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Overcoming Self-Hate and Fear

Started by Jera, July 21, 2014, 12:29:48 AM

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StevieAK

There aren't words to describe what became a self loathing looking in the mirror and as said above the desire to die rather than see what stood before you.  The confusion of why do I hate myself so much?  Then the therapist telling me to change what I needed to change and the loathing to do so...what would people think?  Would I lose my family? Will my wife divorce me and take all our wealth? Yet the prorastination did nothing to hamper the desparation.  It did not matter because without giving in to become what my mind said I must I'd be dead.
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Allyda

Quote from: KaylaMadison on July 21, 2014, 12:47:47 AM
Lastly I hate that I lived so long trying to fit in and live up to everyone else expectations and goals that I passed by on so many years of happiness where I could have been a person that didn't hate themselves.

I'm done trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, and I'm just going to be me.
This ^^_____^^ statement really hit home with me. Though it was over 5 years ago when I said something like this to myself, it really brought on much empathy. I lost so, so many years of happiness due to other peoples expectations and things getting in the way every time I tried to transition.

Allie :icon_flower:
Allyda
Full Time August 2009
HRT Dec 27 2013
VFS [ ? ]
FFS [ ? ]
SRS Spring 2015



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Jera

After a few days to really think over what you all have said, as well as many hours reading countless experiences and stories shared across these forums, I think I do see the way forward.

Just being exposed to this community for a while has done much to lift the "Nobody Must Ever Know" mindset I've had for my whole life. Every single member of this community I have encountered or read about, I find amazing and admirable in some way. Every single one of you. You've all taught me that it really isn't so bad to share these things. So even though out of fear, I've hidden my dysphoria from all of the many therapists I've seen over the years, I think I might be ready to now.

I do also realize how important that step is, to resolve these issues one way or another. So that's priority number one in my life, even if my meager finances won't allow it to be possible for several months.

I think I will tell my mother, even if not at first. If HRT does turn out to be an effective treatment for me, then I'll be armed with more information to explain to her exactly why this is so important for me. I can only hope she accepts me for it.

I do not think I am at all ready to come out to anyone in my personal life. But I think that might be okay, for now. I think I will try to make an effort to connect with my siblings, and hopefully they'll grant me some time with my nieces and nephews. I want to spend these few months with them as best as I can, because I am very sure that coming out to them will be a goodbye.

So there is pain ahead, just as I have pain now. But I finally realize now, thanks to you, that I really have to decide for me, and me alone. Not for them.
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JulieBlair

Jera,
Thank you - You are brave and amazing.  If you are ever in the Seattle area, drop me a line - I would love to buy you coffee or a beer.  To understand that who we are is neither evil nor wrong took me decades.  There is no time line to authenticity.  There is no right or wrong way to do this, except to be true to yourself.  I waited until it was pretty obvious that I had tits, and until a lot of my beard was gone to come out to anyone but my closest friends.

If I can be of any help let me know.

Good Luck and Fair Winds,

Julie
I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy.  :D
Full Time 18 June 2014
Esprit can be found at http://espritconf.com/
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Allyda

Same here, If I can be of help let me know. A lot of what your experiencing many of us can relate to, and I'd hate to see anyone lose the best years of their lives due to fear of the unknown.

Allie :icon_flower:
Allyda
Full Time August 2009
HRT Dec 27 2013
VFS [ ? ]
FFS [ ? ]
SRS Spring 2015



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StevieAK

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 24, 2014, 08:56:52 AM
Jera,
Thank you - You are brave and amazing.  If you are ever in the Seattle area, drop me a line - I would love to buy you coffee or a beer.  To understand that who we are is neither evil nor wrong took me decades.  There is no time line to authenticity.  There is no right or wrong way to do this, except to be true to yourself.  I waited until it was pretty obvious that I had tits, and until a lot of my beard was gone to come out to anyone but my closest friends.

If I can be of any help let me know.

Good Luck and Fair Winds,

Julie

I had to laugh at the honesty of this..thanks, we are all made more real through this journey. I'd love to visit with so many here to hear their stories. All so varied with epic challenges and victories, wins and losses if ever you come to Alaska call me and I'll treat to martinis. 
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JulieBlair

Stevie,
Where in Alaska?  I fished the Bering Sea, Kodiak and SE, lived in Anchorage for a couple of years, and Juneau for 7.  Nice place, I still get to Juneau now and then.
j
I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy.  :D
Full Time 18 June 2014
Esprit can be found at http://espritconf.com/
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StevieAK

I live in Fairbanks but travel often. Yes, Alaska is epic and varied as are it's people.
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JulieBlair

Well you pretty much have to go through Seattle to get outside - I'd love to meet you for coffee when you are passing through.

Cheers,
j
I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy.  :D
Full Time 18 June 2014
Esprit can be found at http://espritconf.com/
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Allyda

Alaska?, burrrrrrrr too cold for me. It'd have to be mid summer for me to go there. And I'd still prolly be wrapped in layers of clothing. Not much meat on my bones, lol! No insulation.

I would like to sample the fishing though. I heard it's some of the best in the worls and I'm always up for catching fish cold or not.

Allie :icon_flower:
Allyda
Full Time August 2009
HRT Dec 27 2013
VFS [ ? ]
FFS [ ? ]
SRS Spring 2015



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StevieAK

Quote from: Allyda on July 24, 2014, 03:03:23 PM
Alaska?, burrrrrrrr too cold for me. It'd have to be mid summer for me to go there. And I'd still prolly be wrapped in layers of clothing. Not much meat on my bones, lol! No insulation.

I would like to sample the fishing though. I heard it's some of the best in the worls and I'm always up for catching fish cold or not.

Allie :icon_flower:


Haha just gotta eat babe. Sugar, dairy and flour will fatten you up. I have to admit the winters are getting colder and longer the older I get. My son's and I are going fishing this weekend and if you were here we'd go together.
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Allyda

Quote from: StevieAK on July 24, 2014, 04:03:20 PM
Haha just gotta eat babe. Sugar, dairy and flour will fatten you up. I have to admit the winters are getting colder and longer the older I get. My son's and I are going fishing this weekend and if you were here we'd go together.
But it's sooooo hard to lose though. I think I'll opt for the multi layers of clothing, lol!!

Allie :icon_flower:
Allyda
Full Time August 2009
HRT Dec 27 2013
VFS [ ? ]
FFS [ ? ]
SRS Spring 2015



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JulieBlair

Allyda,
Before you go fishing in the bush, picture mosquitoes that have proboscis' that can penetrate the hide of a moose.  Some of those suckers can drain babies in ten seconds flat. ;)
j
I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy.  :D
Full Time 18 June 2014
Esprit can be found at http://espritconf.com/
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Allyda

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 24, 2014, 06:02:14 PM
Allyda,
Before you go fishing in the bush, picture mosquitoes that have proboscis' that can penetrate the hide of a moose.  Some of those suckers can drain babies in ten seconds flat. ;)
j
Lmao he, he, he, he. Not too much worse than the ones down here in Florida. These penetrate alligators. I got plenty of fish here, and back home in Southern Cali to catch. While I'd love to see Alaska, I don't have the $$ so the Discovery channel programs will have to do for now. Besides my SRS is looming and I can't leave Florida until that is over and I've recovered.

Allie :icon_flower:
Allyda
Full Time August 2009
HRT Dec 27 2013
VFS [ ? ]
FFS [ ? ]
SRS Spring 2015



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~Kaiden

Jera, you replied to my post a couple days ago, so I know you know I'm kind of in the same place you are right now.  I'm glad being here with us on Susan's is helping you. :)  It only took me a matter of days after joining this forum to go from being so confused I felt like I had scrambled egg brain coming out of my ears, to finally coming to realize who I really am and actually starting to feel like I have some sort of identity.  It really makes a difference when you know you're not alone. :)

I have been struggling a lot lately too, flipping back and forth between wanting to burn through my transition and do it as fast as possible, and becoming absolutely terrified to the point of being totally paralyzed.  I think my biggest worry is that my dad and my grandfather and that whole side of my family will shun and disown me.  In fact, I'm almost certain that will be the outcome.  That is not something I'm sure I am ready to face.  But I don't want to be paralyzed and I don't want to push myself so hard I wind up giving myself a nervous breakdown. ::)  So, baby steps it is!  I think slow and steady has always been my natural pace, might not be too healthy to change that now. :laugh:

I also have those moments when I wonder if I even have the mental and emotional strength to go through with it at all.  I think that's the scariest thought.  But I refuse to believe that, because I just can't live this way. :P

Just go at your own pace.  Take the steps you feel most comfortable with when you feel like it's right.  This period feels so overwhelming and scary and impossible sometimes, but reading others stories gives me hope for both of us.  Seems a lot of people here have been through this stage and come out the other side.  It's good to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

I wish you luck when you decide to come out to your family.  I do hope there is a chance you can see a therapist sooner, but you will be okay.  Just do your best to think positive and keep your mind occupied.  And keep talking to us!  We will keep you busy. :D

If you ever need someone to talk to or just chat, feel free to sent me a PM. :)
Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song.
Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along.
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