Trying to be myself..

[Court]

Hey everyone. Lately, I've been suffering a little more than usual if it's possible. I'm tired of the shame. I'm trying so hard to be myself but, my mother is making be a girl. Buying boy clothes only to alter them to fit like girl's clothes, wtf? I'm done with it all. I really don't like feeling like I am drowning. And on top of it all, I have to start college this year, I'm so freaking scared. I put college off for three years because of my nerves, family thought I was being "lazy", and now I'm unsure how to act. I'll think of something before the summer ends.


Court

[HelenW]

Welcome, Court!

I think college might be a good thing for you.   It'll get you away (I assume) from your mom and colleges are often very accepting places for trans people.  It's scary/exciting at first, just like any new thing, and you'll probably get used to it in no time.  That's what happened when I went back to school although I was still in denial about being trans then.

I'm happy to make your acquaintance, Court, and hope to be reading more from you soon.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

[Ms.Behavin]

Hi Court,

Yes I think collage would be good place for you to just be you.  I think most collages are pretty liberial and it may be the best place for you to start being you 24/7.  THe first step or two is hardest., but after a few weeks, months you'll find out it's not so hard after all.  I found that internal fear was worst then the actually reality.

Anyway, welcome to the board.

Beni

[no_id]

My mother is making be a girl.

Tell me about it... "You shouldn't wear that, it's so masculine" "You shouldn't cut your hair, it will make you look boyish!"...

Anyhow,... Changes are always pretty damn scary, but I agree with the others; it does sound like your ticket out. Sure, people are people, but hey, the person most important to you should be you, and if it gives you the opportunity to be yourself then I say go for it. After all; what do you have to lose? 

[Court]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. You're right, I do need a change and I keep telling myself this will be the year for it.



Court

[MeghanAndrews]

Court, hold on, it's going to be a crazy ride!! I predict, if I may be so bold, that you will be feeling COMPLETELY different in another year, after your first year of school. Being away from the watchful eye of your mom, being able to really express who you are...just you wait and see. Don't get really frustrated in the coming months, be who you are, be proud of it and don't ever let anyone tell you you can't be who you are!! Meghan

[Jay]

Hi Court and welcome to Susans! First of all I know where you are coming from here. At least your mother gets you mens clothing. My mother would never get or allow me to buy mens clothing at all. So I had to get them with my own money or try and find the butch top/jeans in the store. It is annoying. To be honest all you need is faith in yourself and hopefully you will be fine!

[Nero]

You know I swore I'd already replied to this.

Uh...how exactly can your mother 'make' you be a girl, or anything for that matter? I'm confused.

[Seshatneferw]

Uh...how exactly can your mother 'make' you be a girl, or anything for that matter?

In her mind? Of course, in reality what she's accomplishing is just to make him embarrassed, confused and what not. As  just about everyone already said, it sounds like college will be a good idea. Scary as hell though, of course.

Anyway, Court, don't worry too much. Consider college an extended  vacation from your family. It's likely that people will accept you as who you are (remember, they don't have a history of knowing you as a 'girl'); even in the worst case, it's a learning experience in dealing with bigotry, with people with whom you won't need to associate after you get your degree. Concentrate on learning to be yourself, and relax by taking the occasional academic class. Or vice versa.

Good luck, and welcome.

  Nfr

[Nero]

Uh...how exactly can your mother 'make' you be a girl, or anything for that matter?

In her mind? Of course, in reality what she's accomplishing is just to make him embarrassed, confused and what not. As  just about everyone already said, it sounds like college will be a good idea. Scary as hell though, of course.

I agree. Court, college is a good idea. If anything just to get away from mother. She sounds controlling and probably thinks she can stamp this out of you or some such.

[J.T.]

college is a great idea... you'll be able to meet people who support and understand you.  Of course it is scary at first, but that is only natural.  I really enjoyed the time i spent away from my family, it made me grow up and take responsibility for myself.  Of course, i was still in deep denial so you've got a step up.  Take it as an opportunity to truly be who you are.

[Fae]

College is an excellent environment to be in Court, very accepting and understanding of differences (more so than anywhere else), and probably the best place you could be to just be yourself.  I put off college for 1 1/2 years once I got my associates because I was in denial about being TG, but now I'm working on my bachelor's.  Since I came out, everyone has been very supportive and I'm best friends with two FTM's and I'm part of the school's GLBT organization.

Best of luck to you, and message me if you want to talk about any concerns you might have with college. 

~Fae

[deviousxen]

Man...this generations parents go way overboard.


YEa. College is much more liberal and I can already tell, and I've never visited one!

I pretty much hang out with people that much older than me and they're that much cooler than the nitwits in my town...

Have fun there!

I still haven't gotten my GED cause of the evil math, and I wanna be an artist for now. You lucky!

[emmi/andy]

Just be yourself. College is a good place to figure yourself out. There are a lot of people you won't have to see again. Well, when I first got to college it seemed like there were just a lot of people period. I'm sure you'll find a group who are accepting. 

[Kellsie]

Hi and welcome to susans, I too understand what you are going through, and everyone is right, college is a great place to be.  They tend to have groups that can be very supportive.  Just remember, if you need anyone to talk to we are all here for you.  I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that this is all going to be peaches and cream, I can tell you there will be bumps in the road; just hang on as there are fun times to be had in these bumpy roads.  Keep your head up hon, and just smile as each day brings a new dawn.