Mom offered a deal of acceptance of me.

[Chloevixen]

Last night I was at my moms house installing a new shower and tub for my brothers bathroom.  While I was cleaning up to leave she sat me down and we talked about my transition.  She has been strongly against it to the point to cutting me off from the family.  She keeps telling me that she thinks I will never find work as a (->-bleeped-<-) her words and will always be dependent on them for money to survive.
Two of her swim team parents are either therapists, or psychologist.  She said that she would only accept me as female if I start seeing them and they agree that I am in fact a woman.  She thinks the Doctor I saw wile I lived in New Orleans was just trying to collect my money, and the Navy doc was just trying to help with my court case.  I am afraid that even when her psychologist friend gives the same diagnosis as the two I have already seen, she will still not accept me and I will still be stuck going in drab to her house, wearing my only remaining set of male clothes.
What I am worried about is do I spend another couple of thousand dollars on a hope that maybe oneday we will be able to be a family again?    I would really love to know that she will one day accept me as the woman I am.  I am afraid that my relationship between both my parents has been damaged beyond repair.  My brother and sister accepted me with no problem, brother being Buddhist, and my sister seeing me as a threat to her femininity.  We go shopping together, she has started wearing makeup, we swap clothes, and even go out to lunch together.  This is much better than the years we would go without talking to eachother. 

[suzifrommd]

She said that she would only accept me as female if I start seeing them and they agree that I am in fact a woman.

How will they know that? There is no way to tell someone else's gender identity except to take their word for it.

What your mother is doing is disrespectful and invalidating. You have a right to be accepted for who you are unconditionally. That is her responsibility as someone who loves you.

See a therapist if you feel you need to, but pick one with good credentials and experience as a gender therapist, and STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS from someone who has ties to your parents.

I'm always in favor of attempts to educate your parents (costs nothing, might help). She needs to know that it's impossible, even for a therapist, to tell someone else's gender identity. Therapists help us discover our gender identity (if it isn't already obvious to us), they do not tell us what it is.

Please don't cave to emotional blackmail (that's what this is - withholding acceptance until you do what she wants).

[Misato]

Wouldn't you seeing therapists your mother knows socially be a conflict of interest for the therapists?

Even if not, caution seems prudent. Going to her therapists gives your mother control or at least say over your transition. Thing is, we're talking about your life here and you know who you are and what you must do to heal already.

Any damage done to your relationships they've done, not you. You are getting the help you need, you've done nothing wrong, and they are the ones twisting your relationship into wonky places.

[Misato]

I would add there is no "deal" to make with your life here. There is only your mother getting past whatever her hangup is.

[StevieAK]

Imho
The only person who has to accept you is you. Their reaction and acceptance is totally up to them. My therapist and I talked about people and their reaction to me and she suggested that I stop trying to fix broken relationships as I can only do my part but not theirs. Be happy is the best medicine to be accepted I think. Seeing you enjoy life may be what she needs to see I think. You won't change her.

[Shantel]

What ever became of the unconditional love that parents once supposedly had? Parent's responsibility is to love, nurture and give their children a safe home environment and impart good moral values and that's all. By the time the kids are in their teens they become their own persons and there is nothing more a parent can do to control the direction of the kid's life and thought processes. So how parent's feel that they can continue to control and manipulate their offspring throughout their adulthood and bludgeon them into submission by putting conditions on how they will be loved and accepted is unconscionable and a toxic perversion of parenthood.

[Myarkstir]

Take what i say with as much grains of salts as you need. What i will say is based on my personal experience. All 17 yeasrs of it.

This is a trap pure and simple. Remember this they are FRIENDS, not professional relations. If you bought a car would you have it checked by the sellers good friend? No and its the same concept here.

When i came up to my parents they talked to a "friend" psychologist who promptly proceeded in reassuring them that i was just a "dam pervert" and only did this for sex and to hurt them. He even went as fasr as to give a diagnosis on my gid without ever seeing me once and told them i was not a transexual. I didn't speak to them for 5 years until they folded to MY needs not theirs. They have since accepted it partly and even 17 years later i expect them to blow out at me after my srs, even right in the hospital itself. If it happens i WILL let the staff evacuate them out.

Now again that is MY experience and your mileage may vary.

[Myarkstir]

On a side note, now i understand what trigger warning means. Just got a major trigger activated lol 

[mrs izzy]

As said you have to do your own thing. Its about your happiness not there's.

They are so stuck on what the Jones might think more then loving there child and helping her through these hard transition times.

So stay your path and all who posted have very valid help.

Hugs

[Chloevixen]

Thank you for the replies and support.  I am sorry about the lack of trigger warning, thats a new phrase to me.
Emotional blackmail is my moms go to card that she uses for everything, the sad part is I am just learning it now.
I strongly doubt that she would even believe the therapist when she agrees with what I say to be true.  I have seen two psychiatrists, one who specializes in the trans issues, and one military doc who I was his first trans woman.  Last Thursday was my first day of group therapy, I know that will not help with my family problems.
I do not worry about their comfort since I avoid going to my moms house as much as possible and we have no relationship past doing repairs to her house.  I think that sometimes I am deluding myself into the fantasy that we might oneday have a somewhat normal family.
I know she is afraid that I am going to run off and have SRS without putting any thought into it, and she was relieved that I told her I am at a minimum of two years away from it.     

[Juliett]

What ever became of the unconditional love that parents once supposedly had? Parent's responsibility is to love, nurture and give their children a safe home environment and impart good moral values and that's all. By the time the kids are in their teens they become their own persons and there is nothing more a parent can do to control the direction of the kid's life and thought processes. So how parent's feel that they can continue to control and manipulate their offspring throughout their adulthood and bludgeon them into submission by putting conditions on how they will be loved and accepted is unconscionable and a toxic perversion of parenthood.

I have found that all aspects of society will make a special exception to any rule for the chance to kick trans people in the teeth.

I found a measure of peace after I accepted that I have no family and that will never change. Sister, parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, every last one is a jehovas witness, and I will never speak to them again.

[Shantel]

I have found that all aspects of society will make a special exception to any rule for the chance to kick trans people in the teeth.

I found a measure of peace after I accepted that I have no family and that will never change. Sister, parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, every last one is a jehovas witness, and I will never speak to them again.

Sure can't blame you there!

My mother and sister were real head bangers so I cut them off entirely for ten years, no birthday or holiday acknowledgments, no contact whatsoever as if they were dead to me. Eventually they did a 180 degree turn around and we had lunch, made up and I forgave them. Two weeks later my mom dropped dead, so I'm glad that we could bury the axe as I didn't need to be left with any unwarranted guilt feelings.

[Misato]

I have found that all aspects of society will make a special exception to any rule for the chance to kick trans people in the teeth.

I haven't.

[Ms Grace]

Friends of your mother?? A massive conflict of interest there and utterly unprofessional if they are the ones that suggested it (even if they were doing it more for you than her, maybe they suggested to shut her up about it).

Has your mother ever met you in female mode? I know mine was a bit dubious but once she met me as Grace her reservations disappeared pretty quickly.

[katiej]

I strongly doubt that she would even believe the therapist when she agrees with what I say to be true.  I have seen two psychiatrists, one who specializes in the trans issues, and one military doc who I was his first trans woman.

No good can come from talking with your mom's friends.  She wouldn't accept their diagnosis if they agreed that you're trans.  And the worst case scenario is that they say you're not, and then she'd never let you live that down.  It wouldn't matter that likely neither of them really knows much about the issue.  You've already got the confirmed diagnosis from professionals who know what they're doing.  No further proof should be necessary.

I heard a fantastic saying about relationships ..."I can't control you, but I can control my proximity to you."  I'm not necessarily saying you should cut your mother off completely.  But it does sound like you've got to put down a serious ultimatum.  She needs to take it seriously, accept what you're doing, or risk losing touch with you until she can.

It sounds to me like your relationship with your siblings has greatly improved recently.  That's fantastic!  So don't feel like you've lost all family.