Hi all
My name is Isis, I pre-op trans, on hormones for 3 years living as a woman for 6 years and 7months now and I'm at a point where it's really getting to me that I still look quite male; I didn't do so in the past when I first came out, after stepping forward with my real life experience I was so full of energy and fear, realizing I could be free of my male past, doing speech therapy, dressing really well I can't tell you how much I loved wearing my pin stripe pencil skirt, thick black fashion belt [which felt more like a Corset] which white top and black srug for work, Make up was done to perfection [though even now I still need work but I am satisfied with what I can do], and four inch black patent leather heels to work...I felt free!
Then it all changed: I lost a friend of over 10years because he couldn't accept me as a Transexual Woman, another 2 friends wouldn't accept me both who verbally attack after going out to party in summer 2010 both were my friends and cis women I'd let them past all the barriers, I trusted them, same for another friend I went on holiday to stay with for 4 days everything went fine for day 1 and 2, 3 wasn't so good I was called up about how I dressed and my friend she wasn't accustomed to holding back her words, again with friends 3 close ones 1 male, 1 female, 1 post op trans, Male friend was a bit non plus, Female Friend could accept and Trans Friend said she liked me as I was! The Majority all said 'oh don't cut your cock off, don't cut your cock'! the harassment by children in the street, by adults, by tramps, having to walk alternate or large distances around local schools' to going to work [it was too close to get a bus] due a head teacher of local school being out one morning with two police officers trying to point me out...point me out for what?!!, my god I've walking the same way to work for four years, dressed for 2 year and now...now I'm threat, I would take the full impact of an coming vehicle for any child in danger of being run over in that school, and I know not one of them!!! My sisters are polar opposites, one's totally fine with me being Trans the other had clearly stated that I'm not to come round to her house dressed, very close cousin who has extreme difficulty call me a transwoman, she just can't do it. I lost my call centre Job because of my temper, giving it back rude people, all stemming from years and years of hate, and betrayal.
I'm now 36 years, I have an agency Job which due to finish in 4 weeks, I've been off for two days with back pain, I live with my friend who is a Cis Gendered Woman and will not talk about thing Trans as she doesn't associate with anything Trans at all, an ex girlfriend/good friend is stepping on the right path in her transition, but is being delayed by the NHS is difficult to speak to her because I feel it unfair to speak to her about hormones and transitioning, because she has not even been given the green light to start on hormones, and other friends who just wouldn't know what to do if I started to tell them how feel... I wake up everyday in fear of my friends as to whether they will turn on me again, I live fear ever being able to get a Job and hold on to it for my than 2 years, I live in fear of being the woman that in my heart I want to be and being harassed in public for it so I live a half life no femme clothes, no femme, no femme voice, living under the radar, staying out of sight wearing just enough make-up, but not too much, staying in the shadows, over eating, smoking too much, drinking staying up late...and I've grown sick of it, but I'm too afraid to trust anyone who is close to me to ask for help.
So I ask for help for you all, what can I do? I don't want to reach 46 and not feel like the woman I am and I'm tired of the half arsed safety look I have, it's not even androgynous! I've worked so hard for everything, to unlearn male mannerisms, only to go back to using them because I was scared half to death by friends, family and society for just for being a Transwoman, lost my job, watching my life fall apart; what on this Earth can I do?
