SO husband of transitioning FTM, help/support wanted

[Jeremy]

My husband started T just over 5 months ago, and there have been a lot of changes! I haven't been on this site since that time, because we both began regular weekly visits to his therapist and found it very helpful. I have really benefitted from each meeting, learning to understand him, as well as myself. However, I didn't really get a grasp on the changes to come, only more of what to expect.
Surprisingly, I have been finding the physical changes absolutely amazing, fascinating, and attractive, which is something I did not expect at all. I have learned to think of him as a male, which has been one of the hardest parts for me, as well as showing PDAs to another man, and coming out to friends and family. I now know what it is like to be viewed as a gay male, even though in my own mind I don't view myself completely gay, only with my husband. But I want to say I am actually proud to be a part of the gay community!
Here is the thing though. We moved to a new city about 2 months ago. It was suggested by our therapist to do so as a way to start fresh, mostly it was for my part I think. After coming out to friends/family, it was not received well by many. My husband didn't have much problem with it as, he was becoming more confident and secure in himself, especially since starting T. For me, being a more passive guy, I found it uncomfortable to be around these so called friends and family. Not to mention how uncomfortable it was getting when my husband would come unglued.
So at our last session with our therapist, she recommended another one in the city we moved to. Well, we have not met that therapist or any other since moving. My husband says he feels comfortable at the moment and doesn't feel the need to jump right back in to more sessions.
Besides the physical changes, especially in the last two months since we moved, my husbands moods have really been changing. He is quick to temper, swears much much more, very much more confident and even cocky. Over all ,hose things I am fine with, I am just wondering if it will level off at some point?
Here is the big thing, sexually his appetite has become a monster! I told him about a month ago I don't think I can keep up with it, and I know it was frustrating for him to hear. I feel like he is a caged beast, but I can only do so much.
About a week ago, after much thought, I sat down and said it would be alright if he needed to get out to find someone to help release his sexual energy. At first he was like, "no way, I couldn't do that to you".  I just told him how much I loved him, and it would be ok as long as he is careful and only a sexually thing. I know he must feel like a horny teenager, and I remember what that's like.
So tonight, he told me hes going to go out with someone, but doesn't really expect anything to happen.
All day, I have felt this sence of relief for him, as well as total worry! Was this a bad idea? Could this be something that would be a good solution to the problem? Last thing I want to do is lose him, because my sexually appetite might not match his. I know this opens the door for more problems, but it was my idea. I suggested it because, I have been in fear that he may cheat. In being open, I don't think I will be disappointed, and more accepting of it. Will his appetite slow down later on as his body adjusts to the hormones?

[Ms Grace]

Sorry, I can't really help with that info (coming at it from the other side and all) but I do know HRT can be quite an individual thing, what is true for one isn't for the other.

But I did want to say I'm very happy for you, that you have been able to be accepting and supportive of the changes in your husband. But if he doesn't feel the need for therapy sessions and you do, don't let that stop you, you need to support yourself too.

[Brooke777]

I hang around a rather large poly community. For the most part, all of the couples play together. Meaning, they are present when there is a 3rd, 4th...person. However, I have a few friends where only one of them plays. They are perfectly happy, and have a great relationship. Normally, the one who doesn't play gets to meet the other member prior to anything happening. If they don't like them for whatever reason, the play session is cancelled. Perhaps something like that will work for you two.

[Jeremy]

Thanks Ms Grace, I appreciate your support, I know we are kind of flip flopped. I seem to be on the side with the fewest members, being a husband of a FTM. But I am trying to looki at the whole thing as the same, meaning I am glad to have a place to come to for advice, and share mine as well. I know I haven't been to this forum for a while, but it is comforting to know its here. I have been thinking of contacting a therapist, though times are tough right now, and it does cost a bit of money.

And Brooke, I am curious about your friends, how long have they been in their own relationships, mainly the ones who are happy? I am open to the idea of that kind of relationship, though I have no desire to be with anyone else myself, but the idea of meeting and knowing who my husband is interested in is a good idea. As I type this, he is out doing who knows what with who knows who, and it's a bit nerve racking to say the least.

[Brooke777]

And Brooke, I am curious about your friends, how long have they been in their own relationships, mainly the ones who are happy? I am open to the idea of that kind of relationship, though I have no desire to be with anyone else myself, but the idea of meeting and knowing who my husband is interested in is a good idea. As I type this, he is out doing who knows what with who knows who, and it's a bit nerve racking to say the least.

Oh, I can certainly understand you feeling a bit uneasy right now. I hope that he is being safe.

Lets see...one couple has been together about 11 or so years. And the other one about 15 years. I'm not sure how long the others have been together. Those are just the ones where only one partner plays. A few of my other friends have been together for over 20 years, and going strong.

[Jeremy]

That is cool, long relationships, very comforting to know it can exist! I have been with my husband for several years now, long before he transitioned. That's a lot of time invested, that's how I look at it.

[Brooke777]

That is cool, long relationships, very comforting to know it can exist! I have been with my husband for several years now, long before he transitioned. That's a lot of time invested, that's how I look at it.

It is possible for it to work. My advice is to have a long conversation about it, and define what the rules and expectations are. This type of relationship only works with a lot of communication, and well defined boundaries.

I wish you all of the luck in the world, and hope that this is a good solution for you.

On a different note, congratulations on taking on this change with such amazing enthusiasm. It is so wonderful to hear!!!

[Jeremy]

Yep, that's right communication is key. I learned that as I once approached my spouse (long before I had a clue I would identify him as male), about an FLR (female led relationship). Too funny now that I think about it, lol! It's now a MLR. But I did learn that communication is key, which is why I know this will work, no other option in my mind.

[Crackpot]

While I have no experience with poly relationships or effects of T myself but my wife and I have discussed similar situations as she progresses in her transition. She's never been with a man before and has been curious, especially when the estrogen starting running rampant. I also brought the suggestion of a 3rd party. I couldn't deny her that experience so we agreed that she would tell me if she had the desire before anything happened. I agree that I'd rather know and accept it rather than have her cheating behind my back. I'm still unsure about a lot of things like if I'd be ok with more than just a one time experience but I'll deal with it as it comes.

Anyway, I wanted to say hats off to you. I think you are a very open minded and compassionate partner. It takes a lot of strength to deal with that kind of thing with so much grace and understanding.

[Jeremy]

Thanks, overall, that's how I try to look at things, just take it as it comes. But, sometimes my thoughts and fears get the best of me. So far, nothing has happend that's been close to my worst fears, fingers crossed! I have learned ways to distract my mind when the thoughts start churning, so it's not as bad as it was in the beginning. I thank our therapist for that, as well as the brief advice Ive had on here!

[E-Brennan]

Here is the big thing, sexually his appetite has become a monster! I told him about a month ago I don't think I can keep up with it, and I know it was frustrating for him to hear. I feel like he is a caged beast, but I can only do so much.
About a week ago, after much thought, I sat down and said it would be alright if he needed to get out to find someone to help release his sexual energy. At first he was like, "no way, I couldn't do that to you".  I just told him how much I loved him, and it would be ok as long as he is careful and only a sexually thing. I know he must feel like a horny teenager, and I remember what that's like.
So tonight, he told me hes going to go out with someone, but doesn't really expect anything to happen.
All day, I have felt this sence of relief for him, as well as total worry! Was this a bad idea? Could this be something that would be a good solution to the problem? Last thing I want to do is lose him, because my sexually appetite might not match his. I know this opens the door for more problems, but it was my idea. I suggested it because, I have been in fear that he may cheat. In being open, I don't think I will be disappointed, and more accepting of it. Will his appetite slow down later on as his body adjusts to the hormones?

This sends up a red flag for me.  It sounds like a quick and easy way for you to cause this relationship to disintegrate.  (If you want out, then I'm the last person who will criticize you for that, provided it's done honestly and openly.  Just don't do it in a way that leaves both parties feeling like they've done something wrong.)

I hate to intrude in your relationship, but someone should take him aside and explain what guys do when they feel those urges to have sex.  It's called masturbation, and it's probably the main reason many guys manage to stay monogamous.

Allowing him to see other people on the side for sexual release purposes only is not only damaging for your relationship, but also the quickest way to catch some kind of disease if he's not careful.

I'd strongly urge you both to get back in touch with a therapist and explain what's going on.  This just doesn't sound as normal as other responders have suggested.

[Crackpot]

This sends up a red flag for me.  It sounds like a quick and easy way for you to cause this relationship to disintegrate.  (If you want out, then I'm the last person who will criticize you for that, provided it's done honestly and openly.  Just don't do it in a way that leaves both parties feeling like they've done something wrong.)

I hate to intrude in your relationship, but someone should take him aside and explain what guys do when they feel those urges to have sex.  It's called masturbation, and it's probably the main reason many guys manage to stay monogamous.

Allowing him to see other people on the side for sexual release purposes only is not only damaging for your relationship, but also the quickest way to catch some kind of disease if he's not careful.

I'd strongly urge you both to get back in touch with a therapist and explain what's going on.  This just doesn't sound as normal as other responders have suggested.

I respectfully disagree with you here. While I do think that talking to a therapist about these things really important, I don't think it's because it's "not normal". Every relationship has it's own dynamics and while you personally may see this as end of a relationship it's not the case for everyone out there. Everyone has their own boundaries and limitations. As long as everyone involved knows these boundaries and is accepting of them, it may end up being a right fit for them. Even though poly relationships may not be mainstream, if it works for them then I wish them all happiness. I do really recommend talking to a counselor about it before hand and doing a lot of soul searching. I know for me it's not a matter I would take lightly because it's never been something that I have strived for in a relationship. But I would never condemn a relationship based on these things.

[mrs izzy]

There has been other threads floating around here about the same issue. I have a hard time with the effects of T are so bad that would make someone want to cheat on there spouse. First before things get way out of hand see where his levels are. He might have way, way to high levels. If that is so it could be causeing more health issues then just over active libido.

I have been with my husband from day 1 of him starting T. Yes he has had moments that it was hard to keep up. In time with blood test and adjustments in his dosages that has settled down his over active drive.

Life, love and relationship are all about 2 people in love. Some can handle and enjoy the not normal style. I have no trouble with that. I just feel from your posts that you are having issues with the possible actions of your husband in a moment of Libjdo overload.

Have him get his levels checked. Maybe he is hyper sensitive to T and needs a lower dose to make things settle down. Yes young boys have moments like that but also have control over our actions.

Wish you the best.
Isabell

[Jeremy]

So, I love my husband with all my heart, and in no way am I looking to get out. If there was a time I would have, it was when he first came out telling me he wanted to transistion. However, I did some soul searching, and finally committed to staying with it. I have had zero regrets in that choice. We share so many things other than our sex life, as most do I am sure. He actually has had his levels checked on a recent doctors visit, and they were fine. In our lifestyle before he started taking T, he was the one in control of our sex life. That's just the way our FLR worked. He would often times withhold sex with me, which for myself, made the time we did have it so much more fulfilling. Now, please don't get me wrong, because I enjoyed it that way. This isnt me now withholding sex from him as a payback or anything like that. I just simply can't keep up all the time. I find I am often forcing myself to try to keep up with him, but sometimes I can't and will just shut down for a couple days. He has never forced or pressured me to keep up with him. If that was the case, then I could see it becoming a problem.
Since this increase in his libido, basically having a new body, and seeing the frustration he has from time to time, I feel for him. I have really grown to have an open mind through this journey so far, which i think is why I feel comfortable allowing him to explore, if he wants to and  is safe about it. Only concern for me is him becomming emotionally attached to someone else, or visa versa.
I just want to thank all replies, because it's given me a lot to think about. I will be communicating them with my husband as well, hopefully it will help convince him to visit a therapist about it with me.

[E-Brennan]

Everyone has their own boundaries and limitations. As long as everyone involved knows these boundaries and is accepting of them, it may end up being a right fit for them. Even though poly relationships may not be mainstream, if it works for them then I wish them all happiness.

And of course, I wish them the best too.  It's just they started off in a marriage, not a polygamous relationship, and Jeremy seems to want to preserve the marriage as an emotionally-stable, loving relationship between him and his husband.  His concerns seem to be based upon the husband forming emotional bonds with third parties, which to him is a problem.  Both him and his husband initially were a monogamous couple in a fairly traditional marriage, something (I assume) they both felt was important at the time.  It's not as if it's a relationship between two people who came into this knowing that a poly relationship was on the table.  (That said, I'm sure at least one went into the marriage never thinking that gender transition was going to happen either, so marriages have to have some element of flexibility.)

I think there's probably a fairly sensible route to figuring this out.

First steps would be therapy and, as 'mind is quiet now' suggests, check T levels and make sure everything is properly balanced.  Then, and only then, encourage husband to seek sex outside the marriage.

Again, nothing against poly relationships - if they work, great - but it's a step that dramatically alters the marriage, a step far more dramatic than chatting to a therapist or going to the doc for a blood test.  For many people, separating sex from emotional attachment is difficult, and I'm not sure it's entirely realistic to suggest that the husband seeks sex without emotional attachment beyond the boundaries of the marriage.  Surely a poly relationship is built upon more than two people emotionally connected with a third used only as a means for sexual gratification?

But reasonable minds can disagree on these things.  Relationships take work, compromise, and open minds, and if it helps to produce a solid and satisfying marriage, then that's a good result.  I just think that seeking sex outside a marriage as a means of preserving a marriage is risky at best, especially when other routes to solving the problem haven't been explored.

[Jeremy]

Great words of wisdom, greatly appreciated! So glad I turned to this forum for advice! Since my last posts, I have done some research on poly relationships. I now have an understanding that in fact they are emotional relationships, not just sex. I understand, and makes sence that there would be some sort of emotional connection on some sort of level between all persons. Otherwise it would just be casual sex with other people, most likely without the kind of trust and protection a poly relationship would provide.
In a way I regret my suggestion to my husband to go out and find someone to ease is sexual appetite. In another way, I am glad because it has opened a door to discussion. By the way, he did go out and meet some people last weekend, but never engaged in anything.
I am not totally against a poly relationship, and if it comes down to it, maybe an option, but like posters have said, it's not something to jump into, especially without looking at other options first. Thanks everyone for the help!

[Bunter]

I know this thread is probably closed but I want to tell you that I know two couples like yours, who have transitioned from straight to gay, so to speak. One of them told me they have a lot more sex, too ;-)
I think you are doing great and it's very realistic that you can stay together. The one couple is married since almost twenty years.
About "Eating Out" - this is pretty common in long term gay relationships and often works incredibly well. Check out gay sites for more information.