Hello to the world of Susan's Place.
I was born male, but from the age of four, have always had the inkling that something was not quite right. I went through my entire childhood keeping this a secret, and the only time anything happened about it, was the few times I was able to put on some clothes of my mother, or my older sister. And on those occasions, whilst there was nothing sexual about it, I felt happy, I felt normal, I felt I was who I was supposed to be. I even went so far as to wear one my sisters one piece bathing suits to school under my uniform one day, and it felt normal.
Fast forward to university, and the internet. I started my university degree, and started surfing the internet. That is when I became aware of the wider world, a world where everyone does not necessarily fall into one of two categories, and is stuck there (ie male or female, gay or straight etc). It is also where I came across the term transgender, and I realised that the inner feelings that I had kept secret for so long, were ones telling me that I should be female. However, with the upbringing I had, I was brought up to respect my parents, respect my family, and not to do anything that would embarrass or dishonour them. It essentially meant that I was brought up to make sure that I made everyone else happy, but not to worry about myself.
But I wasn't happy. I tried doing everything I could to make myself happy, but I realised that the only thing that would make me happy, was to become a woman. I started researching on the internet what I needed to do, but back then there was very little in the way of transgender resources on the internet. And because I was afraid of embarrassing or disrespecting everyone I knew, if I told them about my internal struggles, everything stayed bottled up. I couldn't even tell my closest friends at university, the majority of which were females ( because I always felt more comfortable around girls than I did around guys). I did have one friend, who out of the blue one day asked me about crossdressing, and I admitted to him that I did, and he told me that he did too...but I couldn't open up to him about anything else. I wish I had, because I later found out that he was going through the same as me, and had transitioned into being female.
I met a girl. I became engaged to her. I married her. We had a child. We have another one on the way. But despite trying to tell her of how I feel on several occasions, I don't think she is fully aware of the situation. While my parents may have stumbled across my stash of female clothing, and once or twice nearly caught me wearing something, they have never known the situation I am in.
I know how I feel, but never knew how to go about actually doing something about it. Fortunately, I was sent to a psychologist by my work (on an unrelated matter). At the end of my second session with her, I opened up. In the third session, I told her everything. And over the course of the next couple of years, she got a very good understanding of my internal struggles. While she had no experience in gender issues, she did not recoil when I told her, she did not try to put me into aversion therapy. She did not tell me that it was wrong. She encouraged me to seek out help from others more experienced in matters relating to gender.
So I researched on the internet again, found an online forum, found some recommendations for some transgender friendly doctors, and went to a medical centre. The doctor sat me down, listened to my story, explained the normal course of action for someone to transition, and gave me a referral to see a psychiatrist. I went to three sessions with the psychiatrist, then stopped, because I felt he didn't have my best interests at heart, and that he wasn't interested in hearing my story. During this time I also met up with a group of transgender people, most of which were in their late 50's/early 60's (I am in my 30's), and was virtually bullied by them out of ever doing anything. So all of my feelings, all of my desires, just got bottled up again.
But that is not the end of it. After a year or two, I couldn't keep things bottled up anymore. After my experiences with the psychiatrist and the group, I decided to find out whether there was any other way I could look at transitioning. I did a lot of research, and came across various herbs that could help. Tried some over the course of several months, but nothing really happened. By this time, I had opened up to my former housemate (who lived with my wife and I), and a former work friend, but no-one else knew, and they were both fully supportive of me. I looked into self-medicating, and even went so far as obtaining some birth control pills from a female friend of mine which had what I would have needed, but never ended up taking them, because I wanted to do this properly.
Again, on the encouraging of my psychologist, I decided to research the internet again for someone to help me again. I re-joined an internet forum that I used to be on. I went back to the medical centre again, explained what had happened with the psychiatrist four years previously, and got a referral to see a different psychologist. Then, on my own, I found yet another psychologist, one who specialises in gender issues.
This psychologist listened to my life story, listened to my life experiences, how I identified more with the female gender etc...and she gave me a diagnosis that actually surprised me...that I was a clear cut case of gender dysphoria, and she saw no reason why I shouldn't be able to transition. All that currently remains is for me to get my bloodwork done, and I will finally be on my way.
So that is who I am, and why I am on here...for the help and guidance that so many others have been able to get from here.
