My parents are "making progress"...?

[lavini557]

I think my parents are making progress to understanding me, but I still feel as though there is no progress based on what they say.

My parents have told me that they don't want me to get hormones and surgery, and I understand why. There are some dangers to taking hormones and doing surgery. However, I also feel like they have another reason: they refuse to let go of their "son".

They've told me, "We're okay with you thinking that you are a girl, and we can accept that...but we don't want you to change using hormones or surgery. We like you just the way you are." To me, this just translates as, "We want you to stay this way because we like you this way, but if you want to play pretend, we'll play along (or pretend to)." Whenever I say that I wish I could go on hormones, my mother keeps saying, "Can't you just PRETEND that you have a girl body? It's easy - you just need to change your mindset. It's a problem with your brain, after all, not with your body."

*facepalm*

I feel as though they're pretending to understand, when they really do not understand at all. I don't think they want me to transition medically, and they can't accept me if I do transition medically. They have told me, "If you medically transition, we don't want to be associate with you anymore. Why? Because it's painful for us."

When they say, "You can pretend to be a girl, but don't transition medically please," , it's a "compromise" where they get what they want (still thinking of me as their "son") while pretending to tend to my needs (which they are not doing at all).

Then again...I didn't expect anything anyway.

However, I was thinking about this...and I thought that maybe this is part of the Kubler-Ross model (DABDA). I mean, they've straight up denied my gender dysphoria before this, and I guess I could say they were angry about this. I know this isn't death, but...I guess my transition is like the loss of their "son" who they thought existed? Maybe they are really just bargaining with me to try to get their son back...or maybe this is just me trying to be optimistic as possible.

In the meantime, I'm trying to live my life...sort of. All I seem to want to do is be a mindless zombie of sorts and just browse the internet (particularly Youtube) and see where the internet will take me. I want to pursue my interests and improve on skills that need improving and get on with life, but my dysphoria isn't helping. It makes me not want to do anything...period. I don't even want to wake up, and I'm never excited for a new day and looking forward to much. *sigh* I don't know what to do about that at the moment...

Sorry if this seemed like some mindless, unorganized rant. I just wanted to get this out somewhere, and maybe get some help with my life...and possibly to convince my parents that hormones and surgery have their good sides, too. (My mother is against hormones because she knows a cisgender woman who had to get estrogen because of a problem with her ovaries or something, and she feels agonizing pain when she started taking estrogen. Both my parents are also against using medical stuff to alter one's physical form is absolutely wrong if the person looks "normal".)

[Edge]

Get hormones and surgery anyway. If you're not old enough to do that on your own yet, make plans to when you can. It's your life to live, not your parents. If they think it's more painful to associate with a happier you than not associate with you at all, they need to get their priorities straight.

[Blue Senpai]

It can be worse. Since I came out, my mother is making no effort to understand me and would rather not talk about it. I tried to ask her opinion about names but she just kept staring at her iPhone, texting, not even looking remotely interested in my journey. I'm guessing she's hoping this transgender issue will go away but, I can assure you, it will be getting more transparent from here on out. I'm getting hormones anyways, I'm doing living up to people's expectations to keep them happy at the expense of my own happiness. I've tried it for a while and it's taking a toll on my mood, academics and life. Living by someone else's rules left me feeling resentful, unhappy and withdrawn.

In any case, if I were you, I would print out resources and articles on this. If your parents' first language is not English, it would be a huge plus if you could translate the text into their native language so they can get better understanding. Additionally, if possible, buy some books that will educate your mother on this issue better and show her that she's not alone. "Beyond Magenta" is a good book on this since it gives insight into transgender teens and talks about their journey, including how their parents handled the situation. It may look bleak right now but remember that it's PROGRESS. Very rarely is there a family that instantly gets 100% on board with their child's struggle to transition due to lack of information since transgender people isn't as common as, say, gay, bi or lesbian people. Good luck and I hope this helps you!

[h3llsb3lls]

I was lucky, in that my parents were very understanding (almost in a duh kind of way) but I was prepared for battle. I did research on transitioning, detransitioning, surgery, hormones, groups, and therapists. I decided that I wanted to have every angle covered so they could take me seriously. They may be making progress, they may not. Ask for therapy if you aren't already in it, and see if your therapist won't agree to a family session so that they can understand that this isn't "in your head". If you aren't old enough to take steps on your own, then take whatever you can for the time being and know this is a temporary situation that could change any time. A pronoun change, the ability to dress, being called by your preferred name, these are all big steps for your pants that could open them up to seeing who you really are.

[lavini557]

I was planning to get hormones and surgery without them, anyway. I'm just trying to give them a chance so that my parents can get a chance to love the actual me - not the "son" they think exists.

However...they seem to refuse to be educated. Period.

They seem to think that people who transition are absolutely crazy and are "setting themselves up for disaster" because they are pumping hormones and altering their "normal bodies". Heck, my parents asked me why transitioning wasn't illegal - they think that people who are involved in the medical transition of transgenders are just in it for the money. We did go to a therapist (not a gender therapist, though), and she told my parents, "I do think your child might be transgender. Would you like me to recommend you to an endocrinologist I know?" What was my parents' reaction? "OH SH** THIS LADY IS AFTER OUR MONEY AND WANTS TO DESTROY OUR CHILD. WE BETTER NOT MEET HER EVER AGAIN."

Also, my parents seem to be insanely pessimistic about my transition. They say that I "will never pass" (because I have big hands and feet, small hips, and all other things most cissexual girls don't have) and that I'll be an "in-between" (no matter how many times I explain it to them, they don't get the difference between sex and gender...*sigh*). They keep saying about how I'll only look pretty for, like, 5 years, and I'll end up looking older than I actually am after that (they even made the extreme claim that when I'm 30 and they're about 60, I'll look OLDER than them...). They say that to others, I will "never look like a girl".

Just...no. I honestly want them to STFU about the crap they spit out. I know there can be risks to hormones and surgery, but there's risks to everything. For example, why do my parents drive when they could potentially get into a car accident? Well, it's because other ways of transportation isn't convenient for them as driving a car. They COULD just not drive and, I don't know, take the bus or something. However, they choose convenience over risk of injury/death because they like the convenience, despite all the risks involved in said convenience. Transitioning also has risks too, such as medical problems. However, I want to transition because I am sick of having to painfully go through the day and feeling like crap every single day of my life because I don't feel like me.

Unfortunately, my parents don't get the point and say that this point is stupid and irrelevant to what I'm talking about.

My comparison above might not be good to my parents, but their judgments are very questionable. Why is it that a therapist who thinks I should transition is automatically evil, while a Christian therapist who thinks I should not transition is automatically correct? (FYI: I did not see the Christian therapist. I'm personally not religious in the first place, even though my parents are. There is also the fact that the youth pastor of my church was counseled by him, and my pastor is a dick to anything LGBT. I don't want to know how much of a dick this Christian therapist is to LGBT.) Why are you so intent on keeping me as a male? Why do you refuse to do unbiased research about transgender? All my parents seem to look up are how transgenders do sexual things or dance to make a living and how ugly and humiliating transgenders look to them (at least, this is the impression I get from them based on what they tell me).

Heck, my parents even say outright to my face, "I don't WANT to know anything about this trans bullsh**." They don't want to read this book (well, a photocopy of a book, to be exact) that I got from my counselor. They don't want to watch videos about transgenders, saying "We don't have time" as they laugh away at something that someone said on a Korean drama. I mean, I know English isn't their first language (we're Korean, by the way), but I feel as though they don't even want to try. I could try translating the book (and other books I come across as useful) to Korean and give it to them, but I don't think that will work, either.

Simply put, the only answer they want is that I don't transition. Why? Because to them, this is a mental problem that needs mental treatment, not some physical treatment. My dad blames my depression on how much I stay closed up in my room all day, when it is really because of my gender dysphoria, and how it's hard to not see a female, whether it be outside or online on some ad or on video, and feel jealous and absolute crap because they don't have to take sh** from anyone about whether they are really female.

I've honestly felt like I've given up on them...yet I wonder why I keep trying. *sigh*

Sorry if this post has terrible grammar, spelling mistakes, or uncomfortable amounts of foul language. Mainly it's because I feel like crap because of my parents, but it's also because a random girl I don't even know came up to me and said, "You have an Adam's Apple!" Yes society - slap me in the face and "snap me back into reality" like my parents want me to do. I totally needed that. (I know that she could have said this for many reasons, such as being fascinated that males develop an Adam's Apple during puberty, which is kind of what it sounded like based on her tone, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like absolute sh**)

[h3llsb3lls]

I'm sorry they are being so closed minded about it. It's really difficult when other people's selfishness gets in the way of our general well being. Keep your head up, it's tough, it sucks, and this is a down right crappy situation, but it will get better.

[Blue Senpai]

My parents are sorta acting the same way and we're Spanish. To keep them at ease, suggest getting a second opinion from a therapist or a doctor because they seem to be one of those people who won't believe anything other than a professional opinion. Research on who you choose though since these professionals can be transphobic too and can distort your family's perception.

[lavini557]

I would really like them to hear other professional's opinions, though. They really don't give a sh** about my opinions, anyway. However, they are ignorant as f*** when I try to get them to see someone else. They feel as though all I'm trying to prove to them that I do have gender dysphoria (which is true), but in a way that has confirmation bias. For example, when my pastor asked his Christian counselor about what my parents should do (because my pastor knows about this issue), and the Christian counselor says I should wait until I'm 18. I told my parents that the Christian counselor was bullsh**, and my parents accuse me of confirmation bias and bigotry because they think I only accept evidence from people who agree with me and I didn't accept the Christian counselor's advice because I wasn't Christian.

I get what they're saying, but I am rejecting the Christian counselor's "advice" for a good reason - because I feel as though it is really horrible advice. In fact, I feel as though my parents are the ones with a confirmation bias. They say that anyone who agrees with me (a counselor I met at school and a therapist we went to) are just agreeing with me because they don't give a sh** about me and don't really "love" me as much as they do. However, after hearing what the Christian counselor said, they were like, "Oh, see? We are right! There's someone who actually agrees with us! It's 4 (my parents, the Christian counselor, and the pastor) vs 1 (me), so you're wrong!"

I really want them to see another professional (I actually wanted to see her first before we went to see the therapist, but my mom wanted me to see someone from a place that someone else other than me. This person was our pediatrician, who is probably a quack, as he keeps telling my parents that I will "grow out of this phase" and my parents need to keep anything trans-related out of my sight so that I can "grow out of it" faster. *sigh*), but they refuse to. They want to keep to their own little world, where they have 2 obedient sons (I have an older brother) who they "love so very much".

Yes, my "wonderful" parents. Keep living in your La-la Land while I have to live through this sh** for 3 years for absolutely no reason. Well, except for my parents' irrational fear and their stupid ignorance.

[Aina]

Well I can tell you right now "pretending" (I use the term lightly....) only goes so far. Take is from someone who presented as a female for 9+ years on a video game as an escape or a way to deal with it, but to only end up really struggling with their feelings at the great age of 30....waa so much time lost and I am still loly gagging (this is a word right?).

Once you turn 18, you can do what you want and honestly...I wish I was brave enough when I was 18 or heck my early to mid 20's to tackle the dysphoria beast...but enough negativity! 

Your still very young and way stronger and braver then you know, you'll make it to the end just keep at it!

[lavini557]

Hopefully, I do make it until I'm 18 with as little suffering as possible. Unfortunately, my family isn't making it easier. My parents keep saying about how they don't like how I'm acting. They don't like my expression or my attitude around. I don't blame them, but what makes me really mad is that they don't do sh** about it. They're just like, "Oh, he'll get over it. It's just a phase. He's just being a selfish, arrogant bastard who is spoiled enough by good food and a roof over his head that he thinks he can get anything he wants by asking for it. He doesn't even know the pain of what kids in Africa feel from not being able to eat because he's always so well-fed. Should we try to starve him so that he can learn of this pain, stop asking for stupid bullsh** like this, and maybe...oh, I don't know, start studying for the SAT or something like a good kid?"

Like...WTF. Just no. Maybe I should be glad that they haven't actually starved me, but...seriously?

Another thing...my parents keep comparing transition to a knife. If they let me transition, it's the same as giving a baby a knife because he wants it. I know what they're getting at (both could inflict pain to baby/me), but it's not a very good comparison. At least, I don't think so - my parents are absolutely fine with it.

I have also lost all respect for my brother. Recently, he decided to talk to me so that he can try to convince me out of wanting to transition, saying things like how I'll "never pass", I'll be an "in-between", I'll be "laughed at and humiliated for life", and other crap my parents have been spouting at me.

However, two things he said really ticked me off. He kept asking me, "How do you know you're a girl? Your body is of a guy, so you're a guy!" My reply was that I knew the same way anyone else would know their gender without looking at any physical part of themselves. They just...kind of do. Well, my brother decided to be a jerk and say, "Well, EVERYONE knows their gender by their body. For example, I have a dick; therefore, I am a boy. Mom has a vagina; therefore, she is a woman. You have a dick; therefore, you are a boy."

<insert facepalm>

Not only that, but he says, "You can also use your sexual orientation. For example, I like girls; therefore, I am a guy. Mom likes men; therefore, she is a woman. Do you like men or women?"

<insert facepalm that goes through my face>

...I was done. So done. I literally just said, "F*** you," and went to my room as my brother tried to kick me. Fortunately, I locked the door until he calmed down. He still didn't seem very happy after I came out of my room, though. Neither did my parents (who tried to use him).

Too bad for them.

Edit: By the way, lollygagging is a word: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lollygag

[Joanna Dark]

Well, it sucks that they'e not on your side but when did you come out to them? Also, I'm guessing you're under 16 as well, so they may think it is just a phase. Not trying to knock you or upset you just trying to help you see it from their side. A lot of times it takes time for people to process this kind of news. You're very young and have plenty of time and even if they were completely supportive, unless they are also very rich, you can't get blockers if you're in the USA. They run up to and around $18,000 a year or something ridiculous, and insurance most likely would not cover them. I would use this time to formulate a plan, get a job when you're 16, save money, move out when you're 18, and then transition. Enjoy being a kid. You're only one once and when you're older and 30ish like me, you'll ong for the carefree days of summer. Give them time and try not to talk about it a lot. In fact, I would give it a break with them for a bit and just step back and regroup. There is nothign you can do now anyway, so why ruin you're summer. You know yourself. There's no need to talk to them about it anymore as they are nto going to change now. I would wait at least six months before bringing it up again or just start acting like yourself, if you put on a front. Just be yourself and everything will fall into place. This is cliche but it does get better, I promise.

[Ali]

sorry that your parents are not accepting the fact that gender is not just black and white, and there are a lot of genders beside what society choose to adapt thousands of years ago. Gender studies suggest that gender identity is to do with your brain chemistry not your body parts, so someone who is gender dysphoric has only one option which is to change the body to suit the gender he/she believes they are . in another word to make the body be an harmony with brain's chemistry. since till today have no way altering someone's brain, thoughts, or believes, and thats why people do what they do regardless of other people's opinion about their believes.
i guess what  i am trying to say is that for tran* the only option we have is to change our bodies to suit our preferred gender and if we could change our brain's chemistry and make suit the body we have, we will do so since it easier not to go through journey of transitioning. we all would choose the easier way , but there isn't an easy way.
Blaming someone for being gay, lesbian, bi, trans*, Questions, or non-confirming is like blaming someone for having cancer.
this is who you are  and as said before you are braver and stronger than you think you are , you will figure it out and make it to full transition if thats your goal but know the whole transition journey is about waiting ( for E to kick, body to change, surgery , recovery and all) and thats what you need to do is to be patient and wait . your transition already began the day you came out to yourself as trans* so congrats
     

[lavini557]

Thanks Ali. It's unfortunate that my parents won't accept who I am and actually research this stuff instead of just going off of their first impressions of transgenders and the biased opinions of others. I don't think they will ever accept the idea that this is who I am, and they are still convinced that I have to just "try to think of myself as a guy". It's even more unfortunate that they see everyone who says that this can't be changed by changing the way I think is just spouting bullsh**.

What really ticks me off is that they keep saying, "Has anything bad happened before because of anything we said? No, right? If that's the case, why don't you trust our judgement now?" It's very hard to keep a straight face and not try to punch them in the face or something like that whenever they say this.

I would be glad if they did come around at some point, but I'm not counting on it. In fact, I highly doubt it. For now, I'm going to try to get on with my life as much as I possibly can. I'm thinking of maybe getting a part-time job or something after I finish taekwondo (I'll probably finish and get my black belt within a year or so, I think).

One thing I do wonder about, though, is whether to completely cut them off when going off to college/university/wherever I end up after high school, or whether I should let them keep sending me money if they wish to do so while not telling them about my transition. Just a thought.