Hey there all, been looking for someplace I could find a like minded community to share my experiences with. This site seems nice ^^
This is a fairly long story I'm about to share. So if you want to skip to the last couple lines, that's fine. Means a lot to me if you do read
My given birth name is Carl. I'm an 18 year old male living in South East England. I've been coping with depression a lot over the last 2 years. Throughout school I never really felt in place really. Just drifting through on nothing but my own brightness to get me through my subjects, no real motivation. Never really very social either. Wasn't into football or anything the lads were into, just mostly spent my time talking with some of the girls and some guys who'd do the same. I suffered from bullying quite heavily at school too. I was just the kid who got picked on by the generic 5 or 6 school bullies. My mum had a tough upbringing, so she gave and made me follow the same advice she followed when she was a kid; Don't let people walk on you, fight back. So I did, and it hurt me mentally. I'm just not that kind of person, to want to raise their fists to somebody. At the same time, I'm very emotional. After any fight I had got in, I'd just cry about it for hours because I just didn't understand why some people had to act like that and force me to act in such a way that I didn't want to. And because teachers really can't do anything about bullying, it felt even worse because I knew there'd simply be no stop to it until I or they left
I never knew what I wanted to do when I left school, so I just focused on the there and then really. When it came time to pick subject choices for college, I went with what I liked and was best at, hoping I could be motivated by em along the way. I ended up leaving college toward the end of the first year because I realized I wasn't enjoying the subjects or the teachers, and that the work had no end goal in sight. A degree in something that I wouldn't want to do at the end of the day.
So I quit college and fell into a bad spiral. Didn't even have the drive to get a job. I attempted one interview, but I have a big fear of failure, so it sunk me even further when I didn't get the job. I just work for my dad every now and then when he needs it. Confusion about myself and what I wanted with life seeped in, to the point I convinced myself I was just an out of place waste of space who was only good at playing video games. I accepted it and pretty much lived in isolation in my room for a solid year and a half, focusing on my internet life as opposed to my actual life. I'd go on to have a lot of breakdowns about it, but kept telling myself this was just how things were. And due to how I saw how teachers handled my bullying, I convinced myself that any therapy would be meaningless and would not result in help.
5 months ago, my mother reached out to me and convinced me to seek proper therapy. I've been seeing a therapist weekly for the past 7 weeks or so now. The progress is slow, but it's good to be able to discuss it openly with someone who can actually give me steps to move forward. I had never discussed my sexuality or gender at all with him. I'd never even considered it myself, seeing as how much I threw myself into my internet persona. In terms of self stimulation, I have mostly been looking at things to do with TG and Crossdressing for the past few years, but I had considered them simply fetishes and thought nothing more. However recently I had a dream where I imagined myself in the future living a happy life as the opposite gender. It freaked me out a bit because I never dream of myself, the future, or even considered the possibility of me preferring to be the opposite gender.
It got me thinking and so I found myself doing a lot of research. I ended up talking to a friend I hadn't talked to in a while who was in a relationship with a Trans. He helped me understand things and asked me questions about what I think about the whole affair, to which I was surprised to find I actually was quite open to the idea, if not, even wanting a bit. I discussed it with my sister to a small degree, to which she said she'd support me regardless of what I decide. So I feel oddly confident about the whole thing and actually find myself really desiring to try this stuff out. I reached out to one of my better friends in secondary school, and I've been seeing her regularly lately. She's very supportive and willing to help me in every way I can in terms of experimenting, having fun with it, and even transitioning if I came to it.
Although it isn't good to be living your life through the internet, in a weird sense it actually sort of empowers me. I've disconnected myself from my actual life so much, coming back to it it feels like it's a blank canvas I can paint any colour I like. There's no pre-existing template I have to follow. I feel incredibly confident and feel I would continue to be as such if I were to come out as a Trans. It feels good, because it feels like I understand me, and it feels like a life possibly worth living. And so I find myself in a strange position where I'm not necessarily facing the troubles that an average trans were to go through, I imagine.
I don't know for definite whether this is what I want or not, considering this is still only just happening and it could be considered a "way out" of depression by some doctors I imagine. But as I look at it now, the thought of living my life as the other gender feels like a happy one, and one I'd be very excited to explore the possibility of. So I suppose I'm here to gain some knowledge and confirm my feelings about whether I want this or not by talking to some people who could perhaps understand my position.
So basically, I'm at the very beginning of my experimentation period. I chose Kylie as my feminine name to go by. My friend tells me I have a very feminine figure considering and thinks I could pass without too much effort. I wouldn't know haha. I have little knowledge of being feminine really, but the thought does make me feel kinda happy. I'm pretty much just trying to figure out how I could progress with these feelings, and gaining some insight of how to act more like the opposite gender. If you're interested, here's a picture of myself wearing some underwear. Fairly safe.
Feels good to talk about it, and I look forward to meeting you and being part of the community. Bye for now!
No Underwear Shots Please
