Should I come out to Psychiatrist and my parents? (Very Long)

[EchelonHunt]

I have been seeing my psychiatrist for roughly six years, been on HRT for four... I have previously identified as male for all those six years but come 2014, I have had time to recover from my previous relationship (early 2013) and it caused me to re-evaluate my feelings regarding stereotypes and my gender identity. I no longer identify as male, I now identify as non-binary and would like to transition to a more androgynous/feminine state.

I would like to come out as non-binary to him and my family but how can I without potentially spitting on all the effort and support he and my family have given me, especially over the past 4 years?

Surgeries/procedures I hope to get:

• Top Surgery
• Hysterectomy (keeping the ovaries in)
• Metoidplasty (I would rather be completely smooth down there but I don't think it would be realistically possible to find a doctor who would agree to such a surgery so going for a meta and choosing against scrotoplasty, instead having my vagina closed up would be the closest option I have)
• Voice Therapy Lessons (before and after VFS)
• VFS (with Yeson)
• Hair removal (Laser & Electrolysis)

Reasons why I want to go off T post-hysterectomy:

• To see if I can handle estrogen without the periods
• To see if personality changes on T have been from experience or hormones
• To reduce any further hair follicles being stimulated and to receive female fat redistribution
• To reduce my voice from getting deeper than it already is

My concerns with telling my psychiatrist -

• He may be disappointed, maybe even angry.
• He will stop hormones and deny me top surgery. (He has approved letters to non-binary individuals for HRT and top surgery though)
• I don't want to lose possible options of lower surgery (metoidplasty & hysterectomy)

My concerns with telling my parents -

• They will be angry and blame my psychiatrist for "rushing" me
• They will assume I'm de-transitioning back to female. (Ugh, gag me! Yes, I want to transition to a more feminine appearance but not one that is female)
• They will not be able to understand non-binary identities, it's just "another thing I found on the internet that's brainwashed me" - this was also what they said when I came out as transgender a six years ago.

I am more worried about the recuperation of coming out to my family than my psychiatrist. I am starting a university preparation course next week (for the next six months) and I'm not sure I would like to come out to them and risk being stressed by their accusations and questioning when I need to focus 110% on studies.

Should I finish transitioning in terms of the FTM surgeries I wish to proceed with and then come out as non-binary to my psychiatrist or should I do it beforehand? If I come out as non-binary, will FTM bottom surgeries still be available to me or will they be taken away since I no longer identify as male?

Sorry this is incredibly long but I had to demonstrate just how difficult this whole situation is for me.

[Metroland]

Firstly this might have been very long, however it is extremely well laid out.  I have not transitioned and maybe I cannot give you the best advise, however it seems to me that you have made up your mind about your psychiatrist as you say: "He will stop hormones and deny me top surgery."  You seem like you've made up your mind about it.

Finding oneself is not a straightforward process.  I came out to my parents as gay for 6 years and then I told them that I am bisexual.  They thought that I was walking back my homosexuality but I was very confident about my move that I left no doubt in their mind that I was bisexual.  It took me a really long time to tell them that I am gay with a lot of fights and arguments, however it took me 45 minutes to tell them that I am bisexual and that was the end of it.  My mom was upset for a couple of days but I knew what I wanted and she came around and our relationship now is really solid.

Make up your mind and don't mind your psychiatrist or parents.  They will come around fast and embrace you.

[luna nyan]

Echelon,

I wouldn't worry about your psych.  He'll just raise an eyebrow, shrug, and just say to you that you have a lot of work to do together to make sure this is right for you.  You've laid down a fairly definite plan,matin reasons behind it, so he'll just work with you.

Family, as always, will assume the worst.  Just be prepared to spend time explaining things.  If they were supportive before, they will be again, if you have clear reasons for what you are doing.

[EchelonHunt]

Firstly this might have been very long, however it is extremely well laid out.  I have not transitioned and maybe I cannot give you the best advise, however it seems to me that you have made up your mind about your psychiatrist as you say: "He will stop hormones and deny me top surgery."  You seem like you've made up your mind about it.

Finding oneself is not a straightforward process.  I came out to my parents as gay for 6 years and then I told them that I am bisexual.  They thought that I was walking back my homosexuality but I was very confident about my move that I left no doubt in their mind that I was bisexual.  It took me a really long time to tell them that I am gay with a lot of fights and arguments, however it took me 45 minutes to tell them that I am bisexual and that was the end of it.  My mom was upset for a couple of days but I knew what I wanted and she came around and our relationship now is really solid.

Make up your mind and don't mind your psychiatrist or parents.  They will come around fast and embrace you.

I should clarify that even though I know my psychiatrist has approved letters for non-binary individuals for top surgery and hormones, it would be the logical assumption that he would be okay signing off a letter for me to have top surgery should I come out as non-binary. In the past, he has delayed hormones and top surgery if I was having doubts or was feeling under the weather mentally. I suppose having top surgery delayed wouldn't be such a bad thing as I'm nowhere near the healthy weight I'm supposed to be to get good results, much less half-way to saving up the operation total.

Part of me thinks my parents might be relieved because I won't be male, then disappointed because I won't be going back to being female either. But this way, I get to saddle the line of both genders, I can freely embrace both feminine and masculine qualities about myself. I can't see how that can be a lose-lose situation.

Echelon,

I wouldn't worry about your psych.  He'll just raise an eyebrow, shrug, and just say to you that you have a lot of work to do together to make sure this is right for you.  You've laid down a fairly definite plan,matin reasons behind it, so he'll just work with you.

Family, as always, will assume the worst.  Just be prepared to spend time explaining things.  If they were supportive before, they will be again, if you have clear reasons for what you are doing.

Yes, I'm realizing that I need to stop thinking psychiatrists as gatekeepers.

Ha, explaining non-binary to my parents - that oughta be fun! I'm thinking of sitting them down one day and just coming out to them but I don't know whether I should gauge their reactions first before doing that. I want to mention VFS but part of me thinks I should leave that be for now because I have top surgery and hysterectomy to worry about before that. My reasons have never been more clear, it's quite liberating. Freedom shouldn't feel this darn good!

[pianoforte]

I don't have a long and involved answer for you (or really an "answer" for you at all) but it seems to me like it's something you should talk about with your psychiatrist, especially if your psychiatrist is who you are working with for your HRT/etc which seems to be the case.

Parents... eeehhhh. They are harder to deal with. I'd come out to my psychiatrist over my parents any day.

I identify as non-binary in a lot of ways, but also want to get HRT and top surgery, so I can very much sympathize with wanting to find a comfortable gender-space where it's possible to engage in a wider range of gender expression.

You seem to have really thought this through, and found a plan of action that suits your needs and desires. I'd say go for it with your psych and see how you feel about it with your parents. Do what feels right for you in your situation.