Hello,
I just signed up for this site as I could definitely use some support, and it would be nice to know that I'm not alone. So without further ado, I'll give a brief 10,000ft overview of my particular situation. I'm currently 37 years old and struggling with gender issues. Ever since I was a child, I have been turned on by women and all the feminine things associated with them (their clothes, bodies, mannerisms and so on). Throughout my life I have fantasized about being a woman, I have cross dressed secretly in the confines of my home and have even and wished so many nights before going to bed that I would wake up in the morning as a woman. For the bulk of my life these thoughts were always a turn on for me...but nothing more. Fast forward to about 3 years ago, and life as I knew it took a very different turn. I was under extreme stress, and felt like I was going to crack. One night I started crying and told my wife that I thought I wanted to be a woman. We were both unnerved and started going to counseling both as a couple and as individuals. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me with a few different medicines to calm my nerves, stop my thoughts from racing and to try to keep me from going over the deep end. Unfortunately, I was completely ashamed of my thoughts and was so distraught that I attempted to take my own life on a few occasions. After one attempt I spent a week locked in the local hospital's mental health unit. My life had hit a rock bottom like I could never have imagined it would. After a lot of counseling and medication I got things back on track and the thoughts of becoming a female subsided - I was cured (or so I thought). Things went pretty well for about a year, and then recently I again started having the overpowering thoughts of wanting to be a woman. This time things are going a bit differently. My wife and I had a heart to heart talk, and she is extremely supportive of what ever I decide to do - be it transition or anything else...she just wants to know I'm okay and see me happy/healthy. Which brings me to where I am today. I have no idea what I want. On one hand, I want to start hormones and start to transition into the female body that I so badly desire. On the other hand, I'm full of fear. What will people think, how will they treat my family? What if I transition and do not look passable and then hate myself for making the attempt? I don't want to look like a freak. Another huge concern of mine is the fact that I'm not in the least bit feminine acting...I know how I feel on the inside, but there is no sign of that on the outside. I don't even know how to act feminine. I have a wife and 2 young children - what happens to all of us should I decide to move forward and transition? It's killing me to think of how this will effect my kids and how it will confuse them. Finally, the last piece of the puzzle...I'm 100% into women. Even if I become a female, I only want to be with females. After all is said and done, I still love my wife and I can't imagine losing her...I'm so confused.
