I feel really selfish

[Boo Stew]

This past year I had a lot of time to reflect, and I made the decision to come out as transgender to my friends and select family in April. As I continued down this path, I became determined to start HRT before my 37th birthday but now as the date looms I am riddled with self doubt. You see, I'm a husband and a father to an absolutely adorable and precious 3 three year old girl. I would do anything for her and now I feel like some of those closest to me, possibly including my wife who has been mostly supportive, think that I'm putting my needs before my daughters. I have a history of following my dreams and whims and never succeeding in an outward way that someone observing would deem a success despite the personal reward of the chase and the hunt. My sister called me out last night while we were at dinner, and told me not only was I a bad parent, I was a selfish person, I had attempted suicide in college (overdose) because I wanted attention because if I had really wanted to kill myself I would have being that I'm so smart, and that I was being pushed toward transition by my gender specialist therapist who only told me what I want to hear. It hurt so much to hear but maybe it hurts so much because it rings with truth. I don't know what happens to me if I give up now... I feel like stopping now will be the end of me and the light in my eyes will go out. How can I be a good parent, if I'm not true to myself? What kind of lesson is that for my child? Is this selfishness just par for the course for my generation? I don't know what to do any more...

[Taka]

humans are selfish, and that's a necessary trait in order to survive. being selfish is only bad when it makes you do things that you know will harm other people, or hurt the people close to you on purpose. in order to be a good parent, you have to start with being a parent, or at least alive. a dead person, a depressed person, and anxious person, and all those horrible options, will usually have a much harder time being a good parent, than someone who is happy, empathetic, and holds their own (in order to stay alive and happy) and their child's interests higher than those of any other people in this world.

whatever your sister told you should be disregarded almost completely. it's not selfish to want your needs covered. if you needed attention, someone else could have been less selfish, and just given you that. nobody who decided to not give you what you needed right then has any right to criticize or call you selfish. suicide could theoretically be a selfish decision, but i'm not sure anyone in a sound mental state would find enough reason to try dying when they're still young and have lots more than just death left to experience.

there might be truth in what your sister said, but it's a truth about the past. i've made bad decisions in the past. being reminded of them used to make me anxious, ashamed, hurt. but in the end i just accepted the truth that i used to be a complete idiot, and i'm some of that still. but there decisions were made from what i knew then, and what i thought was the better thing to do. i'm not going to blame myself for the rest of my life, unless i made a horrible decision despite knowing a whole lot better. i really did what i felt was right for me. now i'm living with consequences of that, but none of it is actually bad considering what a different decision could have caused.

just a little curious about in which way you are a bad parent. do you hit your child? neglect her? are you way too cold and unfeeling? do you act violent to others in her presence? do you make her stay in her room alone even when she's scared and crying? or do you actually care about her, listen to her, try to understand her needs and meet them? how does your sister even know whether you are a good or bad parent for your daughter, does she observe your interactions that closely?

[EchelonHunt]

Ignore your sister - I gather she is speaking from a place of anger and hurt. Family can have a funny way o f twisting your experiences to suit their intentions; a way to manipulate or scare you out of transitioning.

My family did it, they told me that nobody would love me, nobody would hire me and that I would die alone. They thought my psychiatrist was "rushing" me into transitioning and they thought my desire to transition was another one of my "obsessions" that I would grow out of.

Your sister's words are not the truth. Only you know what the truth is.

It's always difficult when there is family involved. I don't know what advice I can give on that. I can say this: It's never selfish to transition. Other people expecting you to put your happiness aside for others, even if it is your daughters, isn't that selfish of them? What happens when your daughters grow up and leave the nest, so to speak? Will your family have another reason then to sway you from transitioning? "You're selfish - you're putting your needs before your grandson/daughter"? Would you wait forever? You only have one life and you're not getting any younger.

It's normal to doubt yourself, fears and outside pressure can do that to a person. Do an activity that calms you down, recollect yourself and ask the same question again. Listen to your heart - only you know what is best for you.

[Valleyrie]

Everyone is selfish, everyone has varying needs depending on the individual - everyone is different; no two people are the same! However, I don't see how you're being selfish.  It's a bit selfish to call someone else selfish for needing to be themselves if you were to ask me. What exactly makes you a bad parent for being transgender? Absolutely nothing. In fact, you'd be teaching your child to be more tolerant and understanding if anything. What would anyone who isn't trans know about the pain, the torment, the agony, the self-hate and emptiness (I could go on forever) you have to experience every single second of your life? Transitioning would make you a much happier person if that's what you really want and that will help with your overall mental health which will in turn have a more positive impact on your child.

How're you putting your needs before your daughter if you'll still be there for her like you've always been? It's unfair for people to say that to you, just because you're a parent doesn't mean you don't matter. Many trans people lead lives of misery and have a much higher suicide rate than that of the general population. Theoretically speaking, how could you support your daughter's needs if you wouldn't be there to do that? Not to mention many of the other issues that arise such as depression, anxiety, etc and how that could affect one's child. Gender dysphoria is a very serious issue and shouldn't be dismissed and thought of so lightly. Honestly, in the end it's completely up to you but I think taking the path of happiness and being your true self would be much more beneficial not just for you but your family and those around you, especially your daughter. It's very hypocritical and unthoughtful to just call someone selfish when one doesn't see they're being just that.

I hope you can work things out with time. Don't listen to anyone trying to put you down, especially if they don't know what they're talking about. We're all here to talk and help you along the way.

[Edge]

Your sister is full of bs. No one attempts suicide just for attention no matter if they succeed or fail and no matter how smart they are. People like her piss me off.
What will you teach your daughter by not being yourself? You'll be teaching her not to be herself either. If you be true to yourself no matter what, then you'll be teaching her to be herself no matter what too. You'll be happier which will help you be an even better parent. How is it selfish to let your daughter know the real you?
That applies to everyone. Trans, cis, man, woman, non-binary. Being true to yourself (no matter what that means) is one of the best things you can do for yourself and the people around you. I hate how there's this idea floating around that that is somehow selfish. How, exactly, is it selfish? How does it hurt anyone? Society as a whole is stronger when each individual is and each individual is stronger when they are being true to themselves.
Sorry I get all passionate about this subject.

[TheQuestion]

How is it selfish to let your daughter know the real you?

Agreed.  One day she herself may feel selfish and guilty for having influenced your decision to not become yourself.  I think awareness is key.  Try to make them understand as best you can that it is something causing you great pain and that it isn't something you can simply ignore.  And yeah, no one attempts suicide for attention.  Someone may pretend to attempt suicide for attention, but actually attempting is another realm.  I once took about 40 aspirin and was told I'd done it for attention.  I realized what I was doing while I was doing it and realized that if I died, then I'd receive no attention ever again; and that was sort of the point...

[TheQuestion]

And I've also had my mother tell me that I was just listening to my therapist.  Aren't I the one who makes the final decisions though?  And wasn't I the one who contacted her first?  She also seems to think that this is an "all-of-a-sudden thing" and because I "seemed" OK as a kid that I haven't been struggling for a long time...

[TheQuestion]

Fact is, if your seeing a gender therapist then you already have a gender issue and your therapist is just there to help you in hashing out plans of your own accord...

[FTMDiaries]

Your daughter needs you to be there for her: support her, nurture her, guide her through life; give her the very best you can. How can you do that if you're struggling with a personal crisis? How can you be there for her if it all becomes too much for you and you decide to take the final solution? The very best thing you can do - for yourself and for your daughter - is to do whatever it is you need to do to resolve your personal crisis. If you need to start HRT, then start HRT. If you need to transition, then transition.

Yes, some people will say you're being selfish. That's because it's human nature to pigeon-hole other people into pre-determined roles. Someone has to be 'the mother' in their lives. Someone has to be 'the father'. Someone has to be 'the pool cleaner' etc. In their minds, they've slotted you into the 'husband' and 'father' (and 'brother') slots and to them, if you transition those slots will become empty in their lives and they don't want that to happen. You'll still be around, but you'll be occupying a different slot - but not the slot that they want filled. So they try to keep you where they want you to be, even if it causes you a great deal of pain. Isn't that selfish of them?

But here's the thing: your daughter doesn't necessarily need the 'father' slot to be filled in the traditional way in order to be happy. She needs you, and it really doesn't matter in the slightest whether you're wearing a suit & tie or a dress at the time. She needs as much love and care as she can possibly get, and if she can get it from both of her parents then that's wonderful. Doesn't matter what those people look like, as long as they're doing a good job in caring for her.

I have to say, as a fellow parent (of two daughters in my case) you've picked the very best time to transition. Your daughter is young enough to adapt very well to the changes. I don't recommend waiting until she's older in the hopes that she'll understand better, because the longer you wait the more difficult it can be for children to accept the change in your role.

Oh and I fully agree that your sister is talking out of her backside. She knows exactly how to push your buttons, and she's pushing them hard because she wants to keep you in her 'brother' slot for her sake. If people want attention, they run naked down the street or something. But if somebody attempts suicide, they do that because they're hurting. Don't they?

[mrs izzy]

Dealing with GD is more a selfless act more then what most push on us as a selfish act.

You do what you need to do to be happy and at the same time those who truly love you and respect you. Yes i said respect you will come to understand you lived your life to this point as a selfless person.

Hang in and work on each issue one at a time.

Hugs

[Jess42]

We are all called selfish by others that do not have a clue what we go through. I wouldn't want gender dysphoria put onto my worst enemy. That is extremely cruel and unusual punishment. How is it selfish to want to be who you are? Or are others selfish to try to keep you in the old image they have grown used to? Or are they selfish because they may be ashamed to have a transgendered person in their family and want you to stay and suffer through it just to make them happy? Or comfortable?

Believe me, it doesn't get better in time if anything it gets stronger. It is not selfish to be who you want to be. You can love your daughter and provide for her and everything else as male or female. Suicide attempts whether seeking attention or actually dying doesn't really matter. Doing it for attention is you screaming out to someone, "Please Help me". Maybe because we are too afraid to seek out the help for ourselves and doing it for attention is a way to get help without having to ask for it. So it doesn't matter what the end result is it is still a scream for help and just as serious as really committing the "S" word. So no. in my opinion attempted suicide without the actual attempt or wanting to die is just as serious and no it is not about seeking attention but rather screaming for help. I can't believe your sister said that. That is pretty selfish on her part.

It is never selfish to be who you want to be. Other will definitely shame us into thinking we are selfish but that is for their own selfish reasons. I hope this helps.

[JesseG]

Boo,
You ARE taking care of your daughter, right? You and her mother agree on that? Let's put that to rest.

The inane logic of "How dare you do something for yourself, you should've spend that time / money / effort on your child instead, therefore you're a bad parent!" is doing a ton of harm to people today, not just trans* people, but parents in general. Being a neurotic martyr is very en vogue with parents lately, and your sister has some of the symptoms. Oh, you went to the movies? That's $20 you should've spend on your children, you monster! Ok, I exaggerate, but you get my drift.

After you've provided for the needs of the child, you should then provide for your own needs, including your mental needs. The single most beneficial thing in your children's lives is the presence of a stable parent.

My own wife struggles with this as well. Parenting is stressful for her, but she feels enormous guilt about going out to relax. My response is "Your kids will be fine without you for one evening. They don't need 100% of your available time. They DO need a parent that's sane."

Boo, your kids will be fine, assuming you're supporting for their needs. Anyone that turns out to be a neglectful parent would likely end up that way regardless of transition.

[suzifrommd]

Please consider several things:

1. Studies show that children of LGBT parents suffer no ill effects. None. Zero. Nil. Nada. There is even one that shows that they're slightly better off in some ways.

2. You will not be harming your kid IN ANY WAY. If anything you're showing her a parent who did what needed to be done and setting an example for bravery.

3. What good would it do her having a parent who is a basket case be cause she's fighting her natural gender?

I heard ALL those nasty things when I transition - how it would harm my daughter. My daughter and I are now closer than ever. Don't listen to them. Give your daughter what she needs: A parent who is comfortable with herself.

[Boo Stew]

Thanks everyone. For the record, I'm taking care of my daughter's needs both in the material and emotional sense. My sister was specifically reacting to my three year old's rambunctious nature. Nevermind the fact that she insists, while she's in town with her 12 and 13 year old daughters (my nieces) on including my daughter in activities which are tiring and dull for a three year old like a 3 hour walking pizza tour of NY. The night in question, she and her girls wanted burgers so I took them out, at their insistence, around 7PM. Of course, my daughter is going to hyper. She's 3 years old and you can't ask her to sit still at that hour. It's not part of her routine and she's excited to see her cousins and her auntie. I digress though... My sister has since apologized and I've forgiven her.

You've all been wonderful and I'm feeling better because of your support. Hopefully your experience will also help me as a I prepare to tell my parents about my condition and my decision.

[Taka]

one thing you should keep in mind when you're talking to other people than your daughter's mother, is that they are not your child's parents. it's perfectly ok to tell them that it's none of their business how you raise your daughter, unless they see you doing her some actual harm. not telling a 3yo to sit still in a frightening tone, isn't doing her harm, it's accommodating the poor child who's in the wrong place at a too late hour. i've had to tell my mom off, several times, and she backs off every time. i only had to tell my dad off once, he never tried to meddle again. mostly because he knows he failed a lot with me, and doesn't want to give me any reason to not let my daughter visit him alone when she grows older. it's never selfish to tell meddling relatives that two parents are enough for a child, any more would only be confusing and potentially harming.

[Boo Stew]

Reading that helped me a lot. Thanks, Taka. Karma for you!