I have become comfortably numb

[immortal gypsy]

"Let me rant and let me ramble, your lookin' at a lunatic in shambles.
I have issues I must wrestle, I'm unfit to take the vessel"
Let me be, Mighty Mighty Bosstones

About 40min ago I got a phone call from my sister that our father had just passed away. Now I can honestly say I never got along with the man.  I stopped talking to him around 19 and before that he once told me I can do nothing right. Do I regret not having the opportunity to talk to him no, I tried when I was a teenager but I was never his child I do envy you all that have supportive parents but I do relielise he could of been worse.

Here is my problem as the eldest I can see certain duties falling on my shoulders while I was raised by my grandfather to 'shoot straight' the rest of my family believed in playing games and keeping up the appearance of a happy family. Now part of me knows that there is a time and a place for everything but I can't get up there and say nice things about the idiot.  However if I don't people will ask why did you do what you did, and I further drive that wedge between my mother and myself that came since I came out to her this year. 

What is funny right now is yes I'm thinking about his death but how it has made others in the family easier.  No weird questions asked about why he isn't at my sisters wedding this year. It allows mum to move up north to Queensland to be with her family. Right now I have become comfortably numb and will probably remain happy as long as I don't have to deal with my family. I know I'm going to have to just not for tonight please

[immortal gypsy]

New update. Yay any hope or delusions I had of avoiding my family for the night have now vanished.  Thanks to a long ongoing argument between my brother and sister I have now found myself playing go between as neither of them will answer each others phone calls and one is already handing details (sister) the other as one that got along with him and saw him he should have some say (brother). They both know I don't like him yet they are still dragging me into this juvenile little argument over him.
Blessed are the peacemakers,  actually that gives me an idea anyone have a luger and parabellum I can borrow, or an island with no phone or wi fi availability?

[rosinstraya]

Poor you Ms Gypsy, families can be complete arses at times. These games of one-upmanship are just pointless and yet people still insist on ploughing through the same dreary little fields.

I'm sorry you've had all this stuff erupt...I wish you well in getting through it without throttling anyone!

Take care.

Love,


Ros

[immortal gypsy]

Thanks Ros,

I've never been one to call a spade a digging instrument,  its a spade. (actually in my hands its something I can use to hit people with). We will see how long I can hold my tongue, the next few days could be interesting. (a friend suggested I use his wake to come out to everyone in my family at once, it's tongue in cheek but if they play there usual games that could be a good possibility they will be drunk at the time). I hope I don't have to come between them often as my brother did know something was wrong with him and hinted with me that something was wrong. When I asked he wouldn't tell me, while it wouldn't have made a difference I still would of liked to of known before today that he was ill.

It is funny the two people who he couldn't understand and always yelled at (my sister and I) are the two people who are able to deal with all the family drama right now.

I have been apathetic about him now since what 13yr old and him being gone doesn't change things, am I a bad person for this?

[luna nyan]

Gypsy,

Being apathetic about a relative doesn't make you bad.  I have plenty of relatives, but few that I actually like.

It is hard to think of someone in a positive manner if your strongest memories of them are negative.  Some of my relatives have either passed away or are infirm, and the only connection I have to them is by blood only.  By nature, I am a sentimental person, but I have no emotional connection to these relatives and neither mourn nor have sympathy for their situation - they spent what goodwill I had when I was young.  I don't rejoice in what has become of them, but neither will I go out of my way for them.

Family politics can make no sense whatsoever,

[rosinstraya]

Yeah, it's funny how there are family favourites but somehow the "favourites" go missing when the cack hits the fan.

I know your question about being possibly a "bad person" may be rhetorical, but....for what it's worth, I think you are the only person who can judge any "badness" or whatever. If you know you did what you could in the circumstances at the time, then I don't think you can give yourself a hard time for that now. The thing is, when a relative dies it sets off all these memories and feelings, for better or for worse. Even though you may have had no real recent relationship with your father, I think there's still going to be an element of grieving there.

It's only my thought, but you may wish to speak with a bereavement counsellor about this. I know we all here tend to have seen our fair share of counsellors and therapists already, but yeah.

Take care.

Love,

Ros

[Eva Marie]

I have been apathetic about him now since what 13yr old and him being gone doesn't change things, am I a bad person for this?

I don't see any problem with the way you feel, and you are definitely not a bad person. Your father was obviously incapable of caring about his own children, and he went to his grave still being the same way. He made his choice and he lived to the end of his life sticking firmly to his behavior. So be it.

Now, he's gone and you are stuck with the aftermath. Are you the executor of his will? If not, is it possible to just disengage from your family for awhile? Family drama is not what you need at the moment. Set your boundaries and communicate them to your family members.

It is said that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. A lot of people are in the same boat as you are with family. I've had my own ups and downs with mine.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this, and I wish for the best for you going forward.

[K Style Addiction]

Thanks Ros,

I've never been one to call a spade a digging instrument,  its a spade. (actually in my hands its something I can use to hit people with). We will see how long I can hold my tongue, the next few days could be interesting. (a friend suggested I use his wake to come out to everyone in my family at once, it's tongue in cheek but if they play there usual games that could be a good possibility they will be drunk at the time). I hope I don't have to come between them often as my brother did know something was wrong with him and hinted with me that something was wrong. When I asked he wouldn't tell me, while it wouldn't have made a difference I still would of liked to of known before today that he was ill.

It is funny the two people who he couldn't understand and always yelled at (my sister and I) are the two people who are able to deal with all the family drama right now.

I have been apathetic about him now since what 13yr old and him being gone doesn't change things, am I a bad person for this?

First off, no you're not a bad person. Father or not, you cannot love someone who has bad to you, it's ridiculous for people to expect you to love him/feel sad if he was a jerk (which he sounds like).

As a kid my father always expected respect from me but never really did much to deserve it, sometimes parents feel regardless of what they do, respect should be given...not so.

Now i'm not very good at advice because as the youngest of my cousins (no siblings) i have been left to do my own things most of the time and not much is expected of me but you've been awesome to me and i want to help very much.

This is my advice, before i say this though you should do what makes you feel right. In my opinion i don't think you should come out at the wake, especially if they're drunk, acohol makes people say what they really think and you may get hurt by what your family says, also people act stupid at funerals (been to three, something always happens, some fight, some ugliness), they stop thinking and just do stupid ->-bleeped-<-, i've never been to a funeral in my life where somebody didn't fight.

Anyway i'm kinda going on, i'm soo sorry but my advice is if you can do it, don't say anything, just let them be, tell your family the words they want to hear and when all is done and over, go your own way but at the end of the day, you know best what to do friend, do what your heart tells you (i know it sounds corny but it's true).

Sorry if my advice sucked, i just want to help you.

[immortal gypsy]

As a kid my father always expected respect from me but never really did much to deserve it, sometimes parents feel regardless of what they do, respect should be given...not so.

Now i'm not very good at advice because as the youngest of my cousins (no siblings) i have been left to do my own things most of the time and not much is expected of me but you've been awesome to me and i want to help very much.

This is my advice, before i say this though you should do what makes you feel right. In my opinion i don't nk you should come out at the wake, especially if they're drunk, acohol makes people say what they really think and you may get hurt by what your family says, also people act stupid at funerals (been to three, something always happens, some fight, some ugliness), they stop thinking and just do stupid ->-bleeped-<-, i've never been to a funeral in my life where somebody didn't fight.

Anyway i'm kinda going on, i'm soo sorry but my advice is if you can do it, don't say anything, just let them be, tell your family the words they want to hear and when all is done and over, go your own way but at the end of the day, you know best what to do friend, do what your heart tells you (i know it sounds corny but it's true).

Sorry if my advice sucked, i just want to help you.

No Donna your advice didn't suck and it is true how many people believe respect should be given to them based on rank position or title. No it is something that has to be earned if you want it to truly last, even for something as basic as parent to child.

Now, he's gone and you are stuck with the aftermath. Are you the executor of his will? If not, is it possible to just disengage from your family for awhile? Family drama is not what you need at the moment. Set your boundaries and communicate them to your family members.

It is said that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. A lot of people are in the same boat as you are with family. I've had my own ups and downs with mine.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this, and I wish for the best for you going forward.

I have seemed to disengage a while a long time ago.  They only seem to contact me when they needed my help (ie bringing luxury chocolate up to Queensland or picking it up for them because they couldn't be bothered taking the 40min train ride into Sydney).
After a lovely tense conversation with my mother recently they will soon learn the boundaries. They can push me but I will finish any and all in public including the extended family. My family is very narssacistic and has kept a lot of things hidden, I'm not afraid of mine coming out, a wake is for remembering after all. (This is not very healthy and I don't recommend it for everyone but we can't choose our family. Blackmail and threats work so well with mine)

I know a lot of us have similar issues with our families.  So let me say this now,  "ALL YOU OUT THERE WITH FULLY SUPPORTIVE FAMILIES OR SO AND VIS A VIE'S  PLEASE TREASURE THEM AND LIVE EVERY DAY WITH THEM LIKE IT IS YOUR LAST". Me my friends have always been my support group.

Family politics can make no sense whatsoever,

This made laugh a little in year 7 I traced his family back to The of Knowledge in Barcaldine Queensland and the strikes. Family politics makes some sense to me some days, others I look around and just see (un)representative swill.

[immortal gypsy]

Okay so yesterday was the funeral and the wake. It was funny extended family members where trying to console me, me letting them (it was his mother and sister after all). Yet people who new the both of us warning me bite your tongue this is not the place.

I know you can't hold the same standards to everyone else but it was interesting to hear loving words come out of my sisters mouth about him yet he was apart of what tore this family apart.  A good listener would of also noticed I wasn't mentioned except by the celebrant. (Not complaining to do anything more would be hypocritical).

I think I broke my aunt's heart (mum's sister) when it came time to placing flowers on his coffin. She kept encouraging me to go up I kept saying no after awhile I whispered
"He told me I can do nothing right,"

So it is going to be interesting to see what happens in the next few months. Are my mother and sister going to come to my brother's wedding (doubt it). Will my brother and sister in law be invited to my sister's later in the year (probably not). However one thing I've come to realize is I do need to tell someone else in my family.  My favorite aunt is coming down for my brothers wedding in 5 weeks so I must schedule a day before after (little help please on the best time) and tell her that she has one less nephew then she thought and actually one more niece

[rosinstraya]

That all sounds suitably confusing with who thinks what, does what and why. I think it's sometimes too much of a struggle to work out what people do, particularly families. We are supposed to be similar, but it can seem like we're a bunch of strangers thrown together for the occasion.

It sounds like a good idea to come out to the favourite aunt, probably before the wedding otherwise you may find yourself too nervous to speak to her, what with all the associated palaver that goes with these events.

I'm guessing the TAB punters are a cakewalk after dealing with your family....

[Bombadil]

I just saw this post. I am sorry you are dealing with all the family politics. I am glad you made it through the funeral ok. Your feelings are understandable and don't make you a bad person.  Wishing you strength for the upcoming family stuff.

I think you do a lot of things right. I enjoy seeing you around the board and have found your words wise and fun.

[~Kaiden]

I'm sorry you are going through this right now.  You are certainly not alone in the dysfunctional, dramatic family department.  My family is pretty dysfunctional as well and sometimes can be really hard to deal with.  You aren't a bad person for feeling the way you do.  If your dad didn't give you much of a reason to love him than I think it's only natural to feel that way.  Just as others said before me, just because someone is related to you by blood doesn't automatically mean you have to love them or respect them.  In fact, many of the people in my family, especially my parents, for some reason seemed to have this idea that they can treat me horribly and still expect me to be perfect for them.  My dad makes me mad sometimes, because he will sit there and complain about how he will never be proud of his kids.  It really irks me because he wasn't even there most of the time I was growing up and wasn't much of a father when he was, so I don't see how on earth he feels like he has the right to judge me when he did pretty much nothing for me when I was younger.  Everyone always talks about parents being proud of their kids, but nobody really bothers to ask whether the child is proud of their parents.

Everyone grieves in their own way.  I think people are often made to believe they have to act or feel this or that way when certain things happen, but everyone's situation and relationships are different.  Perhaps you will feel some loss at his passing at some point - or perhaps you wont, I don't know.  Whatever it is, everyone has reasons for whatever they feel or don't feel.  There's nothing wrong with it, it's just the way it is.

I wish you luck with your family in the future, and hope things go well coming out to your aunt.