How do you deal with feeling lonely?

[Ryan1995]

I had my first therapy appointment on Friday with a new counselor. It went ok. I just hope that eventually my parents and the rest of my family understand this. They will never accept me. And it's not just my parents I'm talking about it's the rest of my family including aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Not everyone is fortunate to have an accepting family. It's heartbreaking to me. At the most I think they will just come to an understanding that transitioning is what's best for me. My father even admitted that he's very conservative and in his mind my sister and I will always be his 'little girls'. I know that the way he feels will never change. He still thinks I'm reading about transgender people on the internet which I'm not. I'm not actually on the internet that much anymore accept if I'm watching my favorite shows on youtube. He thinks I haven't tried being female and that I might not be transgender at all. I've known I was a boy since my earliest memory. Just because I felt like a boy doesn't mean people treated me like one. Regardless of how I felt I was socialized as a girl and people still treated me like one. So the way I see it is that I had to live my life as a girl even if I didn't feel like one. If I try to be female I will be pretending to be something I'm not. I feel like a part of me is dying every day. I feel like I'm fighting a battle that's impossible for me to win. It gets lonely sometimes. Before my sister got a job working at home I had the house all to my self. I could scream if I wanted to and sometimes I would talk out loud to god. Now that she has a job working at home I don't have a chance to do those things and I have all these feelings pent up inside of me. My father is just going to keep making up excuse after excuse of why he thinks I might not be transgender. I think one of the most frustrating things about being transgender is that in order for others to truly know how I feel they have to walk in my shoes. They don't know what it's like. 41% of people who are transgender or gender non-conforming have attempted suicide in their lives. Everyday I'm fighting not to be included in that statistic. I'm tired of fighting the hardest fight that I have ever had to fight before. The fight for being my myself and living my life truthfully and authentically. If I ever get on testosterone I will probably believe that anything is possible because the pain and the depression that I endure every day is a lot for anybody to go through. In my case I don't have a friend to turn to or a family member to talk to. I'm almost 19 by the way in case anybody is wondering how old I am. Pretty much my whole family is conservative except for me. So it's very easy for me to feel like the black sheep of the family because I'm so different from them. But anyway what do you guys do when your feeling lonely sometimes or depressed? It's like for people who aren't transgender it's so hard for them to wrap their minds around this. They can't relate to the pain I'm going through or they either don't take me seriously because they can't relate to how I feel.

[devention]

I'm giving you an internet hug; I hope you can feel it.
Have you told your friends? If you're close enough to a place that has one, have you tried a trans support group? If you don't live in a city, your school may have a gsa or lgbt club. You could get in contact with other trans people through there if you don't feel comfortable sharing your pain with a cis person. Maybe see if your therapist can put you in contact with another of their trans patients?
I meditate when I feel depressed. Just sit on my bed, breathe, and remind myself that everyone and everything has a purpose in life, and I probably haven't completed mine yet. I bet you haven't either.
If you're feeling suicidal, I encourage you to call a hotline if you can't talk to your parents ( based off what you have said, I assume you can't). Susan's has a board with numbers and links here:https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112671.0.html
Feel free to message me. I'm always willing to listen.

[Maleth]

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back. From what I can tell, you are so so so strong and you're fighting not to be included in that unfortunate statistic and to live and for a chance that you can finally be you without the constraints of others. That is so awesome, and I know how hard it may be, but you're a fighter and I've got faith in you. In terms of releasing those "pent up feelings" as you mentioned, I'd look for ways to do that in a nonviolent, positive way. If you feel lonely, maybe finding a nice hobby to occupy yourself and distract from any thoughts could really help you feel a little happier each day. Struggling with insanely suicidal thoughts is no new thing for me, but I found that writing about it really helped, but that has to be well-hidden, especially if you don't want others to see your personal thoughts. Maybe something sporty could be your thing? I don't know how true they are, but some scientific studies have shown that people that exercise regularly have lower stress levels or something like that.. I dunno, but it sounds like a pretty good deal if you'd be willing to do that kind of thing.

[Ryan1995]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I bought a notebook today so I'll probably vent by write out my feelings. I have a nosy family so hopefully I can keep it away from them.

[devention]

Ryan, if you do your own laundry, I would keep it at the bottom of your hamper. People generally don't like to dig through others' dirty socks and underwear if they can help it.

[Arch]

Ryan, one thing that helped me to bear my "waiting period"--pre-transition and the time before I was universally read as male--was to make plans. I still fretted and obsessed like nobody's business, but at least I had a PLAN.

What are your specific plans for the next few years? One advantage you have is your age. I know it's tough to go through this at a young age, but you are not a minor. Therefore, you are old enough to leave home without being brought back by the cops, and you are old enough to start your transition. What plans do you have for accomplishing your goals?

I would include the "little" things in there, too--things that are transition-related or life-related but that are little milestones on the way to something bigger. Break big scary tasks into little ones.

Frequently, after a support group meeting, I would get on the freeway and just drive. It was dark, and not many people were out, so I could yell to my heart's content. The only down side was that I had to pay careful attention to my driving at the same time. But I suppose I could have pulled off the freeway and found an isolated spot.

As for the loneliness, I was in a long-term relationship and still felt isolated in many ways. Support groups helped. Susan's helped. Animals helped.

[Ryan1995]

Right now I'm planning to go to college. I want to pick a career where I only need an associate's degree so I can graduate in two years. By the time I graduate I want to be completely independent so I don't have to worry about moving back in with my parents. My therapist mentioned that I could go to a support group and meet other transgender people. I want to, but as always I'm worried about what my parents will think if I meet other transgender people and probably make some friends. Since the time I first told my dad how I felt four years ago he has never stopped believing that I was influenced by the internet that I was transgender. I need to stop worrying about what other people think. I also want to focus more on my healing for my health and my sanity. I've tried to educate my parents but to be completely honest I'm pissed. Some of the things that come out of their mouths are just ridiculous. I've even been called an atheist by my mom. I don't know how much of it I can take. I don't want to focus on educating family members anymore. I've already done all that I can and by now I'm just repeating the same stuff I've been saying for the past four years. So that's my plan. I just hope I can roll with the punches that life brings and make it through this.