pre-transition memories making me physically ill

[brianna1016]

First let me say that things have never been better for me. Transitioning has literally saved my life and I feel like I can at least spend the rest of it a happy woman.

My first 30 years of life feel like they were ROBBED from me.  It hurts just thinking about it. My schizophrenic childhood. Feeling disconnected from my self, like I wasn't even real. Having to pretend I was happy when I couldn't be no matter how much I tried. Being misdiagnosed over and over. Being raised in the Mormon Church that taught me as a young child how to hate and fear anything LGBT. Being unable to express the way I felt inside to my parents. Being afraid of sex. Being afraid of God.

Having to go through puberty and feeling disgusting inside but not really knowing why. The severe depression that came out of nowhere around age 13 that turned everything dark and scary and insane. The crossdressing that I could not stop no matter how hard I tried. The shame and guilt. Beating myself up over and over.  Being envious of women.

Being able to fit in as a guy very well, but never being truly satisfied about it. Becoming cynical and jaded. A hopeless drug addict with an attitude problem. Starting relationships with women over and over and breaking up with them all. Unsatisfied with sex. Becoming a loner. Going 10 years without crying. Hating the world, hating myself, self sabatoge, jails, panic attacks, domestic violence, isolation, toxic, feeling poisoned, increasing visions of suicide,

I have no idea how I pulled myself out of that mess a year ago, but I did it! This is where my life begins. It hurts to think about the past. Even the good times I've had feel gross now when I look back on them. Nothing is the way it seems when you have undiagnosed Gender Dysphoria. Denial is an even bigger mess, especially in my case, because I dragged out my pain, misery, and addiction for years, blaming it on anything I could. Knowing in the deepest and most well hidden parts of my psyche why I couldn't be happy.

What's my point? I don't really know. Maybe someone will read this; someone with similar experiences; and realize how seriously wrong their lives may end up if they don't deal with their GD. Maybe I just want to vent. Maybe I need to work these things out with a licensed therapist. I know I can be a happy person now. I absolutely love the person I see when I look in the mirror. She is alive for the first time. 

I love this forum, there are so many incredibly intelligent and caring people here. I'm frequently amazed and enlightened at the things I read on here.

[Cindy]

You are a brave strong woman who has faced the gender hell that we are born in to.

Remember our posts do help.

Our stories do help the young ones find and seek help.

Be very very proud of yourself.

You are wonderful.

Cindy

[Emily.T]

I know exactly how you feel I to was braught up in the Mormon church, the overwhelming control over every aspect of my life was the killer for me and the fact that my parents were total hypocrites going to church on Sunday and being physically and mentally abusive to me during the week because of how I was I felt i had no where to turn.

I had no support at home no support at church so I went into my shell and haded myself because I felt that it was my fault for what was wrong with me, my mother would always say why can't you just be normal but as it turns out I was normal.

Now that I am really close to transitioning I am at the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

I am glad that you found happiness in your life.

Emily.T xx

[Gina Taylor]

You are a brave strong woman who has faced the gender hell that we are born in to.

Remember our posts do help.

Our stories do help the young ones find and seek help.

Be very very proud of yourself.

You are wonderful.

Cindy

I agree 100% with Cindy. As I read your post, I was crying for the pain that you must have felt growing up knowing that you were different and finally taking control and now you're going to live a much better life. Kudos to you honey! 

[Sacha]

Religion is crap.

Manipulates people and make them like social clones living in fear.

[brianna1016]

I know exactly how you feel I to was braught up in the Mormon church, the overwhelming control over every aspect of my life was the killer for me and the fact that my parents were total hypocrites going to church on Sunday and being physically and mentally abusive to me during the week because of how I was I felt i had no where to turn.

I had no support at home no support at church so I went into my shell and haded myself because I felt that it was my fault for what was wrong with me, my mother would always say why can't you just be normal but as it turns out I was normal.

Now that I am really close to transitioning I am at the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

I am glad that you found happiness in your life.

Emily.T xx

I'm happy for you too! Nice to read stuff like this. I'm obviously not alone!

[Beth Andrea]

Yay! Another story of survival and hope...we can't change the past, but by remembering it we can work to prevent it from happening to others.

You're a beautiful inspiration, Brianna!

*hugs*

[brianna1016]

I know exactly how you feel I to was braught up in the Mormon church

Mormons have no concept of a transgendered person. They don't use words like gay, lesbian, or homosexual. They say you have 'same sex attraction' and then send you to an elder in the church that tries to tell you how dirty and disgusting you are in the eyes of God. I had no idea what a trans person was until I was in my early 20s!

No offense to any Mormon people out there, but seriously; I don't think there are any transgender Mormons who are allowed to be themselves in the church or feel that they are on the same level as other Mormons.

[Miyuki]

Religion is crap.

Manipulates people and make them like social clones living in fear.

While I know that religious people and organization aren't always the most tolerant people in the world, I don't think it's fair to make the generalization that all religion is bad. I've known plenty of religious people who are actually very tolerant and accepting. That being said, I figured out a while ago that religion wasn't for me, and I'm now a practicing atheist. But unlike many atheists I know, I don't judge people for being religious, because as long as it helps them be good people I don't really care what they want to believe.

To the original poster, I know exactly how you feel. From the sounds of it you had a worse time of it that I did, but I still understand the isolation and the frustration. The feeling of being alone, even in a group of people. The feeling that the way you are is wrong somehow and nothing you do will ever be able to fix it. The feeling of hating the world and not even understanding why you hate it. I think we all know how that feels to some extent. I'm nearly positive that if I hadn't started anti-androgens when I did, I would have attempted to kill myself at some point. The feeling of hopelessness was starting to consume me, and I was already to the point where I felt completely boxed in. I still have a long way to go, but now that I've finally accepted the nature of my problem and what I need to do to deal with it, I finally feel like I'm moving forward instead of just running myself around in circles.

And like you, I also feel like I was robbed of the best years of my life. My childhood was not an easy one, and I can't help but think it would have been so much easier if I could've just been myself. I just got so confused after a while I didn't know which way was up anymore. It got to the point where I was fantasizing about being a girl on a practically nightly basis, and yet I didn't have a clear enough idea about what being transgender was to be able to come to the conclusion that I was a transgender person. I talked to countless mental health professionals over the years, but I never had to courage to tell them about the way I really felt. And unfortunately for me, I was good enough at lying and misdirection that they never figured it out (I'd had so much practice after all). So I just ended up trying one useless anti-depressant after another, and eventually gave up after nothing worked. I wish so badly that things could have gone differently back then. It could have drastically changed the course my life was taking, and kept me from making one mistake after the next.

All I can say is, I feel so sorry for everyone who has had to go through something like this. I know how horrible it is, and no one deserves to have half of their life ruined by something that was never their fault, and that they didn't ask for. I hope that some day we can do a better job of reaching out to the world and helping people understand what gender identity disorder is and what can be done to treat it, so that we can once and for all get past the point where people have to suffer alone without even understanding what's wrong with them.

[Carrie Liz]

Totally feel for you in the realm of looking back and feeling pretty bad about all of the life experiences that I was robbed out of in my youth because of not being open about being trans. Years and years of social isolation, hating my body at every single moment, failing to function work-wise on the most basic of levels, and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

But hey, at least we finally did do something about it. It's all uphill from here.

[brianna1016]

It got to the point where I was fantasizing about being a girl on a practically nightly basis, and yet I didn't have a clear enough idea about what being transgender was to be able to come to the conclusion that I was a transgender person.

This is exactly what happened to me as well. Hopefully this won't happen to teenagers growing up now.

[Gina Taylor]

Mormons have no concept of a transgendered person. They don't use words like gay, lesbian, or homosexual. They say you have 'same sex attraction' and then send you to an elder in the church that tries to tell you how dirty and disgusting you are in the eyes of God. I had no idea what a trans person was until I was in my early 20s!

No offense to any Mormon people out there, but seriously; I don't think there are any transgender Mormons who are allowed to be themselves in the church or feel that they are on the same level as other Mormons.

Years ago I once dated a Mormon, and I quickly found out about her religion and the does and don'ts. Fortunately the relationship didn't last long, and I was glad to get away from it. I've been a part of the United Methodist Church all my life and I'm glad that they're more open minded. 

[girlinthecloud]

Hi
I went online looking for someone who has gone/going through what I have been, because it's just been so damn hard lately. I feel so alone, cheated TOTALLY out of life lived these past 38 years. I am in transition now finally:hormones 3.5 months, but not out as much as I want because.. well long story. I'm doing something now though. It is so good to hear that there is hope, peace and honesty on the other side to this. My misery and isolation have become so normal, what will it feel like to look back on it? You described me to a tee: self hate, bad attitude, self sabotage, addiction.. gawd everything.  I was raised roman catholic, different from mormon, but according to them we are 'officially' mentally disturbed. Hows that for ironic? I spent my confused youth with this internalized hatred and fear of my own thoughts, battling my own behaviour, all because I believed that I was indeed crazy and wrong and every other horrible thing, even if the word 'transgender' did not enter into it tell well later on.  I feel I was abused, because of this indoctrination. It's awful awful awful. It still goes on, young trans people are still being taught this absurdity about themselves, and it makes me mad! It affected almost everything about me, tainted and prevented relationships (understatement), warped my sense of myself, ruined what should have been positive experiences.  And I'm just still learning the extent of it. It's all based on hate and fear, and I became a victim of myself because of it. I know too, at the other end of my transition I will look back on how absurdly long I let this negative life drag out. what will it feels like living beyond GD? I am ready to lead a happier life now, and I think I have the courage to. I just need a bigger social support, which is why I decided to sign up tonight.. yet another TG online group! I wish you the best and thank you for your story!! ~nadia