Social and work cost of transition.

[luna nyan]

A genuine fear for many looking at transition are the non financial costs.  I thought it might be helpful for us to have a thread on this topic.

For those who have transitioned:
1.  What were the social costs that you feared and were they realised?
2.  Did you fear for your work opportunities and did that happen?

For those sitting on the fence:
What are the non financial factors holding you back from transition?

[luna nyan]

As I started the thread I better post an answer.

Non transitioned, living as non binary.
Social cost not for myself but for my children.  I swore that I would not allow them to grow up in a broken household and so far that is working.

Work - I work in a conservative profession and I would basically throw away more than a decades worth of work whilst defaulting on a large business debt.  To recover from that would take the best part of the remainder of my viable working life, as well as failing to make my obligations to my family.

[Cindy]

That I would lose my job and lose the means of supporting my wife.

That I would be ridiculed, particularly at work by my peers

That my patients would suffer.

That I couldn't cope and take the final way out.

The result:

I didn't lose my job, I was promoted. My colleagues have total respect for me and admire me for my decision. I am even now friends with many.

No one ridiculed me, my patients, students and staff respect me so much I could cry.

I'm so crazy happy that I every second of my life is precious.

I made the right decision. Thank Goddess

[Edge]

I'm in the process of physically transitioning and have been living full time as male for over two years now.
1. I feared I would lose my friends, that people would think I'm "really a woman," and that my ex would react badly. My ex is actually fine with it, pretty much all of my friends are supportive, and although I did get some people who think I'm "really a woman," it's not as many as I thought. I also thought no one would ever be attracted to me again, but I currently know a few people who are.
2. I haven't worked since coming out, but that is due to situational factors rather than because I'm trans. (University student who is also a single parent to a small, autistic child in a city where many people are struggling to find work.)
3. Although I am definitely glad I started transitioning, my dysphoria got worse. Before, I was unhappy, but I could stand looking female. Now, there's no friggin way I'm going back and I'm very distressed by how feminine I still look.

[immortal gypsy]

What kept me on the fence tho I am falling off it

Work;
No hr support and I have to deal with people all day. I have nowhere to run and hide I can't cry in the corner during the day if I want. Not only did I have to be sure I wanted to I have to be confident I can at least present as female for a full shift

[suzifrommd]

For those who have transitioned:
1.  What were the social costs that you feared and were they realised?
2.  Did you fear for your work opportunities and did that happen?

1. My main fear was  that I would never find anyone who would be interested in a romantic relationship. So far, pretty dry, but even for attractive cis folks it takes time, so I'm not giving up hope. Also, people here warned me that cis women might not accept me. So far that hasn't happened. Cis women have been very open with me.

2. My union told me I would be transferred to another school. That would have devastated me - all my contacts are at my current location. It's the only place I ever taught. My union turned out to be totally wrong. My school welcomed the female me with open arms.

[Brooke777]

A genuine fear for many looking at transition are the non financial costs.  I thought it might be helpful for us to have a thread on this topic.

For those who have transitioned:
1.  What were the social costs that you feared and were they realised?
2.  Did you fear for your work opportunities and did that happen?

The social costs that I feared were being alienated by everyone, and being assaulted. However, no one alienated me except my abusive wife (good thing). Also, no one has attempted to assault me because I am trans.

Work issues...I feared being fired, didn't happen. I also feared not being able to get a job based on being trans. I am having trouble finding good work, but it has nothing to do with being trans. I pass 98% of the time, and am legally female. I can't find a job because I am extremely over qualified, and people are actually nervous to hire a woman so over qualified. It is quite funny...sort of. I had an easier time finding work when I was obviously trans. It made more sense to those hiring me that a "man" (or former) would have a resume like mine.

[ryanjoseph]

i've yet to medically/legally transition yet, mostly because of the social costs. well, family costs. my mom is my only immediate family and she's completely unsupportive and is taking it to the extreme. i haven't transitioned yet for fear of hurting her. otherwise, i'm at a pretty good point in my life to transition, but i hate that she's still holding me back from that.

[Nicole]

I had next to no friends, in fact I say I only had 1 friend who was my cousin and lived in the state I was moving to with mum when I came out.

I went from no social life to having one
I left high school as you know it, had 6 months of home schooling/prep for next year, then went to a Tafe which was great, got my VCE (Victoria's version of the SATs), then went to uni and studied photography.

Work, only ever told one boss, that was because I needed time off for GRS and she was great.
Finished uni, worked for a major news paper here and no one knew

[awilliams1701]

My job is relatively secure, but there are no guarantees. This is without me being transgender.
I'm more afraid of what would happen if this job ended on its own. What happens to me next? My company is on my side, but if I have to leave for any reason would other companies take me as a trans girl.

[Illuminess]

I suppose my fear was that people would think I was being absurd. I mean, I could seriously hear someone say in my head: "Are you effin' kidding me? Dude, don't.. Why? I mean, I wouldn't have been surprised if you were gay, but then I guess you are if you think you're a chick!" But it didn't go down that way at all.

I also sometimes fear the chance of being assumed that because I'm trans that I must want to participate in every last typical thing that women do stereotypically. Just because I feel female doesn't mean I want to watch The View or go dancing, but I definitely don't want to go to some smelly bar or watch The Expendables while every guy makes dick jokes and talks about how they'd "bang that chick". I'm completely off the radar when it comes to socialising.

I'm already weird as I am, so being trans on top of that will just make me weirder. Lucky for me, I deal with things pretty well.

As far as work/employment I don't have anything to worry about. I freelance photography and design. In fact, my transition may even be beneficial to this, because I know that once I'm in the right skin with the right chemicals in my system I'll be far less reserved. People really have no idea how expressive I want to be, and how much I adore fashion, and how much I love to look amazing. My mom used to sell jewelry as a side job, and she'd get so many things that I wanted for myself, but I could never wear any of it without causing suspicion.

So, ultimately, I just hope I can be me, without question or scrutiny or assumption.

[Hikari]

1. There has been an enormous social gain. People seem to like me lots more as Vera then they ever did as a poor imitation of a guy. I love myself now and that really seems to help. To put things into perspective in 2010 I had one real friend I talked to and no family members I talked to now, in 2014 6 months into hormones and almost fulltime I have 7 family members I talk to regularly that love me and a bunch more that I don't know all that well but know about my transition and are cool with it and my circle of friends is 6 good friends and about 10 more friends who I don't call much but who I do hang out with when they are around.

2. I can't say much to this when I really ramped up my gender presentation to nearly full time I left the job I had because it was stressing me out, I can't say that it had much to do with transition.

[Illuminess]

1. There has been an enormous social gain. People seem to like me lots more as Vera then they ever did as a poor imitation of a guy. I love myself now and that really seems to help.

I really have a good feeling that this will also be my experience when I start the changes, dress accordingly, and get my voice in working order. As of now I'm just in a sort of limbo. I don't want to attempt anything until HRT has started to do its thing, the electrolysis has started, and when my hair is long enough to style and hide my hairline. I love myself as far as who I am, my values, and my intelligence, but everything else needs to be adjusted.

[Beverly]

A genuine fear for many looking at transition are the non financial costs.  I thought it might be helpful for us to have a thread on this topic.

Also remember that those of us in Australia/NZ/UK live in a very different legalistic framework than those in the USA. We have none of this "at will" hiring and firing nonsense.

On that basis:

1.  What were the social costs that you feared and were they realised?

I was terrified of losing everyone, friends and family, but it never happened. I lost one couple I knew and one cousin. That was it. Most people seem to prefer me as I now am and I suspect that many have already forgotten "him" or at least what he was like in detail and close-up.

2.  Did you fear for your work opportunities and did that happen?

No changes. If anything I am busier than I have been in years.

For those sitting on the fence:
What are the non financial factors holding you back from transition? Professionally I never even had the slightest stumble. Things just moved forward as if my coming out never happened. I did get a lot of letters of support from suppliers and customers which was nice.

I have been fulltime for quite a while but I can still remember why I sat on the fence. I never thought anyone would believe me. I thought that doctors would laugh at me and I would never get a diagnosis of "transsexual".

I let my fears hold me back.

[FTMDiaries]

I feared that my marriage would end and I was terrified that I'd lose my kids. Well, my marriage has ended... but after two years of hell, my kids are starting to come round to the idea of me being trans, and things are much more normal between us.

I feared that I wouldn't be accepted at work or might even lose my job... but work has been absolutely brilliant. I'm protected by Equality legislation here in the UK which means they can't fire me for being trans* (or if they did, I would have redress in the courts) but my employers have been great. They paid for diversity training for all the staff to ensure nobody would misbehave. They've given me paid time off for all of my appointments and surgeries, they've supported me as much as any company possibly could... and two years after I came out to them, they've decided that they're considering me for a Board-level position.

[Beverly]

... and two years after I came out to them, they've decided that they're considering me for a Board-level position.

Well done!