Starting over at a new salon, worth mentioning my gender issues?

[jaybutterfly]

Ok, for the last few years Ive been keeping my hair long, and my go-to hair salon accepted that for a long time, however this week I was put with a new guy who, after I told him I was growing it, said 'yes' and proceeded to cut almost all of my hair off save my fringe. It spiked my dysphoria massively and I was still expected to pay full price with no apology. I have written them a stern letter that it is unreasonable after I protested to him and the dresser continued to chop off my hair. I was given a pathetic excuse of an apology and they were adement I don't even get a discount.

I have had it corrected as best as possible at a Toni and Guy that has opened nearby (still short, but its a pixie cut now, so at least it looks more feminine. Since this place did a good job of it and is nearer my house, I am considering going there. Only thing I will say is, when I mentioned I was growing it, they seemed to be wanting to push me to men's styles.

Now I don't know if it's a smart idea to bring up my gender stuff with them so they understand for the future points, but the stylist I had didn't seem to get it when I said I prefer longer, less masculine styles. Is it worth it?

[bev_c]

There is no reason to disclose your trans history. They are hairdressers not doctors.

Finding one that does as they are told is difficult. My cis-women friends constantly complain about it. My advice to you is ask some women you trust who they use and get the stylist's name as well as the salon's name.

[FTMDiaries]

Sorry this has happened to you.

I've always found that hairdressers tend to go by their own assumptions of what they think will suit a client's face. This is actually part of their training: they're trained to take the client's wishes into account but to customise the requested haircut for what they think will suit the client's face shape and hair - and perceived gender. This is because everyone & their dog goes into the salon wanting the latest trendy cut... but it only suits a small minority of people so the stylist will have to adapt it or give you something else that they think is better. This means that your wishes are only part of their mental processes when they decide how they're going to customise the cut.

You don't have to outright tell them about your gender issues if you don't want to... but when I was early in my transition I found it helpful to very clearly specify that I wanted my hair cut in a masculine style, and that I didn't want them to customise a masculine-looking cut into a feminine version because they might think I'd want a female version of it. Perhaps you might want to start by insisting that your hair is to be cut in a feminine style and must not be customised to look more masculine?

I also found it quite handy that there are quite a few gay hairdressers around. I found a few good ones and asked to speak to them privately before the cut. I'd then explain that I'm undergoing transition so although my face looked feminine I needed my hair cut in a masculine style. That always worked a treat and I got some great hairstyles that way.

[Valleyrie]

Ahh, that sounds so frustrating! I'm sorry to hear that jaybutterfly, I'd hate for something like that to happen to me and it's pretty much why I cut my own hair. You don't need to disclose any of that. Just tell them it's what you prefer and that's how you like it. Try be more specific with them and tell them exactly what you want done. I hope I helped!

[Brenda E]

Same thing happened to me - rogue hairstylist went nuts with the scissors even after I told her I wanted to keep my hair long.  And it's the worst feeling in the world: you can see it happening right in front of you, but you're too polite to speak up at the first sign of trouble.

I'm planning on disclosing to my next hairstylist.  I see no other way of guaranteeing that she sees/treats me as female when it comes to my hair.  Sure, I shouldn't have to disclose that fact because in a perfect world hairstylists would follow my directions like I ask them to, but I'm tired of the constant mistakes and miscommunication.

If haircut mistakes are an issue you'd really want to avoid, then you've got to give the stylist the information they need to serve you properly.  If you want a girl's haircut, you've gotta tell them.  They have far better things to do with their time than gossip to one another about a transgirl's hair, and they've probably seen clients like you a thousand times before and it's no big deal.

[jaybutterfly]

Same thing happened to me - rogue hairstylist went nuts with the scissors even after I told her I wanted to keep my hair long.  And it's the worst feeling in the world: you can see it happening right in front of you, but you're too polite to speak up at the first sign of trouble.

I'm planning on disclosing to my next hairstylist.  I see no other way of guaranteeing that she sees/treats me as female when it comes to my hair.  Sure, I shouldn't have to disclose that fact because in a perfect world hairstylists would follow my directions like I ask them to, but I'm tired of the constant mistakes and miscommunication.

If haircut mistakes are an issue you'd really want to avoid, then you've got to give the stylist the information they need to serve you properly.  If you want a girl's haircut, you've gotta tell them.  They have far better things to do with their time than gossip to one another about a transgirl's hair, and they've probably seen clients like you a thousand times before and it's no big deal.

The worst part of it was I did insist he stop, he didnt. It was later made apparent the stylist doesn't actually speak much English if at all, so how he's working in England without someone to at least translate for him is beyond me.

The new place I did specify feminine haircuts and they handed me a list of men's style references, so I think I might need to bring it up if it happens again, but only as something the staff should make a note of, discreetly.

[Valleyrie]

You're like me Brenda, I'm too scared and polite to say anything so I try to avoid situations like that most of the time. That sort of reminds me of this time I went to get a haircut with my brother. This dude was just chopping away with the scissors at my brother's hair and I was just sitting there with a big smirk on my face combined with something like o.0. I can only imagine something like that happening to me, I don't know what I'd do except freak out inside haha. Brenda makes a good point though, I've had that happen to me several times where mistakes and miscommunication were made. It's really up to you to disclose any of that information just be cautious about it.

[bev_c]

And it's the worst feeling in the world: you can see it happening right in front of you, but you're too polite to speak up at the first sign of trouble.

Polite?

You have to live with this "mistake" for months, so it is worth making a fuss. A piece of advice I was given is "Just stand up". If you get out of the chair they will stop. Then you can tell them what is wrong.

[AnneB]

There are chairs in the salons, there are magazines, there are pictures on the wall, pick one that you want, point to it, and say "this is what I want".

I told my hairdresser directly, (after a deep breath), "I am going thru a change, and I need a feminine cut". She understood perfectly.  I got the color and cut advice I needed, and she had been doing my hair for almost a year before I told her this.  So even tho she had been cutting my hair short (think military cut), she did exactly what I expected of her.

Hairdressers are not mind readers.  You MUST tell them exactly what you have in mind.  If you can't, point at a picture and say, "that".   If they come at you with a hedge trimmer, stab them in the heart with their own scissors.  (I'm kidding, but you know what I mean)

[jaybutterfly]

There are chairs in the salons, there are magazines, there are pictures on the wall, pick one that you want, point to it, and say "this is what I want".

I told my hairdresser directly, (after a deep breath), "I am going thru a change, and I need a feminine cut". She understood perfectly.  I got the color and cut advice I needed, and she had been doing my hair for almost a year before I told her this.  So even tho she had been cutting my hair short (think military cut), she did exactly what I expected of her.

Hairdressers are not mind readers.  You MUST tell them exactly what you have in mind.  If you can't, point at a picture and say, "that".   If they come at you with a hedge trimmer, stab them in the heart with their own scissors.  (I'm kidding, but you know what I mean)

if we are talking about my first one: Please refer to the post where I stated it came out he doesnt understand english and went rogue on me.

Otherwise, refer to the same post, the part where I mentioned prefering feminine styles and was then asked to pick a style for guys.

[AnneB]

Yes, I did read that his English was non translatable... And he went on merrily snipping away.. Read my part about stabbing him in the heart with his own shears. 

If you don't give the male styles card or recommends back to them and tell them -exactly- what you want, then how do you expect them to know? 

You order a salad and the waiter brings a burger..  Would you pay for that? Send it back, or just eat it?  Seems like you're just going to ask for mustard and ketchup to me.. 

Point and say "I want this!"  How hard is that?

[bev_c]

Please refer to the post where I stated it came out he doesnt understand english and went rogue on me.

I would not accept a stylist I cannot talk to.

Perhaps part of the problem is that women and men expect different things from hairdressers?

When I used to use a barber, I did not want talk. I expected him tidy was was on my head and charge me a few quid for the work.

Nowadays I expect tea (or coffee) whilst I wait, my hair to be washed and conditioned and then a chat while she works both about what she is doing to my head and her life and mine. That is generally what women want from their hairdressers. Now a cut'n'blow costs £25, not £5

It came as a shock to me. I was fortunate that I went with two cis-women and saw how they interacted. Not being able to talk to the stylist would be a BIG issue. Being previously socialised as a male did not prepare me for the difference.

[AnneB]

I use a lot of metaphors.  so ...

If you hire a painter to paint your house brown and he begins to slap on red paint, do you let him finish or stop and get a different painter?

You said the salon kept giving you male styles to choose.. point and say "no, I want this one" or walk out. Doesn't matter if you're in the UK, US or USSR.. if you sat there and let them -give- you -their- choice then why are you complaining?  Why did you even pay the first place? (Non English speaking), why stay at the second one? 

You walked in wanting a Ferrari, and walked out with an Opel.

You don't have to tell them you are trans unless you want to, but tell them you want a specific cut, and hairdresser.  You are paying for it, not them.

[Jess42]

No. You don't have to mention anything about your gender status. You are paying them to provide you with what you want, I would not have paid. Actually when he would have kept butchering my hair after I told him to stop I think a lot of four letter words would have been said from me. Not speaking english is no excuse. The word No, shaking your head, raising your hand to stop him or just pushing his arm away to get the shears away from your hair are universal that you are not satisified and to stop. Ain't no way I would have been polite and let him go on.

But.. it seems the other salon honored your wishes so I would stick with them.

[Natalia]

I don't believe you need to tell, unless you feel good about telling it.

Just make it clear you don't want it cut because you are growing it.

Yesterday I went to a salon too, and I called one girl and said to her "hey, I've been growing my hair for a time now, but it is still too short here and here and I would like a way to fix it and cover this bald spots, perhaps a hair straightening"

She told me to go to another girl to have my hair washed and the girl there asked if I was going to have it cut...I replied a huge "nooooo!"

But after that, no problems! Actually, perhaps the girl could read my mind and she made the straightening and left my hair with a very feminine appearance! I couldn't even believe! =D

[AnneB]

Natalia, only thing is, if you do not tell them the style, or more pointedly, the reason for the style, they will continue to fall back to "looks like a boy, it's all I know how to cut" type thinking, they will fall back on that.. If you say "I want a fem cut" then I believe they will now have a proper frame of mind, from which to draw

[Lyric]

Paula's line of simply saying "I am going thru a change, and I need a feminine cut" seems perfect. You don't have to go though a long history. The stylist just needs to know what kind of style you want.

The most important thing, I think, is shopping for a good stylist rather than a good salon. Most salons these days want to be able to just assign every walk-in with the next stylist available, but the unspoken secret is you don't have to go along with that. It's perfectly acceptable to ask for a particular stylist every time. I suggest that once you find a stylist you like, find out her/his hours & days and, if possible, even make appointments. If the stylist leaves the salon, follow her/him to the new salon. Do this and you'll never have this sort of problem again. Don't and you'll have to go through this every time you go in.

[AnneB]

But.. it seems the other salon honored your wishes so I would stick with them.

Jess, that's not how I read it (but then, I was a math major)..  They listened, but kept giving recommendations for a masculine style..

The new place I did specify feminine haircuts and they handed me a list of men's style references, so I think I might need to bring it up if it happens again, but only as something the staff should make a note of, discreetly.


Time to tell them adios because they were not listening.

[Jess42]

Jess, that's not how I read it (but then, I was a math major)..  They listened, but kept giving recommendations for a masculine style..

The new place I did specify feminine haircuts and they handed me a list of men's style references, so I think I might need to bring it up if it happens again, but only as something the staff should make a note of, discreetly.


Time to tell them adios because they were not listening.

Your right Paula, I missed that part. But at least in the end though. Best thing just let it grow and you can trim the ends fairly easy yourself. Once it gets to a certain length then people will see that you actually want it left long and actually take the hint. Best thing is to find a really small shop that may actually listen to what you want instead of making assumptions.

[Emily1996]

I don't have this problem, I started cutting my own hair since I was 14 because going to a salon made me more dyphoric as my mom ordered them to buzz cut all of my hair, while on my own I could leave something there to make it a pixie cut at least... So yeah even when I cut my own hair I like to google picture, and such... and sometimes when I cut my sister hairs she tells me how to make it very clearly... Don't be shy, and yell at them if it's not what you want! XD I know it's hard to do because I'm very shy too....