POSITIVITY THREAD: FOR FAMILY AND PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDERS

[Kitty.]

I wanted to start a thread to combat all the negativity existing online when partners and families look up info about how to cope when finding out their loved one is transgender. Finding out your loved one is the opposite sex is terrifying. We need a place where we can read positive stories!

So, I want to share my story -- and a little bit of advice. I know my situation is unique to me, but hopefully others will find positivity in it.

Here goes:

I met an amazing man several years ago and we've been inseparable ever since. He was my soulmate in every way. He hated his appearance, hated certain male roles he was expected to play, hated his name, hated the term "boyfriend" without knowing why, and he thought he was broken inside and could never love himself. It saddened me that even with my love and support, he couldn't feel better. But we loved each other, which seemed enough.

To cut a long story short, thanks to lots of things, he realised he's been MtF transgender his whole life -- and now it's out, he suffers INCREDIBLY strong gender dysphoria. The news was such a shock for both of us. I cried more tears than should be humanly possible, I couldn't cope with life, I felt cut off and had to keep it all a secret with no support... I mean, I am straight and didn't sign up as a lesbian! For goodness sake, MY MAN HAS MALE BITS AND I NEED THEM!!! I also doubted myself and my womanhood, and started to feel "Why me?" because, as my sister so succinctly put it when I came out to my family the other day, "You've not had a great life. Can you cope with this as well?". Meanwhile, my partner was having panic attacks regularly and telling me he wouldn't do anything about his situation because I was everything to him and he wouldn't risk losing his soulmate.

I felt guilty for being relieved at that, and yet his words ate at me. I read online about how it was just about inevitable that trans people will transition... or sink into major depression and suicidal thoughts (my partner has been there and done that, and I wouldn't want him back there).

I tried to get my head around what HE was telling me -- that he was a girl inside -- but I couldn't. I saw my man, as ever. I see this a lot in posts by partners of TGs; they write "he" when their partner is MtF. They see sex, not gender. I read loads of support forums, but they were full of resentful, vitriolic, angry spouses telling me that I needed to grieve the loss of my partner.

So I started to grieve him.

Then I shook myself and realised I was going down a bleak road, a road that led me into thinking I needed to escape my relationship. Reading other people's negativity does not have to affect my own story; my story could have a happy ending. It's my own partner I needed to look at and base my decision on, not random people I've read about. I realised that actually, my partner hasn't gone anywhere. My partner is right beside me, in need of my help. I always knew something was wrong with my partner, and I knew I didn't have a manly man -- I needed to realise that this revelation was my partner finally on the path to discovering themselves and being happy inside.

I read articles and watched videos about MtF trans instead, and discovered what they go through. Their suffering and torment appealed to my caring side, and I knew my partner, my soulmate, was hurting just as much. One video and article helped me the most, and I realised that somehow I had to accept my partner should transition. I even showed my partner the video, and it was a special moment of understanding between us: http://uberscribbler.com/2013/03/12/my--mtf--daughter--an--ordinary--life--with--an--extraordinary--girl/

People say eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe that's true. My partner and I began talking -- really talking and opening up -- and on one such occasion, two weeks in to having discovered he is a she, I was sitting on the couch beside him and as I looked into his eyes I saw her. Truly saw her. A woman was looking back at me, not a man.

She didn't have a name -- that was anther magical moment we shared as we discovered her true name -- but she was not hidden any more. Her partner could see her. I told her that I could see her, that she would never be hidden from me again, and she nearly cried. She felt this unnamed emotion at being finally recognised. It was a beautiful moment. I accepted her, so she could finally begin to accept herself.

I cannot refer to her as "he", now. I make slip-ups, sure, but not many. When I look at her, I see a girl. These days I even say "my beautiful girl", because she is, inside and out (though one day she'll look truly herself). I think true love is about saving each other and being there through darkness and light. It's taken me a while to get where I am mentally, but now I can honestly say that I know, deep down, I just want my partner happy. I want to save her. I just didn't know I had to save her from herself.

And, to be honest, I never did lose my partner. She's still the same loving, funny self -- she's still the same person underneath -- she's just a lot calmer and more centred (other than when her severe dysphoria hits). My partner needs me as much as she always did -- if not more. It's brought us closer. That's not to say it won't be hugely difficult at times, since dysphoria is overwhelming, but we can do it. Together.

Another unexpected thing is the positive side to all this. I can talk to her easier. She doesn't try to be controlling now. Some days she feels more inner peace than ever, now she knows what's been wrong all these years and how to fix it. She actually likes some parts of her appearance. We go clothes shopping together (it's fun, cos we kinda have to be discreet about it, which feels secretive and exciting!). I help her with makeup techniques. We spend time together and make time for each other, especially right now as she needs all the happiness she can get until she truly matches what's on the inside.

She's so grateful for my help, and I am so thrilled to have found the strength to see the real her and to realise that she's still everything I fell in love with. When you ask your "man" not to transition, you're basically asking your WOMAN to remain stuck in the wrong body, unseen and trapped. Can you imagine how frightening and depressing that is for her? Her own partner doesn't even see her!

As she admits, when she used to say she would not transition because of me, she felt something inside her was slowly being ripped apart. Yet she never told me, because she didn't want to put that pressure on me.

Anyway, you know what? As for my earlier anxieties about needing my man's man parts... well, I'm actually now ready and waiting and wanting to explore a whole new world of toys and fun and more intimacy -- when my partner can join in one day. Sex doesn't have to stop. Sex becomes more of an understanding between the two people; a meeting of minds and goals and love. And you have so much more of a connection.



And in my final paragraph I'll leave you will the best part of all. Last week I proposed to my girlfriend, and she said yes! One day, when she's on HRT and is fully herself, we'll get married... as two beautiful women.


(Hopefully others will share their positive stories.)

[muffinpants]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww  that was so beautiful!! I know your feels, too!!! Since my SO has begun transition, we have become so much closer.. and I thought we had been super close before. I know so much more about her now and feel much more open to be myself, regardless of gender norms. It has really helped our life to blossom into awesomeness. It just makes me all warm inside to read more stories like this. There aren't enough of them out there!! I'm so happy for you and your fiance!

[mrs izzy]

Thanks for sharing your story.

I am so glad that you have come to understand we are humans and have struggled all our lives with the turmoil.

You and your girlfriend will work your way through all the processes.

Keep her safe in the down periods and they should get better as she get further in her path.

So again thank you for this great post of acceptance and love.

I wish you and your girlfriend the best in life.

Hugs
Isabell

[bunnymom]

Here's a positive.
My daughter came out to me 11 months ago. Finally after all this time we have a HRT letter and prescriptions!
She put her first estradiol patch on today!
So happy she could start right before she turns 20.
She's hoping to feel the rainbows, unicorns and flowers the therapist says often occurs after a short time on HRT.  :-)

[mrs izzy]

She's hoping to feel the rainbows, unicorns and flowers the therapist says often occurs after a short time on HRT.  :-)

It scares me when a therapist makes these kind of clams.

Life should never be walked in rose colored glasses.

Not to say she will not but more a chance of utopia is slim.

I wish her all the best on her path. Sometime there is a huge win for the home team.

Isabell

[Kitty.]

muffinpants (what an awesome name!), I'm sooooo glad to hear you're in the same situation as me!!! Everywhere I looked, OH's are being so down... and it brought me down, too. I know we OH's face a horrendous decision, one no one expects to be put in, and at first it can feel unfair and like the end of the world, but if there's one thing life has taught me, it's that I need to find positives where I can. And I'm glad I stayed with my beautiful soulmate, because she's everything to me. It doesn't matter what body she's in; it's the personality I clicked with. Sure, it's taken (and will take) some time to adjust to the new body, but if she's happy, I'm happy.

I see her in full girl mode (well, as much as she can while not on HRT), and she's so much more happier. She actually smiles now and enjoys clothes shopping! She has these big smiles that go all the way to her eyes, which I'd never seen before. She even *feels* things now, whereas before she was so emotionally numb and pretended to be confident and swaggerish.

I know it's incredibly hard dealing with her depression and stress, but that's what I signed up for when I committed to being her partner. She helps me, and I help her. And I bet even my downest days do not compare to what she's feeling 24/7 right now.

I'm so much more confident, too. I'm very protective of her, so I force myself to confront things that I would have backed away from once, being shy. Everything's so much better. And yeah, like you, even our relationship is better - we truly understand each other, like she can finally understand herself - and I thought we had an amazing relationship before.

So are you married, or would you consider proposing to your beloved? I always imagined how *he* would propose to *me*, so it was such a turnaround to realise that actually, I wanted to give *her* that experience, to make her feel very girly and loved.

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And hello to mind is quiet now (I think I can understand that name, knowing how my partner used to suffer)! I am DEFINITELY committed to working through this. I mean, if I left, how would I see her blossom into the beautiful butterfly I know she'll become?! And some other lucky person would snap her up!!! (*jealous*)

I shall protect her to the best of my ability. I need her. She's the light of my life.

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bunnymom, you sound wonderful! Your daughter will very much need you during this time, and as we family-of-TGs can attest to, this situation can bring you so much closer if you let it. Your daughter put so much trust in you to come out as trans.

I know you don't know me, but thank you. Trans people suffer so much. They need all the support they can get.

[muffinpants]

It is really quite amazing how many parallels our situation has! My gf is the same way with actually being able to feel now. Before, she was loving to me, but her emotions seemed so robotic! Since seeing her therapist, she has become so much more... human. It's amazing and such a relief to see her feel!! And she also has issues with being down and depressed, sometimes it just seems to happen out of the blue. It's so odd, in the past she was chronically depressed, but now she's mostly happy with certain things that will set her off. Such as mirrors and photographs Sadly, I don't thnk her brain/eyes are able to keep up with the changes. She still sees her old self, even though she has changed so dramatically and gets gendered correctly in public. She is quite gorgeous and I can't wait until she is able to see what I see in her <3  And protective! Me too! I feel like a mama bear, if anyone says anything wrong or unaccepting, I know she will just sit there and take it so I rear up and take care of business, lol!

As for marriage, it's a bit odd for us. We've been together for about 10 years now, so for a while it's kinda just been assumed between the two of us that it will happen once we get settled. We've been together since highschool and are currently in college. Both of us are still on our parents health insurance, and I've got two more years of smooth sailing until I need to find my own, I figure I might as well take advantage of it! Once that's done with, we'll prolly get hitched So since it is assumed, we are both in no rush

I love reading about the two of you, though! It's so awesome that yall can be there for each other. I'm certain your support makes a world of difference for your soon to be wife. It's amazing how much closer something like this can bring people. And thank you! It's so good to hear other stories like this in the community. It warms my heart <3 *big hugs!!!*

[Phyliciaraine]

It's so wonderful to read about more and more couples staying together. I know my wife has been through a lot of what you went through, and yes we are staying together. and yes i do think it brought us closer together as well. I wish i could put my story in here for you to read as well but we have not stopped writing it. but if you want to read it look in my signature for my post the wife of trans link. I whole hearted agree with you as far as we need more positive stories. When i came out to my wife almost 2 years ago, we could not find much to give us any positive outlook on the situation. But more are appearing each day. I don't know if you have heard the term "pansexual" our counsellor told us about it and it fit my wife so well she was shocked. Its where you truly love the person inside and not so much the outside. to put it simply. She has shared with me that this journey, this transition is something we are both going through. I've become a woman and she has learned more about herself than she could have ever guessed. I wish both you and your girlfriend the best and a long happy life together. Also feel free to PM me if you want. i look forward to seeing more posts from you in the future.

[blueconstancy]

(I haven't been around much, or I would have jumped on this earlier; the negativity is understandable from people who are suffering, but it's definitely hard to take when the only possible outlook for the future is doom and gloom. I feel bad being all joy and sunshine in those threads, though, so thank you for making a space for positive stories too!)

The positive parts of transition for me long term is... everything. I had a rough time with the actual process, but now that we're beyond it, I wish I could tell my past self it'd be like this - that there IS a payoff for getting through it. I'm more attracted to my partner now than before, and we're more in love and bonded than we were. She's happier now, but so am I, and not just because she is; there's a sense that we went through a trial by fire together and came out of it stronger. Our vows and our love have been tested, sure, but there's a security in knowing that we *passed* that test, and nothing could shake us.

In a lot of ways my identity makes more sense if I'm publicly perceived as a lesbian, too. (I'm bisexual, but prefer women.) After all those years of everyone assuming I was straight, and not being welcome in queer circles b/c I was dating a man and assumed to be a faker/poser, I can proudly live the truth I've known all along.

My parents disowned me, too... and five years without their abusive nonsense in my life turned out to be a HUGE benefit. It didn't feel that way at the time, but her transition bought me freedom.

So while I was traumatized by a lot of the little changes (and bigger ones!), I do wish I could have known that the "other side" would be this good. I've been lucky enough to be one of those partners for whom the grieving process did have an end, too. While I did genuinely grieve the loss of my husband, there came a point when that felt silly when she was standing right in front of me, and I gradually let go of that pain. It's been years now since I've had more than a fleeting thought of wishing for a man. I've never been anything but desperately grateful that I didn't lose *her,* and that all the people insisting no relationship survives were wrong.

[Kitty.]

I'm loving that there's others not afraid to come out and say how amazing it is when you stay with your partner. I hope people who are just starting down our road can find this thread and gain some positivity from it. Things may feel devastating at first, and that's to be expected, but you CAN feel better and stay with your partner. During that time, you two need each other more than ever. And if you keep talking and being honest, you can accept it easier. After two weeks I stopped feeling like my life was over. And it slowly got better from there, though it *was* difficult to face the idea that I'd have to become a lesbian and that certain... male parts.... would be gone one day. But even that vanishes.



muffinpants, I'm glad to hear your gf *feels* more, too. I never realised how emotionally numb my partner was until I saw the difference in her. And that's without counselling, since it's taking soooo long to get appointments to get help. And I do hope your partner starts to see how her outer beauty is matching her inner beauty. I fear mine will have the same problem when she gets that far, especially as she's always hated herself and it's a gazillion times stronger now. Right now, mine makes every effort she can to pass, including scouring her face and body with razors every day until she bleeds (), but because she's receiving no help, she's not anywhere near where she longs to be. We have an initial appointment with a mental health woman at the end of the month, so fingers crossed it will get the ball rolling since it's such a clear case of GD with my gf.

But we love the idea that one day, when she's gone through everything, we can get married! I always wanted marriage with "him" but didn't know why he could never commit, and now that we know why, so we're both actually excited at the idea! I wish I'd known sooner that "his" problem was that he needed to walk down the aisle as a woman.

But yeah, we are so like you. I'd been with my partner for 8 years and everyone expected us to marry. But for obvious reasons, we never did. And yes, like yours, my partner had been chronically depressed... until we met and things became so wonderful for both of us. Now, she only gets very down when something triggers her dysphoria, like shaving, looking in the mirror, and having to cover her facial hair shadow until we can get laser.

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Phylicia, I LOVE your line - "I wish I could put my story here, but we have not stopped writing it". Sooo beautiful! Yes, that's true of all of us, I think. I'm on a journey with my partner, beside her, and we are closer than ever. I love the soul inside, and to be honest the outside will change, but not change so much that I won't see my partner's eyes and lips and smile when I look at her. And now that she's practising her feminine voice, I think I have glimpses into how she'll sound, too, and it's beautiful.

Thanks for the term "pansexual". I'd heard of the concept, but I didn't have a name for it. In the past, my partner had always said this life wasn't long enough to share with me, and that "he" would jump at the chance to transplant his mind into another body if it were possible, so he could share more lifetimes with me (we're big scifi geeks!). I always said that would be weird, cos I liked looking at "him", not some random person, but I've since learned that actually, I'm the same. As long as I can be with my soulmate in whatever form, I'm happy.

And yes, what we've learned is that it's OUR journey. I'm growing and changing too, becoming more confident and protective while learning who I really am. I would have not had this chance had I left.


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Nice to meet you, blueconstancy. I'm thrilled you like the thread idea!!! And YES! I completely know what you mean by "everything is positive". Other than my partner's dysphoria, which is so strong, I feel like the world is finally going right and that my partner might finally, finally find inner peace and will learn to love herself. Aaaaand my sister, who was kinda stuck in life, is going back to uni so she can work with transgender people one day, since there's so very little support out there. Really, there are so many positives coming to light since my partner acknowledged who she is.

I have to admit, though, I've struggled - and still do - with the idea of being perceived as a lesbian. I'll accept it one day, but it's such a strange idea. I never looked at girls in that way, and I don't find myself doing it now either, but if my soulmate is a girl, so be it. I'll just have to sound weird and say, "I'm not a lesbian; I only like this one woman here." Had I met her as a girl, though, I'm sorry to say I wouldn't have wanted her. That's such a scary thought, considering she's now everything to me!

But I'll be scared of holding hands in public even though I know I shouldn't care what people think. But if my partner's goal is stealth, people in the street WILL think I'm a lesbian. I'll just have to face that idea. And I WILL. Especially if I remain this protective of her. And, knowing me, one day I'll *want* to hold hands outside so the world can see that the beautiful woman I'm walking with is mine.




And... I WISH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU A WONDERFUL, AMAZING LIFE WITH YOUR PARTNER. You deserve it.

[mark s]

Must say I don't see much male/trans girls here so bear with me.

Wonderfull to hear that it's going good for some partners / family and congratulation on proposing to her.

I sort of cheated the initial transition with my girl as I met her after she started transitioning, but in the time I have been with her (since she was 5-6 months on the hormone regiment) each day she became more beautiful and became more content with herself. How she looked 4 months ago (when I met her) pales with how she looks now (she really became more stunning).

We talked about what was bothering her (see my tread) and it seems that she has a lot more issues then she showed initially. I think she didn't fully trust me and thought I might leave her because of them. We talked and now she has confided in me and told me everything. Also the things she has a problem with.
She's really bad with that she has a penis and that laser hair removal didn't work 100% (dark hairs were removed but the blond ones not, which were not visible at the time). Also mirrors, she sometimes see her old male self (that sounded awful to me).
There are however two things she's very happy about. Those are her hands (long small fingers and a delicate hand palm) and her voice (she said she always had a more feminine voice, which she found horrible when she denied that she didn't know she was trans).

I never saw the boy she used to be and hate and I will do my best to make her happy and protect her (even if it means breaking mirrors).
Meaby I will ask her to move in with me when we are 6 months together (as I really want to be together with her). That is if I manage to find a place for us otherwise I will just give a symbolic key for when we do find a place (I can't stand that we cant see each other so much and she told me she wanted to move out of her student home). Around the same time she will be 1 year on the hormones which I also have a surprise for.

[mark s]

O yea I forgot that she has a very good relationship with her mother. Her mother accepted her fully and does her best to support her where she can. For example her mother is financing her facial hair removal and genital (which seems to be a requirement for the operation here).
Financing her surgery won't be a problem because it's covered 100% by basic dutch healtcare insurance, as are her hormones.

[Allyda]

O yea I forgot that she has a very good relationship with her mother. Her mother accepted her fully and does her best to support her where she can. For example her mother is financing her facial hair removal and genital (which seems to be a requirement for the operation here).
Financing her surgery won't be a problem because it's covered 100% by basic dutch healtcare insurance, as are her hormones.

Congratulations Mark to you and your girlfriend, especially to her. I think it's great you only wish to make her happy and want to protect her. She's a very lucky girl to have you.

Allie

[Danniella]

Hey Kitty!

I wanted to pop my head in the thread and post a quick thing here to say it was so amazing to meet you and your partner this weekend.

I used to strongly believe that love could conquer all, given time and hard work. But I have to admit, that when things went so wrong with my wife after my diagnosis, I lost all hope.

I thought I had been naive to think that love can survive such an ordeal, and I hardened myself to the concepts of love and relationships for numerous long, cold and hard months.

I thought love was a lost cause for a trans person and that you could never rely on it...at least not the apparent "True Love" and support of your partner. I very much formed the cruel opinion of "There is little to no chance your partner will stay if you are trans, and even if they do...you will probably never be as happy as you were before coming out...you have to know that before you transition...because that's the price...you simply can't have your cake and eat it."

But speaking to you both the other day, hearing your story, knowing that you are making it despite the troubles, and seeing just how happy you were together in the flesh, in spite of everything...all of it right there before my eyes...I was caught with shock, as it truly rekindled that hope in my soul once more :')

I had to stop myself bursting into tears right there in the restaurant!

Hope is the most important gift that can ever be given from one person to another. It can define, drive and save a life a million times, and in a million different ways.

And you both gave me hope again...

I can't thank you enough for that. I wish you all the love and luck in the world

Okay...gushing over. I shall now retreat once more to the realms of the MtF side of the forums.

[blueconstancy]

Danniella : Please add me to the list of those who are happier now than before. In fact, although it was a hell of a year, I honestly would not go back and change history if I could - the ways our relationship has deepened and improved are worth it.

[Kitty.]

I shall reply to the others, but first:

Daniella, hello!!! *big hugs* (I just wanted to hug you sooo much IRL!) That was an amazing post. If I can work out how to give you a reputation point for it, I will. What you say about hope... that was the purpose of this thread - I just didn't know I could give hope to trans people as well. Anyone's welcome in this thread, too, not just SO's or family of trans people.

Urgh. I hate having to say "trans". To me, you are just people. You're a girl, Daniella, just like me. Maybe more so, since you've spent your whole life trapped in the wrong body but it hasn't lessened the girl you are inside. In fact, it's made you stronger.

But anyway, thank you!!! Your post was amazing to read this morning. Really brightened my day. I'm glad you saw how happy Cat and I are together, cos tbh I think my shyness (and hers) made us not even one iota as loving as we are at home. I love her so much. Like Blueconstancy (hi, blue!), I wouldn't want my partner to go back to pretending to be a guy. I even once joked that I'd leave her if she did, cos I love her too much, now I've seen the real her.

I'm glad we've given you hope, because you have lots to be hopeful for. An it's okay to be teary. I had a good cry yesterday, because my partner was struggling and I feel her pain, and that on top of how I felt meeting you girls the day before... it just tipped me over the edge. You girls were all so wonderful and accepting and welcoming, and when I think about all the things you've had to put up with (and keep having to put up with), it makes me sad. I can only offer my heartfelt hugs to all of you going through a change.



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Mark, hoi, and welcome to my thread! I hoped you'd post here, cos your thread made me smile, seeing how much you love your girlfriend. You two seem to mean the world to each other. I hope things only keep getting better. But don't rush things. I'd never had a relationship until I met my soulmate in my mid twenties. It's okay to take things slow. Things will be so much more special because of the build-up and friendship, trust, and love that will blossom further over that time. )

And you for your records, you call male-to-female trans girls "trans GIRLS" (or, my preferred, "girls"), and female-to-male trans men "trans MEN" (or just "men"). You don't refer to their old identity, cos they were never truly that anyway - only in body. Your girlfriend has always been a girl inside, so she's a girl.

And hopefully her mum is sorting electrolysis to remove your gf's remaining facial hair. Laser doesn't work on light-coloured hair; only electrolysis does. And hair should always be removed from *down there* before surgery to stop in-growing hairs growing inside her once she's had SRS.

But yes, I think you'll find there are many triggers to her dysphoria. Common ones are shaving, mirrors, any reflection (in windows, etc.), voice, male parts, body hair, facial hair, photos of themselves, clothes they used to wear when they were the wrong sex, etc.

Anyway, I hope your gf keeps blossoming (she will if she has your love) and that you two have a long, happy life together.

[mark s]

Was a bit unclear I agrea. Meant trans girl and a male partner. The part "boy she used to be" referenced to how she looked before and what she still sees from time to time in the mirror (and that I never saw that).

Didn't know that also hair removal down there was needed.  Now that you said it, it makes perfect sense.

She told me she wants to move out of where she lives and she also said she hates that I have to leave or that she has to leave (also if you ask me it's time to move out of my parent's place).

Had 1 relationship before, but I have been single for some years after that (we are both 24 years old). Had dates but there wasn't chemistry. With my girl however I didn't need to think twice, everything was there. If I'd say anything it be that she's my soulmate because she completes me. I think and hope that she thinks the same about me.


I really like that there are others like kitty and the rest. I bet that most trans girls/women and trans boys/men lose their partners or are judged negative when they are dating with a potential bf/gf. This just makes it so much harder for the already hard things they go through. My girl can rely on me if she needs to and I wish that everyone has someone like that.

[CommanderCupcakes]

I hope this post isn't too late! Positivity is such an important thing- as well as other SO's sharing their trans* partners' stories. It's really amazing and gives me hope- every time I read someone's story I think of it as filling my reality meter- as there are some days where life (social and gender standards) really gets to me and I feel so alone going through these unique struggles, but then I find a place like Susan's Place and suddenly I don't feel so alone. I am really grateful!

My partner is MtF and we have been together 4 years; 2 years with me knowing about her gender dysphoria. I was the first person she came out to, now two years ago. After we struggled with with all of the many challenges that comes with living your life in denial, I encouraged her to go to a counselor last year- who confirmed that she is in fact transgender- and she could either "try to ignore it" her whole life, or transition into the woman she is. So, we sucked it up, started laser hair removal, did cryobanking so that we could have children someday if we wanted (and somehow win the lottery so I can afford to get pregnant), and now she has been on hormones for almost 5 months (Hormones were an important part to her personal story, I know everyone is different, and that is perfectly fine. I originally was adamantly against it because I didn't feel it was safe or natural, but I feel differently today, due to her change in mood/etc.) Every day is getting better and better, even through family and life drama- I am finally starting to see the partner that I have told "I love you" to for almost 4 years.

It's been a crazy ride so far, and there are still millions of questions (does she want to wear a dress on our wedding day? Will our families ever accept that? What about me?) but I can honestly say I've never been happier. I hate labels, and I'm sure society says (once they learn about our "alternative" relationship) that I'm a part of the lesbian army propagating the "liberal agenda", and turning "all our men into women" Well, then, I say to all of these paranoid unhappy people (which I used to be as well) something like "The only way to fight fear is with love and understanding." Obviously there are many more eloquent and profound ways to say that- but I accept myself as I am. And now so does she. (For the most part.)

Find what makes you happy, and hold on to it for dear life, (including your SO's fun new developing breasts) because life is a hell of a bumpy ride, and if you find your happiness, never let it go. <3

[Megan Joanne]

This topic put a smile on my face through the entire read. 

[Kitty.]

Sorry, Mark - I had only meant to help by writing those terms. I hope I didn't cause offence! I know in the early days I got so mixed up with what everything meant and what was correct to say.

But wow! I'm so happy to hear you think she's your soulmate! I think that is what defines couples who stay together. If you truly love the soul underneath, you can make it together. I really do wish you both the best. You sound sweet and special, so I'm sure she'll think you are worth keeping!

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CommanderCupcakes, what a fun name! Makes me hungry, though. Welcome to Susan's, though I've only been here a week or so myself. Strangely, I feel like I fit in more with the MtF sub-forum than this SO area even though I lurk there more than post, cos I have so much respect for what trans people go through, often without a good support network IRL. Whereas on other forums of SOs, everyone just seems to be looking for validation for their resentment, which doesn't fit in with what I need. I know my partner didn't "come out" to spite me. I know my partner didn't have a choice in the matter. If anything, it's only *because* we have such a great relationship that we discovered what's been plaguing her her whole life - we discovered it through talking.

And you're not too late for this thread. No one is. I'm hoping this thread will stay around for years and that loads will find it and find (or share) positivity in it. Maybe it can be stickied so partners and family will always be able to see positivity when they first look here for help?

So thank you for yet another happy story! At times it may feel like you're going through a unique situation, but there are plenty others in the same boat. We stay because we're in love. It outweighs the struggles, the fear of what society will think, the moments of agony or breakdowns when we see our partners hating themselves, or their fears of ridicule, or their panic at having to wait years for treatment. We support them and hold them up when they can't do it any more... because they would do the same for us. That's what love is about.

I used to wonder why my "male" partner stood by me when for years I'd written myself off because I have lots of health problems. But now I realise she loves me because she loves *everything* I am, and if that means my not-so-great health too, so be it. Like you say, when you find your happiness, never let it go.


I wish you and your partner the best of everything, and a speedy, successful transition for her. You, like every one of us partners who stay, are strong and amazing, and your SO is lucky to have you.

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Megan, awww, thank you! I'm so happy that it's gone down so well. There needs to be more threads like this in the world!