Packing, gears, and dysphoria

[SWNID]

It has been too clear to me to continue denying that packing actually worsens my dysphoria. I don't know if other might have felt the same way at some point of their transitions.
I started with the Mr. Limpy as many guys do, and I was amazed by how comforting it was to have something there.
Then I felt I wanted something made of better materials
Then I felt the need of something that can be used for play...
Then I became more insecure in the bathroom and needed a good stp...
Then I was tired of switching between the gears and wanted a 3-in-1...
Then I could not tolerate harnesses or straps anymore and desired something realistic and could be attached to my body directly...
Then...I suddenly realized I have an entire drawer full of different models of gears, which actually shocked me a bit and somehow gave me a weird feeling of kinkiness....
Since I got my 2nd/3rd packers, before I bought any new gears, I decided that would be the last one and should be enough to help me through until I have my bottom surgery, but it was never enough and never the last one.
I feel so insecure if I don't pack, but the initial comforting has turned to more dysphoria for having to put some foreign object in my pants all the time.
Sometime I even think that me not feeling attached to my gears means that I will not feel attached my penis either after bottom surgery, and that idea frightens me.
Anyone has any similar feelings? How did you deal with it?

[mrs izzy]

I see that same thing day after day with my husband.

Your story sounds so much like his.

I so hope you do find a happy medium somehow.

The most help i can give is enjoy the good days and tolerate the bad.

Hugs

[aleon515]

I don't understand why lower surgery wouldn't work. Might be a long time off, but you do have sensation with it. It's not like it is just skin hanging off you. That's a myth and a fairly prevalent one, btw.
I don't know what to say now. You shouldn't feel "kinky" having dicks like this. It's understandable we would try and soothe ourselves with them, and it isn't even bad to have them even if it was just to get off. Sex toys (I don't believe that's what they are) are normal and natural sorts of things that many adults enjoy.

--Jay

Then I could not tolerate harnesses or straps anymore and desired something realistic and could be attached to my body directly...
Then...I suddenly realized I have an entire drawer full of different models of gears, which actually shocked me a bit and somehow gave me a weird feeling of kinkiness....
Since I got my 2nd/3rd packers, before I bought any new gears, I decided that would be the last one and should be enough to help me through until I have my bottom surgery, but it was never enough and never the last one.
I feel so insecure if I don't pack, but the initial comforting has turned to more dysphoria for having to put some foreign object in my pants all the time.
Sometime I even think that me not feeling attached to my gears means that I will not feel attached my penis either after bottom surgery, and that idea frightens me.
Anyone has any similar feelings? How did you deal with it?

[SWNID]

Thanks mrs izzy, good to know I'm not alone.

Thank you Jay, I'm also trying to assure myself it is not kinky or fetish. As for the surgery, I'm sorry that I didn't mkae it clear. I was not saying that I would not have sensation. I believe my surgeon will do a good job and I will gain sensation as I recover. What I meant was that maybe I won't feel emotionally attached to my penis. I feel so sure that I need the surgery. But why, how? I can't explain any reasoning behind this. I have never had a penis; I don't know how would it feel to have one; I'm not feeling well with packers/prostheses, so why can I feel I really want one?
Yeah I know nobody can tell me what I want...but thanks for your positive energy

[Edge]

Packing makes my dysphoria worse because a) I have something foreign in my pants and b) it brings my attention to the fact that I don't have a dick.
As for why you want one, I'd make an educated guess that it's because your brain is designed to think you should have one. That's what the current studies point to anyway.

[Felix]

I don't pack outside the bedroom because I already wear an ankle brace and glasses, and special socks on one foot so the scars don't bleed, and sometimes a wrist brace or two, and I really don't want to feel like I'm any higher maintenance than I already am.

There's nothing wrong with kink, but a transman owning a selection of packing and stp gear isn't kinky. And I don't think not being attached to your prosthetics is a sign that you can't feel ownership of your changed body after bottom surgery.

Good luck though going forward. I do think all of your fears and stresses over this are probably pretty common.

[zero.cool.crash.override]

Similar feelings here.  When I'm in a good mood, the feeling of that extra something in my pants is great.  But when I'm not feeling so positive, it feels like a pathetic wannabe substitute.  It highlights that which I am missing. 

Then I remind myself that I'm only packing for my own benefit or pleasure – no one else's.  I am no less of a man when I set aside the packer for a while.  And most other people don't notice one way or the other whether I have a bulge in my pants or not.  Whatever I've got in my pants is private.

I think that bottom surgery will not cause these same feelings.  Surgery will construct something real and permanent that is actually a part of you.  Packing, on the other hand, could be seen or felt as a type of pretending.  That's how it feels sometimes to me, anyhow. 

[aleon515]

There's nothing wrong with kink, but a transman owning a selection of packing and stp gear isn't kinky. And I don't think not being attached to your prosthetics is a sign that you can't feel ownership of your changed body after bottom surgery.

Yeah here here. Nothing wrong with kink.
(though I don't think trans guys packing IS kink.) Way to sum it up.

Yes I think there is a difference between having feeling about prosthetics and your own parts, but it's everybody's own feelings and so on, so no one can decide that for you.

--Jay

[SWNID]

Edge, interesting point, yes, I guess my brain can want whatever it wants without explaining to me.

Jay and Felix, I agree that there is nothing wrong with kink. I hope that the surgery will feel different than packing, but even if it won't, I can still tell myself that I have tried everything and let the rest of the frustration go.

zero.cool.crash.override, thanks for sharing. "Pretending" is kind of how I feel. I came out and began transition to be who I really am, but now it seems like I am pretending to have something that I actually don't.