[blah, blah] Where I am now.

[Asche]

I don't have anything exciting to report about my life.  (If you're looking for excitement, the "what did you last eat/drink" thread might be more to your taste )

I'm still seeing a therapist and a separate gender therapist.  I'm still on anti-depressants, which don't make me feel better but, like Powdermilk Biscuits, do give me the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

These days, I'm sewing summer dresses for myself; I've finished one that's not all that interesting to look at, and I hope to finish another one in the next week that's a little "girlier" (pink, blue, with a spring green skirt, and lace around the collar); I'll post a picture when I'm done.  Lots of fabric, lots of intentions, but the doing is a lot slower than the imagining.

I'm sort of thinking of removing my beard hair, maybe as a first step towards transition or maybe just so.  Even if I never transition, it would be great not to have the hair on my neck and under my chin, the stuff I still shave off because it's uncomfortable and looks yucky.  I'm not real attached to the beard, except literally, I only have it because it's easier than shaving and IMHO less ugly than 5-o'clock shadow.

My understanding of myself is moving at a glacial pace.  I now admit to myself that I would rather have a female body and don't like my body as it is, and that I've always disliked it.  But I haven't decided whether I dislike it enough to go through the agony and uncertainty of changing it and the fear that when it's all done I'll realize I've made a terrible mistake.  (Too bad I can't just go to a body shop and pick out a new one.)  I still haven't figured out if I want to live as a woman, or if I'm just sick to death of living as a man and living as a woman seems like the only alternative.  Mostly, I just feel meh about everything and can't convince myself that either changing or staying the same will make any difference.  Just waiting to get around to being planted....

And yet -- the idea of living as a woman (or maybe it's just my fantasy of living as a woman) seems like living in color instead of living in black-and-white (more like dusty sepia and white) the way I do now.  I've tried to explain to my gender counselor what exactly "being a woman" means and why it's attractive, and I can't say anything that makes any sense.

But I look at the women I see on the street, in the subway, on the train, and I find myself envying them.  I'm not sure what, exactly, and when I try to figure it out, it doesn't seem to fit with anything I know about women's lives.  I envy being able to dress and look cute, pretty, decorative, (maybe even -- dare I say -- sexy?)  like I think someone would want to look at me and i would want them to.  I wish I could have a body like theirs, not this gross male one.  I imagine they're able/allowed to be human, to care and be soft and vulnerable, to be close, in contrast to my experience of my life and of other men, who all seem to be golems, or animated suits of armor, or maybe there are real live souls imprisoned inside, dragged along by the imperatives of their golemish shells (who can tell?)  I want to be desirable just for being me (warts and all), like a wildflower or a cute kitten.  And maybe to not feel like I have to get up each morning and justify my existence.  (And I imagine if any FAAB people have slogged through this far, they'll be saying, "dream on, bro."  Or maybe just "you've got to be kidding!")

[mrs izzy]

And that is why it is call transition.

You take all the time you need and if you wish to walk more steps down the path then do so with conviction.

Yes it is very hard to know.

You will be fighting many fears on the way.

There where be times you will say why.

Then you will try and answer the way, in doing so will fill your mind with all your fears.

For me the keys where whys do not matter. These can not be changed, it is what it is. Fears are just excuses to not move forward or to allow one self inner happiness. So if you can stop the first 2 and then add confidence in your self as a real person in what you know is your know gender then you have the tools to move through all aspects of your lives path.

I wish you safe passage and peace in your understand you are who you are.

[Taka]

the reason for wanting to be the opposite sex might just be something as simple as wanting to at least look like the gender you are. all those lucky cis guys who look like guys... they even have typical male equipment (though many aren't too satisfied with the size, i know that, but still wish).
-sigh-

at least it seems good that you've accepted your wish as real, even if you're still not sure whether it's just a fantasy that attracts.
do you have any good male fantasies though?

[Asche]

the reason for wanting to be the opposite sex might just be something as simple as wanting to at least look like the gender you are.

It's a little more complicated for me, since if I am some particular gender in the depths of my soul or whatever, my brain has not seen fit to tell me about it.  I've actually never figured out what it means to "be a gender", beyond anatomy and upbringing.  When people (cis or trans) say "I always knew I was a girl/boy," it makes no sense to me, sort of like a blind person trying to understand what day-glo orange looks like.

What I'm doing at this point is trying things (on) and seeing what things feel right, and trying to figure out what kind of life would fit me best.  If I do decide to transition to female, I don't think it will be because I've decided my "real gender" is female, but because I've decided that a female body and/or life fit me better and are more workable than any other option I can think of.

do you have any good male fantasies though?

I assume  you mean fantasies in which I'm male, above and beyond my real life where I live as a man.

Well, in those fantasies where I am male, I am (almost?) always living a pretty (traditionally) feminine role despite not pretending to be female.  Typically, living in a house and social circle consisting almost entirely of women, dressing in feminine clothes, managing a household (rather than having a paying job outside the home), and generally taking a subservient role with the people (women) in my life.  Rather like the 1960's idea of men and women, except with the roles more or less reversed.

In the ones where I take a more assertive role, I'm invariably female.

So they're all pretty transgender, one way or another.

[Asche]

You take all the time you need ...

There's a limit, though.  If my parents are any guide, I have at most two decades left.  If I keep dithering around, I'll be dead before I even get started on whatever it is I'm going to do.  It's getting to be *** or get off the toilet time.  (Yes, I'm crude, too.)

Fears are just excuses to not move forward or to allow one self inner happiness.

Well, I've always moved forward, on the theory that if I don't, I'm not all that different from dead anyway.  But I've never been able to convince myself that "inner happiness" actually exists.  I've always seen it as something like Santa Claus or the tooth fairy.  Despair exists, though, I can tell you that.

[Taka]

inner happiness exists. i experiences it when i was 13/14, for a few days when i was 17, and... well, the last few months. not all the time, but most days would have me feel short moments of happiness. i didn't really believe i could find this feeling again, but i feel lucky to have known on beforehand that it actually is possible.

sounds like you do know what reasons you have to at least try on the appearance of the opposite sex. seems very similar to my own, but in the system where it seems i'll have to use if i'm to ever transition, that reason really isn't good enough. sadly.

(is that male fantasy a good one, like, do you think that would be an acceptable happy ending?)

[Asche]

... but in the system where it seems i'll have to use if i'm to ever transition, that reason really isn't good enough. sadly.

I'm sorry to hear that.

If you don't mind my asking, what is the "system [where] it seems I'll have to use"?

(is that male fantasy a good one, like, do you think that would be an acceptable happy ending?)

It's a fun fantasy, but even if it were possible to live that way in real life, I might still long to have a female body.  To the extent my body figures in the fantasy at all, it's androgynous: unless I'm completely naked, I look like I could be a girl that just hasn't gone through puberty.  Very different from my actual body.

So, the answer is "probably not."

(ETA:)  Actually, even with a female body, I'm not sure I'd really want to live that fantasy.  It's too much in the other direction from what I have now.  But it does tell me some of what I'm missing in my life.