In the 5 Month Doldrums

[f_Anna_tastic]

HI everyone, I am just after some more motivation.  I am 29 years old (30 in July) and just hit my 5 month mark on Hormones, so am now going into my 6th.  I really feel like I have lost a lot of momentum during the last month and that not much happened.

My HRT dosages are fine so I am just guessing this is a bit of period i need to get through.  I keep telling myself to be patient, to focus on other things and let the hormones work their magic but i keep going into negative spirals, thinking I am too old, that I won't get a good reaction to them, that they will work on anyone but me.

My hair is in that really awkward hobbit stage. 

Since starting HRT in October i have:

1. Come out to my all my family and got great support
2. Come out at work and received great support
3. I have come out to a few of my old social circle (so far so good)
4.  Started laser (had 5 sessions)
5. Started electrolysis (2.5 hours so far)
6. Attended two vocal therapy lessons (voice is started to come along but still needs much more work)
7. Presented as female as often as i can (i am a police officer so am not full time at work yet due to my day to day interactions with the public)

So, i have not been idle.  My mental state is so much better than it used to be, I still have dysphoria but it is lessened and has changed somewhat into this negative

Yet i look at some girls who are living full time at my stage and look a million times more feminine than me.  I watch HRT videos on YouTube and some girls at my stage are incredible (Yes i know YMMV.)

I have a lot of things to look forward to:

My ears pierced
My eyebrows threaded
Hair Extensions

But until the hormones kick in a little more I have no chance of passing and as such don't feel ready to go full time at work. 

Does everyone go through this stage? How did you motivate yourself to keep going? How do you keep the faith that the hormones will work.  My mind is already changing and i absolutely ADORE who i am now on the inside.  I just want my outside to catch up.

Sorry for this meandering post.

I need to raise my sail and catch a headwind. 

[AnneB]

Hi Anna, first off, welcome!!  A terrific first post too!  oh what I would not give to have been able to start lots earlier in life! (I'm 55).  It seems you're about the median age for finally coming to grips with the battle inside us, and doing something about it.  And I am at the 5mos point too, kinda coasting  waiting for further development (I'm a B now).  Mom and sister are D's so I'm a bit apprehensive as to what full size will be.

Hair... ikr??!!  Starting younger also means you are more likely to still have lots of hair.. it sux getting old and losing a lot of it, so no free-flowing locks for us older girls.

I am really happy that your family, friends, and work support you.  I haven't told my family yet, but after my 5mos on herbals, I am kinda astounded they haven't really connected the dots.  These B's sticking out should make it plainly obvious, but then, my wife would be one of those that you are following for miles before she realizes there's a police car behind her.  Not very SA at all.  So her not noticing.. I just wanna shake mah hed sometimes.

I have told two of my coworkers, one of which is our own transgirl, and now, my muse.  We spent several hours last week talking how things are going to go for me, both in my transition and at work.  She had a wealth of info, and said that mgmt. is totally supportive of transitioning girls.  I hope your mgmt. is the same.  The other girl I let in, is one of my best friends here.. we've known each other almost 15yrs, so she was my first friend to let in and she's totally supportive too.

How were your laser sessions?  I had my first electrolysis demo last week, and while it reeeeally stung, it didn't last long.  abt 30 mins of red spots and I was back to looking normal.  My whiskers are mostly black with some white mixed in, so laser would be good for clearing most of the chin and face, and electrol for the lighter hairs.  I and so taken by shaving my legs and arms, that I may just keep doing it forever.

I have a really good voice app on the ipad I've been using, and I sing high anyway so my range is ok, just have to work on volume control.

As for being FT at work.. well.. I'm in the airlines and the one I am with (largest in the world now), has two other trans-girls.. I will make, three..  so unless I make it a point of saying goodbye to everyone getting off, I'll only get seen walking thru the concourses.  It still is going to terrify me more than a double engine failure.  One thing I have really noticed.. the cis-girl flt attendants have really changed towards me.. maybe they sense I'm not in male-predator mode anymore and are much more open, closer, friendlier.  The guys I fly with.. that is going to be strange, for both of us.

Those YT videos.. ikr?!!!  I can barely keep from crying watching them change over the months and years, even tho I know, I am doing the same as they are.  If I look a quarter as good as they do, I would be overjoyed!

Ear piercing, brow thinning are on the list of things to do also.. not sure when..  I am still just terrified how the family will take this.  We'll be married 30yrs in Dec. with two grown girls, one still at home.

How have I kept going?  Not missing a dose in 150days?  I think, by knowing what I have felt like the last 50+yrs and how I can fix that.  Like you, my mind is so much better than it was.  The body will catch up.  All those YT videos prove that.  Our time, and our turn, will come too.

And you didn't meander.  We have all strolled that path too!  (((hugs)))

Anne

[suzifrommd]

But until the hormones kick in a little more I have no chance of passing and as such don't feel ready to go full time at work. 

Does everyone go through this stage? How did you motivate yourself to keep going? How do you keep the faith that the hormones will work.  My mind is already changing and i absolutely ADORE who i am now on the inside.  I just want my outside to catch up.

I have bad news, dear. Hormones are not guaranteed to make you more passable. Some people they do. Some people they don't. I would imagine it's very frustrating to wait and not know.

But there is a lot you can do to pass, even without the help of hormones. You've listed a bunch of them here.

I remember hearing myself say "I have no chance of passing." And it was true. I didn't pass. Until I did. Until I got the wig just right, until I obscured my eyebrow ridge with the right glasses, until I perfected my speech. All of a sudden, no one was staring, and everyone was assuming I'd been a woman all my life.

My suggestion is not to wait for hormones. My suggestion is to enjoy your life as a woman at whatever passability you can achieve. Some of the happiest transwomen I know do not pass and don't care - they just love the opportunity to live as their true selves.

I really hope this helps.

[KayXo]

My suggestion is not to wait for hormones. My suggestion is to enjoy your life as a woman at whatever passability you can achieve. Some of the happiest transwomen I know do not pass and don't care - they just love the opportunity to live as their true selves.

I really hope this helps.

Very true! But, passing (to myself, seeing a woman in the mirror) still matters to me. I wish I could be like these women...but I'm not. One must also not strive for an ideal, but acknowledge reality as it is, right now and maybe, hopefully, it will eventually change on its own, naturally, so that we just won't care. But to deny our reality and pretend that we don't care also doesn't do us any good. We must remain with our truth.

So, good advice but at the same time, we must work with we have at the moment.

[f_Anna_tastic]

Hi Anna, first off, welcome!!  A terrific first post too!  oh what I would not give to have been able to start lots earlier in life! (I'm 55).  It seems you're about the median age for finally coming to grips with the battle inside us, and doing something about it.  And I am at the 5mos point too, kinda coasting  waiting for further development (I'm a B now).  Mom and sister are D's so I'm a bit apprehensive as to what full size will be.

Hair... ikr??!!  Starting younger also means you are more likely to still have lots of hair.. it sux getting old and losing a lot of it, so no free-flowing locks for us older girls.

I am really happy that your family, friends, and work support you.  I haven't told my family yet, but after my 5mos on herbals, I am kinda astounded they haven't really connected the dots.  These B's sticking out should make it plainly obvious, but then, my wife would be one of those that you are following for miles before she realizes there's a police car behind her.  Not very SA at all.  So her not noticing.. I just wanna shake mah hed sometimes.

I have told two of my coworkers, one of which is our own transgirl, and now, my muse.  We spent several hours last week talking how things are going to go for me, both in my transition and at work.  She had a wealth of info, and said that mgmt. is totally supportive of transitioning girls.  I hope your mgmt. is the same.  The other girl I let in, is one of my best friends here.. we've known each other almost 15yrs, so she was my first friend to let in and she's totally supportive too.

How were your laser sessions?  I had my first electrolysis demo last week, and while it reeeeally stung, it didn't last long.  abt 30 mins of red spots and I was back to looking normal.  My whiskers are mostly black with some white mixed in, so laser would be good for clearing most of the chin and face, and electrol for the lighter hairs.  I and so taken by shaving my legs and arms, that I may just keep doing it forever.

I have a really good voice app on the ipad I've been using, and I sing high anyway so my range is ok, just have to work on volume control.

As for being FT at work.. well.. I'm in the airlines and the one I am with (largest in the world now), has two other trans-girls.. I will make, three..  so unless I make it a point of saying goodbye to everyone getting off, I'll only get seen walking thru the concourses.  It still is going to terrify me more than a double engine failure.  One thing I have really noticed.. the cis-girl flt attendants have really changed towards me.. maybe they sense I'm not in male-predator mode anymore and are much more open, closer, friendlier.  The guys I fly with.. that is going to be strange, for both of us.

Those YT videos.. ikr?!!!  I can barely keep from crying watching them change over the months and years, even tho I know, I am doing the same as they are.  If I look a quarter as good as they do, I would be overjoyed!

Ear piercing, brow thinning are on the list of things to do also.. not sure when..  I am still just terrified how the family will take this.  We'll be married 30yrs in Dec. with two grown girls, one still at home.

How have I kept going?  Not missing a dose in 150days?  I think, by knowing what I have felt like the last 50+yrs and how I can fix that.  Like you, my mind is so much better than it was.  The body will catch up.  All those YT videos prove that.  Our time, and our turn, will come too.

And you didn't meander.  We have all strolled that path too!  (((hugs)))

Anne

Thank you Anne for the lovely reply!  I am glad to see your own journey is going so well!

Coming out to people has been a massive weight off my mind.  It is also quite final, as in, you can never ever un come out.  As someone who tried hiding everything about myself away for years, being terrified of what people might think it was a relief when i finally came to terms with myself and said: "Who cares? I'm not ashamed of it.  Why am i acting like i am?"

The youtube videos are a killer.  It just happens so fast in them haha.  And it makes my own progress seem agonizingly slow.. like my title says, they are racing in the winds and i'll struggling to catch a little whiff of air.  All good things in time i suppose.  That is what i need to remember.  I guess i just want to know that this is a phase everyone goes through.

And i'm like you.  I have never missed a dose.. which is remarkable for me as i am atrocious at taking medication!

[f_Anna_tastic]

I have bad news, dear. Hormones are not guaranteed to make you more passable. Some people they do. Some people they don't. I would imagine it's very frustrating to wait and not know.

But there is a lot you can do to pass, even without the help of hormones. You've listed a bunch of them here.

I remember hearing myself say "I have no chance of passing." And it was true. I didn't pass. Until I did. Until I got the wig just right, until I obscured my eyebrow ridge with the right glasses, until I perfected my speech. All of a sudden, no one was staring, and everyone was assuming I'd been a woman all my life.

My suggestion is not to wait for hormones. My suggestion is to enjoy your life as a woman at whatever passability you can achieve. Some of the happiest transwomen I know do not pass and don't care - they just love the opportunity to live as their true selves.

I really hope this helps.

Heya. I totally understand this.  I think the problem is that i know, if the hormones work well, I am pretty sure i will pass.  I think i feel a massive weight of expectation.  People, especially at work, will be waiting to see how i look.  I want them to have their first image of me as a good one.  I don't want people saying "oh remember what she looked like at the start."

They are all on high alert as it is, now that it is out, watching for any changes.

I guess i just want to be the best i can be and although it is hard to not be full time yet i think the longer i can hold off the better.   I am in a confrontational job where people often want to pick a fight with me, I really need to be as confidant as i can be in myself.

[AnneB]

People, especially at work, will be waiting to see how i look.  I want them to have their first image of me as a good one.  I don't want people saying "oh remember what she looked like at the start."

I keep in mind, it took a long time for Phyllis Diller to look as good as she does, so I'm hopeful   

[PrincessDayna]

Passing, is a funny thing.  You should see where I've come from, and I had those doubts all the time. All u can do is keep going forward. All I can say on passability is once you no longer fret over it, and the social anxiety it brings..it sorta has a way of "falling into your lap" as having been nothing but a doubt. And the (insert month number blues here)- is pretty common. They hit me month four, I'm a week or two from month nine and they just departed. One day I was passable, when the day before I wasn't and no longer cared for that word.

[AnneB]

Dayna, if I look even half as beautiful as your pic, I'd be overjoyed!

And I wanted to ask, along the lines of passing, and not wanting to hijack the thot here.. I found and started listening to EVA voice app.. What did/are you using to work your voice?  The voices in my head sound dead on, just the one coming out of my mouth is still my old one 

[PrincessDayna]

Omg aww, just saw this. Thank you, for the compliment. Even at thirteen monthes, I don't see it as strong as others, but I do see "myself" more as I look in the mirror, still not as often as I would like. As for the voice idk, I never really did any voice training I just never had an adams apple, so the deep voice thing got sonewhat but not a lot, softer then before. I have thought of those trainings, but some of those voices to me, I couldn't picture accomplishing- I'm not super stealth, I mean I transitioned in a semi small hometown, and I lived off and on for many years before just staying, people just say "that makes sense" when they find out. So no point in hiding if I could there without moving- and two, invisibility hurts us intersexed ppl as much as it does for trans people....so if asjed, I explain my condition, otherwise its usually just "miss" goodyear now with any strangers, and few people on occasion do glance, but that's all them lol.
That point being, youd be surprised how far confidence will get you. Some transitions dont even show for 2+years how we'd like, if ever. I am prepared for the if ever part, as should us all. Confidence, is what stopped the stares, I think- as well as just going full time early- one because I was super masculine and if estrogen never worked or my other meds controlling my adrenal glands, that I was going to be me regardless- and because I wanted to experience what say our older sisters did when that trial was mandatory. Yes, even being intersexed- because this is all our struggle. Misconceptions go both ways, and being in solidarity, we all must stand together.
My point is, after all- let go! Youd be surprised how far that goes. I am 100% sure you are way prettier then you are giving yourself credit for.

[AnneB]

I would give anything really, to be able to be accepted by my family (yeah, who wouldn't??!!) and continue my transition, but I'm actually, doing this thing to myself, wanting to keep my family together, but I came from a small town too, where everyone got their news from the bar.   Working on my voice, only when I'm alone, or in the car, makes things drag out.. I can sing in the range I want to speak, .. can hold my own with Christine Aguilera, or Taylor Swift, but actually speaking... I'm more of Bea Arthur, or June Allyson (my fav actress), much more raspy.

As for being prettier than I think I am.. I pass perfectly.. In a dark room.  With your eyes closed. And a blindfold. 

[PrincessDayna]

I would give anything really, to be able to be accepted by my family (yeah, who wouldn't??!!) and continue my transition, but I'm actually, doing this thing to myself, wanting to keep my family together, but I came from a small town too, where everyone got their news from the bar.   Working on my voice, only when I'm alone, or in the car, makes things drag out.. I can sing in the range I want to speak, .. can hold my own with Christine Aguilera, or Taylor Swift, but actually speaking... I'm more of Bea Arthur, or June Allyson (my fav actress), much more raspy.

As for being prettier than I think I am.. I pass perfectly.. In a dark room.  With your eyes closed. And a blindfold. 

Do you have facebook? If so feel free to add me, I have a few friends from on here, and am personal friends with many influential trans people....Kristin Beck in example. My girl Bam has been on youtube for a minute, and has awesome advice (im slightly under her wings) and shes been transitioning for well over 15+ years.

She actually has a video I think would really help you out a bit. I watch it when I get those "this is taking forevvvvv" type blues. A lot of young transitioners seem to forget many came before, and some are open and helping, she is one, and let me say if she wanted to be stealth she could.
Anyhow, im rambling, heres a link to her vid

[AnneB]

Thank you, sis..  I watched her, at times, I could not stop myself from giggling..  At one point, I said out loud, maybe you should switch to decaf.. But she has some good things, for everyone.  A point tho.. is.. She is young.. so much younger than I am.  So those that begin/began at such an earlier age, will get bigger and faster results than us old crons..  Im 55, so the average 3-5yr plan (eh, what's average?) will just mean, that some mortician will end up putting me in a blue dress, instead of a blue suit..  ik that's kind of defeatist, and I likely will have many more yrs ahead of me.. If wishes were horses, we'd all be ridin'...  I would have paid anything I had to just... do this 30yrs ago. Even 20.  But, Mr. Peabody and Sherman don't exist, so there is no Way-back machine to go back and fix this.  So it is what it is.  I'll make the best of it.

My journey is a slow one.  But I've got good progress, actually, really good growth for the time already spent (9mos)  and I am plodding along at my own pace.  3-5yrs.. Realistic.  I'm ok with that..

And I came out to 16 of my online girl friends this week, actually, told them I was not born female, my FB page was for my Anne mmorpg character, but I have been her for so long, they only knew me as female.  Well, of the 16 I told, 13 love me unconditionally, 3 I haven't heard from yet, and 5or 6 said they want to teach me hair, makeup and fashion, all the things mom never did. 

I just want to know, how is it possible for the human body to cry so many (happy) tears and not become dehydrated?? I should look like an insect husk found on a window sill!!   .  I was just overwhelmed at the response I got from them.  But in any event.. I will look you up.  I am on it under my name as well.  I have not come out to any of the guys on it tho, they only know me as fem, so I am not sure, what would happen if they would connect the dots.. There are a bunch of teens, late teens, twenty-something's in my list..  We were/are all mmorpg players, and there are a couple very very sweet guys (mostly older) on there that would just be crushed, so, I'm a bit nervous for that.

Thanks for you help PD, it is very much appreciated.  <3.  Hugs!