Be jealous of everything

[Ms Grace]

I posted this in another thread that might not get many eyeballs, it received a good response there and I figured it might be useful to share more widely.

I had this problem for many years, and if know many if us likewise often have intense feelings of jealousy towards cis people of our identified gender...during my first transition attempt I spent a whole bus trip home crying because I "wasn't as pretty as the beautiful women on the bus". Ugh. Anyway, I have worked through my envy and jealousy issues over the last twenty or so years. I have to say I don't envy anyone for their lives anymore, not for a few years anyway. I read this article a few weeks back and it gave me an angle on jealousy that I think I've been utilising but without realising it.

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4 Difficult Ways to Simplify Your Life (That Are Worth It) (by Daniel O'Brien/ on Cracked) - Point #3: You Have to Be Jealous of Everything

"If you choose to be jealous of someone, you have to be jealous of everything." It sounds simple, and maybe you had that thought before, but you're much smarter than me. I'd never considered it, but it's important. The times that I'd been jealous, I'd been jealous of an opportunity that another person got. Or I'd been jealous of someone else's relationship. Or I'd been jealous of someone else's height, or rent, or patience, or ability to grow substantial facial hair, or any other damn thing. But you can't do that. You can't pick one thing to be jealous of. If you're going to be jealous of someone's nice car, you have to be jealous of everything else in that person's life. Are they living in a terrible apartment in a bad part of town to be able to pay for that car? Then you have to be jealous of that, too. Are they insecure enough that they think they need a nice car in order to be liked? Then you have to be jealous of that, too. It's not a straight trade. You don't get to trade your shortcomings for someone else's best assets. It's a package deal. It's the full suite, or it's nothing.

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Many people may seem to be having "great lives" because they are cis, but a lot of that is the very tip of a not so great iceberg. For trans women, the pretty cis woman you are jealous of might have incredible insecurities about her appearance, eating disorders, period cramps, a family history of breast cancer, candida/thrush, had a miscarriage and/or a violent unappreciative boyfriend, etc - can you be jealous of any or all of that too?

[Dee Marshall]

I was actually kind of aware of that from another angle.

As some of you know, I manage a psychiatric rehab. In my field you're encouraged not to share your private life. I think this causes our clients to assume that only mentally ill people have problems and the rest of us have perfect lives.

I can see this being a big problem for us, too.

Everyone's life looks perfect from the outside, everyone's job looks easy.

If things look that way to you, you don't know enough about the person or the job.

[Ms Grace]

Yes, I think this was the start of it for me too. Some twenty years ago I said to my psychotherapist that I thought she was "so together" and she challenged me on that, made me realise she was just another person with her own problems and issues. Turned my perception of role models and envy on its head.

[Rachel]

I think that perspective helps a lot to see a bigger picture and perhaps everyone has there share of problems.

[rfhaas]

I had an incident a couple of months ago that was actually one of the catalysts for my accepting my female self. I'm a nurse and I found myself being terribly mean to a beautiful co-worker. When I saw how upset she was I was crushed and started doing some soul searching. I realized I was (kinda still am) very jealous of her looks and demeanor. I have always respected her brains (they match mine, haha) but I had to admit to myself that I wished I was her.

[rosinstraya]

I think that's very sound advice Grace.

From another angle - in the past I got frustrated about how I was trying to help disadvantaged people in my work and life, but at the same time I still couldn't get my own life straight. I suspect they saw me as "lucky" and "together"...yeah, it wasn't really the case. What we see in a moment or a short meeting is no more than a snapshot of how others live.

[Ayden]

It's good advice. Despite my irritation with Cracked recently, I'm a fan of DOB. John Cheese writes a lot of similar articles that have made me think and are on a similar vein.

[luna nyan]

Grace,

Good point that is easy to lose track of.

People reckon I have it all and have it all together.  If only they knew...

I wouldn't wish aspects of my life on anyone.

[Brenda E]

You don't get to trade your shortcomings for someone else's best assets. It's a package deal. It's the full suite, or it's nothing.

Thank you so much for sharing that, Grace!  It's so unbelievably helpful in getting me to immediately reconsider some of the things that I spend far too much time being jealous of that I had to give it a +1 reputation.  Then I saw that three others had beaten me to it, but who cares: it's +10 quality material.

You ever thought of becoming certified as a therapist? You have a natural talent for helping us all sort ourselves out.

[Ms Grace]

You ever thought of becoming certified as a therapist? You have a natural talent for helping us all sort ourselves out.

Well, I did consider it once. But I'm not sure I'd be able to cope with it, dealing with other people's emotional and psychological problems in a clinical setting would be too hard for me to handle I think.

[Brenda E]

Surely your many successes would make it all worthwhile.

Anyway, thanks for making the world just that little bit better.  It's much appreciated.

[Felix]

That outlook is super useful, and is my primary filter for looking at people who live without major injuries or dependents as well as at cispeople. There is no human on earth who isn't carrying a set of onerous problems of some sort.

Buses, though. Public transit puts such a diverse mix of people together that the triggers that do arise can be difficult sometimes.

[Bombadil]

That's great. I might share it with a coworker of mine. I guess I've been sort of a mentor to her and she does the jealous thing. But she also does it so often with others. I try to reminder her of the perils of comparing but perhaps stated in this way she will get it.

So, I guess I would say that it's also true for comparing. If you say some is smarter, prettier, stronger, etc than yourself you have to compare it all. What did it take to be that smart? Is that person super smart and was hated all through their school years and carries those scars today? Is that prettier person considered a snob because as well as being pretty they are shy and the assumption is that it's snobbery? We just don't know what other people's lives hold.

We are human and we are going to feel the pang of envy or the desire to compare. When those feelings come it's a chance to learn and grow. Be curious. Wonder about the other person. What is their life really like? Wonder about yourself? What can I learn from these feelings? What opportunities are there for me? What do I have that I cherish?