lack of transgender recognition from gay friend

[Madison (kiara jamie)]

so i don't know if anyone has noticed but i haven't been to active over the past couple months, work, work and omgbustyourassalldaywork, has kept me busy lately, sorry about the rant but i feel like i just need to get this out, and would appreciate any advice, and sorry for the wall of text

anyways i had a free weekend about 8 days ago and i decided to join my friend(who is a gay male) and his partner for saturday at there properties pool for drinks and associated fun, anyways i showed up and was greeted well and my friend was quite happy to see me, he was kind and nice and in a generally good mood, we got our beers and went off to the pool, now i am still presenting as male, and i seem to not have anyone doubt it even though i have well past my shoulders long hair, and my friend and his partner know about me being trans and that i go by the name madison when i am presenting as female, i don't worry to much about them failing at pronouns or names when i am en femme because i understand that is difficult to use them when you have known someone as male for so long, but when my friend introduced me to his friends he used my name madison, to which i was not presenting as at all, i corrected him and continued to introduce myself, i know its kind of hard to get mad at my friend since he was quite intoxicated and he might not understand that i am not full time yet, but it kind of really hurt and embarrassed me, then as being transgender i have learnt to not take things personally,

so the afternoon continued on and the sun started going down and we decided to leave for diner, we went to a resturant in the bottom floor of their building and i sat down and ordered food for myself and for the two of them while they went to the bathroom, i told them that i was paying for the food and to not worry about it, when they came back my friend was very intoxicated and from what i know about him he was on some narcotics, he was erratic, frustrated, antsy, and worst of all extremely loudly being rude and offensive towards the people around us that were minding their own business by calling them ->-bleeped-<-s and homophobes, and when the waitress came by he told her to hurry up in a downright assholish voice, i was extremely embarassed and ashamed at that very moment that i was even associated with him at that moment and proceeded to regain some dignity by chewing him a new one in a very loud tone, to which im quite sure most of the patrons heard me and how angry i was with him, the whole time he was acting like a 4 year old pretending like he wasn't in the wrong, after i finished yelling at him i went up to the waitress and apologized as much as i could in the hopes of her not spitting in the food and i guess she was quite understanding of the situation, when our food finally came he was trying to take his keys so he could leave and go back to his place, and when he couldn't get them he would throw a temper tantrum,

finally we left the restaurant and got back to their place, we went out on the deck and watched the sun set and it was actually quite a peaceful moment until my friend started getting upset that i hadn't left, yet when the original plan was to go back out after to the local gay bar, so we were talking on the deck and the topic of my sexual preference towards women came up and my friend just scoffed at me and stomped off, to which he mumbled the words "yea right", now this friend i have known for probably 7 years, back before he was out of the closet and before i had told him i was trans, and in the past he has tried to take advantage of me when i was drunk, and told me that i would be into guys one day, he constantly refers to me as a drag and assumes im only transgender because i want to sleep with straight men, so i finally feel like i have dealt with enough at this point and i just say "ok ya, your totally right -------, i love men with their hairy bodies and penis' and whatever other things that make them attractive, now does that make you happy ------, is that what you wanted to hear me say?", to which he freaks out and tells his partner that he wants me to leave, at this point i ignore him and him and his partner go inside and talk for a couple minutes, then return and his partner asks me to leave, i understand how he was badgered into saying it and i have no hard feelings towards him as he is extremely supportive of me and has the kindest heart towards me, he feels like a kind brother,

as i am leaving i ask my friend to talk to him outside and i proceeded to tell him that i have had enough of his ->-bleeped-<- and i can't be friends with someone who acts like a child and treats me like garbage everytime we hang out, he doesn't respect me as transgender and constantly refers to me as rupaul{to which i find extremely insulting since rupaul isn't even transgender and is just a drag queen that makes transgender people look like trash},

now after that night, his partner has been trying to contact me to try and smooth things out with me, i assume, i haven't responded to his texts and i don't know if i want to since in the past my friend had always been jealous of me thinking that i was trying to steal his partner, i am just wondering if i should just tell him that i am willing to be friends with him but i will never hang out with him if he is still dating my old friend? or if i should just walk away and ditch them both?

[katiej]

It all depends.  It sounds to me like alcohol may have had a lot to do with his behavior that night.  The problem is that people's true feelings often come up when drunk and their politeness filter is turned off.  Has he said similar things while sober?

I heard a great quote regarding this sort of relationship, "I can't control you, but I can control my proximity to you."  If he won't show you the proper respect, then you don't need to endure the abuse.

Unfortunately we trans people are the black sheep of the LGBT community.  We have a very different experience, and are still not well understood.  For LGB's they make a decision, embrace it, and most are relatively open about it for the rest of their lives.  They actively fight for acceptance in society.  But we're different ...transition is a relatively short process, and then the majority of us settle into a normal life.  We're looking to blend in, and that's how we get society to leave us alone. 

[Sammy]

Ummm, gay dudes can be like that. Next time, when he is showing his ignorance again, just tell him to quit his "gay lifestyle" and become straight once and for all. They friggin' hate this, but You know what? If they think that being transgender is a choice, then we can rebut that being gay is a lifestyle. Not very polite, but some people are just a**oles.

[katiej]

Well said, Emily!

[YinYanga]

I don't really like an eye for an eye but if he's like just as unreasonable sober as he was drunk, I wouldnt like to stay friends with him. His partner is probably having a hard time with him aswell if this is any indication. If I had to choose between my own selfworth or some fake support I know what to choose

[stephaniec]

I don't know , but if you've known him that long just sit down with him when he's sober and put everything on the table and see what happens

[Jess42]

Sound to me like he isn't that good of a friend after all. The bad thing about alcohol is that it goes two ways, either someone becomes a goodtime Charlese or Charlenes and other become butthole Bretts or Bridgettes. Really sounds like he has a problem with alcohol and becomes the butthole type. Not just to you but also everyone else around him. Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore. Unfortuatley alcohol has a tendency to be a sort of truth serum too.

[alabamagirl]

I would have dropped him a long time ago. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

[Joanna Dark]

You're in the unfortunate situation of if you drop one, you drop the other, since they're partners, of course this isn't always true. But, I'd talk to the non-A hole one and see how it goes. The other one: IDK. You could be the bigger person, but I would maybe keep him at a distance. I'm never for just getting rid of people as everyone can change and you shouldn't give endless chances, but you two were BFFs and all once, yes? So, maybe he needs time or maybe you guys need time apart. Have you had the latter for a signficcant period, I'm talking months and months not weeks. Others times friendships are toast and it just happens. Whatever happens, you should not accept any disrespectful behavior again. But at the same time, being trans requires a thick skin. I gues it all depends on how much the one means to you and how much you're willing to forgive.

[Jess42]

You said he tried to take advantage of you in the past. Could mean he had and still may have a thing for you and resents you for being trans and not gay. Alcohol and or drugs may have intensified those feelings. But still there is no excuse calling other people in the restaurant homophobes and ->-bleeped-<-s. And the number one rule, do not ever PO your waitress or the cook. I would have been afraid to drink anything or eat anything from there after that. Hopefully it was just him she blamed and not you other two. I have been with friends like this in restaurants and believe me I apologise profusely, promise a big tip and kiss the waiter or waitresses butt afterward and still check my food or drinks for any "floaties". Usually they tell me not to worry and let my butthole friend can deal with their vengeance. The way I see it, they desrved it anyway. But OMG i have promised and paid out some pretty hefty tips. Usually 100% of the check just because they had to deal with them.

[JesseG]

He sounds like he has a few problems. Who the hell gets drunk and yells at people (including staff) at a restaurant? Even at my most inebriated, falling-down, can't-see-straight-drunk I wouldn't chew out some poor soul that's just trying to work for a living. I guess the alcohol revealed a bit too much of his real personality.

And if he says that it's the drugs that are making him this way? I bet he wasn't high every time he called you disparaging things.

Drop him. Don't hang around a person that intentionally and repeatedly makes you feel like crap. Being gay is not an excuse for being an ->-bleeped-<-.

[Madison (kiara jamie)]

so just and update, i have unfriended him on facebook and don't plan on trying to regain the friendship, the world is full of people that would be happy to be my friend, that act like grown adults and are willing to actually accept me being transgender,

i am staying friends with his partner and we will probably stay close friends now that they are breaking up and i find him to be a genuine and decent person that supports me in my transition and is not trying to take advantage of me in a very developmental stage of my transition,

its coming to a point were my friends will either become closer to me, pretend that they support me, or will just walk away and i have to recognize which relationships that i keep are healthy for me to continue seeing those people in my life with transition

[janetcgtv]

Jess:

You are right about to PO your waitress or the cook. On a TV program, they peed onto the plate of a customer who protested.

Madison:

I'm sorry you had to drop him as no one should take any abuse from anyone regardless if their drunk or high or not. A friend always treats another with respect and concern for the other. If he would of been a relative(only) you can welcome them back if they would change. Until then keep your distance. The friend who abused you should just be a ex.

Emily:

I like your attitude that to hit him on the topic that being gay is a life style choice and that he shouldn't have any rights. If it wasn't for the drag queens protesting in New York in 1969 at Stonewall, he wouldn't have any rights even now.