Unsure where to start

[Alexi]

I don't know if I'm transgender or not. I feel so confused and tied in knots.

[helen2010]

Alexi

As Stevie said please see a gender therapist.  While you may be transgender you also may not be transgender.  Diagnosis requires a skilled therapist.  I didn't know I was trans* for many years! I thought and feared that I could be many things.   The diagnosis provided immense relief and allowed me to move forward.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Alexi]

I'm in a lot of emotional pain. I feel confused and so tired. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed. Worst of all is being alone.

[ativan]

When you're here, you're not alone.
It's difficult in real life IRL, to have those feelings,
but taking the time and getting a few more posts up,
telling us more of what and how things are going would be a big help for us.
It's hard to respond to your posts, there isn't to much that can be said other than what has been said already.
Is it hard to find the time to be more interactive here?
It is for some, others have plenty of time, so people come and go, some are here a lot.
In other words, hanging around for longer periods of time, give people a chance to talk, may be a big help for you.
Have you looked into a therapist yet?
Hope things are getting better for you.
Ativan

[Alexi]

When you're here, you're not alone.
It's difficult in real life IRL, to have those feelings,
but taking the time and getting a few more posts up,
telling us more of what and how things are going would be a big help for us.
It's hard to respond to your posts, there isn't to much that can be said other than what has been said already.
Is it hard to find the time to be more interactive here?
It is for some, others have plenty of time, so people come and go, some are here a lot.
In other words, hanging around for longer periods of time, give people a chance to talk, may be a big help for you.
Have you looked into a therapist yet?
Hope things are getting better for you.
Ativan

I found a therapist I hope might help. I haven't found recommendations about them but the person claims to have experience counseling of lots of conditions and I can afford to pay the hourly rate too. It's not hard to find time to interact; I don't know what to say!

[ativan]

It can be hard to put words to your thoughts, I have difficulties with that.
We're all pretty used to it, quite a few people find it hard to say the things they have on their minds.
Know that there are a lot of people here who are very understanding and wish nothing more than to be of help.
We all help each other, even in ways that aren't apparent sometimes.
But it's the nature of who we are, we are a different kind of people, yet we are all so very normal in our own ways.
Have you been able to look through some of the back pages and topics?
Lots of good questions have even better answers in most of them.
It can be difficult, but I think you'll find that we are very understanding and know just how difficult it can be.
I'm interested in you, I know quite a few people are.
Go and look at how much rambling I can do in a single comment.
If that's what it takes, we're here for you.
Sometimes, we do get wrapped up in things that are going on and it might not make much sense to someone who is new here.
Don't let that throw you off.
There are a lot of people, a lot of different backgrounds.
A lot of understanding and good advice for everyone.

Nice to know a therapist is in the works for you.
Just know that we are here to support you, that we care.
Ativan

[Alexi]

I've looked through some of the topics and subjects other people asked about and some of them answered some of the questions I had, or are identical to thoughts or feelings I had too. I feel so alone sometimes that it's unbearable and I wonder if I can do it at all any more.

I have nobody to speak to and no safe places to go which makes it so much worse. I feel like I can't hold on sometimes. Somtimes I don't want to and I wish I didn't have any of the pain I'm feeling.

[ativan]

There is always a hand reaching out to help you here.
It's a safe place for many of us, a place to speak, to listen, to converse with others who are in the same kind of place, others who have been through it as well.
If things are getting to be to much, look into the closest crisis centers in your area, have them as a back up plan.
I do, I have several that I have found over some very troubled years, some of which are still going on, but I'm working on them as so many of us are.
It's a process that we go through in our own ways, it's always different for each of us, but we have banded together and although no single person has all the answers, as a group, we do have many to share.
Never be afraid to bring up any issue that you're having.
We don't care if it is one or a hundred, we're here to help walk you through them.
I know that feeling of how hard it is to hold on sometimes, I have gone through the giving up and was helped through it.
I understand the pain of just being and how horribly awful it can feel.
I'm not alone in this here. We talk, we do our best to fix the things that are wrong and are able to move on to the next step in the journey.
This is the place that is safe, it is well guarded by the excellent safety measures that are built in and the constant attention to this by the staff here.
It's the safest place that there is for many of us, and for you to.
People are reaching out, right now, there are many helping hands for you to grab hold of and are ready to pull you back up.
Reach out. Speak to us. If you can't hold on, we'll hold on to you, share your pain.
It's easy for me to ask you to trust us, I know how hard it can be to do this, but it's here, it's a place you can trust.
Ativan

[Alexi]

I didn't ever think I could feel so much pain and be in so much anguish so often. I look in a mirror and I don't like anything I see. I don't like my appearance but I feel unable to change it. I wish sometimes I didn't hold on. I wish sometimes I couldn't hold on. I wish I could let go, but it seems so much more difficult to let go than to hold on.

I've tried reaching out. I've tried and I've lost so many people for trying to reach out that I have nobody left.

[ativan]

You have found us, we aren't going anywhere.
Holding on and letting go...
Are you talking about your life?
Or is it a holding on to something that holds you back when you want to move forward?
I don't look at myself in mirrors anymore, I don't like who I see, it's not the person I am.
I'm pretty much stuck, but I'm working on it.
There is always a possibility that maybe I can't see right now, but I know they are, they always are.
My experiences tell me they are, I found them at times I was more than just lost and hurting.
Reach a little farther, you won't lose any of us. It doesn't work that way here.
I'm sorry if any of the recent topics have cast any doubt about that.
There are people working behind the scenes, behind these boards, holding on to people who are in need.
Have you seen the PM? The Personal Message? We use them to talk in private, sometimes it's better that way.
We talk, we learn, we find the ways that we need to keep moving forward. The possibilities.
Hold on, hang in there... There are possibilities we haven't even begun to talk about.
Ativan

[Alexi]

Holding on and letting go...
Are you talking about your life?

I feel embarrassed being alive sometimes. I'm much better off to other people not being alive. I almost can't bear the pain of being alone any more. It's so painful. It's so unbearably, unbearably painful. My life has no value. My life has no worth. I'm really sorry.

[JulieBlair]

Alexi,
Now you know what I look like.  Now picture me forty lbs heavier with a nasty ass beard, terror filled eyes, and afraid to reach out.  That is what two and a half years of therapy, a couple years of HRT and a lot of love from the people here can do.  Where you are  makes a difference. You are surrounded by survivors of dysphoria, depression, and actually just plain old fatigue.  If an old bitch like me can live and be happy you can too.   Call, PM anytime.

Julie

[Jera]

I feel embarrassed being alive sometimes. I'm much better off to other people not being alive. I almost can't bear the pain of being alone any more. It's so painful. It's so unbearably, unbearably painful. My life has no value. My life has no worth. I'm really sorry.

Perhaps some people feel that way about you. Perhaps they don't. Those that do are seriously not worth their weight in dirt. They are also, unfortunately, everywhere. It is easy to believe them. Don't.

Your value, and your worth, are still there inside you, just buried under all the anguish and pain. These things can still be found, even if it takes some time to sift through the lies we tell ourselves. Even if it makes more sense right now, telling yourself you are without value and worth is one such lie. The truth is there, underneath it all.

We welcome that you share, since many have been in a similar place. You never need apologize for it, for sharing these feelings that are real to you. Though miles may separate us, we are not alone anymore. People here are real, and we care about you.

I, for one, would like to know more about you. What is something you enjoy about this world, or about yourself? Or one thing you like to do, before the pain made it difficult?

[Alexi]

Perhaps some people feel that way about you. Perhaps they don't. Those that do are seriously not worth their weight in dirt. They are also, unfortunately, everywhere. It is easy to believe them. Don't.

Your value, and your worth, are still there inside you, just buried under all the anguish and pain. These things can still be found, even if it takes some time to sift through the lies we tell ourselves. Even if it makes more sense right now, telling yourself you are without value and worth is one such lie. The truth is there, underneath it all.

We welcome that you share, since many have been in a similar place. You never need apologize for it, for sharing these feelings that are real to you. Though miles may separate us, we are not alone anymore. People here are real, and we care about you.

I, for one, would like to know more about you. What is something you enjoy about this world, or about yourself? Or one thing you like to do, before the pain made it difficult?

I don't think I'm worth caring about. It's becoming harder and harder to fight against but at the same time I'm so worn out.

I know what I want to look like. I know about how I feel and understand how I feel. I recognize that I'm non-binary. I know I'm non-binary; yet I still don't know if non-binary is transgender. It doesn't feel like it is. It feels fake to think about it as transgender. I haven't had the time to contact the therapist I found; but I will.

[Jera]

I don't think I'm worth caring about. It's becoming harder and harder to fight against but at the same time I'm so worn out.

I know what I want to look like. I know about how I feel and understand how I feel. I recognize that I'm non-binary. I know I'm non-binary; yet I still don't know if non-binary is transgender. It doesn't feel like it is. It feels fake to think about it as transgender. I haven't had the time to contact the therapist I found; but I will.

These words, "transgender" and "non-binary" are really just that, just words, and nothing more. It's not something that you have to aspire to, or fit the definition of. We use them to try describing what we're going through, but so often they're not quite enough. They often mean different things to all of us. It's more about finding yourself, being true to yourself, and there's nothing fake about that. Nothing could be more real! If these words work for you, great. If they don't, that's perfectly fine, too.

Even if you don't feel like you're worth caring about, is it enough to know that I do, anyway? I really would like to know more about you. Nobody should have to go through what you are, alone. Please feel free to shoot me a message or talk, or vent, or whatever, whenever you want.

[pianoforte]

If you don't want to claim the label "transgender" for yourself, you don't have to at all. It can be a scary label in a lot of ways. The reason people include non-binary/other genders in the transgender category is so that you (yes you! as well as others) can know that you will be welcomed and included in transgender communities.

You are yourself, and that is enough.

I have met many people who felt alone, and who felt like giving up. I have been one of those people. It can be very hard to realize that you are not alone, especially when those feelings are so strong. Struggling with that as well as trying to explore your identity is hard -- it's hard enough to even maintain the already-established parts of your identity in the face of dark thoughts and hard times.

Please know that this community will be here to support you in being yourself, whoever that may be, and that there are many things worthwhile about you, no matter who you are.

And remember that you are not alone. Many others here have felt alone, but as you say, have posted similar things. Many here have gone through mental and physical distress, depression, dysphoria, confusion, and loneliness, and come out of it alive, thriving, and happy with themselves.

You can do that too.

[Alexi]

I actually don't like labels, but at the same time I feel a little less lost using a label as it's like a goal to work toward. Ideally I'd like not to have to use a label and let my gender expression explain how I am; but that's a long time in happening and I haven't even started to change the things I want to change yet. Like if I'm walking out in public I dream about how I want to look and express myself but can't bring myself to do it, or buy clothes I want; I almost become impatient because I want to change my gender expression now, but at the same time I just can't do it.

I'm not sure where to start, but at least I'm looking for a therapist I hope might help. Do I have to go through a test? Or tests?

[EchelonHunt]

I'm not sure where to start, but at least I'm looking for a therapist I hope might help. Do I have to go through a test? Or tests?

The only test you may have to do is a blood test if you'd like to have hormones in the future - but that will be touched on by your therapist when you get to that stage. Otherwise, just think of therapist sessions as chats with a friend. They are there to listen, give you advice and help you put any doubts or worries to rest. They can be an excellent support network if you are struggling to find support elsewhere.

[luna nyan]

Alexi,

You sound as though you are in so much anguish.  Everyone has their worth, and everyone has their importance in the scheme of things.

You said that you don't know what you want to be.  That is normal, the important thing is that you realise this is so, and are looking at doing some thing about finding out.

Therapy is all about talking, and having someone help you find yourself.  There are no tests, nothing that you can fail.  Sometime questions can be confronting, but they will drive you forward.

[ativan]

Everyone's advice is sound. Everyone goes through this part of starting and the questions that come along with it.
You're stepping out of you comfort zone and into your life. The effects vary depending on the person.
This is why we stress seeing a therapist, they are like a guide for you, not a gatekeeper.
Be wary of anyone who is, not all of them understand non-binary, some even let their own personal feelings get in the way.
But you'll know right away is it isn't going to work, but at the same time, it can take a couple sessions to get it rolling.
And it will. I think most , if not all of us have felt lost in the beginning, and it is common to feel that way as things move along.
Like I said, we are all different, but we do know how we have all dealt with things and we do have many good things to tell you as you step into the journey that your life is taking.
Relax, we're right here, right with you on this. Most of us have had the help of many others as we too move along on our journeys.
It's going to take patience, lots of it for now, until you find the things that are going to work for you.
There isn't a single one of us who hasn't wished they could simply make a transformation and step out into the world.
It'll take some time to find your footing, but once you do, the time spent will seem like it was short and sweet, which it will be.
Each step is important, you do want to do it right, to not have any do-overs or at the least, keep them to a minimum.
We learn the most when we are patient with ourselves and each step we take is well thought out before we take them.
We can help the most with this. Learn from our mistakes as well as our triumphs.
Done right, you're gonna have fun, even through the bumps in the road ahead.
Hah! I sound like a cheerleader. Nobody can tell you what to do, nobody knows exactly what is right for you.
But we can help you find the things that you'll find that are right for you.
Looking forward to learning more about you and how things are going.
Ativan