What to do in a divorce???

[JLT1]

Hi,

My wife is leaving and divorce is eminent.  Other than find a lawyer, what do I do?  We have more or less agreed on property division and who gets what.  Kinda lost and not thinking well.

Jen

[mrs izzy]

Hi,

My wife is leaving and divorce is eminent.  Other than find a lawyer, what do I do?  We have more or less agreed on property division and who gets what.  Kinda lost and not thinking well.

Jen

Yes #1 get a lawyer.

Not to say it will happen but get ready for a possible fight. Once your wife talks with her friends and lawyer everything you agreed about could go fly out the widow.

Make sure you secure a vehicle and also assets that belong to you if all possible. 

As i said not saying it can end bad but always plan for the worst and be glad for the best when it happens.

Be ready for your own personal grief, the what could i have done better or differently to keep this all together.

You will also doubt your transition to the point you will want to turn back.

You will cry over the loss.

In the end after you get past all the what ifs you will settle back in your transition and keep moving forward to what you wish to have in life.

It takes time and you can get past all of it. Memories will be strong.

I so wish you the best and anytime you wish to have that shoulder we are always here.

Hugs

[Eva Marie]

I'm sorry Jen - my 27 year marriage dissolves on August 11th so I know how you are feeling

Is the split a amicable one or are you two going war of the roses? You said that y'all have split up the property so I gather that its amicable?

If its war of the roses you need to lawyer up and protect yourself. If you don't trust your wife you need to do the same. In any case you MUST take actions to protect the assets that are yours - money in the bank, for example. Too many people have had their accounts cleaned out as a final parting gesture by the other person. If it is an amicable divorce it's your choice of whether to lawyer up or not.

Over the next few months you will find yourself on an emotional roller coaster. You may think things like "if I had only done this...... or that......" and you'll find yourself pulled by old feelings and memories - it's very hard. Do you have a support system in place, a friend to call? You'll need this when those thoughts and feelings come knocking.

I still love my wife and I didn't want the divorce but she does. I have ridden that roller coaster. Time does begin to heal the wound.

My heart goes out to you and to anyone else in this position.

~Eva

[Jess42]

I'm sorry Jen. I went the same way. The advice everyone gave you is excellent. Hope for the best but definitely prepare for the worst so a lawyer is a must. If you can have her lawyer, her, your lawyer and you to write up some terms before she starts talking too much with her friends that would be excellent and a binding contract. Because her friends may very well drag you through the mud and she may start thinking along their lines.

If not write what you are splitting between the two of you and both sign it preferably with two witnesses at least one from both sides and have them sign it too. then get it notarized. It may not hold up but usually written contracts with witnesses and being notarized even without lawyers are pretty legitimate documents.

It's gonna' hurt for a while hon, no way around that but you also have to look on the bright side too, you are totally free to define who you truly are, what you want to do. When the hurt subsides there is an elation that you are calling all the shots in your life with more or less total freedom. You may even find that you were in a marriage not because of love but because of comfort, that's what I figured out. When I had realized the love hadn't really been there for a long time I was ecstatic and knew it was the right decision on both our parts. It's still going to hurt for a while and grieve and let it all out and my heart goes out to you for that time. Good Luck.

[Alaia]

Sorry to hear that Jen. Are the two of you amicable towards each other? Do you plan on still being friends after this? If so then mediation may be a possible route and you won't have to pony up for the lawyers.

My wife and I are just starting our separation this week. The plan is to go to mediation and see if we can agree on terms which I think we can, but you never know because emotions run wild with this. I certainly don't want to have to battle it out in court. I just want what is going to be as close to fair for both of us as possible.

[Katherine]

Hi Jen,
I'm sorry to hear this. I know how this can be emotionally draining.  There is so much good advice here.  I have not yet divorced from my wife, but I know that we will, if nothing else, separate and go our own way.  I've been down this road after I told her that I'm transsexual.  In the end I did not transition (to my great regret) and continued my life as a man.  Now I'm transitioning again and this time I've accepted the inevitable outcome.  Be strong, see a lawyer as advised, and be prepared for the emotional feelings that will overcome you during this process.  Hopefully the two of you will be agreeable and part as friends.  Also know that you have support here.  I know you don't know me, but you can always contact me when you feel the need to talk.  Hugs.
Kathy

[JLT1]

Thank you for the good advice and the caring responses.  It seems odd that here and work are the places where I find support. 

This has been coming for a close to three years, even before I started to transition.  She has been a mixture of abusive and supportive of the transition.  Unfortunately, she does not like Jennifer as she killed her husband.  (Her words, not mine.)  A relationship will be impossible. 

Wife has already been talking to family and friends.  I paid for everything except ½ the food so it's all in my name except for the house.  I paid for all of the house and she owns a house right beside her parents house.  My wife helped her family get financially straightened out. I don't think she can touch anything or even get anything.  It's manily what she can have and the fact that I am worried for her.  She has her own source of income as well.

I do not doubt my transition.  I worry for her.  She has never been alone and is so stupid about some things.  I will, however, be lonely and I will miss dancing with her.  She was truly a special dancer.

She leaves tomorrow AM.

Thank you all again,

Hugs,

Je

[mrs izzy]

  for you tonight.
Hugs

[Missy~rmdlm]

Any agreements you made with your ex are a waste of documentation/breath. My ex was all amicable and BS until the house was emptied while I was at work, she did send a nasty email about ten minutes before I got home.
In short get a lawyer, my ex's actions were not looked upon kindly by the court.

[Emily1996]

Well if you are still friends you two could use the same lawyer, that's how my parents did, but that is because they already had an agreement, so yeah it's up to you, of course using just one lawyer is less expensive for both.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Jen. I've been there. Worse ten months of my life. Stay strong.

My advice:
* No matter how friendly things may look, remember you are adversaries. Do not trust your ex no matter how trustworthy she may seem. She's only as forthright as her lawyer.
* Be civil no matter how badly things deteriorate. Take the high road. Don't badmouth your spouse to anyone and be kind when you're with her. You will thank yourself and respect yourself more when it's all over.

[Eva Marie]

* Be civil no matter how badly things deteriorate. Take the high road. Don't badmouth your spouse to anyone and be kind when you're with her. You will thank yourself and respect yourself more when it's all over.

This is very good advice Suzi. I am doing the same with my soon-to-be-ex-wife regardless of anything nasty she says or does.

[JLT1]

Day 1.  This isn't fun.  I don't know what to do with myself.  None of my daily life routine seems to apply.  I feel kind of lost.  I have a bunch of stuff I should be doing and I just can't focus. 

I have to drive up to the lake in the early AM to pick up some wood, get my broken boat, talk with zoning and to see my house insurance rep.  Then, hurry back to drop off the wood and the boat and go meet a friend.  It's going to be a long day before I meet my friend. 

I did get my eyebrows done.  They look good...

Hugs,

Jen

[mrs izzy]

Day 1 helper hugs

[JLT1]

Day 1 helper hugs

And returned with gratitude.

Hugs,

Jen

[mrs izzy]

  just one day at a time GF.

Hugs

[warlockmaker]

Hi Jem, unfortunately I have had 3 divorces and with 4 kids involved some divorces were complicated.  My first divorce (no children) was with the same lawyer and very amicable and fast, we are still great friends today. The second (2 children)was a bloodfest of lawyers and huge legal fees and a major settlement, and we hate each other today. I opted for a lump sum payment with child support. The third wife (2 children) was a battle of guilt on my behalf, It was limited in legal cost, we went to court 4 times but high on emotional distress, we are back together, with a signed post nuptial. Based on my experience my advice:

1.I assume with the emotional distress that you are the dumpee, the dumper in most cases have significant less distress. So you will need to be strong
2. I assume that you have both listed out your assets with an assumed cash value. Remember you get to share in hers also, each country/state has a general property division guideline. You should do this BEFORE seeing a lawyer, it will save time, money and emotional stress.
3.If you can agree to sign an agreement on the financial split amicabilly and you have no children then this is the best solution. It also makes being friends easier.
4. If you cant agree amicably then you will need seperate lawyers who are each looking to earn money from their clients and in my experience they deliberatly aggrivate the situation to the lawyers financial benefit.
5. The wealthier the bigger the headaches and children make it a complete mess.

We all marry because we feel we love that person so much and that love should never disappear, each wife has been so much a part of my life. I try for friendship as I don't want to throw away the fond memories

[Eva Marie]

Just take one day at a time Jen. Deal with tomorrow..... tomorrow. And know that time heals things. Be kind to yourself during this time.

[kariann330]

The way my dad put it when I went through my first divorce when I was 21 was "Grab yourself a good attorney, a nice stiff drink, a big fat cigar and hang on tight because you are in for the ride of your life, but  when it's over, enjoy your freedom"

My stepmother agreed lol

[JLT1]

All,

Well, we divided the belongings up, reached an agreement on money, insurance, property and everything and then a week later, she moved back in...  It was a long night.  In the end, all she asked is that when we dance as a couple, I will do so in boy mode.  I agreed to that. We met at a dance, she taught me to dance, and we competed together as a couple for several years before we got married.  My wife was a world class dancer and still is when one considers her age.  I can work with that. She seems to be doing well.  She doesn't call me by my old name but she does not call me Jen either.  She calls me hun but she uses the correct pronouns.

I just had an orchi and she has helped me though that....

I don't know if it will last.  But I'm going to ride the wave until it ends.

Hugs,

Jen