Failing Health

[Alainaluvsu]

I need some advice, badly.

I have been having symptoms that mirror MS (Multiple Sclerosis) for months now. I've had many tests to rule out many things, but they did find a "focus" on a brain MRI. They believe it to most likely be a vascular malformation. As of this weekend, I've been having many neurological symptoms including EXTREME spasticity (tightening of muscles and strong involuntary muscle actions) and muscle weakness, and incontinence. It's been so bad, that I haven't been able to walk since Monday.

I've been to a doctor and she referred me to a neurologist at LSU. This was something that was suppose to have been done by the last person I was seeing, but wasn't. She prescribed me something for the spasticity. There was nothing she could do about anything else, and she "You can always go to the ER, they have to see you".

Now, common sense would say "You haven't been walking all week and you're 31 years old. That's an emergency!!!". However that is not so easy in a transsexuals life. If I go to the ER, first of all I'm incontinent and unable to walk, so am I going to need to be changed by somebody there? Second of all, one of my issues is incontinence. Do I really want to get a huge urinalysis where people are looking at me naked?

The fact of the matter is I think I would rather die than go through that. I am 100% serious about that.

I'm not only transsexual, but I have to have this too?! Come the **** on!

The ->-bleeped-<-ty part is I feel sharp pains in my head. For all I know I may die on this bed.

[Ducks]

call 911

Regarding the rest, you will remain long after the humiliation you imagine is forgotten... get well!!  There are a lot of loving and open people in medicine, you need to just trust the universe will take care to put them in your path.

Please call

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry to say this , but really I think you need to call an ambulance pronto.

[bev_c]

Get to a hospital. The symptoms sound more like a stroke than MS. If it is a stroke and it is treated promptly then you will recover from it well.

Please get help.

[Alainaluvsu]

I've never had any evidence of a stroke (according to an MRI), my heart is in excellent shape (saw a cardiologist a few weeks ago). My point is the dysphoria with being a pre op mtf may kill me.

[ashrock]

I wish there was anything I could say to help... Im sorry, you HAVE to go to the ER. Please get help, I beg you... Im sorry this is hard, I cant even imagine.  You have to be stronger than the dysphoria, and I KNOW you are, you HAVE been in the past. Go, now!

[stephaniec]

I've never had any evidence of a stroke (according to an MRI), my heart is in excellent shape (saw a cardiologist a few weeks ago). My point is the dysphoria with being a pre op mtf may kill me.

these are medical professionals they don't give a crap what you look like they just want to help you

[Rachel]

Alaina, please get help. What are the probabilities it will go away by itself? It sounds like it is getting worse and you may only have a window where damage can be reversed.

I understand the dysphoria and embarrassment will be huge but what would happen if you go much later, endure the same dysphoria and are impaired due to the delay. 

Hugs, I hope you seek help.

[bev_c]

My point is the dysphoria with being a pre op mtf may kill me.

And that would be a total waste.

I came back here because of Nero. Please do not join him.

Get to the hospital. Please.

[mrs izzy]

Stress from us being GD has made other troubles with your health flare up.

My eldest son does not have GD but he has MS. When he wares his self down both physically and mentally is when he get his flare ups.

They put him in the hospital for weeks. I feel so helpless but he has to take the time out to get his health back to help keep the MS symptoms at bay.

Get help ASAP being some symptoms can become serious fast.

Isabell

[Miyuki]

If there is one thing life has taught me, there is no such thing as "fair" in this world. Life will kick you when you're down, punish the innocent, reward the guilty, and cause needless suffering without any remorse. Please, don't let yourself become a victim of life's cruelty just for the sake of saving your pride. If you are really in a situation where you think you might die, you need to do whatever it takes to get yourself out of it, now! The boundary between life and death is an extremely fragile thing, and most people don't realize just how fragile it is until it's already too late...

[Eva Marie]

My opinion is that when you are facing serious health issues you need to be more concerned with staying alive and to heck with what anyone else thinks. Get thee to an ER stat!

[Miharu Barbie]

For all the things that you love to do in your life, for all that brings you joy and happiness, you absolutely must take care of yourself.  Until you find out what is going on and begin the process of making a full recovery, nothing in this life matters more than seeking out medical experts who are there to help you recover and maintain your health.  They are there to help... let them do that.

[Alainaluvsu]

I want to say this isn't about pride. It's about the disgust of my life. I hate... HATE being transsexual. I'd be a cis gender whatever any day of the week. Idk what sex. The disgust and anger with what kind of cards I've been dealt can't be explained.

Let me vent a little more.

Let's say this is MS (which I think it is, regardless of the MRI). MS costs up to $70,000 a year to treat. I have enough trouble getting a job as a disabled transsexual. Add on to that my mom is retiring soon and I am her only child. She's counting on me to help her with retirement. How in the **** am I suppose to do that? There's no way I could work right now. I'm falling asleep every couple hours.

I hope it is a blood vessel that busts. This is a terrible life. I'm seriously ready to go.

[Nicolette]

I totally understand this shame. It's how I felt for many years. I had been avoiding hospitals except for cosmetic surgeries, where I knew exactly who I was dealing with. Get your mum, or a close friend, who can speak on your behalf, to accompany you to hospital so that they can explain your situation to the right professionals and make sure they stay with you.

[Adam (birkin)]

Alaina, please consider going to the hospital. I promise you that I share that very same fear, of being seen pre-op, but for the most part medical professionals are compassionate and discreet if there is a sensitive situation like this. I realize it will be embarrassing and uncomfortable for you, but your life is worth that temporary discomfort.

[Jess42]

Like other have said, you need help ASAP. Medical professionals could care less other than trying to help you and chances are fairly high that you ain't gonna be the first pre op transexual that they have seen.

[Alainaluvsu]

I know medical professionals couldn't care less. It's not about them not caring. I just do not want to be seen by anybody. I can't even bring myself to be naked around men that are in to me. The hospital I'd go to have seen many transsexuals and they're pretty whatever about the topic.  It's not about what they think, it's personal discomfort and disgust with myself that it'll bring. I'm not embarrassed about it as much as I just hate my body THAT much.

[Nicolette]

You are your mother's only daughter and I bet she's a proud mum. I know I would be. From what you've written in the past, it sounds like she really cares for you. Does she know of your current condition? Do you think she should know?

[Dee]

Add on to that my mom is retiring soon and I am her only child.

I'm bypassing the words of advice everyone else has shared here (and support), but if you're unwilling to go to the ER for yourself, go because of this.  It would be a tragedy for a mother to lose her only child for any reason.

I don't think we've actually spoken in the forums before, but your transition and advice really helped me when I needed it.  And from what I remember reading (semi-stalking) your posts, you two are very close.  Transgendered or not, this is a relationship so few of us get to have.  Please, if for no other reason, get yourself to an ER.