No Respect

[Gina Taylor]

I've been living with my parents for the past few months again and just recently two very good friends have been talking about getting a place with me. We finally found a nice place and we plan on moving in on the first of October. Now my mom asked me if I've discussed my "lifestyle" with management because she's apparently spoken with my friends and even though they don't understand why I need to dress as a woman they have no respect for me just as my family has no respect for me either and my mom tells me that people that she knows tells her that I freak them out when they see me around town. It's not like I'm some grotesque creature that's walking around town, but comments like that hurt my inner self especially coming from my mom. So I told her that I had, and that the lady told me that they have no problem with me being a transsexual and that everyone basically keeps to themselves. My mom wishes that I would just get dressed behind closed doors and be happy with that. She doesn't understand why I need to "parade" myself around town, and why I'm losing friends because they don't approve. 

[alabamagirl]

*hugs*

Just remember that for every person who reacts negatively and doesn't understand, there is a person who does understand and is proud of you for being yourself. Hopefully those close to you will understand in time. Sometimes it does take quite a while, unfortunately.

[stephaniec]

a little confused , are the friends that don't respect what you do the ones your moving in with

[Jess42]

Yeah Gina, I'm with Stephanie on this one. I'm kind of confused. It doesn't really make much sense to move in with them if they have not respect for you. Or for that matter even being friends with them. Are you sure your mom may not be telling you a little white lie?

[rma85]

Parents aren't always the most sensitive to changes like this - but if your friends are true friends, they should stick by you. I'm also confused - are the friends you're living with / planning to live with , the ones who don't respect you? because if that's the case...best to likely get other living arrangements. 

[Suziack]

...spoken with my friends and even though they don't understand why I need to dress as a woman they have no respect for me just as my family has no respect for me...

(

Yeah, it's really perplexing to me why anyone would choose to live with someone who doesn't respect them. I don't see how that living arrangement could possibly work.

[suzifrommd]

I hope you're not fretting about what your mother thinks of you. Like you said, she has no understanding of what it means to be trans, so whatever she may think of you is uninformed, right?

[alabamagirl]

Maybe the friends don't approve, either, but she'd rather live with them than her mother. Heck, I'd rather live with friends than my mother, regardless of what they thought about my being trans. Mothers can be very overbearing. I would think the friends would be less vocal about their disapproval.

[Sephirah]

Forgive me, but it sounds to me like you're getting secondhand information from your mother, and it might not be entirely objective. She's telling you how people feel. And, based on how she herself feels, that may be designed to have an effect on you rather than just tell you how it is.

This might be a good opportunity to talk to your friends, find out what your mother has said to them, and maybe set the record straight if necessary. She obviously has a very subjective view of who you are, and how she feels about that may influence what she says to others. If she's given them an inaccurate view of who you are, and why you're living the way you want to live, then they only have that to go on, you know? Maybe you could sit down with them and have a discussion where you find out what they have been told, and then put your side of things across to them.

People who don't like you doing something can sometimes be... conservative with the truth, when it comes to trying to make you feel bad. She may be taking things said out of context, embellishing the emotional feelings behind them, and using them to have a very specific effect on you.

[Gina Taylor]

Forgive me, but it sounds to me like you're getting secondhand information from your mother, and it might not be entirely objective. She's telling you how people feel. And, based on how she herself feels, that may be designed to have an effect on you rather than just tell you how it is.

This might be a good opportunity to talk to your friends, find out what your mother has said to them, and maybe set the record straight if necessary. She obviously has a very subjective view of who you are, and how she feels about that may influence what she says to others. If she's given them an inaccurate view of who you are, and why you're living the way you want to live, then they only have that to go on, you know? Maybe you could sit down with them and have a discussion where you find out what they have been told, and then put your side of things across to them.

People who don't like you doing something can sometimes be... conservative with the truth, when it comes to trying to make you feel bad. She may be taking things said out of context, embellishing the emotional feelings behind them, and using them to have a very specific effect on you.

That's very insightful, and something that I should consider.  The suggestion of sitting down and explaining to these people of who and what I am sounds like a real winner and I've actually done that with a few people and believe me it really gave them a better idea of who and what I am, but my mom won't disclose who these people are because she feels that I'm an embarrassment to her because she doesn't understand and she just thinks that I'm just walking around dressed 'like' a woman instead of 'as' a woman.

Maybe the friends don't approve, either, but she'd rather live with them than her mother. Heck, I'd rather live with friends than my mother, regardless of what they thought about my being trans. Mothers can be very overbearing. I would think the friends would be less vocal about their disapproval.

I couldn't agree with you more. But after I texted them, they told me that hey have no problem with me being a trans. So I'm not sure on who I should believe.

I hope you're not fretting about what your mother thinks of you. Like you said, she has no understanding of what it means to be trans, so whatever she may think of you is uninformed, right?

You're absolutely right Suzi. I don't care what my mom thinks of me. This is my life and my problem and this is the best way that I've found to cure my problem, and yes she is so very much uninformed.

Yeah, it's really perplexing to me why anyone would choose to live with someone who doesn't respect them. I don't see how that living arrangement could possibly work.

It won't and that is why I'm right now looking for a room where I'm able to do what I want with no problems!

Parents aren't always the most sensitive to changes like this - but if your friends are true friends, they should stick by you. I'm also confused - are the friends you're living with / planning to live with , the ones who don't respect you? because if that's the case...best to likely get other living arrangements. 

It's from what my mom tells me is that they like me but they don't respect me because I'm a transsexual. So even though we'd be living together, I'd be walking on egg shells with them, because I'd be a woman most of the time and it's something that they don't approve of, because they've known me more as my male self and it's hard for them to convert to me being as a woman.

a little confused , are the friends that don't respect what you do the ones your moving in with

I was , but due to a situation, we're no longer moving in with each other.

*hugs*

Just remember that for every person who reacts negatively and doesn't understand, there is a person who does understand and is proud of you for being yourself. Hopefully those close to you will understand in time. Sometimes it does take quite a while, unfortunately.

Very good point there, and at least my girlfriend fully understands and congratulates me on my perceptive move against these so called friends.

[JordanBlue]

Where do I even start here?
If you're truly a transsexual on HRT, this is not a 'lifestyle'.  The term 'lifestyle' is reserved for fetishists and crossdressers.
Why would you even consider moving in with someone who doesn't accept you?    And this animosity with your Mom has been going on for months.  It's like she watches and tries to control every aspect of your life.  Why you haven't stopped that nonsense is completely beyond me.

[Gina Taylor]

Where do I even start here?
If you're truly a transsexual on HRT, this is not a 'lifestyle'.  The term 'lifestyle' is reserved for fetishists and cross-dressers. That's my mom's terminology. I think she still thinks of me as a cross-dresser and hasn't moved on from there. Even though I am a non-op transsexual, I still consider myself to be a transsexual.
Why would you even consider moving in with someone who doesn't accept you?  Half a year ago when I had presented my feminine self to them I thought they had accepted it, but they hadn't. And this animosity with your Mom has been going on for months.  It's like she watches and tries to control every aspect of your life.  Why you haven't stopped that nonsense is completely beyond me.

I realize that this animosity between myself and my mom has  can been going on for a long time. I do depend on her for certain things, but not for controlling my life. Unfortunately there are no compromises with her. She's told me that I can stay in HER house but I can not dress as a woman in her house and I have to come to work {which is for a family business} as a man because she will never accept me as a woman and so how can she respect me as a woman. Now you see when I had moved out from Jan- May, I felt very liberated, but due to circumstances I had to move back home. Now if I could find a place where I'm accepted as a transsexual woman than I'll have no problems. 

[JordanBlue]

Now you see when I had moved out from Jan- May, I felt very liberated, but due to circumstances I had to move back home.

Gina:
There seems to be no end to the drama in this situation.  What part of this do you not understand?  Living with your Mom won't work. period.  Move out and don't go back.

[Jessica Merriman]

Living with your Mom won't work. period. 

Jordan is right Gina. How long are you going to live under other peoples rules and not yours? You have to make your situation work out, not accept leftovers and handouts. You need to make yourself succeed in this world as others will not do it for you. As long as you are subject to conditions you will always be the ping pong ball getting knocked back and forth. 

[Rachel]

Gina,  I am sorry you are having this dilemma, hugs.

I think definitely finding out what the potential room mates think and feel about trans is very important. If they are welcoming then give it a go. If not then search for accepting room mates. You were so happy before and making friends. I will be thinking good thoughts for you.

[Teela Renee]

I hate to say it but to escape that mountian of drama, I had to move away. I left michigan all together and settled down in a new state.

[Jess42]

I gotta echo what others have said. Sounds like you and your mom have a toxic relationship and it is toxic to only you and letting her thrive on the control she has over you.

[Gina Taylor]

Gina:
There seems to be no end to the drama in this situation.  What part of this do you not understand?  Living with your Mom won't work. period.  Move out and don't go back.

Gina,  I am sorry you are having this dilemma, hugs.Believe me JordanBlue, I do fully understand the situation, and I thought she'd give a little, but there's no giving with this woman! It's either she takes 90% and leaves me with 10% or she takes it all. But right now I really do realize that the only way to get ahead is by leaving and never going back!

I think definitely finding out what the potential room mates think and feel about trans is very important. If they are welcoming then give it a go. If not then search for accepting room mates. You were so happy before and making friends. I will be thinking good thoughts for you.

Thanks for the vote of confidence Cynthia. It really breaks my heart that of all people that I would depend on would turn their backs on me. But you know that's family for you.

I gotta echo what others have said. Sounds like you and your mom have a toxic relationship and it is toxic to only you and letting her thrive on the control she has over you.

Very toxic  and the only way I see of it not getting any worse is by moving out and starting my life without them. 

[JoanneB]

A woman in my TG group is in a house share situation with a couple of guys. According to her "They have no issue with her being trans". Also from talking to her all you hear is what a toxic environment it is for her. A lot of what shrugs off as good natured joking, they don't really mean it crap. Crap from two ex military jocks. All she is to them is the one who got "nominated" for cleaning the bathroom and kitchen as well as assorted grounds duties.

I can assure you having lived most of my entire life inside a very liberal bubble called the NYC metro area that when confronted most people will give the totally PC answer to belong to the herd. They will still feel and act according to however they want to, especially when alone or in a safe place.

Mom's feedback may very well be filtered and/or adulterated to jive with her views. People are great at that stuff. It is also very easy to bend the truth when you don't have to look the other person in the eye. Your best gauge to judge these friends by is how they have treated you up until now. If they haven't shown much respect, don't expect them to get better with overexposure to you. More likely the opposite.

[Gina Taylor]

A woman in my TG group is in a house share situation with a couple of guys. According to her "They have no issue with her being trans". Also from talking to her all you hear is what a toxic environment it is for her. A lot of what shrugs off as good natured joking, they don't really mean it crap. Crap from two ex military jocks. All she is to them is the one who got "nominated" for cleaning the bathroom and kitchen as well as assorted grounds duties.

I can assure you having lived most of my entire life inside a very liberal bubble called the NYC metro area that when confronted most people will give the totally PC answer to belong to the herd. They will still feel and act according to however they want to, especially when alone or in a safe place.

Mom's feedback may very well be filtered and/or adulterated to jive with her views. People are great at that stuff. It is also very easy to bend the truth when you don't have to look the other person in the eye. Your best gauge to judge these friends by is how they have treated you up until now. If they haven't shown much respect, don't expect them to get better with overexposure to you. More likely the opposite.

Very interesting view point Joanne. They've tried to be friends with me, but I can always see some hesitation in them because they're now dealing with a woman instead of a man that they met 8 years ago. I'm sure that you understand those kind of changes in a persons life. But I've also done the same with my mom. It's been very gradual. It's not like I just dropped the whole thing in front of her and said here you go mom I'm now your new daughter, but I've been slowing giving her pieces of my new persona so that she could get use to me, like a subtle change in clothes, little makeup, etc. others have noticed it, but she tends to draw a blind eye, because she doesn't want to accept it.