Help! Please! My husband has went from best friend to bad friend! Rant!

[PrincessSweetPea]

   I'm sorry for posting here if it's wrong place but I NEED HELP ASAP! I FEEL LIKE I'M DIEING INSIDE! I need both trans and so opinions so I figured I post it in both forums.

(I'll be using he, my husband and his for clarity. I refer to him by his new name a proper pronouns at all times , it makes Kelly feel good)
    I've known my husband from the age of 15 to 25. That's 10 long years, we been together for 5 and married for 4. He became my best friend within a month of meeting. 6 month ago he came out as FTM and said he wanted to start transition!  I had suspected this for the last year but that's another story. I was nothing but loving and supportive and our journey started out great. It even brought us closer. I did his hair, his make up and help him pick out clothes and shoes.
    Now he's went from my best friend to a catty frienemy (pretend friend) overnight. I feel like everything in our home is a competition. I feel like for him to feel feminine he needs to out do me. It really hurts. I'm hoping you ladies can help me figure out if it hormones or if it's his new personality.  Here's how it all started.

  One day, about a month ago, I was getting dressed and he was watching as usual. I pulled on a plain black sweater dress and he said (exact quote, that's how much it hurt, I remember every word) " You know that makes you look cheap." I though he was joking and laughed. He then informed me that because of my large bust, I never look elegant or demure.  THE MAN LOVED MY BREAST until last month.

WAIT THERES MORE! Here a few of his other EXTREMELY hurtful remarks/deed. Yes all these in the last 30 days!

- I cooked a 4th of July dinner for my family and went all out he takes one bit and says " Your no Martha Stewart."

-Every time we're out and a male even glances in our direction, he informs me that he was checking him out .

-He insults just about  every item of clothing I put on and then suggests I give it to him.

-He critiques my hair and make up and overall appearance before we go out.

  I'm not innocent! It all built up and last night we were about to go to the movies. He started to tell me how "over done" my make up was and I  looked at him, ran my fingers over his Adam's apple and told him well at least I don't have one of those. I stormed out and went to my mother's, I'm still at her house.
   WHY IS HE DOING THIS??? Did anyone here ever feel like they were in competition with their spouse? Is it hormones? My mother is also filling my head with the idea that he's always been jealous of me and that's why he chose me to be with. He was a very jealous man before transition and would flip if another man looked at. My mother seems to think he wasn't jealous of the attention from the man but the fact they were directing their attention at me. He also seems to be taking a large interest in taking my things like clothes, make up and cramming in to my shoes. Did my husband really marry me for my things and befriend me in the basis of wanting to become like me?

I'm sorry for the rant. It's just my mother and I just had this conversation! I need second opinions. The thought of this being true makes me want to die. My husband was NEVER like this pre transition. He was loving, supportive and full of compliments. Was it all a rouse? Or do hormone really affect someone this much?

[Miyuki]

Hormones usually make someone who is transgender feel better and more at peace with themselves. They don't usually turn someone into a self-centered jerk... I have never actually been in a romantic relationship for many, many, reasons, but one of the biggest reasons was that I knew if I ever was in a relationship with a girl, I would end up resenting them for having the kind of body that I wished I could have. It's very possible that while your SO does care about you, they have been struggling with feelings of jealousy for the entire time they've known you, and those feelings are now finally starting to surface.

I have read so many stories here about relationships falling apart as someone transitioned, but usually it is the person who isn't transitioning that ends up wanting to end the relationship. It sounds like you are trying to be understanding and accepting of your SO, so I really doubt this is in any way your fault. Have you tried talking to them directly about what they have been saying to your lately and how it's been making you feel? I don't know what is going through your SO's head right now, but if they are lashing out at you like this then it could be a sign that they are really struggling with themselves internally (dysphoria often gets worse once you accept that you are transgender), and maybe it's something they don't feel like they can talk to you about.

[PrincessSweetPea]

I've  mentioned to him several times that it hurts when he says those things. I've also quit giving him the clothes he's rude about. I don't know what else to do. Thank you for replying. I have no idea how to make this stop. I've thought of dressing down but why should I change myself. It's just like an abusive husband making his wife dress down, they both feel insecure and project it on to their spouse. Sadly I think our relationship might end. If he doesn't change his attitude, I'll become worse, snap then leave for good. I also fear he'll leave me for someone that fits his new definition of attractive which is basically a Runway model. He now thinks very tall (I'm 5'8 not tall enough), very thin, flat chested women are the most attractive thing. What if he wants a partner similar to him and leaves me for one.

[Miyuki]

I've  mentioned to him several times that it hurts when he says those things.

How does he usually respond when you talk to him about it? Has he said anything that helped your understand why he's been saying these things? Maybe he doesn't even understand why he's doing it, and he needs some help to be able to figure it out.

I've also quit giving him the clothes he's rude about. I don't know what else to do. Thank you for replying. I have no idea how to make this stop. I've thought of dressing down but why should I change myself. It's just like an abusive husband making his wife dress down, they both feel insecure and project it on to their spouse. Sadly I think our relationship might end. If he doesn't change his attitude, I'll become worse, snap then leave for good. I also fear he'll leave me for someone that fits his new definition of attractive which is basically a Runway model. He now thinks very tall (I'm 5'8 not tall enough), very thin, flat chested women are the most attractive thing. What if he wants a partner similar to him and leaves me for one.

If you are trying your best to be supportive, that's all you can do. I'm sorry things have been going so badly, but transitioning is almost always an extremely stressful thing for a relationship, even when both people are trying their best to make it work. Maybe it's time to look for some outside help. Is your SO currently seeing a therapist? If they are, maybe you could talk about going to some therapy sessions with them to try and work things out.

[Kylie]

I wish I had words that would help, but I don't . I agree with what Miyuki said, it is likely the product of something she is struggling with internally, and not a reflection on you.  Partners who are truly accepting of our situation are not the norm, and usually are cherished.  I applaud you for being open to it and loving her for who she is.  That says a lot about your heart and who you are as a person.  I hate so much that you are in this situation, and I wish I could just give you a big hug.  Hopefully you are able to resolve this as it sounds like what you had was very special at one time, but whatever you do, do not blame yourself and allow yourself to be mistreated.  No one deserves to be mistreated, ever.

*hugs*

[PrincessSweetPea]

How does he usually respond when you talk to him about it him? Has he said anything that helped your understand why he's been saying these things? Maybe he doesn't even understand why he's doing it, and he needs some help to be able to figure it out.

If you are trying your best to be supportive, that's all you can do. I'm sorry things have been going so badly, but transitioning is almost always an extremely stressful thing for a relationship, even when both people are trying their best to make it work. Maybe it's time to look for some outside help. Is your SO currently seeing a therapist? If they are, maybe you could talk about going to some therapy sessions with them to try and work things out.

He's very anti therapy he said he doesn't want couples therapy because he feels I'll be able to manipulate the therapist do my background in psych. I would never do that! (I'm a third generation psych nurse, my mothers had 20+ years experience that's why I value her opinion but know it bias). He gives a half hearted apology and tried to say he's only be honest. I know you probably think I'm a pretty crappy psych nurse but you must understand it's like standing right infornt of a forest, you can't see all the trees when it's your own problems and those of your so.

[PrincessSweetPea]

I wish I had words that would help, but I don't . I agree with what Miyuki said, it is likely the product of something she is struggling with internally, and not a reflection on you.  Partners who are truly accepting of our situation are not the norm, and usually are cherished.  I applaud you for being open to it and loving her for who she is.  That says a lot about your heart and who you are as a person.  I hate so much that you are in this situation, and I wish I could just give you a big hug.  Hopefully you are able to resolve this as it sounds like what you had was very special at one time, but whatever you do, do not blame yourself and allow yourself to be mistreated.  No one deserves to be mistreated, ever.

*hugs*

*bear hug back* that means a lot to me

[stephaniec]

I've just skimmed through what you said because I'm quite tired, but I think you mentioned being a psyche nurse. if so you should have access to therapy for your self. honestly he sounds like he's having severe conflict and you need to protect your own sanity because it could be just the beginning of something severe.

[janetcgtv]

I gather that you had accidently typed FTM when you meant MTF.

You should tell him that you will not put up with his trash talking and that you will live with your parents until he changes his attitude. Because it can also get violent if nothing changes.
Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. The blame is HIS.
Also tell him that he needs professional help on why he is hostile to you as well his own gender issues.
Most spouses are very grateful that their spouse accepts them transitioning from MTF

I hope that he looks at your support you gave him and then apologizes what he did to you.

Love youself

[Miyuki]

He's very anti therapy he said he doesn't want couples therapy because he feels I'll be able to manipulate the therapist do my background in psych. I would never do that! (I'm a third generation psych nurse, my mothers had 20+ years experience that's why I value her opinion but know it bias). He gives a half hearted apology and tried to say he's only be honest. I know you probably think I'm a pretty crappy psych nurse but you must understand it's like standing right infornt of a forest, you can't see all the trees when it's your own problems and those of your so.

Honestly, if you're SO is having such severe trust issues that they won't even sit through a therapy session with you, I don't know what to tell you. Kylie is right, having such a supportive SO like you is a rare and precious thing, and I personally wish there were more people out there like you. All I can say is, if the time you've spent with your SO is important enough to you that you want to try and stick it out with them and be patient while they work through things, that's what you should do. But if you believe that they really no longer care about you and are doing these things because they want to drive you away, you shouldn't feel obligated to put up with it for the sake of someone who doesn't really want to be with you anymore. Unfortunately, I can't tell you which answer is right, it's something you'll have to decide for yourself.