Feeling like the villain of my own story (possible trigger warning)

[Alaia]

"What the hell are you doing!?"

Those 6 words have been running through my head often of late. I am so torn right now.

I have a beautiful family, a wife and 4 children that all love me very much. I love them all so much, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them... except this. I cannot be the man my wife wants me to be, or the father my kids may have wanted.

I can't turn back from this path I'm on because I know the truth now, I can see how empty and hollow of a person I was before. Sure, I surrounded myself with people and things that I thought would bring me happiness. And they did, they really did. But it was never enough to fill the void I felt within. If I went back now I may as well just put a bullet in my head because I'd be dead and lifeless anyway... a walking zombie going through the motions and greeting everybody whilst wearing a cardboard mask with a smiley face on it. Only for some reason I'm the only one who can see just how stupid and fake that mask is.

Just the thought of going back sickens me to the pit of my stomach... I just can't.

I know the truth now, the truth I'd kept hidden from myself for years. I tried to convince myself for a long time that I could 'fix' what was inside by surrounding myself with good people and things. I now know that the person I am on the inside was never broken. And the only way to build a life of happiness is to build it starting from the inside out. I have to accept the girl I am inside and let her flourish.


But why, why did this self awakening have to come at such a high price? Why must this change wrack so much devastation in it's wake? I'd probably be fine if it was just my life that was falling apart here. I could deal with with just having to pick up the pieces and start my life anew. But why must it also destroy the lives of those who are most precious and dear to me too??

I am in tears over this and have been in tears over it every night for months. I just had to tell my children the other night that mom and dad were separating, that I'd be moving out. They still don't know the reasons why yet, but it was heartbreaking to have to tell them and see their worlds falling in, to see them in tears and to hear them say "But why Dad, why? Please don't go.. I don't want you to go. Please Dad, just stay...please?"

Dammit, I can't even write this without going into tears 

My wife and I did our best to comfort them, to let them know we both love them and that this has nothing to do with them. But of course they remained in pain regardless. This is a big and emotional change to deal with.

What's worse, this separation isn't just going to be hard emotionally, but financially too. It's simple economics that you can't maintain the same quality of living with the same income but two separate households. My wife confided in me a conversation she had with my daughter yesterday. They were on their way home from my daughter's gymnastics and she told my wife that she wasn't going to be able to compete next season... that it was going to cost upwards of $800 for her new leotard and competition fees (on top of the $300 monthly fees $200 in gas we use driving there and back) and that there was no way we could afford it anymore. She even expressed some bitterness towards me for putting them in this situation and that she should probably quit gymnastics and take up dance since it's cheaper.

Now, I have no intention of stopping support of my daughter going to gymnastics. My wife and I will figure something out. It won't be easy, but we'll do it. The point is my kids can already see that things are going to be a lot harder. They are already starting to have bitter feelings towards me over it... and I can't help but feel that they may be justified. I mean I am responsible, I am the one initiating this change. I know it's for my well-being and I tell myself that it's for their well-being too... in the long run... even if they can't see it now. But is it really? Will they really be better off in the end too? Or is that just what I keep telling myself to justify my actions?

I don't know. I really don't know. I truly feel like the bad guy right now, like the villain of my own story. Yay, despicable me. 

I will do whatever I can to make sure their needs are met. The sad part is that I just can't do the one thing they want the most right now.


You know it always makes me laugh when someone tells me I must be so brave and strong to be transitioning. I don't know about that, I certainly don't consider myself brave or strong. But sometimes I wonder if those who manage to stay and live the lie for the benefit of their families are the truly strong and courageous ones.


Anyway, I know this is an emotionally charged topic for several of you here, and if it has been triggering I apologize. I just had to let it out somewhere, to someone.

[Myarkstir]

First I appologies in advance but I think here you want real words, not what feels comfortable to hear.

1) If someone truly truly LOVES you they will encourage  you, not manipulate you through your emotions (the gym thing comes to mind).
2) Think real hard what would happen if you gave them the person they want instead of who you really are. Would they enjoy that? For most of us it would not have ended well at all.
3) Right now they feel hurt and betrayed cause "you never told them". But here is another one: how can you tell something that you refuse to even tell to yourself. Give them time they will get over it, they all do.
4) in what way will this destroy a life. They will still have an education, a  roof over there heads and ample food on their plate. The rest is called luxury.

I know i was direct here but i really hope my words give you the strength you need

[mrs izzy]

"What the ell are you doing!?"

I will do whatever I can to make sure their needs are met. The sad part is that I just can't do the one thing they want the most right now.

You can keep your self safe and be there for them as a loving parent

You know it always makes me laugh when someone tells me I must be so brave and strong to be transitioning. I don't know about that, I certainly don't consider myself brave or strong. But sometimes I wonder if those who manage to stay and live the lie for the benefit of their families are the truly strong and courageous ones.

I was one of them who gave everything over and over for my family. I stuffed and stuffed and stuffed till i could stuff no longer. Got to that point in life that life its self lost all meaning. So to say strong, no. More selfless. I think you are strong in the fact you are finding your happiness and at the same time showing your children that it is ok to be different to what society says and find that way to deal with the struggles of what life can throw at us.

Anyway, I know this is an emotionally charged topic for several of you here, and if it has been triggering I apologize. I just had to let it out somewhere, to someone.

Thank you for posting and i know it is tearing you up inside. Please see that what you are doing is not what many will say is selfish but what you are doing is selfless.

Hugs and remember we are hear anytime you need

[Alaia]

First I appologies in advance but I think here you want real words, not what feels comfortable to hear.

1) If someone truly truly LOVES you they will encourage  you, not manipulate you through your emotions (the gym thing comes to mind).
2) Think real hard what would happen if you gave them the person they want instead of who you really are. Would they enjoy that? For most of us it would not have ended well at all.
3) Right now they feel hurt and betrayed cause "you never told them". But here is another one: how can you tell something that you refuse to even tell to yourself. Give them time they will get over it, they all do.
4) in what way will this destroy a life. They will still have an education, a  roof over there heads and ample food on their plate. The rest is called luxury.

I know i was direct here but i really hope my words give you the strength you need

Thanks Myarkstir, and don't worry about mincing words with me, I can take it. In response to your points:

1) I agree and yet I feel this point is a bit unfair. I think some understanding needs to be placed on how my wife feels going through this. Just because she reacts with anger or emotional manipulation at times doesn't mean she doesn't truly love me. It just reflects the emotional state she is in over this. She is angry, and rightly so. All of her hopes and dreams for the future involved a marriage with the man she loved. My transitioning totally dismantles that for her. She feels like the very ground has been yanked out from underneath her. So while it pains me every time she manipulates me with emotionally charged subjects, I realize it is because this is painful for her and she has a lot of fears about the future too.

2) No need to think hard about this one. I know I'd be a miserable person and miserable people are no fun to be around at all. I do think this is the best option for everyone in that regard as they will be able to have close loving relationships with a happier me.

3) Yes, I hope in time acceptance will come. And it's true, it was something I was unwilling to accept about myself back then. I fought so hard against it and convincing myself that I could be that man everyone expected me to be. Of course I never told my wife anything. I was over my head in denial and drowning in it. First it was "Just find someone you can love, who will keep you laughing and love you back... that'll make you happy." Then it was "Just have a kid together, someone to love and nurture and raise... that'll make you happy." No? How about another kid and another? Gosh, I have all these people around me that I love to death and whom love me back. What's wrong with me, why can't I be happy?

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. I try to cut myself a little slack though as I didn't have any of the information about being transgender back when I started this marriage. And even once I did learn about it, it took me years to come to accept it. Mostly because I'd already built this life and didn't want to see it come crashing down, but that was inevitable, as it is for anything built on a false foundation.

But as it took me years to come to terms with it, it may take years for them as well. That saddens me, but I'm prepared for years of rejection in hopes that one day there will be acceptance.

4) When I say destroy I'm not thinking annihilating. More like breaking something apart to where you are left with the pieces and trying to put things back together. Some of the pieces are just going to be gone. Others won't fit back the same way they were before. It is a difficult process which most people don't willingly undergo because most people don't like change, especially change on this level.

Yes, the basic needs will still be met and the rest is technically all luxury. But how do you explain that to a young impressionable child? A child who was used to many things and opportunities that were afforded under the quality of life before their parents separated. Then dad leaves and suddenly everything changes and becomes hard.

It may be a good character building experience. It may even be possible to pull through all this so long as we keep re-enforcing the kids with love. But there is a good possibility that this will cause a rift in our relationships that will take years to overcome.


I really appreciate your responses though. I think mostly with this post I just wanted to air the hurt I have as I see my family hurting. I do feel responsible, not to blame, because who do you blame for this situation? Society for pressuring me to stuff it all those years?

Regardless of where blame is I still have some responsibility because it's my family and whatever path I take is going to affect them. Hah, I say that like I have a choice but I know I don't. I won't even consider the other choices I could have made because the end result would have been a miserable me making everyone else miserable or a dead me. I am on my path, which is the right path. I believe it is the only path that will potentially lead to happiness for all of us.

You can keep your self safe and be there for them as a loving parent

I was one of them who gave everything over and over for my family. I stuffed and stuffed and stuffed till i could stuff no longer. Got to that point in life that life its self lost all meaning. So to say strong, no. More selfless. I think you are strong in the fact you are finding your happiness and at the same time showing your children that it is ok to be different to what society says and find that way to deal with the struggles of what life can throw at us.

Thank you for posting and i know it is tearing you up inside. Please see that what you are doing is not what many will say is selfish but what you are doing is selfless.

Hugs and remember we are hear anytime you need

Thanks Mrs Izzy for those comments, both good points that I think needed re-iterated to myself. The most import thing is to be safe and be there for them. I can't really do that if my life has lost all meaning and I keep wishing for a bus to run me over every day. And you're right, I really do need to show them that it's ok to be different, to just be yourself and not the expectations others would put upon you.


Thanks for the support girls. *hugs*

[Ltl89]

My situation is very different from this so I don't have much in the way of direct experience to offer.  I just wanted to say that it's really good that you are doing your best to remain there for your kids and mitigate the hardships during this point.  Anyway, I can say as a child of divorced parents, I always wanted my parents to find happiness.  Sometimes I didn't like the paths they took to secure it, but I never would begrudge them happiness, only when I felt things were done in a totally selfish or irresponsible way did I get angry (that and the temp entitled stupid emotions that kids through onto their parents during big changes that effect them). While it probably won't be easy for your kids, as long as you remain their parent and do your best to be there for them, then it could very well work out in the end.  Good luck to both you and your family.  I wish you all well.

[Alaia]

My situation is very different from this so I don't have much in the way of direct experience to offer.  I just wanted to say that it's really good that you are doing your best to remain there for your kids and mitigate the hardships during this point.  Anyway, I can say as a child of divorced parents, I always wanted my parents to find happiness.  Sometimes I didn't like the paths they took to secure it, but I never would begrudge them happiness, only when I felt things were done in a totally selfish or irresponsible way did I get angry (that and the temp entitled stupid emotions that kids through onto their parents during big changes that effect them). While it probably won't be easy for your kids, as long as you remain their parent and do your best to be there for them, then it could very well work out in the end.  Good luck to both you and your family.  I wish you all well.

Thanks LTL, I'm a child of divorced parents as well. Mine separated when I was in my early twenties. I learned much later that they had been fighting and were unhappy for years. The only reason they stuck it out as long as they did is because they wanted to wait until the last of us kids was grown and out of the nest so to speak. I know they think they were doing us a huge favor, but honestly, I don't think so. We could hear all the fights behind their closed doors. I can even look back and see times when the frustration and anger spilled over onto us. But even worse, it makes me sad to think of all those years where they were unhappy with each other. I would have rather they'd moved on and found someone to be happy with. They were both loving parents, I'm sure us kids would still have turned out ok.

Those sentiments are part of what drives my actions now. It's hard to maintain an environment where your kids will thrive and be happy if you and your spouse are at odds or unhappy. It's much better to move on for all of our sakes I think. We built and shared some great memories together. I am thankful for that. Our paths may diverge now, but I will never forget what she meant to me and hope to always remain friends.

[TessaMarie]

"What the hell are you doing!?"

I ask myself this question almost every day, Alaia.

And each day I have the same answer:  The results have been too great to ignore.  I cannot go back to where I was before HRT.

My personality and my ability to cope with the world have both improved substantially since I started HRT.  While my wife would prefer to still physically have the husband she married, she is liking the other changes from HRT as much as I am.  Both of us are finding me a lot easier to live with.

I have been more fortunate in my marriage.  My wife has been able to come to terms with what I have needed to do so far.  While we are both hoping that will continue, it may not.

For me, HRT has removed the compulsion to do anything more.  The main reason I made the decision to start laser & electrolysis is because the HRT is working its magic, and that did not go too well with the 5 o'clock shadow.  I am not considering any surgeries (yet or ever).  I have not been presenting as female, although that may change if the HRT changes bring me to the point of male fail.  For now, I am still comfortable presenting a male front to the world.

Given this, I do keep asking myself: "What the hell am I doing ?"   At least once each day (often more) I wonder why I am jeopardising my marriage and for what am I jeopardising it.

And I still come back to the same answer:  The cost of not taking HRT is too great.

You have been much in my thoughts.  I hope you & yours will find a way to come through this with compassion for one another.