Should I/you tell people we're trans?

[Shana-chan]

Ok, this one is divided into two questions (Both are referring to trans being MtF and FtM, gender fluid and other similar ones but mainly those two)

1. Should I tell people both online and in life I'm trans including those who don't know me or are my acquaintances? (I'm also gender fluid but only wish to be female, so this pains me, and makes it harder for people to understand, it's hard enough getting them to understand becoming the opposite gender you know) I'm referring to people for both irl and for online btw.

2. Should we tell people in our lives who do or don't know us we're trans whether online or not?

Please give your answer and a reason why you feel I/we should or shouldn't tell people, feel free to give examples of what might happen if we did or better, tell us what happened if you did this.

[alabamagirl]

Well, I think pretty much everyone I know knows I'm trans at this point, so I guess you know my answer.

I don't think it really matters. If you want to tell them, tell them. If you don't, I don't see anything wrong with that either. What matters is whatever gender you identify as now, not which one you were perceived as in the past.

As for reactions, I've had nothing but positive ones so far, both online and off. And one person online whom I told I was trans actually argued with me that I was lying and that I had to be a cis woman, lol. That felt pretty awesome.

[LordKAT]

I don't think you should tell anyone you don't need to, I do think it is a personal choice on who you tell and when. During transition, there are those who you should tell or they will figure it out and not necessarily in a good way. Once past that in between stage, it is none of their business unless you choose to share it.

[helen2010]

I think that you only tell those folk you wish to tell, so no PR broadcast, and you only tell them as much as you deem to be appropriate ie this should vary by person and by the nature of the relationship.

You don't automatically share (spew) your life story to any person who you connect with (it's disrespectful, unnecessary and perhaps messy or uncomfortable), be as selective/public/targeted as you feel comfortable with.

Once you share you cannot unshare.

Aisla

[suzifrommd]

Ok, this one is divided into two questions (Both are referring to trans being MtF and FtM, gender fluid and other similar ones but mainly those two)

1. Should I tell people both online and in life I'm trans including those who don't know me or are my acquaintances? (I'm also gender fluid but only wish to be female, so this pains me, and makes it harder for people to understand, it's hard enough getting them to understand becoming the opposite gender you know) I'm referring to people for both irl and for online btw.

2. Should we tell people in our lives who do or don't know us we're trans whether online or not?

Please give your answer and a reason why you feel I/we should or shouldn't tell people, feel free to give examples of what might happen if we did or better, tell us what happened if you did this.

Good questions, Shana.

Here's how I feel about revealing my transness:

* No one has a "right" to know my past. My past is mine to reveal or conceal as I see fit.
* Therefore, I tell people I'm trans only when I want them to get to know me. If I think we might become friends, I really don't think someone can know me without knowing I'm trans, since being male is such a big part of my history.
* I recently came out to my whole church. To me, my church is becoming my family, and I wanted my family to know me.
* I'm 5'11" tall. I have an Adam's Apple. A lot of people in my community know I'm trans. So I'll never be stealth, and I have to assume many people will find or figure it out.
* I react very harshly to anyone who outs me. This has happened a few times. I heard excuses like "well, I assumed they'd know", or "I thought you were 'out'". I am very assertive and firm on those occasions that it is my decision what I want to reveal about my past.

As you can see, it's a complicated question. I hope this helps.

[Myarkstir]

This is my opinion and i do not force it on anyone. Just my rules of life.

By not hiding what i am a do not have to fear being outed or the consequenses of being outed. People kniw what i am i answer questions openly if they are from people who want to learn but do not broadcast it at the same time. But it stops at me and no one else. I do not talk about others of our community, it is their business.

Now mind you  quebec provincial laws for gender duscrimination are very strict and protect us. There are even legal precedents 

[devention]

It honestly depends on the situation an individual is in and how they want to live their life.
For example, someone living in Russia I could not, in good faith, suggest to come out to anybody except perhaps very carefully chosen friends and/or family members and/or romantical partners. Coming out to any and everyone would be a foolhardy, dangerous venture that would net nothing but perhaps a martyr. Depending on how you view it, the best case scenario is either death or "prison".
Someone living in, say, Ontario, however, I'd say come out if you're comfortable with it. I advise coming out to romantic/sexual interests as soon as possible, A) so you don't get attached to someone who is going to dump you over an aspect of your life and body over which you have little to no control and B) so you can be honest with said person. Someone living stealth may want to wait longer than I, who is quite out. With, like, everyone.
Personally, I'm very out. All my co workers know (almost) all my family knows. All of my friends know. It's in profiles I have online.
I view where I came from as an important part of my history, and having trans voices anywhere is important. Visibility means more education means more acceptance.
But I totally understand people who want to live stealth. 100%. I thought I'd want to be that way for a long time before I realized that I'd do more good as an educator. That kind of role isn't for everyone. It's not a bravery issue by any means. It's a "threshold for BS" issue, like any educator has to deal with.
People have to choose what's right for them. With the exception of people you are going to be/are in a romantic, sexual relationship with, I don't think there's ANYONE you have to tell. On a personal level, I think trans people should tell people that they're intimate with about their history. I feel like keeping something like that from someone you're in a relationship with is a huge breach of trust.
I read an FML once where the OP got literally to her marriage bed with her new husband and found out right before they were about to have sex for the first time that he was a trans dude and hadn't had a phallo. And people were raging at her for being "transphobic". That's not transphobia, IMO. That's someone who you trusted keeping an enormous secret from you, essentially lying by omission. To me, that's unacceptable. Again, just my opinion. YMMV.
But with the exception of that, I don't think there is anyone any trans person absolutely HAS to tell. Not everyone has to be a crusader for trans awareness. I think most people would rather just be able to live a quiet, average life as average people (I know there's a better way to phrase it, but it's not coming right now. Many apologies).
If you want it something only select people know, that's your decision. No one should take it from you. And in any case, no one should out you without your permission.

[Maleth]

It depends on your specific situation (and possibly location, like Devention mentioned) but my personal opinion is that nobody needs to know except the ones closest to me, like only some of my family and my partner, of course.

[Teela Renee]

Aside from my girlfriend all my other friends irl know me as a plain jane female.

[Jessica Merriman]

Personally I am not ashamed of being trans so I personally tell people because it is a part of who I am. It also lessens my stress because I don't have to worry about any blowback from people who may feel I lied to them. Makes relationships so much easier in my personal opinion and allows them to be built on trust and not deception. This is just my personal opinion though so no one take offense.

[Bombadil]

No one is obligated to tell. And there are going to be situations where it will not be safe/comfortable to tell. I totally respect people who choose to live stealth.

Having said that, I hope there are people who will tell and be open about their experience. I hope I can be one of those people. Exposure is going to go a long way towards eliminate ignorance and prejudice.

A few days ago I made a post on my facebook about how I knew I was transgender. It was only for friends so I wasn't broadcasting it to the whole world. But I was sharing a lot more about my life (not just trans* issues) than I have with that group of people. Today I was talking to a coworker who read my page. She has not always been the most open minded person. She said that she was glad she knew me and glad I posted. That because she knew me and liked me she wanted to understand and she read the whole (very long) post and she understands more. She asked me some questions to make sure she really was getting it. She said without me, who she considers a friend, sharing, sharing she would have never made an effort to understand and now she will be more accepting of others.

Also today it was officially announced at my work and I shared that announcement with the volunteers I supervise. Many of them replied saying supportive things. One of them said he's dealing with similar issues at the moment. The way he phrased it I don't know if it's him, one of his kids, his wife or what but I sensed a lot behind his words. I offered to talk with him outside of work and he quickly grabbed the chance saying he is very confused and there will be no judgement involved. If I wasn't open, he wouldn't have had that opportunity.

So, that was long winded It's been one heck of a day. Ultimately what you do is up to and you are not obligated to do anything.

[Joanna Dark]

The answers are no and no. A double NO. You should only tell people who you want and feel the need to tell for whatever reason. For instance, let's say I move to california and start a new life. I'm post-op, name changed, have a new job and a new life. I pass perfectly and no one suspects a thing. Maybe HR knows, but they said we'll keep it on the DL. So, do I tell any one of my co-workers? Absolutely not. I have worked in both the corporate and small business world (publishing, specifically, magazine editor) and stuff like that spreads like wildfire. I want to be recognized and live my life as a woman, not a trans woman. But that's me. Maybe if I really trusted someone then I would and they would understand because it is a big deal and people get it. But I'm barely 30 and look younger when I take care of myself and have a long life ahead of me. And so I want it to be as a woman, in women's circles, with close female friendships (who, I may tell, all depending) and don't want the whole trans thing impinging on that. I mean I'm technically IS but hardly feel like giving everyone I meet a confusing two hour lecture on the translocation of the male-specific SRY gene onto the X chromosome that gave me this thing, instead of a pretty little sunflower.

As far as men (or women if that's your thing), that's tricky. I heard from a very smart and successfully woman on here that she waits to the third date to disclose. This give the man time to get to know you and make an informed decision based on your personality and how much likes you, rather than disclosing on the first date and having it be about "that." Give yourself a shot. As long as you didn't have sex with him, and you should wait to the third date anyway if you want a relationship, then you did nothing wrong and it isn't lying. You have no obligation to disclose every medical thing that happened to you right away. In fact, my BF and I were discussing our friend and how she keeps dating these guys and spewing out every detail and her whole life story on the first date and then wonders why they don't call. Men like mystery.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.   

[Jessika Lin]

I very much agree with Suzi and Joanna. Personally, I'm not hiding who I am, I'm not shouting it for the world to hear either. If I think someone should know(and that is a VERY select group), they will know.

[GnomeKid]

I feel that we should when we know that it is safe, and when it matters.  Both sort of are left up to interpretation, I suppose, because you may tell someone who doesn't care who then may out you to someone who may cause an unsafe situation, and when it does and does not matter is an even more wishy-washy statement. 

I think its important for people to know I'm trans in order to know that trans people are not unbalanced people that only exist as an other to themselves.  I find coming out after someone already has an appreciation for you as a person to be best.  That way they almost have to entirely reevaluate their previous misconception of trans people.  Instead of judging you from the start as a trans person.  In my experience coming out does more good than bad.  Not saying that I was necessarily a big part of these people's transition, but after I came out in my undergrad program two other transmen came out and transitioned.  Sometimes people just need someone else to make them realize everything might be okay.  Apart from that I was almost bombarded by questions after coming out.  People who had never bothered to talk to me were asking me all sorts of questions.  Some people may take offense to that kind of thing, but people are naturally curious about what they don't know.  If you've never experienced a trans person before you're going to have questions.  I was always willing to answer anything that came my way to the best of my ability.  As a minority, its a bit of a shame, but we become diplomats and representatives of our own cause almost by default.  I've always found that the more open about who I am and who we as trans people are the more accepting people are.  Making a good impression upon the general public as a trans person is going to make them more likely to want to stand up for us later on.  While for some it may be the ultimate goal, and for good reason, we do almost no good by staying completely under wraps. 

That being said, I've been in grad school for 2 years and come out to no one in my department.  While steadfastly in favor of spreading trans awareness and acceptance around (by being an out and at least somewhat proud ftm), I also don't think its necessary to cloud up life with a whole lot of drama bull->-bleeped-<-.  I never become friendly enough with anyone in my department for me to be able to come out without it being a big ole thing, so I haven't.  Oddly enough, people in other departments at the school are well aware. 

If I'm going to actually be friends with someone on a regular basis, though, they pretty much need to know I'm trans.  I don't live a life that is so unaffected by my trans status that I can fit in with straight society without feeling like some sort of spy.  Its awkward and uncomfortable.  Maybe life would have been better for me if I was born male, but I'm trans and its effect ripples through most aspects of life in some way or another.  I don't like needing to hide anything about my past.  My life has not been that of a typical male's in almost any way.  I don't really consider a friendship real unless I feel comfortable to bring up my past in a reasonably uninhibited manner.

[solexander]

I don't think you necessarily need to- it shouldn't be an obligation. Personally, I like people to know I'm trans if I'm close to them or would like to be- basically, it's an initiation into being my close friend, haha. I also like to have other trans people know I'm trans, so they know they can talk to me about anything they need to.

[TessaMarie]

I am "out" as trans to most people in my personal life in Philly at this point.  This is despite me still presenting a male front to the world 99.x% of the time.

At work, I told my supervisor & my manager because I felt uncomfortable having to hide my torso for a week while sharing a hotel room with a colleague.  Neither had any problem with me being trans.  I did make a point of telling the person with whom I share my shift; that was for the peace of mind of knowing I didn't have to hide it for the several hours when there were just the two of us at the work site.

I concur with Devention, Christopher & GnomeKid.  Just as I represent all of Narcotics Anonymous each time I admit to being in NA, I also see myself representing trans folk in general when I admit being trans.

People see me living my life with integrity.  I tend to be as honest as I can, as often as I can. 
I have been very happy in a loving marriage for 13 years.  Most of those who know my wife & I have told us multiple times that we seem to have the "perfect marriage" (or words to that effect). 
I work hard, and I am good at my job.  People see that also. 
I am also human, with human faults & failings, to which I readily admit. 

All of this is a large part of the person I present to the world.  I have found that some people need to re-evaluate their opinion of "what trans folk are" when they learn that I also happen to be trans.  Even more so since I very rarely present as female.  Some people seem confused that I still present as male most of the time.  My presence & identity are challenging their definitions of gender.

Being open about being trans gives me freedom from worrying about who might know.  It also allows those who know me see that trans folk are not really all that different from anyone else. 

I may never change the world, but maybe I can make a difference in the neighbourhood.

Tessa

[Felix]

I prefer to tell people if doing so isn't dangerous and isn't going to be too confusing. Some people I tell even if I know it will be confusing or a little dangerous, if the benefit is great enough or if I'm sure they'll find out eventually. I'm out in so many contexts that I try to be ready to deal with the matter if someone I haven't told finds out.

I don't think you have any obligation to be out with anyone who isn't a sex partner. It isn't devious or wrong to avoid disclosure of your trans status any more than it would be wrong to keep your maiden name or what medications you take a secret from most people.

[JourneyFromConfusion]

I personally don't feel I should disclose my personal information to anyone aside an intimate partner. I've been called "sir" for years off and on now and the only person who ever has corrected anyone is my mom or someone I'm with that goes "It's 'she'". I'm not tied up into pronouns as I realize that gender is perceived in different ways. No one needs to know what is or isn't in my pants unless we're sleeping together so that we can discuss whether they are comfortable being sexual with me because of this.

I also believe school staff should know to keep awkward occurrences down (such as calling out someone's birth name because their legal name hasn't been changed yet or asking someone why they're using a specific bathroom). Other than that, there's no reason to. Many times, telling the fact that we're transgender can bring more hate/bullying than we're used to. In this situation, the whole "what they don't know won't hurt them" is very applicable as some people will see you in a completely different light if you tell this piece of information to.

[melanie maritz]

I don't know how I feel about this. I want only close friends to know and others ONlY if I myself decide to tell them, no one else.

Like at the beginning of the year , I was at a bday party and this one girl that knew I was trans told this guy she likes that I am trans since he had no idea.  I felt angry but at the same time I never told her to not tell everyone.

That's another thing, if you keep telling someone here and someone there, you don't always tell them not to tell other people and then they just talk freely about it