next few years unable to fix my chest because it's so expensive and this province is stupid?
What if I can never be taken seriously as who I am?

[mrs izzy]

Doesn't he! 

[aross1015]

You'll get there, trust me.  Puberty takes longer than two years.  I'm coming up on 4 years on T and am still seeing changes.  You just have to be patient, no matter how hard that is, especially early in transition, it will change. 

[Mr.X]

Wow, I could have written this post, except I'm a little over a year on T. I also worry if this is as good as it gets. Perhaps our expectations were too high when we started and we have to get more realistic? It's hard to tell. But I do take comfort in hearing that this process will take years, so there's hope!

[Sebryn]

Yes give it time. Maybe change hair cuts as you progress? I am just now fully passing 100% of the time after 2 years on T (full/stabilized dose). Also remember that if your doctor and you have been changing the dose that effects the timeline of your changes as well. I started on a low dose and worked my way up to my full dose. It's been 2.5 years since my first T shot.

A lot of my issues with passing come from working around teens though since I'm very short and look very young to be a teacher. I get mistaken for a student all the time lol.

Give it time guys. Weight lifting helps a ton. Push ups and crunches/sit ups as well. Try eating healthier diets as well if you aren't already. A healthier body seems to make better use of the T in my case since I was having health issues a year ago and after they were resolved I saw a pick up in the changes that were happening.

And actually T is constantly making little changes. No one knows for sure when it "completes" since there is no study on the matter. Those charts are just working with known data. Like someone else said, it's basically puberty.

[Ryan55]

Do you workout? It'll make some body changes come quicker and help get your mind off of things.

this is actually a good idea, working out always makes me feel better about myself and makes me feel "manlier" lol maybe cause I feel like I can try and make a change with gaining muscle and my overall well being just feels better after. I think working out, can also help boost your testosterone level, not to sure on how truthful this is, but it does something to you lol