New girl on the block

[Tess92]

Hello my name is Tess, I'm 21 from Sheffield, UK

I first time I can remember have issues with my gender was around 13/14, I have always acted in a feminine manner in bits and bots of my life, I used to make myself little outfits and it felt really good to be dressed up, when I was 14 I stole some of my mum's makeup and "attempted" haha to wear it, as you can imagine it didn't go very well and I quickly removed it, the next day we went out for a meal and my mum asked if i has mascara on, I must have not got rid of it right but I was really embarrassed by it and I think that sent me back inside to recover.

So 8 years later, after a dozen girlfriends, a miscarriage, engagement, thousands of pounds of debt, and half a dozen soul destroying jobs, I decided to come back out it started with just looking at other girls, then it became an addiction I couldn't go shopping with the girlfriend without looking at women's clothes I just wanted to grab them all and wear them, months passed and the depression got worse we fought we broke up got back together, bla bla bla I was still depressed that was until last monday...when I bought my first pair of underwear I never felt so alive i was dripping with sweat buying them incase I got questioned, but as soon as the receipt popped out i ran to the car and put them on as soon as I could, oh my god I never felt so alive my depression gone, im finally happy again although...

The journey isn't over yet, I just got a 210 on the cogiati test and I'm currently waiting to see a councillor about my depression and relationship issues where I'm going to bring this up, and hopefully they believe me..hopefully I can be who i really am, i've come out to a few people, not my family or my girlfriend I dropped a hint to her "jokingly" and she said she'd leave me if so, but i've gotta do this for me right? I have a friend who is also from Sheffield she has helped me out a lot, but one thing she said that scared me is that I need to be dressed full time, and addressed as Tess for 2 years before I can even start, I have a large masculine body and if I did dress full time i'd get beaten up where I live, I want to be who I am but I don't want to be beaten up for just being me

But anyway that's me, and maybe one day il be who i want to be

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello Tess.  Welcome to Susan's!!  Over here you'll find some wonderful people with interesting lives, and we're all basically trying to make sense of the weird hand of cards we've been dealt.

Cogiati may not be a cure-all test, but it's a helpful pointer and I think if the results resonate with how you feel, this is of primary significance.   

My advice to you is to focus on you for a time.  Make good use of a sensitive and insightful therapist and explore yourself.  Be ready for a bit of a roller-coaster ride, but remember that you are always in control, except for the occasional loop where you just need to hang on and breathe.

I get you regarding Sheffield and your girlfriend.  Again, focus on you.  The right people will stay with you during your journey, and a city is just a city.  A new one might do you good at some point in time. (See where I am )

I know that dysphoria is difficult, however if you manage to see this as a journey, gain insight into yourself from it and enjoy yourself on the way ("enjoy" is not quite the right word, but it's closer than "find satisfaction") you will have accomplished something really valuable as a person.

Hugs
Julia.

[Ms Grace]

Hey Tess!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

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Cheers

Grace

[Cindy]

Hi Tess,

I went Sheffield Uni many years ago and lived as me most of the time.

Hopefully some of the UK girls will log on and tell you about the system under the NHS, I know it varies so much from country to country, but I was under the impression that there was no RLE to get HRT in the UK. But I may be wrong.

Hugs and Welcome

[Tess92]

Hi girls, I'm really tiring to focus on myself I'm practising my makeup mainly before I even dare show my face, any words of wisdom to share?

[mrs izzy]

Welcome Tess to Susan's

We promise to not beat you up when you are here.

Many here that can help you in your process moving forward.

Yes the path is a hard walk but it is well worth every step.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi girls, I'm really tiring to focus on myself I'm practising my makeup mainly before I even dare show my face, any words of wisdom to share?

He he he... scars, more likely, mostly emotional    But here's a go.  So that you know, Tess, I realised who I was when I was 25.  It took a lot of therapy!   It took me 20 more years to make the change.  This wasn't wasted time - I had an excellent and positive life and achieved a lot during that time, but I always knew who I wanted to be...

• Be ready to explore who you really are.  At 21 I had no idea; I only became human at 25!  This exploration is hard - it takes you to places that don't feel comfortable.  But try to persevere. 
• Grow a bit of a thick skin.  Young adults are bolshy and ignorant.  You'll have to be able to shrug off their stupidity from time to time.  But it's better to put yourself in an environment where you're likely to meet with intelligent and insightful souls. 
• Be ready to tell the world to get lost and to accept you as you are.  This was hard; it took 20 years for me!
• Take your time.  There is really no rush.  You're working on a major life project and it's too important to rush.  You will know when you're ready.
• Involve your loved ones and friends.  People who really love you will continue to do so.  Give them time to adjust.  Don't waste your time with those who don't support you.
• Eliminate drama:  work as hard as you can to create a stable environment around yourself so that you can give this life project the attention it deserves.  You may need to fix quite a lot of stuff to get here, but it's worth it!
• Remember that you are never going to become a person on the margins of society.
• Hormones are really a small part of any solution.  The girl exists between your ears.  Hormones will help but there's no miracle cure for anything in this life, honey 
• Lead a meaningful life.  There's a lot more to you than just your gender.  Create a meaningful future for yourself.  Study, start a small business, learn a language, travel,  be creative, free yourself from false or imagined limitations.
• For makeup and dressing, less is always more.  If you make your eyes dramatic, make your lips less so.  And have a deep dive into the following website.  Do it with the person you're going to go shopping with  http://www.thechicfashionista.com/

I need a (zero alcohol) beer now 

[CaraVolent]

Greetings Tess!  I'm really new to this site as well.  I just joined last night.  I just came out to everyone close to me, family and my co-workers in the past six months (Jan 2014).  I start hormones this week.  For me, it was more important that everyone new what was going on first and, surprisingly I've found acceptance everywhere.  As far as walking the street en Femme, I've dressed somewhat neutral but I wear girls clothes out pretty much all the time.  I wear girls jeans, tank tops, etc.  I've slowly begun to work in more obviously female garments.  I think everyone transitions differently.  The whole idea of having to be an dress as this other person for two years, albeit even though they are who you really are inside wouldn't work for me either.  I've only just started telling people my new name is going to be Cara.  It takes a lot of courage to go through this journey to the "end'.  It's taken me six months just to get to the point where I'm ready to switch identities and I'm still rediscovering myself as female externally.  I didn't take any special tests or anything.  I went an got an appointment with a therapist at the beginning of this year as having GID, or the likes.  When I saw the therapist it wasn't hard for her to realize this.  If you know you need something bad enough in life to be happy, and it's simply a matter of personal choice than you have to go for it despite how your fears and anxieties get in the way.  You still have to work through your own issues, as well as societies, but realize that a lot of barriers up in your head need to be knocked down in order to succeed at this.  At least, that is what took me six months to come to terms with.  I had to wrestle with a male facade of myself that I created over thirty five years that did not want to be defeated.  However, the real me prevailed.   Good luck on your journey! 

[gennee]

Hi Tess and welcome to Susan's. Congratulations on deciding to be you. There will be struggles but enjoy the ride. Find like minded people like yourself. Don't let other people's criticisms stop you from being you. I came out nine ago at age 57. I'm 66 (tomorrow) and have never been happier.

[antonia]

Welcome to Susan's Tess,

I think we all feel your pain, we share something that most of society can't even imagine let alone comprehend. It's one of the hardest and most confusing things that any person can experience, in fact it's so overwhelming that many of us run off to fight in wars, take up extreme sports or worst of all attempt to end our lives.

On the bright side you have already overcome the hardest part, you have started to accept yourself and in my experience everything starts getting easier at that point. You just have to take baby steps and start loving yourself for who you are, we as a group tend to be some of the most caring, loving and amazing people that you will ever meet, I for one feel so fortunate to be a part of this society and what it stands for.

The journey in front of you is not an easy one but all you have to remember it that it gets better, so so much better.