Terrified

[Hyacinth]

I'm 18 years old. From the earliest I could remember knowing about it,( around 6 or 7) I was always scared of puberty. I didn't want to change, to be all gross feeling and hairy and muscular and square jawed and whatever. The whole idea just frightened me from the start. And going through it was miserable, worse than I even imagined. From the time I was twelve or so, I've had bumps, razor burns, and scabs across much of my lower body, trying to get rid of hair by stealing my sisters razors or just ripping them out with tweezers, or using various different chemicals that I secretly bought or tried to use. I've had so many cavities because for almost a year ( around the time I was 14) I didn't even bother to brush, because I felt so terrible about how my body was that I didn't even care. Honestly my health has been so irregular over the past years because of my efforts to delay, reverse, or somehow mitigate the effects of puberty.

Every time I tell my parents about my concern, they tell me it's just a phase, and act like it will just go away by itself when I get older. But as I've gotten older it's just gotten worse and worse. It's not they're ignorant or bigoted or unaccepting; they have no problem with me being bisexual, but they just don't seem to understand how serious my feelings about this are. I'm on a cocktail of anti-deppressants and anti-anxiety meds, much of which are for unrelated things, but the fact remains that I feel miserable about the future, And I can't stand the way my body is changing. I can't pay for anything myself, I can't get a job (I'm going away to college in a few weeks), I can't drive, and I can barely stay stable at this point doing absolutely nothing. I hate what I'm becoming so much. I feel so trapped. I don't even want to be a woman, I just can't stand being a man.

But I can't talk to my parents about it (lest they try to put me on more antidepressants) , I can't talk to my friends about it (like I have any) and I'm so terrified because it's only getting worse and worse. I'm on the edge at this point.  I'm already so depressed about so many other things in addition to this, and yet I can't get this out of my mind I can't do anything. It just scares me so much.

[Auroramarianna]

Aw, it breaks my heart to read this. As much it costs to your parents to hear, you will have to tell them how serious your feelings are, you are carrying a burden that's too much to bear alone.

And you need to take steps to become who you truly are.  Small, baby steps. Like plucking eyebrows, trying on makeup. The first times you start practising you will mess up and look at yourself in the mirror and want to cry, but you can't give up. You gotta persist, practice practice practice. No one is magically born wise and experienced.

Do you happen to talk with a therapist? That could help a lot. Oh and a part-time could help a lot if you have time.

Best wishes
Xxxx

[Ms Grace]

Hey Hyacinth

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

The feelings you describe are not uncommon for many trans people. When you go to colleague you may hopefully have access to a counsellor who will be able to help you and discuss a way forward.

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Cheers

Grace

[Hyacinth]

I have therapists, a few actually, but I have a hard time talking about actually serious stuff with them. which seems kind of silly, I guess but I have a hard time opening up to people, because I've been hurt so many times, or even worse, ignored. I can already do stuff like makeup and the like, it's not really that much of a concern to me I guess I don't know. I'm not really coherent because its' really early in the morning. But I don't. But what scares me is more the physiological changes, the growth of muscle and bone, the epiphyseal closure, and of course the hair that is everywhere. People say stuff like "oh you such a nice deep voice" and it makes me want to stop talking forever. 


I don't really know what to even call myself. I don't want to be a woman, but I the thought of being a man makes me hate myself.

[Brenda E]

Sorry to hear that you're having a really rough time.

From reading your posts, it sounds like you'd benefit right now not necessarily from pursuing any kind of transition, but from delaying puberty until you've mentally figured out where you want to go.  Would your parents be more open to something like that?  Give yourself a year or two of stability to work through some of these issues?

If so, it's probably therapy time.  Yes, it's hard to open up to therapists, but it's a hurdle you're going to have to overcome.  Trust me, a good therapist who is familiar with gender issues will not hurt or ignore you.  He or she won't tell you that it's just a phase, or pretend that it's just depression or anxiety or something like that.

These thoughts and feelings are clearly causing you some serious stress.  If you don't talk to your parents or some other trusted adult, you'll never get the help you need until you're an independent adult.  I'd highly recommend that you find a gender therapist in your area and then talk to your parents about going to see him or her.

[Auroramarianna]

I can totally relate, and I know how upsetting it can be. But the important thing to assure to yourself is that none of it is your fault. You have no control over all the changes that happen during puberty, but you CAN control some or make them less noticeable. Instead of focussing on features that are impossible to change (eg. height, hands, feet) focus on the ones you can work on, like voice, facial and body hair, etc.

I know how hard it is to open up, but you are going to have to do it. You can't carry this huge burden forever yourself, because it will turn you into self-destructive ways and we definitely don't want that. You need to find a LGBT group around your area and seek support from them, and online communities like this one! You were already very brave to share your story here, and that's a step for your healing. So with time, not at all once, you'll be able confinde in the therapist who, like anyone, will have to earn your trust.

Also, you're no longer underage, so maybe you could actually meet a sympathetic endocrinologist and speak to them about your worries. But you need to something yourself to appease your pain. Find ways of getting small joy from life, like joining a vlounteering group for example, and if it's too hard to talk with people, remember you're not the only one that fears rejection. We all do, for different reasons, and everyone gets rejected. Rejection doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you. Go fout and find people to talk to and hang out with them Do you have any hobbies? If you like reading like me, try joining a reading club or go to a library. Most people will be nice and pleasant, and also many of the people there are shy and awkward themselves.

You're NOT alone. Most people here, if not all of us, like helping others, we're all in the same boat, after all

Best wishes

[Taka]

a therapist that you don't feel you can trust, won't do you much good. mostly a waste of money, or in some cases it can be damaging. what therapist is good for you is a matter of personality just as much as the therapist's professionalism. i couldn't ever use my sister's therapist, even if he never knew any of my family members, because i don't like his personality. just saying, so you can consider those many therapists that still haven't managed to help you open up. you must still want to change yourself though, or you won't get far.

if you can't talk to your parents about it, at least try to talk to one of your therapists. or tell one of them that you need to see a gender therapist. you sound so desperate that it might be necessary for you to find someone who can at least help you stop your body from changing more, before you'll be able to think much about the whole rest of your situation. there's a limit to how long you can stop puberty, but at least that's something you can do without having to decide whether or not transition is the right thing for you. good gender therapists should understand that, even if your parents refuse to understand any of what you say.

[Valleyrie]

Hey Hyacinth, reading this made me quite upset. It's like reading something I wrote myself. I'm in a very similar situation as you and feel about the same. I think you really need to sit down with your parents and have a really long and intense discussion with them. You need to get them involved more and tell them exactly how you feel and how this causing your mental health to deteriorate. I think you should try educating them regarding trans issues, give them an article or information to read. I don't mean to be negative, but I can only say as you get older it gets worse if you can't do anything about it. Are you currently seeing any therapist or specialist regarding your gender? I think your parents would believe you more if they were to speak with a profession about your dysphoria.

I never really understood why I felt so depressed and bad about myself only until last year. I always had low self-esteem (still sort of do) and could never understand why I felt so crap about myself. It was around the time of puberty where I really started to become depressed about myself physically, mentally and socially. Transition has been proven countless times to lessen if not get rid of dysphoria and it's either live a life of misery suppressing your true self, suicide or transitioning to be able to live a life that's actually worth waking up to.

I feel very hopeless and helpless at times too. I can't get a job due to my mental illnesses, I can't do anything at the moment about my body, I can't drive and don't think I'll go for my license for a while. I refuse to have to tick "male" or use my old name for legal documents so I haven't even bothered opening a bank account or anything like that even though I've wanted to for years. I don't want to go through all the hassle at the moment, especially since the person I need to make any positive/legal changes refuses to want anything to do with my issues.

Just know that you're not alone in this. <3

edit: I think it'd be really important for you to bring all this up with your therapist, they're there to help you and aren't there to judge you. They're there to listen so try not to get too worried what they'll think. You want a therapist you can trust and feel comfortable with, I know mine has been the biggest help in my life - not just with my dysphoria. Also, they can help you in talking to your parents. It's completely fine if you don't want to be a man or woman, there's so many different types of people and you're not weird at all in case you think you are. I hate having to use my voice too, not just around people. I hate hearing it but I also get really nervous trying to practice it and feel like I sound stupid so I never really spend much time doing so. Again, if you can I'd really recommend you speak to one of your therapist about how you feel. You'll thank yourself in the long run and will save yourself lots of pain and time.