Why am I even trans? Long post

[KidUndead]

Hello,

Sometimes I wonder why this happened to me, or what caused my life to take this turn.
As happy as I am since I transitioned, meaning that I would never detransition. I also wish that I didn't have to go through this. I had a pretty normal life, I never had any bodily or mental dysphoria as a child, I couldn't care less about how I looked/when I was younger. I just wore what my parents bought and didn't complain, which were boys clothing. I think sexism is stupid so I don't believe it to be a clear way to gender a child. But I did play with mostly girls toys/Poly Pocket and Barbies, dress up with my sister, and have female friends. As to genitals, until I was in my preteens I thought everyone had the same parts as me, it was quite a shock when I was told otherwise! When my friend's parents would invite only my sister to a sleepover I was baffled when they told me I couldn't come. As I got older I picked out my own clothing, etc. I dressed very feminine after a few years, girls skinny jeans, and girls collared shirts/my school had a clothing policy. But even then I didn't feel or want to be female, I just thought it looked good. I got intensely bullied that year/name calling and beatings, so I changed my look the next year. I wore compression shirts and basketball shorts, and I didn't feel upset wearing the boys clothing by choice. My dysphoria only started when I began gaining muscle mass and an adams apple, I was glad my body was going through these changes but at the same time part of me wondered what it was like to be female, but not actually wanting to be female. Eventually things shifted from "I wonder", to "I wish". A few months after the feelings started, I found out what transgender meant, I thought only crossdressers existed. I realized that I was probably trans, and when I accepted that I was trans the dysphoria tripled. I started hormones when I was fifteen, it was the best thing to happen to me. If I never felt like I had any childhood dysphoria, why did it suddenly start
during puberty? Did something hormonal possibly happen? Was I born like this? I read that transpeople realize their true gender at an early age, so why didn't I?
I'm so sorry this a incredibly long post! Please ignore any grammar errors.

Edit age.

Thanks!

[helen2010]

Good question indeed.  The emerging consensus appears to be that gender identity is a bio/psycho/social phenomenon with each factor working interdependently with the others.  I find the body of research which shows that brains are gendered in utero a few weeks after the foetus is gendered explains quite a deal and is most persuasive.  However it is also fair to say that the tools available and the rigour of the research is constantly improving, and you may find some folk arguing that gender is a purely social construct or offering other well constructed and logical hypotheses.

However I am not sure that understanding the reasons for, or the cause of your gender identity is that critical.  It really is a case of, it is what it is.  The challenge is in understanding, exploring, accepting, integrating and expressing your identity.  This is a life long quest promising enormous benefit and growth.  Being trans* is definitely not the norm in our society, but in many ways it has been a real blessing to me.  I am glad that you are in a good place and hope that you enjoy meeting and interacting with the many great people here on Susans.

Safe travels

Aisla

[KidUndead]

Thanks for the input! I just wish that it all is really a phase, regardless of how happy I am.

[JulieBlair]

Why are you (or I for that matter) trans?  There is lots of literature exploring that, maybe you'll become a research fellow and find out the definitive answer.  For me the important question is not, why am I the way that I am? but how can I live an authentic, joy filled life regardless?  I am a girl/woman, always have been, always will be, so it goes.  That I tried hard not to be is irrelevant. 

For you I suspect that puberty was a trigger.  Before that the differences in behavior and preference exist, but are not  hormonally fueled as much; even the plumbing is pretty small and can be overlooked.  Some people knew they were wrong from infancy, I knew I was different, wrong happened later - much later.

All that said, I would have given everything I have not to be trans.  This life isn't a joke, and it isn't particularly easy, but going through it has made me a better, more compassionate, more accepting person.  I am who I am because I have had to transcend dysphoria, depression, despair.

You get to live most of your life as you really are.  Very cool!  I hope that your travels, and growth are commensurate with your acceptance and courage.  Thank you for sharing your story.

Julie

[stephaniec]

well , having it erupt at puberty is not surprising if your brain is geared towards estrogen.